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Zero Nine Apr 2017
Miriam Marcus struggles up out of bed. She's caught up in blankets and clothing, stuck with a foot in the sheets. Coffee smell. Pungent, slightly sweet, it pulls her by her shoulders, with its body to the door. Then, sharp and deep, scents of a trashcan floating chicken in its own juice punch her in the nose. In the hall, lights flicker. In front, on the couches, bodies pile up, pile over the room. Get caffeine. Dodge the food spoiling happy on tables, counters, and do what you do as you do. Every day.

What's wrong?
Short. Succinct. Acute.
I never even wanted
this picture.
(You did!)
First smell is a fragrance
soft to my nose.
(Sour cream.)
Will I be number 6 in
this two bedroom
forever? Will I
lose my job?
(Probably.)
What's wrong?
Short. Succinct. Acute.
I never even wanted
this picture.
(You did!)

You wanted this medication,
baby. You can't tell me different,
though you could try. *****,
why you gonna waste my time?
I'm waiting for you, waiting
for you to catch up. While you
play twenties in your thirties
I urge your image using only
raw throated screams, always
unseen behind your head in
floating, incorporeal code!
And it kills that I can't know
(Pour coffee.)
if she'll catch up!
(Ignore it.)
I'll chew her heart into chunks,
(Work day.)
just let me!
I'll eviscerate her, devour her
and **** her out
into a self made five mile hole
in the lonely woods!
Just let me.
....
Zero Nine Nov 2017
Must have been the end of a delightful dream
Had my fingers around a power leak
******* up the light when I came to,
loosening my grip on a can of beans
68 cents, tacos on demand
counted the change pushing
through my pockets and
leaking through the seams
In a life like this I wish it
was considered decent to
decide for death even with
in proper company,
but only sometimes.
sip slip away
Zero Nine Jun 2017
Day by day, harder
for me to take it.
There's little or no
chance I'll make it.
To the natural end
of this brittle life
Stay my hand or I'll
find a way to break
what's left of me.
Left idle my hands
wring pain through
my brain, dry as
bone and barely
working.
Zero Nine Nov 2017
Broke, sitting with half plate
Pasta, butter, spice
Shuffle through my old clothes
I used to look nice

What is nice, but smaller?
Smaller, smaller, still
String bean and potatoes
Go fine together

The grocer tries to tell me,
"Divide, conquer, divide."
"What is nice, but smaller?"

I guess the grocer's right
Zero Nine Jan 2017
The err isn't that I
Bear while they imbibe
Maybe entitled defines
Me and this sovereignty
The err isn't that I
Most often decline
The offer
The wine
It's such a shame that I
Only sleep open eyed
Erroneously minimize you
Passively underrate
Zero Nine Jan 2017
All caution
Is gone
Pumped in blood through your heart
Drained from cuts and bruises
To the skin
Patchwork bandages
Divert hurt away from the surface
Back in, too deep, try one more time
Countless times to bleed but it won't leave
Breathe
Let the toxin escape instead on the exhale
Look over your shoulder
Breathe
While I can breathe out briefly what of all the years?
Look over your shoulder
Divert or divulge,
No change ever comes to speak
Look over your shoulder
Zero Nine Oct 2017
I dream about the sunlit days while I'm at the window
The sun, like us, once looked bright, once looked inspired
You, you're looking cold, looking old
You're close in the race, but still behind me
Zero Nine Apr 2017
I write because I have
no talent. I wind up
cooking for reasons
all the same. Relegate
me to solemn, lonely
domestics. Is it worse
even still you call me
Sir? Or is it ****** up
that I care? Well,
how dare you,
Shitlord.
How dare
You.
******* you ******.
Zero Nine Mar 2017
Have I yet impressed
upon you the urgency
of reform?
What's the real story here?
I reply
into a melting mirror
at a face deformed
lit by dollar store
finger lights
I reply
at night I'm dying to change
at daybreak's pallor
it's easier to
just resign
Unhealthy and sedentary unlike
two years ago, arteries hardening
lungs constricted and teeth missing
all due to smoke
I'm a joke,
chain-smoking although
there's a reason to stop
I don't want
to invite death,
then die so slow

