Blinded by disease I lost sight of you.

Your words spoken by the voice of my demon.

I felt your love, though the intentions got twisted.

Your touch, familiar yet foreign.

I'm losing it again, reality.

My mind, a place of dark whispers.

When I look into his eyes I see the eyes of the devil staring back at me.

But they're not his.
Just a reflection of the past.

I went from dirt to a queen.

Can I be a queen covered in mud?

An emotionally orphan.

Thrown away like garbage.

Like our blood ties are cut off.

By the scissors of regret.

I can still feel your lips on me.

From a time when i thought they were mine.

But i don't think they ever were.

I can still feel you.

From a time when i thought you were mine.

But i don't think you ever were.

I don't want you to leave,
but I don't want you to stay.

I don't want to see your face,
but I can't stand a life without it.

I don't want you close,
but I want your smell.

I don't want you to touch me,
but all I want is for you to hold me tight.

With time the distance grew.

Prepared myself for weeks.

Like ripping of a band-aid, it had to be done.

Every breath, every hit on that button felt like a stab to my heart.

I heard your laugh, saw your smile in my head for one last time.

I close my eyes and remember.

I need you to be gone.

Fully and completely.

Keeping you means losing me.

For the last time..

..Delete.

With my archangel by my side I'm fulfilling my dreams.

She's whispering me towards the right direction.

I feel empowered next to her.

We have a lion's strength and courage.

I know I'll be exactly where I need to be.

I don't doubt her power for a second.

Food line, the air smelled of grilled halloumi.

A pair of light blue jeans and a grey hoodie broke the line.

The bluest eyes I'd ever seen met mine.

Starry sky, subdued bass.

His smile stopped time.

Seconds felt like minutes,
hours felt like years.

Tangled bodies, exploring.

Messy bed, a head on my chest.

Sheets of memories.

A morning of fake promises.

My heart, exposed.

"Left on read.."

Picking my words carefully on the field of eggshells.

Knowing that if I told you the truth you'd leave.

Like so many times before..

My struggles are seperating us.

Leaving me walking on the ground cracking with every step.

A faked laugh is worth your smile.

A proud hug that I cannot live up to.

With a heavy heart I know I've failed you..

Where you wishing and hoping I was gonna show up?

Are you now disappointed when the door's closed and I'm not there?

Does the gym feel cold and boring?

Like it does for me when you're not there?

Does my absence affect you at all?

Will you text me? To check up on me?

To show me that I mean something to you too..?

Are you?

Everytime my phone light up I hope that it's you.

You, showing me that my presence makes you happier.

Please buzz..

So much laughter, anger and secrets are hidden in my walls.
From a time that is no more.

I can still hear them sometimes, like a tape playing.
Taking me back in time.

So much love, anxiety and tears engraved in my pillow.
From a time that is no more.

I can still feel it sometimes, when I'm in a confused moment thinking you're right beside me.

So many smiles, hugs and stolen kisses my mirror has witnessed.
From a time that is no more.

I can still picture it sometimes, but the face staring back at me is filled with pain.
Swollen, from the tears that won't stop falling.

There we were.

Standing by the lake,
me with your jacket on my shoulders shaking from the cold.

Holding the rose you made out of a napkin in my hand.

You were laughing in embarrassment when you handed it to me.

And I knew in that moment.
You had me.

You put a spell on me.

You released the butterflies.

I'm working on getting over you, I swear.

It's just hard letting go of that connection.

Hoping that it can can be found with someone else.

If it can't , I will always have a place for you in my heart.

I don't want that though..

It hurts too much.

Just know that I'm trying.

I swear.

Beach dress soaked from the rain.

Jumping in puddles with flip-flops while we run to the highest peak.

The high waves, the horizon and the brazilian rain.

I felt like one with the world.

The heavy rain cleansed my body from the salty ocean water.

I wish I could stand there forever,
to just watch the powerful nature work it's magic.

So soaked it felt like my whole body was made of water,
I started to shiver from the cold.

We kept running along the filthy streets.

Splashing ***** water at each other like children.

Lips blue from the cold,
yet I felt a strong fire burning inside me,
more intense than I've ever felt.

All I could think about was how beautiful life is,
it's all about moments like these.

So full of life I knew I'd always treasure the memories from this day.

I've imagined our farewell so many times,
hugs and sweet words of an impossible love.

I really thought I knew when I was going to see you for the last time,
I even planned it.

How I would walk out that door to never look back.
With my head held high, the feeling of relief, freedom.

Little did I know that it already happened, and I missed my que.

Instead of my moment of glory I walked out in anger, with my last words still saved.

The big moment I've been waiting for..

Gone.

It was nothing like I imagined.

No doves flied off the ground, no cheering crowd, the skies didn't clear for me.
Nothing.

It was a night drowning in alcohol and emptiness, it was our song.
It was grief.

That's what it was.

But i was the one writing the final chapter about us. I gave us closure.

Now it's time to close the book, to put it on the shelf of memories.

Hitman.

One target, my heart.

First try. Bang. Perfect shot.

You walked away with your head held high.

