Our bodies were shivering.

We held each other.

Surrounded by water, out in the lake.

The thunder and rain crashed around us and I felt your lips on mine.

Our feelings for each other were so real and intense in that moment.

The memories and moments we have will be my favourite movie to watch.

I've searched so long, for that phenomenon called Happiness.

So busy looking I didn't realize it was right under my nose.

Happiness is buying a stuffed dinosaur for your best friend's newborn.

It is getting to smell the scent of your favourite lip balm you thought you'd lost.

Happiness is knowing that you'll soon get a tight hug from the person you love.

Happiness is knowing that tonight you get to cuddle in your pajama after a hard workout.

Happiness is getting a text that makes you laugh so hard you cry.

Even burning your dinner so you have to start again.
Because you know you have more, that is happiness.

Happiness is singing and dancing along to corny songs thinking about the person who makes your heart flutter.

It's all about the little things, the things that make you tick.

That is the definition of happiness.

It took me so long to open my eyes, to see real happiness.

I'm glad I finally did.

I've tried to drink you away.

It only made me miss you more..

I've tried to smoke you away.

It only made my lungs burn along with my heart.

No drugs can make me forget you.

The hope for the day you'd change your mind is fading..

Days of silence go by.

You will never be mine, will you?

The years of being constantly knocked down are forever gone.

No more heart on her sleeve and clenched fists.

The suffocated voice inside her has grown strong.

She speaks louder than ever, and no one dares to go against her.

The fear in her eyes is replaced by vengance.

A fierce, unpredictable rebel is born.

Heading for war.

She's now ready for anything and anyone.

The most beautiful, savage beast anyone has ever laid eyes on.

With fire in her eyes, purple lipstick and Dr. Martens she is now waiting.

To watch her enemies crumble beneath her feet.

And she breaks into that lethal smile of hers that only she possesses.

You could've left, honestly I wouldn't have blamed you.

You could've left, but you didn't.

Instead you drew your sword, fully armoured.

Alongside with me you fought.

Slayed my demons one by one.

When my strenght ran out you held the frontline.

I see you rise and fall, only to rise again.

You fight and you bleed, for me.

My best friend, know that I'm always ready.

Ready to fight for you, I'll slay 'till my last breath.

For you.

I love you my swordsman.

Billy from Belfast.

Oh, I wish I could explain what you did to me..

I close my eyes and I can still see us there,
on your tiny balcony.

The silence of our dreams covered by a voice that sings about an unknown future.

The sun dancing on the rooftops.

You are me and I am you, a soul connection out of this world..

A silent minute for our fallen hero, Chester Bennington.
A cheer with Stella.

Tired legs running, empty streets.

Our laughter echoes, a dead bar street.

A lost phone, a search for an open supermarket.

An empty beach, no life guards on duty.

My head on your chest, shared chemistry.

Your lips on my forehead..

Oh, how the morning sun hit your face.

I wish you'd realise how beautiful you are..

I take a sip of your ****** drink, I smile and take your hand.

Sticky salty skin, the heat of the rising sun.

7AM.

Sand in my cup, I see you watching the horizon.

I look at you and I wonder..
Can I have you?

...Billy from Belfast.

An old enemy turned into clarity.
In the silence I hear my truth.
The winds carry my voice,
from lifetimes ago.
Eternal.
Ancient wisdom purifies my soul.
I now choose to listen.

Beyond the noice, I hear life.

Dimples, creations of joy and laugher.

My wrinkles tell stories of childish fun and games.

A forced smile, a see-through facade.

My cold eyes tell a different story.

The first  shy conversation, afraid to make eye contact for too long.

The first coffee, staring down our mugs with a smile.

The first road trip with laughter and jokes in the car.

The first meal together, where we acted too polite.

The first horror series marathon, your hand almost touched mine.

You asked if I was scared, I said no even though I was.

The almost kiss in the car outside my house.
We both wanted it but too scared to make the move.

The first falling alseep with a smile on my face because of you.

Teary eyes, heavy chest.

Burning anxiety, trouble breathing.

Hours feel like days, days feel like years.

He's close, yet so far..

His eyes, so hard to ignore.

My cries to be understood, failing.

Am I asking too much?

A moment alone, and I wonder..

Summer's on it's end, are we too?

I forgive myself for that weak moment.
When I wanted nothing more than to decieve you, to hurt you.

I forgive myself, cause I didn't.

I forgive you for your lack of words, for your absence.
Cause deep down I know.

I'm sorry that I even have to be sorry..

It feels like yesterday.

How we stood in our window, smoking cigarettes

Listening to our song, with the sun on our faces

Laughing, kissing

Talking about our future with hope in our eyes

Looking at each other with butterflies in our stomachs

Now those plans are gone, just like you

Our song is no longer our song

The sun is replaced with clouds

Our laughter is replaced with silence and tears

The butterflies are gone

All there's left are grief and the question why?