But I do want to die lazily
My love, apathy
It's over
It's over
For now,
at least
Zero Nine Apr 2017
It started raining on the day you left. It's not stopped raining one day since. I like it, though. You know I love bad weather, and now I drown in it. You know I love you. Certain things won't and will never work. Now, with your name in lights, my life is even less lit. Can you even seen me in the furthest dark from your star? My bed may as well be chrome, my head a mini-ATX, I'm on autopilot. Toward destruction, I run open armed and face first. The wind and drag remind me of our excitement, of living with the fires lit. I'll die in it, and take all our artificial memories with me.
......
Zero Nine May 2017
Do you know when to stop drinking?
Do you know how to smoke less ****?
Do you know where you're headed,
Do you know what you'll do when you get
To where you're going, why you go,
Or who you'll try to meet when you get there?

I don't know so, please, please would you stop asking?

So I'll turn it all around and ask you instead,
What is it you get from raking up my mistakes?
If you see them all in piles in the first place,
Why would you take me blind to it with
my display so prominent?
You know who you are.
Zero Nine Mar 2017
Rejected. Cast down.
Whose boots to lick
for readmittance?
Wing clipped. Horns ground.
Whose feet to kiss
for readmittance?
Coffers emptied.
Nothing to sell
for recompense
Aim high. Take down.
Plummet from sky
face searing aflame.
Kids are just kids.
Kids will be kids.
Let them learn on their own
Sick ******* joke
Nothing to sell
Zero Nine Mar 2017
You've made your suffer very clear
In anguish's cutting headlights
You are a fragile deer
Glass organs pop under foot
Your psyche crumbles into dirt
Glass murks reading worse
Than it ever has
It ever has
In this one bedroom den, I'm the wolf
Once I was a scrapyard mongrel
Once you were my wide world
Presently avatar of indifference
You've become a cyclone fence
Every dawn sweet music cedes
Every dusk, must evade sleep
Evade sleep
...
Zero Nine Mar 2017
Felonious bologna spread
sweet meaning lips to air
through air to ear.
Good kids grew up framed
Bad kids grew up changed
Zip burnt bone butts
Sweep the back patio
Procure snap lights
Glow sticks in darkness
Vibration received
One hand on the other's trail
White-blue red-pink
Write names with innate
Shapes in muscle memory
...
Zero Nine Mar 2017
Red, you see in red
Twitching
skin puppets
must produce
life flow
Eternal soul, it drapes the line
Pulsing
deep blue veins
under tooth
explode
Eternal life, unhallowed pact
See only red
Can't scrape the taste from tongue, so
Dream only that in the end you escape
Every season I loathe
The change faced
Every season
...
Zero Nine Mar 2017
When the lights stop spinning --
Will the lights stop spinning?
This is the crash,
This is the fall,
I'm the water coming back down
Return from orbit and
Breaking old ******* bones
How's that for home?
When the lights stop spinning --
And they will stop spinning.
Gift of immortality in abstract.
No God, no blessing to grant.
Touchdown from orbit,
******* asteroid.
I am the master/pilot,
My body to destroy
My body to destroy
Zero Nine Mar 2017
Hand over hand, checklist and
A pen
Hull breach after hull
breach blown
Liquid leaking uncontrollably
Blank black space, vacuum
Eating up luminescence lost
Clarity, comfort me
Vacuum dines on comfort, too
EVA whistles somehow sad between
Waves of static and silence

Where is the sunrise headed?
Where is the new dawn?
Is this transference, or
Countertransference?
164 Eva cuts my cheek
leaves seeds embedded
in flesh that betrays the blood.
If Earth is the lonely world
I'm watching the worst sci-fi short
I'm a hero with no extent,
all patched pores defeated
By carbon in the end
...
Zero Nine Mar 2017
Objection

Bankrupt blood pulses
and always has through my veins

Objection

Gender-fukt oblivion
alone rises into view

I'll never be the dollar's friend
Paper will not be mine

Objection

Bad upraising
I'll raise up worse
...
Zero Nine Mar 2017
Used to be frail, and pale, weak inside now
the darkened leather of skin has done much
more than save my life.
It's consumed.
Dark steel armor has worn, formed rusted spikes
that slowly push to impale with blunted
and poisonous points.
I've inhaled
After one long, deep and drawn out sigh in
to twilight's heels, it feels as though it kills
to survive the night.

