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eva-mae Nov 2019
This week I have wandered.
alone, a lost ghost among my regular haunts.
from the coffee shop in the park to the icy edge of the ocean I strayed,
Then returned to the warm yellow windows of my family home.
My hair is a mess, hasn’t been washed and left in a low tuft, at the nape of my neck, twined together with a green satin ribbon.

This week I have wandered.
Alone, a lost ghost among my regular haunts,
from the kitchen I crawled back to the warmth of my solitary sanctuary.
And there I stayed, as normal, in my navy knee length sweatshirt and joggers.

And now, as I sit in my single bed, pale back against the radiator, the tears finally come.
The following is from my introduction thread from when I first made a Twitter:

Before 2019, the only things I knew about Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID, also known as multiple personality disorder or split personality disorder) was from fictional movies like Split.

In January, I started "losing time", finding myself in strange places, and forgetting who I am. And I started meeting my :
"alters".

Since this exciting discovery, I have learned a whole lot more about DID and myself. While I have struggled with the symptoms of DID my entire life, I now finally have the language and community to understand myself more fully. Most individuals with DID do significantly better post-diagnosis and I have already started to see the benefits myself.

This thread is largely about my plurality (dissociative identity disorder) and how it relates to my sexuality. If you want to like or share but don’t want to expose people to NSFW content, please like or share from my SFW account.

Recent events in my life have left me desiring a place I can discuss both kink and mental health, as they overlap. My life exists at the intersection of these worlds and I hope this thread will help me share honestly about the intersection as I've lived it.

To understand why the intersection matters, first my story: I have struggled with CPTSD my whole life. I have been fortunate to get a college degree and be able to hold jobs most my adult life, but it's always been a challenge.

I have had 5 psychiatric hospitalizations with one happening as recent as last month (shortly before becoming active on here). This is a side of my life that I haven't talked about, mostly lot out of fear. I know now that this fear of opening up can ****, and so I am trying to be braver.

I had a near death hospitalization at 2 years old that left me with PTSD. I was kept in a straight jacket to keep me from fighting off the nurses who were just trying to help keep me alive. For periods of my treatment, my family were not allowed in the room.

This traumatic event split my ego into three pieces (at the time). The youngest stayed the same age as when I was hospitalized. He mostly likes to be held and is practically non-verbal and blind. My wife and I call him Little Sweet Pea (LSP for short).

Big sweet pea (BSP) was the alter that became "host" after the split. He is my most brilliant alter and is incredibly protective of LSP and Evangeline. He also has ADHD, BPD, and the worst of my PTSD triggers. He often relates to the charachter Sweet Pea / The Lich on Adventure Time.

He can be so loving when in a good mood and so destructive and vindictive when he is afraid. He ranges in age from 3 to 12 depending on spoons and setting, but prefers to stay at the younger ages.

Evangeline is the alter that took on most of my ****** fantasies. For most of my life, she has existed only in my mind (coming mostly to create elaborate daydreams while sitting in boring class lectures) or when I masturbated or played with my wife.

She is around the same age as BSP. She relates a lot with J-Lae and in particular the character Mystique. She also goes by Eevee (pokemon) and Evie (Cyrborg)

My fourth alter was created by necessity at age 13. BSP was still the host and his mental heath was causing problems. My parents were going to send me to residential treatment to "fix" me. Instead, I created a new alter imitating my healthier twin brother.

I have called this fourth alter by different names but lately my wife and I refer to him as Vincent Adultman (VA) after reading an article on depth psychology as it relates to some ABDLs with trauma. This alter was the primary host from 13 to now.

We discovered my DID in January while engaged in depth trauma work. It has been both a healing and difficult three months as we continue to open up this can of worms. We have always experienced DID symptoms, but never before had the language or community.

New challenges for me in 2019 related to DID: traumatic memory recall, losing time, difficulty sleeping past 4 am, night terrors, non-linear memory storage, dissociative amnesia, dissociative fugue, dissociative stupor, and dissociative trance (all the dissociation!)

