A love letter written for you by my hands filled with band-aids and dried blood from all the paper cuts

An emotionally orphan.

Thrown away like garbage.

Like our blood ties are cut off.

By the scissors of regret.

I heard death calling for me as I layed there in the hospital bed.

His voice came closer, and I could feel his cold breath on my face.

He tried to convince me to give in to him.

I wanted to go, that was my goal.

But something inside me told me it's not my time yet.

I fought back and somehow I'm still alive.

Watching people go on with their lives,
not knowing that today I planned to be dead.

Beer cans all over the place.

Sad songs in the background, to provoke me.

To help me feel.

Please help me feel..

Picking my words carefully on the field of eggshells.

Knowing that if I told you the truth you'd leave.

Like so many times before..

My struggles are seperating us.

Leaving me walking on the ground cracking with every step.

A faked laugh is worth your smile.

A proud hug that I cannot live up to.

With a heavy heart I know I've failed you..

I am afraid.

My inner demons are taking control like never before.

I feel how the darkness makes me rot from inside.

The stench from my walking corpse.

I am so afraid.

I feel how they're winning the last battle.

The person I was is dying, beyond saving.

There's no turning back, I'm a living dead.

Silently waiting.

For my overdose of meds to kick in.

I'm starting to relax.

Waiting for what's to come.

Hoping that it'll be over this time.

Maybe I'll finally find my freedom, my peace, in death.

This time I hope I won't wake up.

I've been a prisoner of my thoughts for too long.

The life of suffering won.

So maybe my wish comes true this time.

That it'll be over.

That I'll find peace in nothing but the fire afterwards.

The burning feeling in my stomach calms me.

I don't even mind.

You have been my friend for years.

Feeling myself starving makes me feel alive.

The crawling under my skin. Too familliar.

I'm in control of my destiny, or am I?

My body is disappering and I don't care.

Do I live or die? It's up to me.

My old friend. I haven't seen you in awhile.

All the years we've spent together, makes me feel close to you once again.

Do we go down together this time?

I don't care as long as you're with me.

You're the only one who never leaves.

With you by my side I'd do anything.

Even destroying myself in the process.

Please set me free..

From my painful past.

From the dreams that'll never become reality.

From the hopes that he'll come back to me.

I no longer want to be a slave to a love that has ended.

Please, let me let go.

Up on the hill we were watching the city beneath  us.

A city in constant movement, completely unaware of our existence.

We felt like the world was ours to take.

Oh, the plans we made for the city of lights..

That night we promised each other forever.

Wearing your way too big hoodie I gently kissed your forehead.

Hoping the night would never end.

For once the sky was clear, I saw a shooting star and made a wish.

That our forever was real.

With you laying in my arms watching the stars,
talking about how we waved at ourselves from a parallell universe I thought it was.

But sometimes love isn't enough.

One small sign was all it took.

I'm back where I started.

With false hopes that he still cares.

Maybe he hasn't let me go either?

Painting pictures in my head that I know he'll burn without hesitation.

Once again I'll be watching my dreams with him turn into ashes.

Like a gentle summer breeze he is touching my face.

So soft and warm.

Playing with my hair and kissing my skin.

I breathe him in, a hint of coconut.

He's everywhere, my summer air.

Even through the coldest nights he comforts me.

To remind me.

He's always there.

My heart is playing tricks.

The butterflies were going one direction.

Only to be caught up in a storm.

And now they're flying all over the place.

I guess that's the beauty of it all.

Not knowing which way the wind will take them.

A blank new page.

Staring, wondering.

What should my next chapter be?

Where do I go from here?

The blank pages have no answers.

The pencil is trembling in my hand.

I take a deep breath as I write

Now live.

It feels like yesterday.

How we stood in our window, smoking cigarettes

Listening to our song, with the sun on our faces

Laughing, kissing

Talking about our future with hope in our eyes

Looking at each other with butterflies in our stomachs

Now those plans are gone, just like you

Our song is no longer our song

The sun is replaced with clouds

Our laughter is replaced with silence and tears

The butterflies are gone

All there's left are grief and the question why?

Still I cry

Remembering everything

Preventing myself from moving on

No matter how far I've come,
how much time has passed

It's still there, like a fresh wound

Every day is a battle against the past

I'm a prisoner of our memories

When I look into his eyes I see the eyes of the devil staring back at me.

But they're not his.
Just a reflection of the past.

I went from dirt to a queen.

Can I be a queen covered in mud?

My mind is empty, passive, yet filled with chaos from the past.

Afraid to feel again, to give in.

Scared this is another trap.

What can I give him that no one else can? Why me?

Is there another hidden agenda?

I can't resist his words, yet they scare me to death.

It's like a love song I wanna play on repeat,
but still wishing that the record would break.

Before I do.

There we were.

Standing by the lake,
me with your jacket on my shoulders shaking from the cold.

Holding the rose you made out of a napkin in my hand.

You were laughing in embarrassment when you handed it to me.

And I knew in that moment.
You had me.

You put a spell on me.

You released the butterflies.

In a few hours I'll be standing face to face with him for the first time.