. . .

To survive tonight
Welcome to the party
Trash can lights light, illuminate
To survive tonight
Free junk and dry cardboard
Beckon, calling out names
That sound like yours
I had a lot of fun with this one.

I've lived in the area surrounding Portland nearly my entire life, and over time, I've realized its appeal is that it's just a big pile of junk. I can't help but think cardboard meets clean steel, skirts/suits meet black duster jacket and ****** crew.

Who the **** finds that appealing? I guess I do. I haven't wanted to leave yet. It does something to your insides, though. Literally and figuratively. I like being a rat.
Zero Nine Mar 2017
When I'm scared
And could not feel more fear
This is where I run to
My home is a rats' nest,
That I share with you
My home is a rats' nest
Parity. Ambivalence.
Stolen at once -- mistake
Our better days pass far behind
Is a lie my heart betrays
My home is a rats' nest
That I share with you I
Invite your adverse conditions,
Your brittle healing hands
We stole parity
by mistake
Stole ambivalence
by mistake
We have detritus decor for days.
by mistake?
On the shores of her lunacy,
the lake before the sea
hidden well
before the **** human ocean.
We own a rats' nest.
Rats' nest.
What's love?
Zero Nine Mar 2017
When all the water has left
the dry Earth will sing to Sky
Return, please, return!
Both the stone pulling
and the void pulling
like to kiss in the middle
of war. Scorched turns to damp
in the end, providing our
diligence and duty to life.
It's shameful the water goes
now when such destruction
hangs in the near distance.
Diligence may no more undo
the damage, for the time
has gone as well.
....
Zero Nine Mar 2017
Believe in me
As I you
Find as our youth
Detaches further
It hurts

I go hard in the club
Double whiskey, that's my drink
I'll meet you in the bathroom
Wash my mouth in a ***** sink
Bus home, charging Love's busted energies
Where the days old dishes drip
with sludge and collect a days old stink
Wrap my head for the pain to come
Sleep ******* thumb, dreading
The numbers will repeat
And replete with melancholy
Accept the pattern will repeat

Believe in me
As I you
Find as our youth
Detaches further
It hurts
...
Zero Nine Mar 2017
That feel when
re-burn fills bowl
Queen/King
out of gold
No clean smoke
No hairy rip
I scavenge
for oasis in glass
ash trays
Expect the soft
kiss and faint
*** sweat of old dreams
but the smoke
blows out and once
more the world shifts
For free
...
Zero Nine Mar 2017
What's the problem?
Root out psychic weakness for clarity.
Get a clue. Find fear with his pants pulled down.
Grease him up. Marvel at the grasp you have
When it is your grasp is cast. Take control.
Write it out. Of a pen, venom dipped, or on LCD.
Create targets. Release your load. Watch what
You thought killed you explode. Say your prayer.
Kiss dementia on the cheek. Find your tools
To craft relief, send your sinking self to sea
Sit on the water, in twilight above and far gone.
Wait for that bony fingered knock again,
That **** is infinitely recurrent.
...
Zero Nine Mar 2017
You **** your teeth loudly,
Smack your lips on ravioli,
Whatever it is I taste of
You can't really say
Meanwhile I've had my face
pushed, mashed on your *****
trying to find life's meaning
with short tongue tight frenulum
Cursed I crave your ***
****** mane grows unkempt
Despite my attempt to
Get some head

...

