I have chains on all four limbs
With weights dragging me downward
While time is heaving me up
Around my torso, forward.
I am drowning in the air
And can breathe under water,
I see all the colors but
Black and white, they don’t differ.
Clarity is one vast blur,
Reason is their opinion;
I’m locked in the parallel-
Or so I think, I can’t tell.

You're my perfect little distraction
Not more, for there is no reaction
As you move on in your silly life;
I mean, I don't want to be your wife
Nor anything else tied to your name
For I am not yours nor will I be.
Just a game we play, just words, you see,
Your lips aren't kissable but I
Must confess, your mind I can't deny.
We toy with notions that we could gain
Something out of our bold flirtations
Yet it is all preoccupation
As we both bustle around, away
And keep other sentiments at bay
By clouding them with this silly game.

With no strings attached, none can judge us
And it's one act I don't have to trust.
I can take a deep breath, spill my thoughts
And leave unscathed when it all just rots.

I'll wear my lipstick just a little bit brighter,
Do my hair real nice,
Soft, long, and free,
I'll draw on my eyeliner as a perfect line,
A stroke of vivid black,
With a perfect wing,
Just like the ones I grew to fly away from here.

Maybe when I'm gone, I'll be pretty enough.
Maybe when I'm gone, you'll be able to think back.
Maybe when I'm gone, you'll remember me.
Or maybe, when I'm gone, you'll just forget.

Why can I love two when
I may only have one?
Is the boy I am with
Just a flame that is done
Or the man I'll marry?

Is the man I have met
Just infatuation
Or is there so much more
To this situation?
These thoughts make me wary.

Out of sight, out of mind;
I am happy with both
Until I am alone
Caught between bliss and oath.
Why must it be scary?

This is not fair to me
Or to either of them;
Why can't it be simple?
My heart is split even.
Love is arbitrary.

You do not really love me?
I would swear this could break me,
But no-- it has set me free--
Endless possibilities;
It is truly bittersweet,
To find in your own retreat
This sweltering inner peace.
I miss you but still release;
Love lets go, it stands alone,
And it will return once grown.
If it does not, it wilts fast,
Tragic symbol of the past.
Regardless of miseries,
Thank you for the memories.

My own affection
Has all direction
But no ability
For real correction
As it shoots straight on
To its sole target;
No time to rethink,
Just some to regret.

I find myself on the edge of
Giving up or just giving in;
But standing still right now, I know,
There's nowhere near a greater sin
Than staying mute and allowing
My emotions to overflow--
For all they do is ******* me
As they play out a picture show
Of all my regrets, doubt, and fears,
Memories I wish to bury,
Future failure I've accepted--
My collection of misery
Running on repeat, on and on,
Know all the words to this old song,
And it goes, on and on, again;
So up or in, I can't be wrong.
I have a choice to make tonight
But at least know, I'll be all right.

Do you know what it feels like to go mad
And to know there's no way you can stop it?
For those thoughts, they race to no finish line;
You can't convince yourself it's make believe
Because it's the only reality
Your shattered mind can still some what process.

There's that-but no, this-but then-no-shut up!
My hands begin to quiver, fingers pressed
Against my temple; they slide down my cheeks,
Cold, lifeless almost, if they weren't moving
Involuntarily, out of control
Like my thoughts of utmost insanity.

How do I know I'm insane then? Because
Of the looks I get, the judgement is blunt
And I was taught better one time ago
When my brain understood some more logic.
I'm going mad, sharp breaths, desperate thoughts
I want to stop it but I just cannot.

This is what happens when mind scares the heart
And all that is left to do is escape.

When I first see your face, my emotions
Pile up at the edge of my surface
Like a rain drop, and when our eyes meet
They take off rapidly, as though a race
And splash to the ground, scattering into
Millions of pieces, as my heart will when
My mind steps in and chills the warmth you gave,
For you look away and continue then
With the happy life you lead, where I don’t
Belong, while in my thoughts I have this world
That’s built around the moment we come clean
About these vicious feelings that have blurred
The authenticity of our short
Encounters and that you could feel the same,
For I know in truth you must just be kind
And mutual affection is insane.

There's nothing like the impending new year
Than to make you realize
How far you've come
Forward or backward
Or perhaps you didn't move at all,
Stuck on square one.

I always thought we stayed in one place
A few steps closer
Until a sudden pang,
Sent us flying back
All the way to square one;
I've realized I was wrong.

Square one was just a single step back
To refocus,
We've grown so close,
Only like a spiral,
Circling further and further in,
All to one center.

Reflecting now, we are truly the same
For we do not attack straight on,
Like a line;
Instead, we are cautious,
Handling what's precious
In careful hands.

