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Oct 19 · 349
if you could see me now
I like to dance in the light of all the fires I started
just so the flames can wince at the sound of my laughter
just so what once burned me can see me now
Oct 19 · 94
Untitled
I worry I'm not as good at loving as I'd like to think
you can't put band aids on broken bones
all my doses of resentment seem to pour out onto you
and I whisper that I don't need you
with tears in my eyes and white knuckles around your fingers
I do not know how to love what's in front of me
only the ghost of the past and the fantasies of my mind
Sep 11 · 193
purity
I want to be the hand that you hold in the morning hours and not just when the fear of the dark submerges you
what is love if it's only in the shadows
I want to be the lips you chase and not to replace those you once knew but because you can't imagine the feeling of yours against anothers
I want to be your resting place, the soul that you're homesick for
I want my chest to be the dwelling your tired mind finds, as if this body was made just for you
Sep 4 · 168
Mine
you kissed me until all of the pain evaporated
until the echoes of my past fell to a hush
quietly, suddenly the agony dissipated
like there was no room for it here
you repossessed the places my past called home
you called them yours and I called you mine
Sep 3 · 140
change
I want to be a greeter to the new seasons
to allow the new love, new sunrises and sunsets
the moon looks different from here
I gave away the old shirts and kissed the new lips and let the old worries stay awhile
change is the only thing we're promised
I made my old bed in a new room and danced in the kitchen in my same socks
I welcomed the softer skin and sugar-coated voice, the life that changed when I stopped looking back
everything shifts and I adjust
it's me, a new me, the same me
somehow different
somehow just as marvelous
Sep 2 · 122
9/2/19
yes, I believe that forgiveness should be given freely
the shedding of unnecessary hatred and the burdens that were never yours to carry
but don't allow the kindness within you to be exploited
you are gentle but you are not feeble
you have full permission to claim your boundaries
to take back your space as your own
disentangle your thinking that loving what hurts you is anything more than self-hatred
Aug 27 · 134
yours
I am yours in the first month of fall when the trees begin to dance their autumn song.
I am yours when the sun smothers your cheeks and I envy the way it kisses you.
I am yours when December air pulls against your lips and sends shivers down your spine.
I am yours in the crowd of a million people and I am especially yours when the silence of your solace drives you mad.
I love you.
and I am yours.
Aug 21 · 125
dirty laundry
you can taste the pain I swallowed on the roof of my mouth
I remember the night covering us like a blanket
and the sun shining light to all of our mistakes
I remember your shirt hanging off my shoulder
and the way it looked on another naive stranger, she wore it well
I remember the scent it carried, the scent of you and me
who am I without this longing that wears the shape of you?
Aug 21 · 282
message in a bottle
i pray you find this message
before it's lost in the sea
i pray it finds you
and you find your way back to me
Aug 12 · 84
08/12/19
I’m beginning to forget the difference between your body and mine
hold me close to your sunlight
you are the gentlest of all the gentle things
I love you without exception
Aug 12 · 213
Untitled
I was angry with myself
for never understanding when it is time to put hope to rest
for never knowing what love was and allowing you to define it
after a while, you learn that people are allowed to leave you
it hurts, the way endings always do
but begging them to stay hurts more
and you learn
you learn to see in yourself what you wanted them to
you learn to lift your roots from their heart and plant them beneath your own
you learn the subtle difference between infatuation and commitment
you learn you could swallow the person you love whole and you still couldn’t keep them forever
because loving someone does not guarantee they will love you back
I know lately it feels like no one really cares if you’re coming or going
this is the time to fall in love with your solace
Aug 5 · 136
8/4/19
what are thoughts and prayers without exertion
give me a guideline on how to hide from a stranger
shooting up a grocery store
but ignore the warning signs of a mass shooter
buy me a bulletproof vest to send my child to school in
because we care more about the right to own a gun than the right to protect innocents
this is not about what the rights are for, but for what they are being utilized
we cannot have compassion for the wounded without outrage for the wound itself
we cannot be okay with avoidable tragedies for the sake of pride
Jul 22 · 137
love is not a burden
time fades and makes it's way through my fingers like my palm is full of rain
and I know that I don't have time to worry about feelings unreciprocated
I'll love without expectation
if equal affection can never be achieved
at least I can be the one who loves more
Jul 16 · 168
Untitled
I made you into something you were never worthy of being
I built a castle out of ruins and laughed along while you burnt it down
someday, you'll return to those ashes and realize what you walked away from
I brush off the last memories of you and go on my way
there's no room in my future for you to seep into
Jul 15 · 422
Untitled
love me no matter where I am
love me when I don't have it figured out, when you aren't ready
love me when I'm anxious, when I'm mean
love me because love is not timing and it is not circumstantial
I love you because it doesn't hurt
I love you because nothing scares you
I love you because you dug up the pieces of me I wanted to bury
I love you because I'll never have to ask you to love me too
This is how it starts.
