You found me dancing around to the song with the dreamy melody line and sad lyrics.
A skeletal silhouette casted upon my wall as fragile legs stumbled and brittle hair swayed.
A large smile beaming within an aching jaw and sunken face.
Doe eyes within weak sockets and tired lids.
Always beaming, always exhausted.
Lucid 2016 found me trapped inside a self destructive dream,
A dream where my illness was my home.
A dream where my illness was my belonging.
A dream where I spat blood into the sink.
A dream where I was painted with bruises and scratches.
What a beautiful pile of bones.
Delicate floral dresses hanging off of decaying flesh.
Cocktails of vinegar and bleach to keep my teeth white,
and my smile always gleaming.
Cannabis breath and vodka kisses.
You can taste my vomit on your lips.
Is my decease appealing to you?
2016 nearly claimed my life and 2017 is claiming my mind.
I listen to that same song and my body goes numb.
It's one of these special days again
That save you when all goes wrong
When I'm left all alone and then
I realize I need to change
My worst day ever turned out well
You left me and I was blocked out
Back in spring, a day in April
Then I got back up again
A beautiful May day and a bunch of books
Distraction comes in many ways
Ancient inspiration for a new look
And a trip to Berlin to educate
To my surprise it worked pretty well
In less than two weeks I had a great plan
So many new memories and stories to tell
To never give up was the most important thing
Hope can fix a broken heart
You may have left, but not my mind
The brightest days in June, the unforeseen part
Clean and fully healed, when you came back to me
But the story wasn't done
You gave your heart to someone else
Or was it just for fame and fun?
'cause I could feel it still with me
August came and I created
A second-hand reminiscence of magic long gone
When commitment and innocence faded
That was when September had come along
A day long awaited for over a year
Thought I was well prepared
Too much impudence got me frustrated for fear
Your deceit was avenging but time cheated on me
I'm out of your life once again
Not knowing why is worse than before
Now it was me who spoiled my own plan
I got what I needed but now I want more
Mission accomplished was what I said
Operation defective the more suitable term
The engine has crashed and I'm going mad
How can I start it up again?
October baby, can you help me once more?
Get out of your movie and recast your means
Don't think you're perfect when you were better before
And don't drop your precautions for a second off-track
Full circle, but back at the starting point
Is this tricky mess better or worse?
Tables have turned and I've lost your viewpoint
And I don't have a clue about time and place
Again I have to rely fully on you
And if I had the knowledge of the whole world in my head
My only chance would always be trusting in you
Top lesson learned, that's what I'll do
She was preparing for her exams,
And I was aiding her for the prep,
Over the telephone I helped her.
She was a bright student always,
And I had to rarely give even a tip,
On some biology topics I guided her.
I loved her like my child.
Misconception rose its head,
In the end the relation died,
So much is lost in this fight,
So much is epitomized here.
Young and cheerful her face,
Oftentimes I am remembering,
Unhappy I am as I fell from grace.
I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.
I'm trying so hard to contain my pain,
But the darkness still surrounds me.
Soon I'll be happy and free,
But for now you're my only escape.
And when I crave the sharp end of the blade on my skin,
I replaced it with the image of your lips there instead.
This is too good to be true,
Just break my heart already.
Everything about you,
Makes my heart feel steady.
You've become my greatest fear,
Even though I know you mean no harm.
So wrapped in you dear,
With nothing around me but your arm.
I never meant to care this much,
But somehow you caught me off guard.
I can't resist the feel of your touch;
I tried not to fall, but it was way too hard.
Each sweet little kiss drawing me deeper into you.
I can see it in your eyes,
You feel the same way I do.
So just stitch your heart with mine,
And finally, they'll align.
We'll commit the greatest crime,
Our love concurring even time.
I want to fall in love,
But only if it's returned.
My heart is aiming at you,
While still in resting mode.
The way you kiss my cheek,
Or run your fingers through my hair;
Forces my fingers to gently tug,
At this bow and arrow.
There's so much passion in your eyes,
When we're laying side by side.
Sometimes you touch me with no control,
As if your mind has gone inside.
And other times your hands are so gentle,
As if I'm the most precious treasure you've ever behold.
Falling asleep in your arms,
Is the safest place I know.
Your lips brushing against mine,
The sweetest taste of all.
Our fingers intertwined,
So lost in this new love.
Washed my hands in dirty water
To cleanse my deepest sins
Caught a ride on a dragonfly
Oh, the places I’ve been
Spent those days in an endless maze
Took my blade and cut my way
Through the issues of my youth
Deaf and blind I knew it all as I shook my angry fist
Clarity met me here at the bottom of life’s pit
Do we cross a point of no return
Do we step beyond to live and learn
If evil’s tempted by all that’s good
Perhaps the scheme is misunderstood
My demon fights for love within
It’s a consuming flame that never ends
As he threw the silver at their feet
He could taste his bitter wicked deed
It festered in his immortal soul
His beliefs became his greatest foe
So dare to put this to the test
And learn to love yourself the best.