home is not
him, her, & them
home is where
your mind, soul, & heart
connects to make you whole
you are your own home.
your bones are shields.
your smile is the sun
seeping through these
curtains every hour of the day,
and when these days are coming to an end
your garden has already grown
the most beautiful flowers.
to believe home is everything
but yourself is asking for a disaster
to break down the walls
you have been building for years.
home never lies in the hands
of another but your own.
in this thrifted sweater
and black and white floral skirt
in my soft and faded yellow
and on those pastel clouds
with my daydreaming eyes
i wanted a cheap ticket
i wanted a one way trip
so i could stand protected
so i could stand behind
the holy gates,
bathing in gold light.
in my sweater,
wrapped in light
little did i know i’d feel safer that day
that i’d taste some of heaven
in that sweater in late november
with your arm interlaced
for that to be
the moment our stars
you were a sunbeam
my sweater was security
and your arms beheld the stars
of the heavens
and can i tell you something?
they were all
Before the murky waters came
Life was different
Maw-Maw’s red-bricked house sat at the back of our dead-end road
The ever-welcoming glass door with the
Faulty hitch opened up to a two-step stair
Leading down into a living room
Encompassed with the smell of
And basked in the essence
After the murky waters came
Life looked different
I remember the water whirl pooling into the tops of my
As I trudged next door to my aunt’s water-lined house
To comfort Maw-Maw, who lost everything
Her tears falling into the stench-infested puddles at her feet
And jumping right back up in a splash as if they too
Were hurrying to find shelter
The heat of the sun held the
Stench of the monster
That had us all in its grip
Patches of brown grass mocked us
Where the water had decided to leave early
And accumulate somewhere else
Piles of our lives lined the driveways
Mildew fogged up the windows of
Miscellaneous cars and trucks
Which still held secrets that the murky waters left inside
What could be salvaged
What remnants were left
The murky waters came
Floors were ripped up
Walls gutted out
Bricks broke easily under the weight
Our hearts broke easily under the weight
Of the water
I once watched a documentary about horror
Which was described as something that simply should not be
Horror was the bulging, black molded bar in my kitchen
The scattered furniture in my living room
The stench that took over my senses at the opening of a door to go inside or outside; fresh air forgotten
The fact that my bedroom looked normal in spite of the soggy carpet and the
Drooping painting hanging on my wall,
Clothes strewn across my bed in an effort
After the murky waters left
Life was different
Life became “before the flood” and “after the flood”
“Hey, how are you,” became “have you heard from FEMA?”
“What are you up to” became “are y’all raising or demolishing?”
Three mountains of bricks down my road became
Trailers on pedestals
The trash, our former possessions, was eventually gone
New replaced the old
life is life
We are thankful for what we have
We still sit on that wooden swing in the shade of the afternoon
And we reminisce of a time before the murky waters came
All the while appreciating the
And we still laugh together
We still cry together
Up in that storm-safe trailer
At the back of our dead-end road
Gumbo is cooking on the stove
And we’re basking warmly in the essence
ever since that august evening,
when our paths crossed,
everything in my old life changed,
my mornings became happy again,
my days grew bright,
no longer sleeping the days away without dreams.
learning to write words of love to you,
i spend my days through the seasons,
writing love songs for a dream,
throughout the seasons,
the cold of winter, words to warm your heart,
the scent of flowers and birds singing in the spring, words to make you smile,
the heat of summer, words to make you feel alive looking at the night sky,
the colorful leaves of autumn, words to help harvest your dreams.
east to west the sun travels,
knowing you are dreaming under the stars half a world away.
i fall asleep and dream,
of you and i together,
under a moonlit sky gazing in the soft moonlight,
letting us feel alive.
19 th October 2016
*Writing happened overnight
Some pent up thoughts
Confused no where completely understood
Clarity and Connect
The need to express well
Wrote the night whole
Out ,came The Soul '
Held defences high
Not wanting to break the shell
Some chapters always
Never to be visited
Yet life can be strange and funny
However well planned
It takes it own course
Makes you read listen and understand
And learn those very lessons
The student in me
Glad to have found my words
Or maybe the words found me
The right tone for the inner voice
No more confined
My journey at HP
Has been intense
Reading all your words , sharing mine
The encouragement and love
A connect with a family unknown
A feeling so warm to have arrived home *
You found me dancing around to the song with the dreamy melody line and sad lyrics.
A skeletal silhouette casted upon my wall as fragile legs stumbled and brittle hair swayed.
A large smile beaming within an aching jaw and sunken face.
Doe eyes within weak sockets and tired lids.
Always beaming, always exhausted.
Lucid 2016 found me trapped inside a self destructive dream,
A dream where my illness was my home.
A dream where my illness was my belonging.
A dream where I spat blood into the sink.
A dream where I was painted with bruises and scratches.
What a beautiful pile of bones.
Delicate floral dresses hanging off of decaying flesh.
Cocktails of vinegar and bleach to keep my teeth white,
and my smile always gleaming.
Cannabis breath and vodka kisses.
You can taste my vomit on your lips.
Is my decease appealing to you?
2016 nearly claimed my life and 2017 is claiming my mind.
I listen to that same song and my body goes numb.
It's one of these special days again
That save you when all goes wrong
When I'm left all alone and then
I realize I need to change
My worst day ever turned out well
You left me and I was blocked out
Back in spring, a day in April
Then I got back up again
A beautiful May day and a bunch of books
Distraction comes in many ways
Ancient inspiration for a new look
And a trip to Berlin to educate
To my surprise it worked pretty well
In less than two weeks I had a great plan
So many new memories and stories to tell
To never give up was the most important thing
Hope can fix a broken heart
You may have left, but not my mind
The brightest days in June, the unforeseen part
Clean and fully healed, when you came back to me
But the story wasn't done
You gave your heart to someone else
Or was it just for fame and fun?
'cause I could feel it still with me
August came and I created
A second-hand reminiscence of magic long gone
When commitment and innocence faded
That was when September had come along
A day long awaited for over a year
Thought I was well prepared
Too much impudence got me frustrated for fear
Your deceit was avenging but time cheated on me
I'm out of your life once again
Not knowing why is worse than before
Now it was me who spoiled my own plan
I got what I needed but now I want more
Mission accomplished was what I said
Operation defective the more suitable term
The engine has crashed and I'm going mad
How can I start it up again?
October baby, can you help me once more?
Get out of your movie and recast your means
Don't think you're perfect when you were better before
And don't drop your precautions for a second off-track
Full circle, but back at the starting point
Is this tricky mess better or worse?
Tables have turned and I've lost your viewpoint
And I don't have a clue about time and place
Again I have to rely fully on you
And if I had the knowledge of the whole world in my head
My only chance would always be trusting in you
Top lesson learned, that's what I'll do
She was preparing for her exams,
And I was aiding her for the prep,
Over the telephone I helped her.
She was a bright student always,
And I had to rarely give even a tip,
On some biology topics I guided her.
I loved her like my child.
Misconception rose its head,
In the end the relation died,
So much is lost in this fight,
So much is epitomized here.
Young and cheerful her face,
Oftentimes I am remembering,
Unhappy I am as I fell from grace.
I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.
I'm trying so hard to contain my pain,
But the darkness still surrounds me.
Soon I'll be happy and free,
But for now you're my only escape.
And when I crave the sharp end of the blade on my skin,
I replaced it with the image of your lips there instead.