It's promises that feel like contracts and the feeling that this time, you got it right.
It's parking lot confessions and I like you so much it hurts.
It's I'm scared to lose you and you aren't even mine.
It's everything that's hurt has led me to you.
It's don't get out of the car, kiss me one more time.
I don't want to sleep without you tonight.
It's sunday morning.
It's a feeling in your stomach that makes you sick.
It's disappointment and it's why didn't I see this coming.
You don't want to feel it, but you can't help but drown in it.
It's bad timing.
It's do you still think of me?
It's 2 a.m.
It's don't answer that because I'm terrified of your response and ignorance is bliss.
It's bringing up memories that I should've put to rest the day you changed your mind.
It's crossing the street to avoid me.
It's my lip burning at the thought of never kissing you again.
It's I deleted your number and you're in a different city and I hope I never feel this much again.
This is how it ends.
Jul 9 · 181
Untitled
and he may not be pure- but I swear his love’s so holy I find redemption in his eyes
I think the most important trait is to be teachable
to understand that sometimes you are wrong
that sometimes you don't know what is best
there will be times where you are hurt, others where you are the one doing the hurting
the cards you've been dealt don't take away your ability to break someone
you cannot use your pain as an excuse to be ignorant
understand it and rise above
Jul 6 · 170
Untitled
I think I want to disappear for awhile
to sink in to myself and return a stranger to the one’s who think they know me best
I keep searching for another person to define me because I don’t know myself as well as I’d like
and the past can’t be changed, I’ve tried that
but it’s time to start forgiving it
all I know is this longing for change
all I know is this desperation for freedom from the weight of past transgressions
I know it’s wrong to beg for someone to stay
so what if I just asked politely
or what if we said the same goodbye a hundred times and we never actually reached the part where you walk away
you have to think that we were lucky to know love like this, even if just for a moment
I don’t know how to grieve the loss of you
I don’t know how to stop loving your ghost
Jul 3 · 119
sinking feelings
He smelled like a bar I was too young to get into and marlboro lights
just for a while, I wanted to live something new
to wake up to pancakes in the morning and kisses on the cheek
instead of with my heart broken from the night before and a sinking feeling in my stomach
I hated you for the things you chose over me and the love you never gave
I hated you because a daughter should never have to beg her father for a relationship
Jul 1 · 96
recovery
there are days where I worry I have done nothing but tangle myself in regrets
I keep writing poems about my past hoping to cleanse it out of my system
because most days I feel more shame than growth and I forget what all of the rain was for
I was almost better, but almost doesn't count for much
I'm tired of watching the sun rise and fall from the same place hoping somone will save me from myself
my thoughts are so loud I'm burying myself in them
but something inside of me has survived all of the suffering and still wants to carry on
something in me knows that this is not the end
Jul 1 · 182
Untitled
did you know that there are at least 100 billion galaxies in the observable universe
at least 300 billion stars in the milky way
that a blood vessel system could stretch over 60,000 miles
that the probability of us existing at all is about one in four hundred trillion
that the probability of us meeting is zero, because the set of things that could happen in our lives is uncountably infinite
and I don't know if there's such thing as souls destined to meet
but I do know we could've lived a thousand lives and we still found ourselves here
there's something holy in the hand you hold out of the 14 billion others
and even if the ending is not what we predicted, I'm so lucky to be known by you
Jul 1 · 174
love is
I'll spend the rest of my days kissing your smile
and thinking of you while I'm folding my clothes
love is practice, a verb
love is the patience you've given without expectation
and when I questioned you, when I wondered if the stars really aligned for us
you showed me that love is a choice
it is not begging someone to stay, but knowing they will everyday
it's never an "you owe me" or being held against the weight of my wrong-doings
it's you and me, in all of my realizations and things I've yet to figure out
it's figuring them out together
Jul 1 · 236
sentimental
I will not exhaust myself for the sake of making ends meet and let my dream wilt away
I refuse to settle, to find myself engrossed in a mundane life
in a town where the people are all pretending to not be miserable
I have spent too many minutes trying to fit the mold of what I thought I had to be
I want to believe I can come back to myself
like an old friend at a corner booth, caught in city winds
a foreign place but a feeling all too familiar
I'll meet her in a coffee shop, writing with ink stained fingers
this is the me I've always liked the most
Jun 27 · 197
Untitled
I loved your skin more than my own and for that I failed myself
do you still think of me?
