i foresee death, washed up on the shores of this island of self-pity i have shipwrecked myself upon the absence of a willingness to change mixed with my deprecating thoughts is all i have consigned myself to drinking knowing that i am unable to handle self destruction as a normal human would. whereas one might lose themselves to alcohol or another intoxicant I chose to reach further and further into the despair that previously has spurred me towards growth yet now leaves nothing but fumes to continually choke me. i wonder. will i spring out of this cocoon of hate? or make another attempt to end it for real? go somewhere greener. be ******* neater.
often i am plagued with sudden perspective shifts into realisations of my poor behaviour in this change I drearily daydream of a sudden departure from all those who surround me off on a personal journey of self betterment a transformation into a far more admirable human far and away from the impulsivity and naïvete of my current existence for i have always felt subtle change shocks none.
how precisely this metamorphosis occurs I haven't yet learnt yet the final goalpost is clear I return to collective awe from my friends the weight of my poor eating habits gone the doubt that choked me replaced with confidence and self assurance and a burning heart ready to set the world on fire with its unapologetic love.
but as I rub my eyes and awaken from this vision comes the bleak fact of where I am. the starting point I always have knelt at, ready to bolt out of the gates sans the knowledge of how to arrive at the end perhaps this time I'll shed my gung-** nature first and i will choose to carefully walk to my destination.
my worst fear has been realised. the ascending night terrors i begged to be rid of exploded like a thousand fireworks before my eyes out of dreamland, into reality.
i swore up and down to myself that the voices foretelling your inevitable betrayal were nothing but the howling wind of my deeply set insecurites. yet today, it was confirmed. engraved onto my very eyes, you with another. i
am used to this. the burning and stabbing pain of being forsaken being used as a fuel to feed another's growth and when you had finished gulping your massive fill your doubts were satiated. like a child, bored of his new toy. i was but a springboard for you to launch into someone better. the inbetweener of lovers who is doomed to be forgotten just as he always is.
as i walked past our old apartment on another cold Saturday every time I walked this path home from work came flooding back at once and i so desperately wished i could run past the train tracks through our complex and up the stairs back to the first experience i had living on my own so that maybe i could go back in time four years and not repeat the disgusting mistakes of my young adulthood
this time, I caught myself before the painful longing consumed me. i have the same chances now that I did then.
new home. new best friend. new job.
i could easily fall back in patterns and make the same poor choices. or, now bear with me here. i could do everything right.
writhing and screaming i dreamt in smashed hearts and scarlet eyes in it, i glimpsed all the love and support i had bled myself to accomplish was thrown out in favour of a greener man. indeed instead of growing firm from my current status as a support beam into the proper foundations you chose to forsake me for one so much more accomplished than I.
often horrid foresights of this nature plague me a small tick i cannot rid myself of each time I dedicate my heart to one, and one alone
the genesis of this disgusting anticipation might easily be traced to the progenitor that first yearning i felt so many years ago it was early in my youth i fancied myself smitten with a newfound human after childishly condemning myself to romantic solitude at the onset of puberty
she taught me the intensity of infatuation the lovely languish of being head over heels and not a fortnight later sent me into the deepest depths of despair for what she had sworn to the stars she quickly replaced with a decree to the devils "I found one better"
in my guilt and misery i blamed myself and forced a conclusion of the following: these tools i fashioned to show love do not fit any existing mold. i, must love too much must care more than can be beared must support, beyond what is norm.
yet as I awake, i breathe in my surroundings and remind myself that this fear though cacophonous at my lowest is nothing more than old hurt desperately clinging for relevance in an existence where i know the gifts I bring are appreciated by those who surround me and that eventually they will be welcomed by you. when you are ready to accept that which i know you deserve.
Had a night terror that a person I care for a great deal left me once they had achieved a place a positive mental health. I do not support them with hopes of reciprocation, merely that they will recognize I do so because I love them, and that maybe, they deserve love too.
the first time i placed my lips onto yours i chanced a gleam into what could be immediately, i found myself blinded and in my cold sweat felt unworthy
it was then. you taught me a lesson not easily forgotten love is quite unlike the way others say it is it starts as a masoner's quest the foundations of trust, respect, and compassion must be strong. only then, can you begin the process of forming into what it could be.
so dear, take my hand help me build the cornerstones and transform us beyond this tired dynamic of part time lovers. our one kiss showed me all we could be.
when you leave you do so gleaming and gracefully the words on your lips conveying a sweet, careful goodbye
it was today. i breathed a sign in the air as it filled my lungs, the vision overcame me marked with deserved happiness a light, perhaps from the heavens that this union is yet another pillar in the ever growing foundations of what will surely become the place i am destined to be
if not in your arms, than in the generous love of a friend whom daily, reminds me of what i could be, what i should be, where my dreams could propel me should i follow the ***** you so gently remind me i have.
as i watch you from close, yet far i drift off into romantic daydream. every day you step into this office i am graced by your prescence and neatly alert to your newest hairstyle, pressed and tied into a form that yet again exceeds the beauty of the previous day.
long have I wished to approach you cooly, and much as an example of the sly man I am, propose a meeting at the conclusion of our shifts wherein we might exchange grins at one another complete with deep resounding laughs. afterwards retiring to the warmth of my apartment yet this time not for beaming looks and lighthearted conversation. instead, a raucous intense evening in which my dinner is had between your legs with a dessert of deep, passionate thrusts eyes fixated onto one another. we retire with andrea bocelli and I bid you farewell.
as serene a dream as this is it is nothing more. for who am I, but a strange boy that glances at you from across the building with a glimmer in his eyes
wrote this about a coworker, as you can tell. I've casually admired her for quite a while, without much courage to ask her for a date.