often i am plagued with sudden perspective shifts into realisations of my poor behaviour in this change I drearily daydream of a sudden departure from all those who surround me off on a personal journey of self betterment a transformation into a far more admirable human far and away from the impulsivity and naïvete of my current existence for i have always felt subtle change shocks none.
how precisely this metamorphosis occurs I haven't yet learnt yet the final goalpost is clear I return to collective awe from my friends the weight of my poor eating habits gone the doubt that choked me replaced with confidence and self assurance and a burning heart ready to set the world on fire with its unapologetic love.
but as I rub my eyes and awaken from this vision comes the bleak fact of where I am. the starting point I always have knelt at, ready to bolt out of the gates sans the knowledge of how to arrive at the end perhaps this time I'll shed my gung-** nature first and i will choose to carefully walk to my destination.
my worst fear has been realised. the ascending night terrors i begged to be rid of exploded like a thousand fireworks before my eyes out of dreamland, into reality.
i swore up and down to myself that the voices foretelling your inevitable betrayal were nothing but the howling wind of my deeply set insecurites. yet today, it was confirmed. engraved onto my very eyes, you with another. i
am used to this. the burning and stabbing pain of being forsaken being used as a fuel to feed another's growth and when you had finished gulping your massive fill your doubts were satiated. like a child, bored of his new toy. i was but a springboard for you to launch into someone better. the inbetweener of lovers who is doomed to be forgotten just as he always is.
the first time i placed my lips onto yours i chanced a gleam into what could be immediately, i found myself blinded and in my cold sweat felt unworthy
it was then. you taught me a lesson not easily forgotten love is quite unlike the way others say it is it starts as a masoner's quest the foundations of trust, respect, and compassion must be strong. only then, can you begin the process of forming into what it could be.
so dear, take my hand help me build the cornerstones and transform us beyond this tired dynamic of part time lovers. our one kiss showed me all we could be.
when you leave you do so gleaming and gracefully the words on your lips conveying a sweet, careful goodbye
it was today. i breathed a sign in the air as it filled my lungs, the vision overcame me marked with deserved happiness a light, perhaps from the heavens that this union is yet another pillar in the ever growing foundations of what will surely become the place i am destined to be
if not in your arms, than in the generous love of a friend whom daily, reminds me of what i could be, what i should be, where my dreams could propel me should i follow the ***** you so gently remind me i have.
Used to be frail, and pale, weak inside now the darkened leather of skin has done much more than save my life. It's consumed. Dark steel armor has worn, formed rusted spikes that slowly push to impale with blunted and poisonous points. I've inhaled After one long, deep and drawn out sigh in to twilight's heels, it feels as though it kills to survive the night.
. . .
To survive tonight Welcome to the party Trash can lights light, illuminate To survive tonight Free junk and dry cardboard Beckon, calling out names That sound like yours
I had a lot of fun with this one.
I've lived in the area surrounding Portland nearly my entire life, and over time, I've realized its appeal is that it's just a big pile of junk. I can't help but think cardboard meets clean steel, skirts/suits meet black duster jacket and ****** crew.
Who the hell finds that appealing? I guess I do. I haven't wanted to leave yet. It does something to your insides, though. Literally and figuratively. I like being a rat.
Believe in me As I you Find as our youth Detaches further It hurts
I go hard in the club Double whiskey, that's my drink I'll meet you in the bathroom Wash my mouth in a ***** sink Bus home, charging Love's busted energies Where the days old dishes drip with sludge and collect a days old stink Wrap my head for the pain to come Sleep ******* thumb, dreading The numbers will repeat And replete with melancholy Accept the pattern will repeat
Believe in me As I you Find as our youth Detaches further It hurts
Scream, "You will not defeat me," from the summit of your lungs This arterial winter is all over and all done I want the rain to smother us, one nose to another sharing the air at the corner of Fifth and Couch I want the silence between us sinking heavily while enjoying the rare absence of spoken word I want you filling my chest with the bumps that were lost to view some time ago, like we share phantom sensations from before we knew love Scream, "Return my youth to me," acid dripping from your tongue We can sing in song
Coffee stains and cigarette butts I've found good company on the frame of a couch. Everyone else sleeps while I reach the bottom of my broken mug. It's funny how often I find myself at the bottom. It's rainy in Portland. Just as expected. There's a girl much more beautiful than me Half asleep Half dead Dying In between sheets of complacency. She is delicate and sometimes I worry that her cotton sheets will scrape the skin right off her bones. . I've waited three days for the sky to stop leaking, I've waited three days for the clouds to mend themselves like I've had to my entire life But no amount of brushing under the rug will suffice this time. I think about where I am And how these hands belong to me. They're small and rough and They've touched too many things. I am nowhere and the tiniest accident. I think about the planets and I think about the dead stars stuck underneath my skin Waiting to break the thick surface And reach other galaxies. I get carried away and slip into Jupiter, It's red storms and galactic dust burying me beneath mountains star things just like me. There is a girl much more beautiful than me Half asleep Half dead Dying In between sheets of complacency. She talks about losing her belly button And the secrets I have to keep.
That moon of mine Hides in clouds above the rail line While wind twiddles tall grass "I'm all for you," you said "And you're only for me." I'd be ****** if I'd let on I haven't felt this lift in so long I might have forgotten I'm alive So these lips shut What wants out I leave to rust While eight fingers entwine "What?" you asked with a smile "Nothing but happiness." I'd be ****** if I'd let on Both naked now I'll sing you a song And maybe staring you'll catch my drift