teach me how to love in fragments instead of with the whole of me
teach me about ill-timed affection and confessions given right when I begin to let go
I’ll teach you what it’s like to feel you; in my skin- in my head
I want to be unbothered by you, but my heart and mind have never reached a compromise
do you still think of me?
Jun 26 · 172
Untitled
we paint a pretty picture out of holding on
out of never giving up hope
but sometimes it’s knowing when to call it quits
it’s letting go when you don’t feel ready, because you realize you’re waiting for someone who’s already gone
he took the last train out of this dried up town and left you here to wilt away with it
understand that what you miss is only the embellished memories of someone you used to know
but he has changed since then- and you can grow without his nourishment
Jun 23 · 256
Untitled
people see what they want to see
and maybe it’s a weakness you’ve grown out of
maybe it’s a past you’ve shed like second skin
people will hold on to things you’ve let go of
so you’ve got to love yourself
enough to make up for the ones who spite you
enough to tell yourself you’ve done a good job
when your head hits the pillow at night
people will say things intended to cut you and leave you with open wounds
you are not the mistakes you’ve made-
do not let them convince you otherwise
Jun 8 · 282
past lovers letter
It's a cliche, the way past lovers always come back around
as if it's written on my skin that I tend to forgive more freely than I should
as though they are checking in just to see if I'm still waiting
hours, days, months spent shoving their name down my throat
to convince myself the ending was mutual
and then one day, long after the waiting turned into progressing
they have the audacity
to ask if I'm still anticipating their realization that they 'loved me all along'
to ask if I still want them, because suddenly they feel alone
suddenly they need me
but I am taking every step in the opposite direction of you
I am worth more than a second-thought, than the regret you feel from walking away
I would've given anything to watch every sunset with you
and I don't know why two people in love can't do anything but destroy each other
I don't know why every time you're around poison seeps into my bloodstream
just know that in another universe, I am laying next to you
I know what it's like to adore what breaks you
I've always confused my destruction with divine intervention
and I’ve come to realize that if affection isn’t given freely, it’s not worth having
i’ve grown tired of driving down dead-end roads as if I could pave my own way out
and i’ve learned to know that it may look like love, but it feels a lot more like pain
and loving someone who doesn’t feel the same isn’t really love at all
and you could spend the rest of your life waiting for someone to realize they want you in theirs
and I knew, no matter what you said you were never going to be sure of me
so I’ll move move on with the realization that there are better things to come than what I’ve left behind
embracing the endings in what is not meant to be
I've been scolded for using the word 'love' too often
throwing it away, as if it had to be secured for romantic encounters or within a length of time
like it might become tired or meaningless
but what if I am so full of love I can't help but overflow with it?
what if I've known platonic love, tender love, fervent love?

so I'll say 'I love you', only when I mean it
and I hope my abundance of it never runs dry
I hope it flows out of me effortlessly, because there will never be such thing as loving too much
May 21 · 174
journal thoughts
I have never known how to be enough
always either exceedingly too much or not quite there at all
I wonder, did you feel like I was suffocating you?
or did you feel like you had to coerce words out of my mouth for me to admit I felt anything at all?