New blessings for me in 2019 related to DID: healthier weight and appetite, more energy, healthier *** drive, non-linear memory storage, increased desire for authenticity, reduced susceptibility to old fear triggers

About one month ago, I met a fifth alter. We are currently calling him Ryan. He is a second adult(ish) persona we created in order to interact with my family as an adult. He is hilarious but he requires the greatest number of spoons in order to channel.

And that makes up all of my known alters! DID has been such a large part of my life since my diagnosis that I decided to be more open about it, despite how scary that is for me.

I feel a need to protect my little alters while also wanting them to have a forum they can participate in. Being active on Twitter was actually Evangeline's idea. After 29 years of hiding, Evangeline decided she doesn't want to hide anymore.

I got news of my gay cousin's suicide on Friday. His death inspired me to talk more honestly about my mental health as it relates to my queer identity. I post this thread in his honor.

I am so grateful to my older cousin who paved the road for me (coming out as queer in a Mormon family) before I was even fully aware of the road that I would travel. I sincerely don't believe I'd be alive without him.

I choose to honor his life by living as authentically and happily as I can, every single day. It's truly the only gift I can give him now. Thanks so much for reading!
Also side effect:
Poems
This year I was diagnosed with a
New condition
I mean, it's not a new condition

But it is new to me

I had already earned my:

Oppositional Defiant Disoorder (ODD)
Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)
Major Depressive Disorder (MDD)
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
Persistent Depressive Disorder (PDD)
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Complex-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD)

Merit badges so
What was one more

Just Kidding
This one was different
Very different

It really made everything else
Fall into place
For the first time in my life

Dissociative
Identity
Disorder

I was a multiple
And I was finally
Waking up
DID
_____
Footnote:
Complex-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) not added
Until the DSM VI
You can call me whatever!
Literally!!
There ain't nothing I haven't

Heard
Out
My own

******
Fucckker
Of
A
Mama

Mouth

Or worse
Yet
From

Who-Ever-It-Was-That-I-Slept
With a few times
That
Was all the
Real trouble I was

#innocent

I was just a crazy
Girl
With a crazy dream

Small
Town

Family in the local
Wasatch Wave
Way More
Than any

One
Family

Ought be
But **** we
We're entertaining
More so

Than that
Swan
Michelle

Nobody
Watching
Her
Movie

Anyways
I, Tonya,
Always

Will
Give
You
The

Show
My
Insane
Brain

#thejoke
­https://hellopoetry.com/poem/3209409/13-years/
I
Tonya
....
Follow me on Instagram
...
https://www.instagram.com/p/B2Fv5VAhtep/?igshid=seapuq54x25
I was one person last year
Or at least that's what
I had always
Thought
I was
;

But this year I'm
Collecting names
Like stamps

My Birth Name:

Casey (First Name)
Wilford (Middle Name)
Robinson (Last Name)

The Orphanage:

Big Sweet Pea (Male Little)
Evangeline (Female Little)
Little Sweet Pea (Pregender)
Coco (Spanish Little)

The Caretakers:

Ryan (Adult Male)
Ada (Teenage Girl)

The Introjects:

Kali (Hindu Goddess)
The Hive Queen (Alien)
Abbot (Heptapod)

AKA:

Eve
Eevee
Evie.bot
Kc.ibot
Clever.bot
Robot-nic­k
Baby Aslan
ABDL-KC
Ender's Shadow
Detective Pikachu
KaceyRobinsonMusgraves
**** Morty (Salt Lake, Utah)

New Name Given In The SLC Temple
(Never To Be Revealed):

Lazarus

The Unconscious:
BOB
Carl's Jr.
DID
You know that
DID
Stands for
moon Jan 2019
the disconnect seemed to push me further and further to myself.
the word seemed dark again
and there was nothing for me to hold on onto,
nothing for me to keep me grounded.
everything and everyone felt so far away.
i could hold my friends hands and they could touch my shoulder but i still didn't feel here.
I am so much
Better
Than you would have me believe,
And each time you do this
I stand taller than you think I can

But I am exhausted
Of being stronger than they all believe,
When it doesn’t get me anywhere.
Anger is starting to quell and fill up my head along with the misery,
I don’t see the point of stopping it.
They give me no reason to conquer anything.