I was left bleeding out on the ground.

You saw me.

I felt so exposed in your eyes.

You laughed, I saw that cute dimple and I felt myself falling.

Deeper and deeper with every heartbeat.

Rain was pouring as we ran, drunk and happy after a night out.

We layed close, so close.

Time passed, and yet it didn't.

It was just us, falling in and out of sleep in each others arms.

I looked into your blue eyes and I knew.

This is it, this is what I want.

I want you.

It's been officially over for months but everytime we see each other it's like nothing's happened.

Last time I saw you you said you wanted to kiss me and I said I wouldn't mind..

I knew it was stupid, that I'd spend the day after crying.
I told you I wouldn't but I lied..
And I cried.
I know you're not my home anymore but as soon as your lips touch mine I feel home again.
I wanted to live in that lie, if only for one more night.
Everytime I tell myself it's the last time but my knees still get weak when I see you, and I give in.

I am afraid.

My inner demons are taking control like never before.

I feel how the darkness makes me rot from inside.

The stench from my walking corpse.

I am so afraid.

I feel how they're winning the last battle.

The person I was is dying, beyond saving.

There's no turning back, I'm a living dead.

Seatbelt on.

The world is in front of me.

With the windows down I feel the brief summer air.

The roads are clear.

I turn up my favourite song and I sing.

I sing it until my throat gets sore.

Road and sunset, that's all I see.

I love every minute of it.

So free.

Along with the sun I drive, destination unknown.

Just to be, just to feel the life in me.

If this isn't freedom, what is?

I'm sitting on his shoulders, looking out at the rest of the dancing crowd.

The music puts a spell on the evening.

I breathe happiness, pure joy.

Have I ever felt this free?

My hand fits perfectly in his.

We dance our way through the crowd of happy people.

Such a magical night.

We sparkle, just like the fireworks.

The night belongs to us.

My tall stranger and I.

He tastes like tobacco and beer, just like me.

Tonight we belong together, I feel proud to have him by my side.

I'm sure I will see him again soon,
my tall stranger

My plan was to enter the new year without you in it.

To let midnight's fireworks be a mark of leaving 2018 and you behind.

I can't.

It's still you.

I'll take the risk of bringing you with me to next year.

As my grey area.

I'll leave our fate in the hands of 2019.

Beer cans all over the place.

Sad songs in the background, to provoke me.

To help me feel.

Please help me feel..

The pressure of having to be good enough..

..is a heavy burden.

Need get be better, accomplish.

The constant search for perfection.

But what am I searching for?

Me?

My heart is playing tricks.

The butterflies were going one direction.

Only to be caught up in a storm.

And now they're flying all over the place.

I guess that's the beauty of it all.

Not knowing which way the wind will take them.

I was like a puzzle to you. You scattered the pieces, removed some important ones for me to never find again. I could no longer put it back together the way it once was.
But don't worry, I'll find better pieces. I'll make a new original, a better, more beautiful one where no pieces can be lost again.

Two fences, seperating me from the outside world.
Barbed wire, sharp razorblades.

I have an hour to breathe fresh air.
To get a sense of reality, to feel alive.

Eyes closed, in my mind I'm almost free.
No locks. No guards. No uniforms.

A brief moment. Silence.

And there it is, the sound that has defined me for years.

Keys.

Game over.

A few months ago,
he said that even though we're over we'll always belong together.

That it'd never be over between us..

I felt comfort in that sadness somehow.

Knowing that he'd always be there.

Hoping that one day we'd find our way back.
Cause it was meant to be, right?

But I could feel it in my whole body last time.

I won't hear from him again.

He let me go..

The memory of his smile is fading, I can't remember his voice anymore.

I never thought it would end like this.

Someone I used to stay up all night laughing with. Gone.

He gave up on me so many times but this time it was final.

I mean nothing. And yet he means everything.

This heartache is slowly killing me.

I can't do it anymore, I want to give up.

My goal for this summer.

I'll take my places back.

The places I showed him.

They were mine first and I'll make them mine again.

Create new memories without him.

With my friends, cause they'll remember with me.

I won't be afraid, I will take my places back.

Even if it hurts the first times, they'll be mine again.

Cause it's my goal this summer.

You. Stable, like a tree.

Me. Chaos, all over the place.

Can I set my roots with you?

Can you handle my turmoil?

Can I be the hurricane to your tree?

Will you still stand tall?

Or will you fall,
like I did?

I am changing.
I'm not greatful nor have I gained wisdom from what happened to me.
But I am tougher, my barrier is stronger.
I know who I am, and I'm no longer afraid.
No more ******* and lies.
I see through it all.
So take your best shot, I dare you.

Your hands on my body, that I tried to push away..

Your lips on my skin, where I didn't want them..

My back against the wall, where I couldn't break free..

My hands trying to get you off me, when you wanted my clothes off..

My pleads of No, meant nothing.

My body shaking, wishing that I didn't exist..

Your weight on me, another suffocation..

The words no longer could leave my lips, my body wasn't mine anymore..

The running, crying in panic with no shoes is the last I remember..

I remember it like it was yesterday, wait..

it was.