What feels like square one and a step
Is more like an ocean we've crossed;
Patience is the key to a treasure chest
And maybe, we just hit land;
Now it's time to pace (ourselves)
And follow the maps drawn on our hearts.

I wish I could capture my happiness
In these words that I write
In the ways that I lock away
My sorrows, always ready to resurface.

Yet these happy moments
Are fleeting and never look back
While my sadness is my friend,
Always waiting in the shadows.

Joy is a runaway
I can never catch.

I have asked myself a million times a day
How an eighth of my life took so much away...
We met when I was twenty-one,
Drinking, partying, having fun.
Wild hearts, crazy dreams, living for the moment;
From that drunk first kiss, my steel-made walls were bent.
I never partied much,  but I thanked God I did that night;
From silly dates, inside jokes, that spark in our heated fights,
Our feelings stayed strong, in tact, when push came to shove
And from that sober first time, we soon called it love;
Movie nights in our dorms, summers spent missing each other,
Sleepovers, phone calls, and the first time you met my mother;
Wishing in wells, eleven-eleven, shooting stars;
Graduation day, no one thought we'd make it that far.
Working doubles, living cheap,
We soon took that big old leap;
Rented an apartment in the city, internships at hand;
Didn't have much but I had all I needed in all the land.
Partners in crime, sidekicks in love is how it had always been;
They thought we'd marry; who would've known we'd prove them wrong again....
An eighth of my life was all, for sure;
Three out of twenty-four years, you were
Yet all those years of childhood mean nothing--
We talked of our future children--does that still mean something?
Remembering the past, I don't ever want to start anew...
Yet here we are, maybe a million miles apart;
I can't hold back tears, I still have you close in heart.
But perhaps we've moved closer to the truth:
An eighth of my life is over for good.

And, as much as I'll try, a part of me will always love you--
That eighth of my shattered--mending--heart that will always stay true.

You're so ugly, you're so mean
You're the dark side of a dream
You're nothing good, you're the worst
Knowing you must make me cursed

So pitiful in your own tragedy
In this thing you call a life
Such magic in your hellish infamy
These words cut you like a knife

Yet you are me, I am you
Attached together like glue
If you think this way of us
Others must have more to fuss

Inner peace is a polar opposite
To this raging hell within my bursting mind
And madness overcomes this fantasy
Of finding some concord of any kind.
My spirit is prisoner to this storm
That whips licks of fire that burns to bone
While my heart is frozen, never to thaw
And their capsule is left to stand as stone.

"Stop, don't feel that," I think sharply;
As though I can control mind and
Heart-what a joke, it's like catching
Salt from a pile of sprinkled sand.
"I'm in love," I snide from within,
Yet the pressure boils steady
And I can't help but yearn in such
Overweighing, cold agony.
"Don't look"- my eyes dart straight to him
While the guilt overflows my chest,
Setting the butterflies ablaze,
A raging fire in this mess
That I created at first sight.
"He isn't anything you like,"
I try but I know it'll fail;
It's true but this attraction's spike
Still cuts through like a sharpened blade.
"You love him more and he loves her",
Despite the honesty it held,
The reality was ******.
He has his troubles with his love
And although feelings might be on
One side, this emotion can't be
Shaken; innocence has foregone.
Two options remain: wait and see
Or shut my eyes and feel it bleed.

How am I anything more
Than an inflated sack
Packed with meat and bones
For this monster to
Lick his lips and gnaw on?
I am the epitome of
This demon's lavish feast,
The one that whispers to me
Words that roast my mind
And he keeps on adding spice,
Waiting for the chance
To rip a chunk from my heart;
But that would be too easy,
He likes the way my tears taste
And why would he end his pleasure?
The demon plays with his food:
This is how I am devoured
By this ruthless thing I call Depression.

Some days I am so done,
I just whisper, "Bon apétite".

My butterflies have been set free
Yet still they linger and rest upon me,
As they can't help but watch in awe
As in my surrender, I still fall in love.
Giving up is the hardest thing to do,
Especially when it means I have to lose you.

There is no touch, but sound and no taste, but sight
And I can catch a fleeting whiff of your scent
As you pass by me, trading it for my breath
That you steal, just like all of the unpaid rent
In my mind, the millions of thoughts you engage,
Your voice louder than any words on a page.

I want to believe that I'll be happy.
I want to try to enjoy while I can.
There is no cure at all for my problem;
Does that mean I won't feel normal again?
I was taught the rule: ignorance is bliss
And what I know now cannot be unlearned.
My issue lies in my beautiful life
And in the many memories I've earned.
My greatest pain rests in the idea of
One day losing the few people I love.

