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Zane Mar 4
i foresee death, washed up on the shores
of this island of self-pity i have shipwrecked myself upon
the absence of a willingness to change
mixed with my deprecating thoughts
is all i have consigned myself to drinking
knowing that i am unable to handle self destruction as a normal human would.
whereas one might lose themselves to alcohol
or another intoxicant
I chose to reach further and further into the despair that previously has spurred me towards growth
yet now leaves nothing but fumes to continually choke me.
i wonder.
will i spring out of this cocoon of hate?
or make another attempt to end it for real?
go somewhere greener.
be ******* neater.
Zane Feb 4
often i am plagued with sudden perspective shifts into realisations of my poor behaviour
in this change I drearily daydream of a sudden departure from all those who surround me
off on a personal journey of self betterment
a transformation into a far more admirable human
far and away from the impulsivity and naïvete of my current existence
for i have always felt subtle change shocks none.

how precisely this metamorphosis occurs I haven't yet learnt
yet the final goalpost is clear
I return to collective awe from my friends
the weight of my poor eating habits gone
the doubt that choked me replaced with confidence and self assurance
and a burning heart ready to set the world on fire with its unapologetic love.

but as I rub my eyes and awaken from this vision
comes the bleak fact of where I am.
the starting point I always have knelt at, ready to bolt out of the gates
sans the knowledge of how to arrive at the end
perhaps this time I'll shed my gung-** nature first
and i will choose to carefully walk to my destination.
Zane Jan 21
my worst fear has been realised.
the ascending night terrors i begged to be rid of
exploded like a thousand fireworks before my eyes
out of dreamland, into reality.

i swore up and down to myself
that the voices foretelling your inevitable betrayal
were nothing but the howling wind
of my deeply set insecurites.
yet today, it was confirmed.
engraved onto my very eyes,
you with another.

am used to this.
the burning and stabbing pain of being forsaken
being used as a fuel to feed another's growth
and when you had finished gulping your massive fill
your doubts were satiated.
like a child, bored of his new toy.
i was but a springboard
for you to launch into someone better.
the inbetweener of lovers
who is doomed to be forgotten
just as he always is.
Zane Jan 10
as i walked past our old apartment
on another cold Saturday
every time I walked this path home from work
came flooding back at once
and i so desperately wished
i could run past the train tracks
through our complex
and up the stairs
back to the first experience i had living on my own
so that maybe
i could go back in time four years
and not repeat the disgusting mistakes
of my young adulthood

this time, I caught myself before the painful longing consumed me.
i have the same chances now that I did then.

new home.
new best friend.
new job.

i could easily fall back in patterns and make the same poor choices.
or, now bear with me here.
i could do everything right.

I just have to work for it.
Zane Dec 2020
writhing and screaming
i dreamt in smashed hearts and scarlet eyes
in it, i glimpsed
all the love and support i had bled myself to accomplish
was thrown out in favour of a greener man.
instead of growing firm from my current status as a support beam
into the proper foundations
you chose to forsake me
for one so much more accomplished than I.

often horrid foresights of this nature plague me
a small tick i cannot rid myself of
each time I dedicate my heart to one, and one alone

the genesis of this disgusting anticipation
might easily be traced to the progenitor
that first yearning i felt so many years ago
it was early in my youth
i fancied myself smitten with a newfound human
after childishly condemning myself to romantic solitude
  at the onset of puberty

she taught me the intensity of infatuation
the lovely languish of being head over heels
and not a fortnight later
sent me into the deepest depths of despair
for what she had sworn to the stars
she quickly replaced with a decree to the devils
"I found one better"

in my guilt and misery
i blamed myself
and forced a conclusion of the following:
these tools i fashioned to show love
do not fit any existing mold.
i, must love too much
must care more than can be beared
must support, beyond what is norm.

as I awake, i breathe in my surroundings
and remind myself that this fear
though cacophonous at my lowest
is nothing more than old hurt
desperately clinging for relevance
in an existence where i know the gifts I bring
are appreciated by those who surround me
and that eventually
they will be welcomed by you.
when you are ready to accept
that which i know you deserve.
Had a night terror that a person I care for a great deal left me once they had achieved a place a positive mental health. I do not support them with hopes of reciprocation, merely that they will recognize I do so because I love them, and that maybe, they deserve love too.
Zane Nov 2020
the first time i placed my lips onto yours
i chanced a gleam into what could be
immediately, i found myself blinded
and in my cold sweat
felt unworthy

it was then.
you taught me a lesson not easily forgotten
love is quite unlike the way others say it is
it starts as a masoner's quest
the foundations of trust, respect, and compassion
must be strong.
only then, can you begin the process
of forming into what it could be.

so dear,
take my hand
help me build the cornerstones
and transform us beyond this tired dynamic
of part time lovers.
our one kiss
showed me all we could be.
for the partner.
Zane Nov 2020
when you leave
you do so gleaming and gracefully
the words on your lips conveying a sweet, careful goodbye

it was today.
i breathed a sign in the air
as it filled my lungs, the vision overcame me
marked with deserved happiness
a light, perhaps from the heavens
that this union is yet another pillar
in the ever growing foundations
of what will surely become
the place i am destined to be

if not in your arms,
than in the generous love of a friend
whom daily, reminds me of what i could be,
what i should be,
where my dreams could propel me
should i follow the ***** you so gently remind me i have.

my heart.
another written for the partner.
Zane Oct 2020
each day i am in your presence
is an act of divine grace
a gentle reminder of the purity of your being.
the sweet air of your soft love instigates in me
a forgetfulness of all afflictions.

my dear,
your compassion is without limits,
the faults of all are ignored
as your kind hands of friendship
form the shape of acceptance.

you are the whitest of doves
the shelter from this cold, hard world
such beauty could only be complimented
and never outdone
third in a series of short love letters to people i care about deeply. some of these are platonic, others are romantic in nature.
Zane Oct 2020
as i watch you from close, yet far
i drift off into romantic daydream.
every day you step into this office
i am graced by your prescence
and neatly alert to your newest hairstyle,
pressed and tied into a form that yet again
exceeds the beauty of the previous day.

long have I wished to approach you cooly,
and much as an example of the sly man I am,
propose a meeting at the conclusion of our shifts
wherein we might exchange grins at one another
complete with deep resounding laughs.
retiring to the warmth of my apartment
yet this time
not for beaming looks and lighthearted conversation.
instead, a raucous intense evening
in which my dinner is had between your legs
with a dessert of deep, passionate thrusts
eyes fixated onto one another.
we retire with andrea bocelli
and I bid you farewell.

as serene a dream as this is
it is nothing more.
for who am I,
but a strange boy
that glances at you from across the building
with a glimmer in his eyes
wrote this about a coworker, as you can tell. I've casually admired her for quite a while, without much courage to ask her for a date.
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