I am reckless in my emotions, impulsive in my words
I spent months learning to pretend I'm not plagued by your memory
I wonder if you spend time mourning what we lost
I wonder if you get a stomach ache when you think about the ending
or if it's a heavy sigh of relief, a warmth against your skin
I wonder if I'm best kept as a memory
tell me, what makes you think of me?
the frizz in your hair, or the bad taste in your mouth?
your worst day or your best- It'd be a pleasure to be any of your days at all
Apr 30 · 231
worship
you look at me like you might drown in me
a body of water, to rinse away the exhaustion
you look at me like there are depths you've yet to dive into
uncharted territory
you trace the inches of me like there will always be more to love
like you will never grow tired of the skin I'm in
I've grown up knowing that my body is a temple
but I've never met someone so dedicated to worshipping it
Apr 22 · 206
4/22/19
your body will sting when you remember his hands
and you'll start contaminating your skin with the touch of strangers hoping all remnants left of his finger-tips fade away
self-love sounds like a foreign language since he walked away
but loving yourself is a process, long overdue
his name is not a synonym for contentment
I know there is a longing deep within your bones and it feels as though he's the only person who could satisfy it
this is your body whispering that it is time to love it back
you are allowed to lay down your weapons and give up the war with yourself
Apr 18 · 201
journal thoughts #4
I heard that you're still waiting
summer came and summer left
and too much has changed to ever dig up what we once were
but if you remember me, remember me gently
the sun peeks in after all the rain in April
and you think of how my skin looked kissed by it
neither of us were born knowing how to love
and I hope someday you get closer to it than we ever did
you have to learn to outgrow things without it breaking you
you'll revisit memories and places like old friends
and the most beautiful thing will be the way you've changed, when other things have stayed the same
certain pieces of your life are only meant for seasons
certain people, too
there's a melancholy beauty in walking away
let them go, with a soft kind of ruthlessness
endings don't have to be tragedies
Apr 15 · 196
thunder storms
there are nights where the rain's so heavy I could drown myself in it
the thunder's just as violent as my sadness
and I wonder why I feel guilty when you were the one who left
I met someone new but my heart was never meant to belong to anyone else
and I love him but I feel like he's only borrowing what's yours
your t-shirt is at the bottom of my junk drawer
and I think of how I could've done things differently
If I could, I'd do it all again
but if I'm being honest with myself I loved you the only way I knew how
with the kind of abundance that can suffocate
so I'll carry my heart like a weight and not an asset
because it will never be a blessing to feel this much
Apr 11 · 149
journal entries
I broke my own heart when I wrote poems for you
as if you could hear my thoughts
telepathy of some sort
and what's meant for you will find its way back but you never did
the truth is I'm trying to let go with honey on my hands
and I always thought love was patient
but I'm beginning to resent you for the way you're under my skin
and I tried to get you out of my system
but I stuttered when we said goodbye
because I was never good at knowing when love isn't love anymore
Apr 7 · 230
love is simple
I saw you smile and I thought about how each time I start something new it feels different
I call my best friend and ask her if I'm foolish for imagining summer next to you
I start to smile in my sleep and see the world through rose tinted glasses
and I tell myself I won't rush in but it's like telling the seasons not to change
winter creeps it's way in and I miss the way fall felt
but you're still here
and I think this time I'll keep us to myself
because something this simple doesn't need an explanation
you keep me calm and I'll keep you passionate
and I can't imagine mornings without you
I used to believe love had to be dramatic and painful
I want you to learn about forgiveness
I want you to tell your mother you know she didn't mean to project all of her emotions on you
that she was only your age when she had you and you are still learning too
tell her that you love her, that the best parts of you came from her
I want you to call your dad
I know hearing his voice makes you clench your fists
I know your muscles still hate him even when your heart says you don't
tell him the way his absence had you crying on your bathroom floor before you knew what a panic attack was
tell him the reasons why you blame him for the way you love
then tell him you forgive him
you forgive him even though he never asked you to, you forgive him for yourself
I want you to make a list of every person that's ever wronged you
I want you to burn it and I want you to wish them well
the kind of love you've found, pure and warm
there is no room for resentment in a heart like yours
and then I want you to forgive yourself
