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moon Jan 29
the disconnect seemed to push me further and further to myself.
the word seemed dark again
and there was nothing for me to hold on onto,
nothing for me to keep me grounded.
everything and everyone felt so far away.
i could hold my friends hands and they could touch my shoulder but i still didn't feel here.
I am so much
Better
Than you would have me believe,
And each time you do this
I stand taller than you think I can

But I am exhausted
Of being stronger than they all believe,
When it doesn’t get me anywhere.
Anger is starting to quell and fill up my head along with the misery,
I don’t see the point of stopping it.
They give me no reason to conquer anything.

You have no idea
What all of this amounts to,
It actually makes me feel a bit hysterical
About how many things are wrong with this,
How many thoughts and feelings have been conjured from the impact;
The impact,
That you, of course, deny is even happening.

Maybe one day this will all just end,
At least a thousand years from now I must definitely be dead
And then it will be over.
If only I could wake up one day
And pretend this isn’t happening,
And eventually it could actually be convincing.
Maybe there won’t be so many
Emotions
Filling my head like a poison to myself and others and
It could all just be
Gone.
And it never would have happened.

Even if I could get over it,
And pretend it hasn’t changed me,
Pretend it hasn’t caused an ounce of impact:
That would be too much like what you’ve been wanting.
So whatever I do it hurts me
With acceptance or denial
When I can never
Never
Deny any of it.
But you do.
And I’m the last person to go around blaming people,
But oh Hell and Heaven do you tempt me.

I don’t want to have to think about this everyday,
I’m sure it will always be there though
And I wish I wouldn’t have to worry about this,
But every reaction you make causes more damage
And you’re not even slightly important,
It must be good there’s hardly anyone else
Who is actually in my life,
To risk having a similar reaction.

Everywhere they all say,
That’s the thing, all you have to do
Is not to care and then it can’t hurt you.
I must agree I’ve said that too sometimes,
But I don’t care for them at all
I don’t really care what they think
But it won’t ease the tension or aggravation that’s building up inside of me.
Absolutely insane,
You’re pushing me past my limits
And making me deranged.
It kills me to know
All this agony you’re indulging me into
Is helping you shove me away,
And prove that it is only my mental state.
I could laugh at the amount of therapy,
This could force me to need.
I’ve had so much
Why would you make me feel this way?
Everyday I doubt myself,
I’m not sure how many times it’s from my symptoms
Or from what you tell me about them.
I know though,
I want everything to go away.
There’s no point of existing like this,
Acknowledgement probably wouldn’t be enough for me now,
But no one’s letting me have just that anyway.
While you throw your words at me
Like bombs whilst expecting me to think they’re bandages
Maybe you should just finish the job,
Because each breath I take becomes more forced, more tired, more hateful
Except none of you who think you’re doing your job
Notice a thing.
And that’s how I know
I would’ve been a **** good nurse,
Because I would have cared, I would have worked for people
And now you’ve made me not want to see any,
Perhaps even more than I did before.
I’m not sorry I don’t feel sorry anymore,
You’ve shown me how to feel like this,
I can’t believe I ever trusted,
When all I get is betrayed, ignored or shoved aside
And I’m done now.
I don’t want to listen to humanity anymore:
I don’t think there is any left.
Sumus System Jan 9
So many colors make up our bright mind
Only few can be seen by those outside
Our colors are wonderful, sweet and kind
Others of them are bitter, dark and hide
Each is a person hidden within us
Who want to be seen as real as we are
Sometimes they cry out they scream and they cuss
But they are nothing to fear, not by far
They are heroes who saved us from our death
Came forth from the back to stop the attack
They don’t want to wait until our last breath
Sure they have problems, but cut them some slack
Certain system members may be frightening to some, but they are heroes who kept us alive when we needed them.
Sumus System Jan 9
It was faint before but I can hear them now
They’re yelling and fighting to vow
They had no choice originally in the matter
But they’ve taken up their part and chatter
They try to work in any way they can
They take control and begin to plan
Helping us all through methods of coping
They give us a reason to continue hoping
They know the dangers of the world first-hand
Take up their place and together they stand
They save us from continued grief
They hide the pain and emerge brief
No one will mess with us again
My alters and I have lived through unspeakable things together. We kept each other alive when there was nothing to save us.
julianna Nov 2018
Introduce me to you
Say your name, I have one too
My name is so, so far away
Galaxies can fill the fray
Between what I feel
And what’s my name
I’m dissociating again. My name feels unfamiliar...
lionness Oct 2018
when you took my
childhood away,
i swallowed my voice,
suppressed every tear,
forced myself to adapt,
grew fond of the suffering-
how far into my mind
i would sink when
your fingertips were on
my skin.

you stripped me of all identity
split me into two halves of a person-
living and surviving.

you remolded me into
your perfect creation.

gave me a purpose
with a name,
"babydoll."

when i was twelve
you left this earth
with no explanation.

took away your own heartbeat,
took away my only witness.

what was i to do
with the monster
you created,
other than live
the life
you created it
for?

and i will carry these secrets
to my grave,
and give them back to you
in the afterlife.
Powerhouse Jul 2018
you dug around in my head,
you found things that weren't yours.
but you wanted them.
you wanted them.

YOU TOOK ME BY THE HAND.
YOU DUG YOUR NAILS INTO MY WRIST.
BUT YOU SMILED,
"EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT."

I PLAY THAT LIE ON REPEAT
EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.

you stitched my wounds back together
with rose vines and lilac.
i always told you i loved the smell,
but you never seemed to notice
that the thorns always tore me open again.

YOU DRAGGED ME INTO THE DARKNESS,
IT COULD HAVE BEEN HELL OR JUST A CLOSET,
BUT YOU TOLD ME THIS IS WHERE I'D BE BURIED.
I BEGGED, THIS ISN'T RIGHT.
YOU GRINNED, THIS WAS THE END OF OUR VESSEL TONIGHT.

every time i want to scream, you convince me to whisper.
I had just said how I
Don't want to go outside again,
(That means existing)
And then I realised
My body said no too.
At times like this I can't even get to my room.
Almost like my failure
Is flashing up in lights.

Avoidance is okay if,
It's the only thing you can physically do.
Sometimes I start to wonder
If I should say thank you.
Gnat May 2018
In the process of showing, the veil wears thin
Tell me, is it easy to see the fear in me behind the wheel?
I've never known it to be as layers inside a Nolan dream
As for me and what I think, it's much less a fall
More of an untethered float
Where you can spin and you can twist so beautifully
Make movements so behemoth
You would make mountains proud
But mountains are invisible so far out in space
The movements you travel to make will make you stronger
The better current version of you
But people want to know how good they look
Through your eyes from where you stand
Half the matter in the end is that they'll never know
Secretly to them, we're hurt they're never curious.
Curious, what's that?

No sooner than my ankles and arches
absorb the reentry shock
My toes push off
Time to disconnect
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