Every day you're on my mind.
Cause you were one of a kind.

We found each other in the dark.
That day at the park.

But I want to forget.
Now you're just another regret.

It's all in the past.
We knew it wouldn't last.

Time flies,
as our love dies.

I got the chance to have you one last time.

A wake-up call for the both of us.

A different one though, you felt more.

I felt less.

I needed that one last night to realize.

You're free to go.

I left my heart of glass in your hands,
trusting you would keep it safe.

You dropped it on purpose.

I'm now picking up the broken pieces,
cutting myself on some.

The best memories have the sharpest edges.

But I'll glue it back into one piece
with my bruised hands.

The cracks will only show how much I once loved.

Are you there?

Do you feel better off without me?
If you could see me you'd know I'm not..

I wonder if maybe you miss me but your pride is stopping you?
If that's the case I forgive you.

I want you here with me..

I miss your lips on mine, I miss your smell.
Your contagious laugh.

Please call me to say it was just a nightmare,
can you do that for me?

I still remember the first time I heard your voice.

16 years ago you blew me away.

Your words spoke to me.

One of my dearest memories..

I'll never forget it.

I fell in love with your words.

Every day you kept me going, kept me alive.

When I lost hope you were there.

And now you're gone.

No more words. Only grief.

Another star burned out.

A piece of me died with you..

Now you're frozen in time.

So much work and determination for that moment.

Weeks of training, to predict all the opponent's moves.

Tears of frustration, blisters and bruises all over your body.

Looking at others enjoying food you're not allowed to touch.

Running, with a burning feeling in your chest.

All for that moment, those 4 minutes that can change everything.

Judges lined up, blue and red flags in their hands.

The fear of them not raising your color in the end.

The surrounding sounds go away.

Fighting gear on, nodding to you coach's distant words.

The sweat starts running under your helmet, heart's racing fast, the adrenaline kicks in.

The sign is given, it's time.

The mat feels bigger than it looks.

With shaky legs you walk out, to bow for your opponent.

Facing each other, you'll never forget the eyes of your enemy.

The whistle blows, the moment has arrived. It's time to put the weeks of training into action.

One final deep breath.

Fight. Fight for the time you've sacrificed.

Fight with all your might, to earn that medal around your neck.

Cause in that moment it's worth everything.

Her blue eyes meet mine.

Her gaze is firm, she radiates authority, strenght.

Her feet, etched to the ground.
No hurricane, no tornado will move her.

Yet her eyes somehow reveal a soft side.
There's something childish and playful in that smirk of hers.

I wonder who she is.
So familiar, yet unknown.

I envy her.
That strong woman.

Where have I seen her?

I hear a whisper, a voice I recognize.

"Look again".

One lie can change a hundred truths,
and that lie leads to a hundred more.

A kingdom built with what appeared to be solid rocks, turned out to be just sand.

All blown away when the storm hit.

The storm you created, as an excuse to leave.

Sand running through my fingers, mixed with all the lies.

I'm staring at the big pile of sand that used to be our life.

I dug for weeks, for truth and reasons.

The truth hit harder than the lies.

With time I stopped digging, there's no point.

I already had the truth.

I said my farewells to you in that pile of toxic sand and I left.

To follow a new path, my path.

The one no one's ever walked before me.

I follow my truth on my unknown journey,
I know it'll lead me to my destiny.

I keep walking, to a bright future.

For me.

I will see you again soon.
And my heart sinks when I think about it.
Cause I know it will be the last time I see you, and you don't know. That will be the day I'm leaving the thing we called us behind for good.
I can already feel how heavy my steps are gonna be when I walk away from you for the last time.
Never to look back or return.

I know you don't care, but I do.
And another piece of my heart is going to die that day.
I am going to leave all the broken pieces behind, they're gonna follow me like a trail on my way home.
But I'm gonna leave them there. Scattered on the road, to never pick up again.
They will fade as people walk all over them daily not knowing. And with time it will all be lost.
The pain, broken pieces and the bad memories. YOU.

Scrolling through the contact list.
So many names, no one to call.
I'm shaking.
Is it fear or withdrawal?
I don't know the difference anymore.
I've tried to scream, yet no one heard.
Words can no longer describe this feeling.
Alive and free, an invisible prison.

Liquid poison and burning lungs.
Someone, save me from me.

The seat next to mine is empty.

No one is singing the songs back to me.

No one is interrupting my calculated playlist with bad old songs.

The comments on my driving that used to bother me,
I now miss.

There are no shoe marks on the dashboard,
no trace of adventure.

The over excitement about the view that used to make me roll my eyes isn't there.

I miss these silly things that I took for granted.

It all starts today. I'm now 27.
It's my new beginning, my new year.

The person who hurt me the most doesn't know the 27 year old me.
The person who ***** me doesn't know this version of me either.