You have no idea
What all of this amounts to,
It actually makes me feel a bit hysterical
About how many things are wrong with this,
How many thoughts and feelings have been conjured from the impact;
The impact,
That you, of course, deny is even happening.

Maybe one day this will all just end,
At least a thousand years from now I must definitely be dead
And then it will be over.
If only I could wake up one day
And pretend this isn’t happening,
And eventually it could actually be convincing.
Maybe there won’t be so many
Emotions
Filling my head like a poison to myself and others and
It could all just be
Gone.
And it never would have happened.

Even if I could get over it,
And pretend it hasn’t changed me,
Pretend it hasn’t caused an ounce of impact:
That would be too much like what you’ve been wanting.
So whatever I do it hurts me
With acceptance or denial
When I can never
Never
Deny any of it.
But you do.
And I’m the last person to go around blaming people,
But oh Hell and Heaven do you tempt me.

I don’t want to have to think about this everyday,
I’m sure it will always be there though
And I wish I wouldn’t have to worry about this,
But every reaction you make causes more damage
And you’re not even slightly important,
It must be good there’s hardly anyone else
Who is actually in my life,
To risk having a similar reaction.

Everywhere they all say,
That’s the thing, all you have to do
Is not to care and then it can’t hurt you.
I must agree I’ve said that too sometimes,
But I don’t care for them at all
I don’t really care what they think
But it won’t ease the tension or aggravation that’s building up inside of me.
Absolutely insane,
You’re pushing me past my limits
And making me deranged.
It kills me to know
All this agony you’re indulging me into
Is helping you shove me away,
And prove that it is only my mental state.
I could laugh at the amount of therapy,
This could force me to need.
I’ve had so much
Why would you make me feel this way?
Everyday I doubt myself,
I’m not sure how many times it’s from my symptoms
Or from what you tell me about them.
I know though,
I want everything to go away.
There’s no point of existing like this,
Acknowledgement probably wouldn’t be enough for me now,
But no one’s letting me have just that anyway.
While you throw your words at me
Like bombs whilst expecting me to think they’re bandages
Maybe you should just finish the job,
Because each breath I take becomes more forced, more tired, more hateful
Except none of you who think you’re doing your job
Notice a thing.
And that’s how I know
I would’ve been a **** good nurse,
Because I would have cared, I would have worked for people
And now you’ve made me not want to see any,
Perhaps even more than I did before.
I’m not sorry I don’t feel sorry anymore,
You’ve shown me how to feel like this,
I can’t believe I ever trusted,
When all I get is betrayed, ignored or shoved aside
And I’m done now.
I don’t want to listen to humanity anymore:
I don’t think there is any left.
Sumus System Jan 2019
So many colors make up our bright mind
Only few can be seen by those outside
Our colors are wonderful, sweet and kind
Others of them are bitter, dark and hide
Each is a person hidden within us
Who want to be seen as real as we are
Sometimes they cry out they scream and they cuss
But they are nothing to fear, not by far
They are heroes who saved us from our death
Came forth from the back to stop the attack
They don’t want to wait until our last breath
Sure they have problems, but cut them some slack
Certain system members may be frightening to some, but they are heroes who kept us alive when we needed them.
Sumus System Jan 2019
It was faint before but I can hear them now
They’re yelling and fighting to vow
They had no choice originally in the matter
But they’ve taken up their part and chatter
They try to work in any way they can
They take control and begin to plan
Helping us all through methods of coping
They give us a reason to continue hoping
They know the dangers of the world first-hand
Take up their place and together they stand
They save us from continued grief
They hide the pain and emerge brief
No one will mess with us again
My alters and I have lived through unspeakable things together. We kept each other alive when there was nothing to save us.
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