Dead
...
Zero Nine Jul 2017
I don't even know what to say anymore
I've used the word word and words
too many times and I'm in
something of a rut
dominated by a state of nigh infinite flux
the problem is I'm aiming an empty gun
at yellow iron ducks, red horned devils
thinking the same few thoughts again, again,
again, stuck casting such dark spells
spinning the wheel, ever on the carousel
all i do is cast dark spells
all i do is tell true stories
as if they were tall tales
when i could scribe my life
as if it were fiction
common dark spells
Zero Nine Jul 2017
She used her hands to map me til she saw the screen behold her

dreams. In those perfect moments, I looked, gazed,

fervently glared into the distance from a point that was too far for

her to see. She mapped me til I remembered the first signs of a

storm, how the winds felt. Then, a swift retreat. The winds died,

my skin dried, my ***** raised for rain.
Zero Nine Nov 2017
look at me center stage
send your brain to sleep
if you can't, or won't
this is going to look a lot like satire
but picture me here
with yourself in the audience
you've seen my name on the internet
you've probably seen it on facebook
maybe you've heard of my movies
let's see if you can name five
isn't it funny that i'm being conceited
isn't it funny that i'm not like other women?
let's see if you can name five
maybe you've heard of feminism
if you hate it, i hate you, if you love it,
i reinvented it in a co-opted form
so please, don't forget to thank me
but seriously, though, just kidding
there's some real acting, here
i'm acting like i give one slimy **** about you
and your plebeian existence
i'm acting like i give a single, genuine *******
thought or care
to your meaningless, peasant
life, but i've never thought of you once, at all, .
you think it matters once your
stank cash and card swipe become my available
balance? i drive a tesla, ffs
i've heard the word philanthropy, it's meaning
is a mystery, or is it? ****
you, thanks for the view, but this is my business
Zero Nine Aug 2017
You think I give a **** how much you kick and scream?
It's actually so ******* cute that you think you're over me.
I know the need to destroy, I know your destructive destiny,
but it's high time, and we both deserve to stay alive. One more
time, I'll beg you ride the rails, arms around me. If I die, I'd prefer
not to be interred by me, all the death in hand as dirt, surrounding.
outstretched fingers
Zero Nine Jun 2017
To answer your question from earlier with a newfound clarity, we're over. I've been ready to let go, but unable to budge an answer from the woman of such few words. Well, tonight she dropped me, and it's official. She punched my sheet and gave it back for the last time, passing me back into the world without a hurtful word like I'd been her best employee.

What's it going to be like now, as the human slingshot? All the emotions long left to the side return to the hole the skeleton of our dull relationship dug from the dense pulp of my longing body. I'll be a bullet, the smallest pebble, toward a target picked at random.

That's what's called a faulty firing pattern. For all I've tried, the SSRI won't fix my inability to grasp the practice of foresight, so for once I'll have to really think about putting my foot in the door. A road like that leads to nothing but the worst I have to offer, and the worst the world finds it can give in return.

I want to love, but I don't want to date. What is dating? I feel too old, and if you tell me I'm not old by any standard, then I feel like I missed something. I want to love, but I want to do. As I do, I want to meet. And if I never, then that's fine. But I'd rather meet and make the silent hard sell in a moment of the truest definition of fiery, urgent complacency, than pick through peers and lovers like I'm at a thrift store bin.

What I want, is to do what I want, and do what I know I shouldn't do, while sometimes pretending it's this great disaster that I report in writing, type into boxes on screens that lead directly to the people most likely to benefit from hearing about repeated and semi-purposeful crash and burns.

My perpetual hope is that I'll catch ****'s throbbing hand so well wrapped around my throat that I'll simply die. That I'll choke and choke until you, whoever you are, break the bones away and choke my lungs with blood. I hope for the spastic gasps that you'll confuse for last breaths, when I'm actually having an ******.
Not that I feel specifically directed.
Zero Nine May 2017
I'm not a real girl, just a ******
Cis boys don't like me
Unless they chase, but I'm no bait.
Unless you let me
Whip it out and look in your eyes.
Unless you stare
Back with fire skipping my life.
But I'm
Not a real girl
Just a ******
I'm missing a hole
If that's what keeps
Me unseen, then
Bae,
I don't need
Your world
....
Zero Nine May 2017
Herb smoke fills the room.
I watch TV through rising smoke.
I write rib to floor.
I ruin my cervical spine
To bring you this

No words will fix a messy bed.
You didn't make your bed.
Your mother made it.
Your mother made it.
And here you sleep.
...
Zero Nine May 2017
Join hands
at the campfire

Wish into
the night
for transfer
from states
into
stateless
diaspora.