It's like I've been cleansed. I can start again.
Better things are ahead.
I feel it in my bones.
I'm stronger than ever and
I have a new person in my life.

Life at 27 will be mine, and only mine.
I'm washing away the sadness from the past,
taking a deep breath and feel new life inside me.
I can't wait to explore the new me.

The words of not being good enough.
Yet you can't leave me alone.
A game without rules.
So who's winning?
Who's winning when the both of us are losing?

I wanted you to be like me.

You wanted me to be you.

It worked for awhile.

But we found our way back..

To the ones we actually are.

That's when it crashed.

Our worlds collided.

It didn't match.

We grew apart again.

But for a brief moment, we were something.

We were glorious.

Everytime I saw a shooting star I used to make a wish.

None of my wishes came true,
my dearest wishes..

I no longer believe in shooting stars,
they've failed me too many times.

Maybe there's another way to make them come true?
The answer is within me, and I will find it.

You in a prison cell they put you in.

Me in my mental prison, that you created.

Your freedom taken away by force.

Mine taken away from you.

You put the words in my mouth when i couldn't speak.

You knew how i felt before i did..

You helped me through the worst times of my life, and you were always by my side.

Just hearing your voice sorted out the chaos in my mind.

You were there, a never-ending comfort, no matter how broken i felt..

You were my calm in the hurricane.

Your voice guided me, through all struggles.

That voice is now gone.

Forever recorded, but now gone.

But what about the future?

Who's gonna be there?

No one can ever replace you.

For 16 years you've been my best friend.

I'll keep your memory alive.

Rip Chester Bennington.

My mind is empty, passive, yet filled with chaos from the past.

Afraid to feel again, to give in.

Scared this is another trap.

What can I give him that no one else can? Why me?

Is there another hidden agenda?

I can't resist his words, yet they scare me to death.

It's like a love song I wanna play on repeat,
but still wishing that the record would break.

Before I do.

Shaking on the bathroom floor.

Mascara running down my cheeks.

The smell of alcohol on my breath.

Cold sweat.

I can't move.

Paralyzed.

I am one with my anxiety.

Same words echoing in my head.

"He's back".

I'm caught in the waves of suffocation, but I'll learn how to surf on them to catch the fresh air of freedom again.

How alive I feel.
There's only me.

Me,
watching the stars as the moonlight guides my way.
Everything is quiet, all I hear are my own footsteps.

I feel free,
no one knows where I am or where I'm going.
In the daylight I'm lost, but at night I'm home.

I'm absorbed by the dark,
but I know where to go,
I know who I am.

This is where I belong.
How alive I feel when I'm alone in the world.

One step, deep breaths.
Two steps, body starts to shake.
Three steps, getting tense.
Four steps, legs are heavy.
Five steps, getting dizzy.
Six steps, can't feel my hands.
Seven steps, breath gets shorter.
Eight steps, pulse is rising.
Nine steps, I feel sick.
Ten steps, can't feel the ground.

Footsteps!
I feel someone coming up behind me.
The scent of a man.
Fear, panic, everything happens fast.
I can't breathe! I want to run but my legs won't work.
Losing touch with reality. I'm gonna faint, I'm gonna puke, someone help me..
A silent scream.
Memory loss.

The things we do to be loved.

Choosing to live drowning in lies rather than standing alone.

Empty promises of a dream life that seems too good to be true.

But the hope that it might actually happen is stronger than facing reality.

Because it can happen... right?

Love fools the brain so easily.

It's no challenge tricking someone in love.

Like puppets we follow every lead, believing everything that's fed to us.

Just to get to that wonderful life, living happily every after.

A time that will never come.

The leader is now bored.

Suddenly reality hits like a brick.

It's like waking up from a coma.

Only to realize all that's left is an empty shell of who we used to be.

I can see him almost every day.

From a distance, but it hurts every time.

Seeing him living a new life, while I'm stuck in our old one..

Wondering what causes him to smile,
when I'm walking away feeling my heart breaking.

My breath is heavy, my heart sinks with every step.

He sees me and I see him.

But we're just strangers now.

Like we never shared a life, never planned a future.

He's living his dream while I'm living my nightmare.

Walking through the corridors, feeling the judgemental looks burning on my skin.

To them I'm a stereotype, a girl filled with tattoos, a skinhead jacket and a fake smile.

A threat maybe?

No I can't be?
I'm laughing all the time, so no one will notice.

If they only knew..

What's hiding inside me.
A broken sensitive heart.

A trumatized girl,
who only wants to be herself,
without people looking at her differently and constantly.

Do they see the victim-stamp tattooed on my forehead?
Do they know? Can they?

This is the last night.

Legs outside the window, the sun burns like always.

Cold beer in one hand, the heat from a cigarette in the other one.