When you're only twenty,
Two years are a long time
But remember always
That now you're in your prime
And fifty years from now
The choices you must make
Today will have taken
Much more that is at stake.
It's fine to be lonely;
Don't you fear the moment;
Take care of your future;
Stay strong in the present;
Play on your own heart strings,
Listen to its soft sound,
Embrace its melody,
Just dance to it, around...
You're bound to make mistakes,
You'll scream and laugh and cry,
You'll look back at this but
You won't ask yourself why .

Depression is everything
While feeling nothing at all;
It is the innocence of a child
In the presence of an aged soul;
It is as bitter as it is sweet,
For there are moments of joy,
Beautiful in their fleeting ways,
Always pressed under a gray sky;
It is the struggle of hope it portrays
And it is the death of our hope
That leads to suicidal tendencies.

I wish you knew how beautiful I knew you were at first glance;
With every smile and word, inside and out, every chance you get,
You radiate this person I need to get to know
And I secretly hope one day I'll be honored to do so.
You think you're just an ordinary guy but you're far from right;
You make the whole world spin in all of my dreams I have at night.
When you walk by my heart melts and resets, yet you have no clue;
All your words spin through my mind all day long, I just wish you knew.

If only I could lock my lips shut,
Toss the key into the deepest well
And pray nobody ever finds it
So I may hide away in my hell.

Each word that leaves my tainted lips is
Drenched in a poison designed to ****;
If not ****, it'll torture you worse
Than death itself, against my own will.

I wish I exhaled an angel's breath,
My true intentions are genuine
However, there's a demon sitting
On my tongue that always seems to win.

If we were all brutally honest
From the start
Perhaps we wouldn't feel the need
To lie or hide or sugar coat
For perhaps we would
Be kinder and less sensitive
And remember we're all the same,
Condemned by human nature,
And then maybe it would be okay
To tell someone that this annoys them,
Makes them anxious or stressed,
That they are deeply in love with them
Or that their feelings changed;
If we all just said it all
Right from the beginning
It wouldn't be so foreign,
And then maybe there would be no secrets
And then there would be no regret,
Then we could all move on faster
And forgive much easier,
For we'd know to understand.

But human kind is not beginning,
We are perhaps in the end of the middle
And we are already sunk too deep
In the dependency of lies so
That the truth can never be understood
And is seen not as a solution
But as a problem;
We are too far from the start,
Where we keep secret our feelings
Of passion, hurt, and anger,
What could be action
Is replaced by what we glorify as hope;
However, hope is just a lie in itself
That somebody else's secrets lie in our favor.

You are the rain after a long winter,
The country stars on a midsummer night,
The soft breeze when I stand by the ocean,
And the peace after a long lasting fight.
You are the sweetness of innocent love;
You are as deep as that first broken heart;
You are untouched by time's strong clawing clasp;
You are living, breathing, magical art.

Her hands smelt sweet
As they were clammy with sweat
And she wrapped them gently
Around my nose and mouth.
She stood behind me
Protecting me with ferocity
And I leaned in, heavy
Against her thin frame.
He was coming now,
His tall shadow cast out
By the light from the hall.
I shivered, she whispered,
“When I say go, run.”
I nodded, my body frozen
And it couldn’t have been
More than a few seconds
Until I heard her yell
And before I knew it, I was
Sprinting, abandoning her,
And I heard her scream loud,
As though she was being mauled
By a wild beast and I whimpered.

“TAG, YOU’RE IT!” he yelled.
The game was over, so
I turned around and ran back,
Only to begin another round.

Although I will move along
And each day I'll live anew
The fact is I'll spend the
Rest of my life missing you.

I had always thought it was a matter of time
But in reality, it was a matter of heart
And your heart just never beat the same as mine
And I suppose it never will catch up.

Memories flood my mind and
As they run, my tears do, too;
The flashing of images
Is the lightning coming through
And the pounding in my head
Is the thunder ready to
Explode as my tears rain down;
My clear skies and sun were you.

My mind knows that I am free but
My heart understands that it is
Held in his sweet hands, like he holds
Air, oblivious but always
Present, around him like a sheet.
If  he but knew what love there is
About him, he'd never worry
Of worth, nor can its source deplete.
To him, I am a passing thought;
To me, he is the restless night
Of flashing emotions flooding
Through me, of anguish and delight.
I cannot explain this senseless
Tug that binds me so snug to him.
However, its knot cannot be
Undone; the heart is not the brain.