A
world
away
in love.

b
u
t

i know i know i know

we know we know we know

The
heavens won't save us

I wager
weapons etch distant
moons with craters.
...
Zero Nine May 2017
Blast off the powder keg
One-two with the punches
Rope over your shoulder
Like I wanna reach the summit
Maybe you let loose before
But, honey, I ain't seen it yet
But, baby, I'm scared to like
Messin your perfect face, displacing
Your innocence and makin
Our blankets wet
I said I don't wanna blast
But you got the controller
Got that hold and doin it right
Got my ***** ****, my Xbone
On lock on this *** throne
Pop your mouth a minute girl
Base to the tip that ****
Is rocket sauce
Blast off the powder keg
One-two with the punches
Rope over your shoulder
Like I wanna reach the summit
Maybe you let loose before
But, honey, I ain't seen it yet
Maybe this night is the best
Night of my life I lick my
***** off your skin, sleep
Tight, tomorrow I'll breathe
***** breath
....
Zero Nine May 2017
It's like, at night
The scent of plaid and wet dog
Is all I don't want in my nose.
You're vanished in Bellingham,
While I play keep away
With fragile stability.
What's your deal?
Across a state at least,
You still sink your pitons into me.
....
Zero Nine May 2017
Ever my loss
I wave goodbye

What I brought
Goes with the night

Who wants to use it?
Save it, still lose it.

Life decays as it did, and does.

Brighter these blue lines,
dimmer the dark of death
What it is I bring and brought
goes with the night, ever my loss.

I say goodbye,
I wave. My lips,
I pucker up.
The End
Zero Nine May 2017
Could I find you. I'd be home.
Your presence softens, wanes.
Blue light only through trees.
In clouded mirrors behind me.
Could I return to that still frame,
I'd return your eager, loving kiss.
Had I ever known what I'd wanted
When it still mattered,
I wouldn't write this.
....
Zero Nine May 2017
Crazy for mouth stuff,
Crazy for *****, I'm
Crazy for *****. Bulge
In the throat, or
Six wet lips tangling.
I'm crazy in general.

My eyes trace up your body
Til they meet
Your eyes in the sky
From the ground
I love my lowly place
Between your feet on my knees
....
Zero Nine May 2017
Mind the sprouts
Pass on the egg
That's mayonaise
See, I'm fat
Don't want that
For you

Beef and pork
Friends cow and pig
My dividends:
Lunchtime.
Dinnertime.
To feed

Order the billy club
Then masticate
Avoid the tuna fish
Avoid the weight
....
Zero Nine May 2017
Where is my self worth?
My self worth is done.
Been burned beyond
Earthly heat by my
Own swollen hands.
Where is the time gone?
My blood is wrong.
My blood's gone bad.
Maybe, could be
From waiting just
To die, tending
Life outside
Myself.

What's wrong?
You've gained weight.
What's wrong?
You're looking old.

Oh yeah?
Well,
I hate myself
...
Zero Nine May 2017
Running, cold, unclothed,
reaching, dirt dry lonely roads
I found you.

Meek, nearly silent
beside my quiet roar.
A tremble, lightning writing
across an already blinding sky.
When the darkness came, though,
as I knew it would, the brightest of beacons
burned good above the ill will and good
above the desiccated peace.
I sang to you sadly, honestly, of my art.
I do this all to myself, though, out of control
and unstoppably. Your knowing mouth opened,
you spoke.

