unspoken words,
years of silence

it is time
to spread my wings

to embrace;

i am transgender
I have never had a valentine.
Yes, I had that one guy, that one time
But to him, it was just a
A valenti---- don't really love you kinda love.
A valenti---- wish it wasn't you kinda love.
And to me, it was a
Valenti---- really don't think I'm straight kinda love.
Valenti---- am SO uncomfortable, get me outta here kinda love.

I have never had a valentine,
Yes, I had that one girl, that one time,
But we were miles away from each other.
4,483 to be exact.
With her I felt great
For a while
Like a candle
At the end of its life
You can see the waltzing flame meet the quiet of night
Midnight
Should I stay up kinda night
Skype call kinda night
I love you but... I gotta go... kinda night.

I have never had a Valentine
And it's not because he didn't care enough
Or she wasn't close enough.
I've never had a Valentine because I'm either too much or just not enough
I'm insecure, so insecure of the way I talk, the way I walk, the way these two strands of hair stick out, the way this one tooth just doesn't stay in line, the child inside me made entirely of antidepressants and fries, the truths, the lies, the incessant goodbyes.
I've never had a Valentine and I'm lonely
As hell
I'm so lonely I'll fall in love before you blink,
I'll pick you up when you're standing still,
I'll spin you around like I finally made up my mind to do the laundry
I'll kiss you good morning and I'll kiss you goodnight
Tonight
Tomorrow
Maybe forever.
You see this
is my problem.
This passion
This raging forest fire of emotions
This racing broken heart of haunted suspicions.
You aren't perfection
You're my perfection.
In my dictionary, your name is scrawled into the definition of every positive adjective, every beautiful noun, everything that's not a frown.

You see when I imagine my valentine, I see stars in the sky
As cliché as that sounds, I see stars in the sky and her nose perfectly aligning with the moonlight,
Her eyes slightly unsure whether to meet mine
Her lips lightly quivering with her gaze falling on mine
Her fingers slowly inching up to the tips of mine
Her smile faintly turning into a garden of lullabies
The place I go to mourn my goodbyes and watch the sun rise.
When I think of my Valentine,
I hear her laugh turning into a snort, laughing even louder, her cheeks turning red, tears in her eyes.
And I laugh along, falling in love with every crinkle by her eyes, just hoping she's not dying inside.
Just hoping she's not just pretending to love me tonight. Praying she believes we're more than just alright.

I've never had a Valentine,
But I'm hoping
I'm really fucking hoping
Somewhere in this crowd
I might have changed your mind.
G Feb 11
to that kid in my freshman year class:
who said, "there should be no
labels, i am just me,
not an identity"

i'd just like to say
as someone who exudes
heteronormity,
that even though i am
as queer as can be,

i believe
the beauty in words
being able to put
a definition to a word
with such strength and
duality;

what is the purpose
in erasing it?
do not let them
delete the terms from
their dictionaries.

with knowledge
comes understanding
comes acceptance
comes peace
comes unity.
Riot Feb 9
I’ve sat in throngs of people,
between seas and seas,
knowing there’s a small chance
salt gets called by its name
CaCl2 instead.

I’m constantly aware
I am one compound;
full, contradictory,
Knowing people will find
In the ocean of things
More salt as oceans evaporate,
Lifting to clouds,
Till only enough is left for us to swim in.

A little girl,
collects the beautiful things,
the Seashells people always want
—conversation,
joy,
money—
In ziplock bags,
with water and the
handful who can handle it,

And we,
Undesirable
stay in the sea,
Brushing from horizon
to horizon,
until we’re swept up,
Or drown someone.
Inspired by candies and depression
Letters jumbled,
Here and there on a keyboard,
Looking through our code to see where the error is, the truth is you cant find a mistake if it never existed.
We were just programmed differently, the error was all along in a mirror when you look up and understand.
Most of you looking at the white light while we already passed through the prism.
It was never about leaving the closet, we were forced into it, never been allowed to touch the pot of gold.
Roads diverged but my options are more than two, our orientation isn't a highway but that doesn't mean we don't belong on the road.
They tell me opposites attract but I fell in love on the same side of the pole and sometimes on both sides of the pole.
Religious men telling me Santa doesn't like mistakes but if you look aside your blinders, your God made me.
Stuck between the door with a skirt and a pant, some forget I'm still questioning if I look good in a pant or a skirt.
Letters in a straight line, they push us to get in line and choose a road but we like to wander and wander we will.
Why is it so hard for me
To tell you that
I want to spend my life with you?
You see me
In a way that
No one else has
You've heard my story
Really listened to me
And yet you still stuck around
I love you
Undeniably and unapologetically
But I'm still afraid
I can't tell when I'm pulling away
But I promise
It is not intentional
My feelings haven't changed
If anything they've grown more
And that's terrifying
Because what I feel for you
Is entirely incomparable
To anything else I've ever felt
You mean everything to me
And even though it's hard to admit
I need you
Love and power.
Bodies materialized.
Bodies that matter.
Pariah.

Pariah, on the subway train.
Pariah, speaks in her ugly name.
She is power: Pariah.

She is love.
Pariah.
She is power.
Pariah.
She is this:
Matter.
haley Feb 6
i. the curly, green-haired
leo with the cry-baby tattoo
on her left calf; fish net stockings and
loud guitar playing and
menthol cigarettes. driving through
the park at 9 pm, vodka shots,
the white house with the a-frame roof,
hugs that made your heart feel as warm
as she did

crying as i left my room again to be
intertwined with a girl who did not love me, but i wanted to;
months pass, lonely car rides with
one-sided conversations and
seven years gone,
quiet disconnection
that made you feel as cold
as i did

ii. brown eyes, brown skin,
round glasses and chicago streetlights.
holding each other close on the subway
lakehouse parties in the beginning of spring and
pisces season and tarot readings and
soft kisses on the train.
holding hands at the aquarium,
sweet poetry and calm and
a sense of oneness that made you feel
important

hurt for the third time
a panic, a loss
i held their heart in my hands and
let it fall
harsh
unimportant
i still carry the guilt on my fingertips

iii. short hair. freckled cheeks, i
fell in love with the way the skin
crinkled around her eyes when she smiled.
an apartment, a home built
around our lips touching
wrapped in blankets on the couch,
dense smoke and her hand on my leg while she
drove. chinese food and
waking up against her chest and
laughing so hard
my ribs hurt

crashing. her anger withering away my
heartstrings; pain and
crying alone in the bathtub
moving away
drunk tears on the interstate
punching my thighs
in place of the way her
words made
me hurt
feeling extra lonely these days. they come and go.
You know those beautiful shiny girls?
They are the sun the world revolves around
The warmth feels so good
So bright they blind you as
you fall in love with them
She has color in her hair
and sparkles on her face
She's always glowing
All the moths worship her
She shines so bright
Everything feels dark without her
Look away
Let your eyes adjust to see
the rest of the beauty in the world
You will waste your life trying to be seen by her
These shiny girls have built a force field
They can't see out
and they can't let anyone in
God bless those shiny girls.
Mae Andrea Feb 2
Unanswered questions float with me for days
Eating at my brain, making me decay
But this feeling inside of me, I can’t easily abandon
Its familiarity is comforting
And I’m not easily beaten

And so I chase after you with optimism
Hoping you’ll turn around and see my all
Standing there with open arms
So ready to catch you when you fall

There’s one simple reason why I do this to myself
Even if it’s just a remote possibility
More than anything I’m afraid to turn around
And see that there’s nothing behind me
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