I run as fast as I can--
From myself,
From my anxiety,
From my depression,
From the voices,
From the guilt,
From you.
Yet every corner I turn,
There are the feelings--
Of self-deprecation,
Of fear,
Of apathy,
Of frustration,
Of judgement,
Of my heart breaking.
When I finally let go,
There you are
And when you're gone
There come the rest.
I am caught in a web
With more predators than prey,
And I am ripped into pieces
That will never satiate them,
Nor you--especially you.

I lie to myself all of the time and
To be honest, I am not quite sure why
Because occasionally they whisper
What I need to hear and wish to deny
But mostly, they spread doubt and fear as I
Start to question it all, life itself and
They fill me with just enough hope to keep
Me breathing, choking me with just one hand
While the other strokes my hair, endearing;
I feel overwhelmed in my perception,
Jaded by the truth as I'm burned by each
Question, sinking further in deception,
I tell myself it should be possible
Only to go and tarnish it fully
With every reason it will never
Happen, while my chance is fifty-fifty.

The way your eyes light up
When you smile,
They show such wonder.

I've never seen anything
Like them before,
They spark like magic.

Take a deep breath and let those bitter sweet thoughts
Just drizzle in, like soft rain kissing your cheek;
As tears flow seamlessly uninterrupted
From your closed eyes, you let all your limbs turn weak;
Tune out all that surrounds you and listen close
To the drumming noise and feel the vibrations
Of your heart as it beats its powerful pulse
Through your feeble body, no hesitation;
That beat is what fights for you more than anything,
That wants nothing but your life and never stops;
It never takes a break or doubts its duty,
Yet here you thought that nothing loves you enough.
You thought you could just end it and hurt no one
While your heart keeps beating, for it disagrees;
Every cell in your body loves you, needs you
Only one harsh thought can’t see what the rest sees.

I taste blood as I bite my lip too hard,
I swear I can even smell it;
I see it on the napkin as I dab at it and
I hear it as my heart pumps more through my veins.
It feels slick in my fingers as I graze over
The wound I self-inflicted
And the notion of it surrounding me
Is more or less intoxicating.
It drips down my chin,
Like a tear might,
And I’ll admit the burning pain
Created a mixture of the two.
I don’t want you to think me mad,
I am just passionately mesmerized
At this sick wonder—
Sick, as in it’s making me die.
I have a terminal disease
And this is how I cope
You wouldn’t understand my fascination
Of the death that flows inside me.

How does one gain the experience they require
Without being given the chance to acquire such?
Why do we live in the shadows of our parents
As the opportunities they gave us, little or much
Give us the only experience we need to gain
Permission to earn the chance of real experience,
The type that actually matters to others?
For when I was caught in the ignorance of my innocence
No one told me to volunteer, do sports, oh no—
It was all grades, grades, grades, which I performed
But then as for this "experience", I’ve got nothing to show.
My parents thought they were loving me dearly,
Sheltering me from the outside world of salaries longer,
Not seeing that no one cares I wasn’t allowed to work
So young, but that my resume ought to be stronger.
I pursue to be sweet, polite, studious, hard working,
As I try to be sensible and ambitious in all I do
But in this paper competition, it is not conveyed
For I have no dates or references to give as clues.

I am disgusted with myself
For inexplicably catching feelings
For someone I would never
Logically fall so hard for.
I must have left my heart open
And vulnerable and I'm sorry.
I hereby demand you leave my heart,
This is your eviction notice,
You have twenty four hours
To pack up and go and don't forget
To leave the key behind.

Please.

I'm begging.

This makes so little sense,
It is utterly maddening.
How could this happen to me?

Take a deep breath, close my eyes, and think.
Think of something other than those tears--
Ocean water is salty wet, too
And fear, yes, like on roller coasters;
The adrenaline pumping inside
That nothing can match; it lets me fly.
And those strange thoughts, just silly nightmares.
And as I tremble, it's a snow day
When I was six, making snow angels.
Just think, okay, think real hard about
All the places you've been happy at
And maybe then I can be happy
Again, or at least pretend I am.
Let me let myself be anywhere
Else from here and this heartbreaking scene.

Take a deep breath, sweet child
And soak in the fresh air that
Surrounds you, for you have time--
Though time doesn't mean a thing,
For it will all fall into place,
This life that has been fitted for you
And only you, it'll wait on you,
As you live in your very present
That has become my sweet history.

Slow down and smell the flowers
And remember that I love you.

Stressed, blank inside, hurt,
Broken but breathing,
Here to feel the pain
That's not retreating.
Never felt so dead
And alive at once;
I did not expect
To lose our romance
But here we are on
The same page again,
Just to see the end
From where we first began.