The moment
I saw you I wanted
Your disease in me
...
Zero Nine May 2017
Unwell. Or am I?
Who's to say the past is done,
When I clean puncture wounds,
Dawn to dusk, of detritus?

Unwell. Or am I?
Who's confused and who's knowing?

Unwell. Or am I?

Merging verses, moving tiles.
Twisted memories play pretty.
Every tangent plays at once.

Who moves when I move?
Convergence hurts us all.
...
Zero Nine Jun 2017
I wish for once your snoring
Was the growl you made
When you looked at me
Zero Nine Mar 2017
Define normal
Within deviations
Sound limited, what could I say
To truly reach you?
Defended, I pray only
To breach through
What's wrong? You're looking kinda funny.
Zero Nine Oct 2017
The water burns my toes cold
It wasn't worth the wait or the waste for this day
I feel like the love I gave you
I really gave to myself because I saw me in you
Now that we're both gone
Would it be so absurd to truly love ourselves?
Spying through wires in space
You look rough, almost like you never learned
If you saw me would you say I'm better?
If you looked would you take me for someone else?

If I met you again, I'd put the past behind
In the end, the most difficult truth is,
we were looking and lost, fundamentally flawed
nothing more

What if we could make a place ours?
Fire for heat, flat for wheel, safe.
Free from the warning orange.
Zero Nine Nov 2017
Not thoughtless
   enough to  ****  all day long
Not thoughtful
   enough to  escape the hood
Not petty
   enough to  market my  ancient little lies
Not honest
   enough with my  self  to
   out  grow  these twisted  vines

   All along, I've been
friends, only with the pen
   The pen is kind to me
when  I've  blown  my
chances, myself
   Slice  a  Y  you'll find
   The  heart  is  pa - per
   The  blood  has taken ink

   All along, I've been
friends, only with the pen
   All along, I've not been my own  by
extension, not myself
   No way I ever was
   If you could only see me now  my
friends
wasted
Zero Nine Jun 2017
Lately I.
Can't seem to wrap my head around this recurrent plight.

When I was.
Something playing male and heterosexual, my one regret.

Was I met.
Fearfully disgusted partners, with no touch, nor hungry glance.

Now and *****.
Something more akin to a metronome.

All the same.
Years of absent kisses caress new dejection
in their tidy space.

She said, "Grant your soft skin to devour."
Woke in abundant sheets, in the mess that I left them.

She said, "Open wide for my river."
Eyes up, ingest to distention.

She said, "Thank you for getting me done."
On my back so blue that I'm bruised plum.

Forever waiting for mine, wet with a lover's ***.
Inspired by the works of Blaqk Audio.
Zero Nine May 2017
If it's no problem,
please join me.
There's a city outside in the rain.
In the side of an archive coffee shop,
I saw you reading, leaning
-- more like pressing the world away
-- fully removed.

After the shop closed three years later
the weather changed. In the dry dust
the sun burned on the blacked out window,
your face curved more like the sword,
less like the first observed orange light
of hope on the edge of West horizons.
Where are you but in the glass?
But in the mud puddle's flipped throwback?
....
Zero Nine Jul 2017
My great
My great absent
lead, find me on my own
lip kissing ma-diaspora
below

Underneath
her grass
face first burrow
back before the living
Earth

Know well the worst of myself
Your words are worthless

Know well the worst
of the common dark spell

Cast
for hand
cast for company
in tracing pages, ancient,
stained
Zero Nine Apr 2017
Hit too hot hit too hot
Now my throat burns
Watching Workaholics
I'd say Blake is my favorite
His hair is cute I like his face
Wild red hair creating umbrella space
Flick the engraved Zippo the gift from wifey
Blunt in the bowl smoking
Spent ten on a three
My other lover might sit with us soon
Three in a room sharing hands
Possibly kisses, massive attack
Playing mezzanine we'll either touch
Each others' skin or carry conversation
As it turns out I've found peace with
Either outcome or any other potentiality
While it's pleasing to be receiving I'll be
Lying if I tell you I don't appreciate the fine
Details in simply spoken word between us
.....
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