I thought you were my friend..

I've been shot by a hundred bullets.
I've been kicked to the ground.
Left to bleed out.

But I've been in training.

I can hear your bullets from miles away.
Kick me and I'll kick harder.
Try to knock me down and I'll knock you out.

There's nothing left to bleed.

It's 6 AM. I'm a wanderer.

Walking around my empty city.

Overwriting my patterns of memories.

The past is haunting me where I go.

Erasing my old tracks with new ones.

Year after year, with new memories connected to my feet.

Your lips on my forehead, I close my eyes.

I can feel you smile while kissing me.

Your beard is tickling my skin like always.

Your hands search for mine.

I feel myself relaxing, like a drug is kicking in.

The past days fears and insecurities, gone.

No words needed.

We are meant to be, it's clear for the world to see.

No language could express the connection we have.

No matter how much we try to deny it,
it's obvious.

How much we love each other.

Four months today. Since he became mine.

4 months of peeling each others layers.

Layers of love, layers of conflicts.

Some almost fell off, some were a challenge to even budge.

We fell apart, only to collide once again.

The hard collision brought the toughest layers with it.

And here we are.

4 months later.

Honest, bare and exposed.

Closer than ever before.

No matter how hard our fears tried to stop us,

we can't fight destiny.

I want to tell you I like you, how my heart beats for you.

How it skips a beat everytime I see you.

But I won't.

Afraid I might lose you.

I know you like me too.

How you smile when you see me.

The hugs that are a little too long.

The connection we have is obvious.

Together we shine.

Yet we do nothing.

I'll keep loving you in secret.

Hoping one day we'll end up together.

We were each other's everything. We were gonna take on the world together, fight all battles side by side.
And now we are just strangers with some memories. Isn't it strange?

A blank new page.

Staring, wondering.

What should my next chapter be?

Where do I go from here?

The blank pages have no answers.

The pencil is trembling in my hand.

I take a deep breath as I write

Now live.

Up on the hill we were watching the city beneath  us.

A city in constant movement, completely unaware of our existence.

We felt like the world was ours to take.

Oh, the plans we made for the city of lights..

That night we promised each other forever.

Wearing your way too big hoodie I gently kissed your forehead.

Hoping the night would never end.

For once the sky was clear, I saw a shooting star and made a wish.

That our forever was real.

With you laying in my arms watching the stars,
talking about how we waved at ourselves from a parallell universe I thought it was.

But sometimes love isn't enough.

Underlying tension in the air.

Is a breakup near or is it just fear?

You're starting to peel my layers, coming closer to the truth..

Can you handle it?

Can I?

I can feel the darkness inside me again.

Fighting so hard to stay in the light where I wanna be.

Even if I can't win this battle,

please don't leave me..

Leech.

You're not welcome here anymore.

Time to find a new victim.

This one is drained.

I loved someone who saw my qualities as flaws.

I trusted someone who spoke lies fluently.

I literally crossed oceans for someone who'd never jump a puddle for me.

I cared for someone who, with a cold face watched me cry.

I was held by someone who didn't really care.

I have sent a hundred texts to someone who ignored me for days.

I was with someone who expected the best but gave the worst.

I have said "I love you" to someone who didn't answer.

I loved someone with all my heart knowing he was breaking me.

But I will never stop loving.

Someday, someone else will see my flaws as qualities.

If you don't know how to give love to your child, don't be a mum.

If you don't know how to support your child emotionally, don't be a mum.

If you don't know how to show empathy, don't be a mum.

If you don't know how to point your child in the right direction, don't be a mum.

If you don't know how to be a mum, don't be a mum.

Which mask should I wear today?
No one can handle seeing the bare, naked me,
so I created a closet filled with masks.
One for every mood expected of me.
So which one is it?
The happy, loving one?
The sad one?
The supporting one?
The angry one?

Please don't catch me off guard. I want to keep you.

I'm back where I started..
..his laughter, a voice I can't ignore.

My heart is pounding.

A feeling in my chest, impossible to deny.
I want him close.

Breathe. Focus.

.. and there he is..

With a smile he touches my neck.
A brief moment of closeness.

He looks into my eyes and I know.

The vibrations in the air shake the ground.

I want it to last, I want more..

But I need it to stop, we both do.

He is fire and I am water.

The butterflies of freedom are filling me.

I want to run, with the wind in my hair.

Towards the sun.

I feel light as a feather.

I can go anywhere, and do anything.

Wherever the sun will take me.

I heard your voice, and i heard home.

We speak the same language, a language no one else would understand.

Raised on the same streets, in different cities.

We just look at each other and smile.

In our chaotic world we've found peace.

Knowing we are home.

She is growing, but not the way you might think.

The face in the mirror looks different.

Peaceful.

Her smile is no longer forced, it has become a natural part of her.

Her laugh echoes with pure joy.

Spreading.

Her voice is calm and humble.

Soothing to others.

Her steps are light, like she's dancing down the streets.

Freedom.

She's standing tall, yet relaxed.

Protective.

Her whole body radiates safety and love.

Caring.

This is her growing.