The greed makes me feel hollow
I am losing all the treasure I have had My need above others My life more than theirs I can't believe I could But when I I would repeat it again I will hunger for more No matter the others would starve I change, become a monster.
Bony parts bruise faster.
I think to myself. I look down at my arms. They are tinted yellow from the fading bruises. Fatty parts bruise harder. I think to myself. I look down at my thighs, they have black spots scattered over them. I sigh and touch my collarbones protruding from my body. I stack the coins. I can fit 17 on each collarbone. I look in the mirror and I know I am looking at a hollowed out skeleton, but all I see is me .. just as I've always looked, grey, boring, ordinary...
The promises you fed me were empty
leaving me hungrier than I ever was
The growling of my stomach reminds me I'm alive.
Over and over relapse after relapse, when will my body finally collapse? Not eating for days, is it from the depression or for the control? The control that I cannot grasp so I try harder and harder as my heart beat gets softer and softer. Never will I be thin enough but I can sure try if I can't control my mind, why not the size of my thighs. Summer twenty-eighteen, five days of no food, five days of stumbling upstairs and stumbling from the hall to my room. Falling in the shower, black spots in my vision. Fall of twenty-eighteen, trying to recover, but now I scream in the spring. In my mind, I yell not to eat hoping to control the storm of insecurities in my head.
I feed my habits
And ignore my needs As distasteful as it seems My plan succeeds I plant the seeds That grow the weeds Won't feed myself I starve, deceased.
Here I am
where I've been so many times before nothing is wrong yet everything is off everything is wrong My heartbeat is too fast for this to be right, fine, good. I'm Fine. Why does this happen? Why do my mind and my body disagree? There should be no inner conflict such as this Cry Die Hide Abide Starve Survive Who would want this life the life of a broken individual? me. I do. I am broken. I am strong. I am proud. I have potential, and so do you.
My kisses must be toxic, poisonous.
Starving for love, they **** every chance. I'm longing for affection, pure love. I wonder if my eyes give it away. The fear of being hard to love, toxic. I lean in. His lips feels cold on mine.
Stuff your mouth with food, so that you can stop your crying.
Don't think twice about the effect it will have. You'll take care of that later, my dear. Trust me.
I'm hungry but I don't say anything Because I can hold on longer Chew pm Someone says I look thin Have I lost weight?? Three pounds Potentially three pounds But I don't know because I always think I look bloated Four ice cubes to tie me over I don't need to eat I'm okay Five fat shaming ******* Stroll past me in their skinny jeans Reminding me who deserves to be a size 0 Tricks o' the mind Start to play As I tell myself I don't need to eat because I did yesterday Age seven is when Mama first told me to stretch my shirts Hide my figure Watch what I eat Stop taking second helpings No dessert Eight Looks like a couple of donuts. Muffins. Pizzas. Any round food. My round stomach. Nibble pm. It's okay to eat a little? Maybe? Ten pm? Or ten candy bars? Eleven hours later Nothing in my belly But four ice cubes Twelve: time to taunt my taste buds Trick myself Tell myself that I'll eat tomorrow Tomorrow will be the day The day I really splurge Everyone knows that's a lie But my tummy doesn't
Say hello to your new friend
That is called Anorexia Nervosa. Rigid are her ways, Viscious her thoughts, Endless commitment.