Songs about old lovers playing in the background.

This is where it all started, and ended.

A feeling of sadness, to leave it all behind.

The person I was 6 years ago, all the memories, struggles and happiness.

Yet I feel excited.

I'm ready to move on, to create new memories away from here.

Ready to let go, to allow a new lover in.

A new view, new songs and new memories.

I have a good feeling about this new place and I can't wait to see what it has in store for me.

I was forgetting you.

But no, you wouldn't let me do that this time either.

Who would you be if I forgot about your existence?

No one. You're turning desperate.

Showing up to see if you can still play me.

The answer is No.

Parasites are meant to go extinct.

I'm back home, on my mountain by the sea.
I close my eyes

I can hear the boat engines, the children laughing.
Water is splashing, the seagulls are screaming.

I feel the sun burning on my face,
and the wind cooling it off.

I open my eyes

I see all the tiny islands and the boats that looks like toys.
They're almost in a straignt line, heading for the horizon.

The sun hitting the water surface makes it look like a glittering sea.
It blinds me.
Everything does.
The beauty of my hometown.

I stand up and feel the salty wind grabbing my hair.
I breathe the fresh air,
I breathe the laughter, the peace, the ocean.
I am alive.

Can you read me enough to know?
I guess not.

I've worked too ******* this mask to let you..

This mask of strenght.

To you I'm strong, a role model even..

Truth is, I'm weak.
Behind closed doors I'm broken, too broken for life.

I need someone to save me.

Yet no one knows..

Still I hope,
for someone to see the real me.

And he hurt her over and over again.

Instead of saying Sorry, he said I love you.

She fell for it everytime.

But after awhile those words lost meaning.

His actions didn't match the words.

She started to crave something else, an apology.

An apology she never got.

That's what finally made her leave.

To live loving someone who was never sorry for breaking her.

Walking away from you on this never ending crosswalk.

You're so far away from me now but I can feel your eyes burning,
watching me as I go.

I'm trying with all my might not to look back,
afraid I'd run back into your poisoning arms.

I keep walking,
with a heavy chest.

Knowing this is it.

With the sun on my face the shadows fall behind me.

And that's where you belong,
in the shadows of the past.

"You are a beautiful couple" they said. But beauty isn't everything.
"They way you look at each other.." But those looks faded.
"The way you laugh together". But those laughs turned into tears.
"The way you love each other". But that love turned into hate.
"That spark you two have". But that spark burned out and died.
The beauty we once had turned out to be an ugly truth in disguise.

Like two yo-yo's we're taking turns on having feelings for one another.

Will we ever meet halfway?

We spin between fear and love, but never at the same time.

The midpoint is within reach.

Yet one rope is streched while the other is wrapped tight.

I hope one day our yo-yo's get tangled so we can live in balance and harmony.

And yet again he reminded her why she chose a life without him.

Deceived once again.

Lies stuck on repeat.

The thing is, she doesn't fall for it anymore.

He can feel himself getting powerless as she grows stronger.

Her tears are replaced by rage and he's desperate for her attention.

She has the power to destroy his life, anytime she can strike.

But knowing that she can is enough, life will take care of him.

She'll get over him, move on to someone better.

They both know it, that's what makes her smile and him regretting.

This time he'll be left broken and alone,

while she's happy with someone who deserves her.

That's her revenge.

Silently waiting.

For my overdose of meds to kick in.

I'm starting to relax.

Waiting for what's to come.

Hoping that it'll be over this time.

Maybe I'll finally find my freedom, my peace, in death.

This time I hope I won't wake up.

I've been a prisoner of my thoughts for too long.

The life of suffering won.

So maybe my wish comes true this time.

That it'll be over.

That I'll find peace in nothing but the fire afterwards.

Repaint my colours, I beg you.

I was like a rainbow of fresh paint.

Still wet from the brush.

Dancing on rainbow colours.

It's so much darker now.

The paint has dried.

With my eyes closed I still feel the humid air.
I hear the chaos of a city that never sleeps.

It's been two years.
A place that used to be my home, my future.
My mouth still knows the lyrics to songs in a foreign language.

So much has happened since.

As I sing I come to terms that I'm at peace.
I no longer wish for a life that could've been.

I'm here. I'm safe. I'm happy.

The question marks are gone.
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

We were in our own world yet surrounded by others laughing and talking at the pub.

But they weren't there. We could only see each other.

His deadly combination of green eyes and a playful smile started something in me.

Laughing in each others arms led to that first kiss we both had been longing for.

It was magic and chemistry, it was butterflies and freedom.

Even now, a hundred kisses later it isn't enough.

It'll never be enough.

It feels like I've found the missing piece in my life.

Like the one I've been searching for is found.

In his shirt that smells like him I watch the sky.

I daydream about how this love story will play out.

Knowing that he's falling too, I'm sure it will be beautiful.