even if you feel like you don't deserve it
be gentle with your mind, give yourself a place to rest
you are doing far better than you think
Mar 28 · 290
Untitled
there's a letter I wrote you with no address
in a box beneath my bed
and this isn't a metaphor for the time I spent waiting for you
there's scattered words in my head
playing like a broken record
a collage of tired clichés
holding just enough truth to echo the memories of you
there's nails on my fingers bitten to the brim for every time your name's been in my mouth
and I've tried to wash it down
but something about the wiring in my brain
has fooled me into believing my excess of love
will make up for your lack there of
Mar 18 · 197
In my head
In my head it's 2 a.m. and you're as awake as I am
heads against our pillows and we're both thinking of each other but neither of us know it
you're missing me
and you're unsure of whether you even knew me well enough to have the privilege of missing me at all
but you miss me for the things we never said
and in my head you're thinking of how you never really got close enough to wrap your arms around my waist
to tell me everything I made you feel and everything you saw coming
that never quite played out how you wanted
In my head even your fingers are sad when you think about my skin
even your lips burn at the thought of never kissing mine again
but it's probably just in my head
Mar 17 · 191
words I won't forget
I discovered you slowly
and I don't know that I ever believed opposites really attract
but you are my peaceful and I am your wild
I discovered your language and you tucked my hair behind my ear
assurance falls from your tongue like honey and it's got my hand stuck to yours for good-
"I love you
I love everything about you
even the things you hate, I love
and what you love I love even more"
no one's ever loved me like you
there are some people whom you simply cannot pull the darkness out of
you can love and love and love and they will empty you and ask why you have nothing more to give
because sometimes moths are drawn to your light
and sometimes it is better to protect yourself than try to save people
no amount of nourishment can help someone who doesn't want to bloom
there is a fine line between friendship and toxicity
I hope you learn to draw it
Mar 8 · 373
dear girl,
you were knitted together before the world first heard your cries
and you were born whole
you were made to break barriers
never to hide behind the shadow of a man
it is time you stop trying to shrink yourself to conform to the world's ideals
you are a walking contradiction
both peaceful and wild
delicate and resilient
remind yourself you do not need his arms when you were given two of your own
do not let them burn out the flames within your soul
you belong only to yourself
Mar 7 · 308
intimacy
I think the sweetest intimacy
isn't the ******* behind your curtain when the sunlight fades
but when I unravel all of the pieces,
stuck to me for twenty years
when you witness the uninviting parts of me
and just as I begin to feel shame come over me
you whisper "Come here, your scars are my favorite part of you"
sometimes I still struggle to see my heart as more than a bruised and beaten burden beating in my chest
but you look at me like it's the first time your eyes have seen sunlight in years
I find my place in-between your arms, passing time with you
Mar 5 · 269
i found you
I think I was always running until I found you
I was infatuated with the idea of love but the real thing scared me
so I was a magnet for boys who didn't know what they wanted
and I always thought I'd find the one and confetti would fall from the sky like rain
but you crept your way in despite the differences between us
and I've never felt more at home than I do when your lips graze my cheek on Sunday morning
and there were never fireworks or symphonies but your voice is the sweetest sound
and I might ask you if you still love me on the days when the voices of my past try to creep in
but you sit with me for hours and listen to my thoughts on the world
and I never have to question, I never have to wonder
you love me in the purest way
Mar 4 · 225
Untitled
If there comes a day where you decide to strip yourself of the past
to dust off your worn out clothes and start again
If you move to a new city and meet a stranger with eyes like the desert at night
I hope you never grow out of the faint hope we always held close
I want you to know I left my heart in the same city we fell apart and I never stopped wishing you'd come back for it
It's still waiting to be found by you
Mar 4 · 344
the difference
I know you lay awake wondering when your time will come
you have dug your way out of the ground
everything that tried to bury you has failed
you were created to to put the night sky to shame and you were born with fire in your blood
you are the exception
the difference
using your energy to try to align your life with theirs is only pulling you away from everything you're meant for
you were never meant to look like them
there will come a time where you will be so glad you never settled for the ordinary
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