The boy with the dangerous brown eyes..

The boy who wants to be by my side although he knows I'm just scattered pieces.

There's something about him.

He's slowly melting my heart.

I can feel the butterflies frozen in ice starting to move again.

Such a wierd, scary feeling that I can't stop.

I feel myself giving in,
though I promised myself I wouldn't.

Oh what a dangerous boy..

Walking through the corridors, feeling the judgemental looks burning on my skin.

To them I'm a stereotype, a girl filled with tattoos, a skinhead jacket and a fake smile.

A threat maybe?

No I can't be?
I'm laughing all the time, so no one will notice.

If they only knew..

What's hiding inside me.
A broken sensitive heart.

A trumatized girl,
who only wants to be herself,
without people looking at her differently and constantly.

Do they see the victim-stamp tattooed on my forehead?
Do they know? Can they?

I am changing.
I'm not greatful nor have I gained wisdom from what happened to me.
But I am tougher, my barrier is stronger.
I know who I am, and I'm no longer afraid.
No more ******* and lies.
I see through it all.
So take your best shot, I dare you.

I can see him almost every day.

From a distance, but it hurts every time.

Seeing him living a new life, while I'm stuck in our old one..

Wondering what causes him to smile,
when I'm walking away feeling my heart breaking.

My breath is heavy, my heart sinks with every step.

He sees me and I see him.

But we're just strangers now.

Like we never shared a life, never planned a future.

He's living his dream while I'm living my nightmare.

You made me love you.

Then you made me hate myself for it.

I'm back at the place I've been scared of going to since last summer.

The day I felt so happy I didn't care if I died.

When I was watching the sea and the boats, and the sun was burning my face.

Everything still looks the same today.

Except I'm alone..

The rain is falling on my face.

I feel the drops on my face, soaking me,
but I don't mind.

The memories from last year feels fresh, like your presence is still here.

I can see it like a movie playing.

How you're sitting next to me drawing,
I hear your laughter and I'm watching you smile in peace.

We both felt like life was perfect, complete.

But that was then..

Now this place is all mine again, you'll never spend another day here with me .

The memory of you keeps fading.

It made me cry in silence..

My tears mixed with the rain as I'm slowly trying to let you go.

Game over.

A few months ago,
he said that even though we're over we'll always belong together.

That it'd never be over between us..

I felt comfort in that sadness somehow.

Knowing that he'd always be there.

Hoping that one day we'd find our way back.
Cause it was meant to be, right?

But I could feel it in my whole body last time.

I won't hear from him again.

He let me go..

The memory of his smile is fading, I can't remember his voice anymore.

I never thought it would end like this.

Someone I used to stay up all night laughing with. Gone.

He gave up on me so many times but this time it was final.

I mean nothing. And yet he means everything.

This heartache is slowly killing me.

I can't do it anymore, I want to give up.

The pressure of having to be good enough..

..is a heavy burden.

Need get be better, accomplish.

The constant search for perfection.

But what am I searching for?

Me?

Lost in my mind once again.

The past comes back to haunt me.

To remind me, preventing me from forgetting.

I've felt enough pain.

Where's my peace? Still searching.

I need to breathe, I'm suffocating.

I hear the familiar screams inside.

The burning in my lungs.

Please let me be.

I need a place for my head.

Another way to feel alive.

I still remember the first time I heard your voice.

16 years ago you blew me away.

Your words spoke to me.

One of my dearest memories..

I'll never forget it.

I fell in love with your words.

Every day you kept me going, kept me alive.

When I lost hope you were there.

And now you're gone.

No more words. Only grief.

Another star burned out.

A piece of me died with you..

Now you're frozen in time.

I want to tell you I like you, how my heart beats for you.

How it skips a beat everytime I see you.

But I won't.

Afraid I might lose you.

I know you like me too.

How you smile when you see me.

The hugs that are a little too long.

The connection we have is obvious.

Together we shine.

Yet we do nothing.

I'll keep loving you in secret.

Hoping one day we'll end up together.

A heart once filled with so much love..

Now grey, slowly turning into stone.

Love is fading, it's getting hard to feel.

A heart so tired it's shutting down.

With every beat it gets colder.

Another heart lost to the dark.

No more wasted love.

You put the words in my mouth when i couldn't speak.

You knew how i felt before i did..

You helped me through the worst times of my life, and you were always by my side.

Just hearing your voice sorted out the chaos in my mind.

You were there, a never-ending comfort, no matter how broken i felt..

You were my calm in the hurricane.

Your voice guided me, through all struggles.

That voice is now gone.

Forever recorded, but now gone.

But what about the future?

Who's gonna be there?

No one can ever replace you.

For 16 years you've been my best friend.

I'll keep your memory alive.

Rip Chester Bennington.

I wanted you to be like me.

You wanted me to be you.

It worked for awhile.

But we found our way back..

To the ones we actually are.

That's when it crashed.

Our worlds collided.

It didn't match.

We grew apart again.

But for a brief moment, we were something.

We were glorious.

It's been a year.

Since I lost myself.

To be with him.

To start the journey through hell.

If only I knew then what I know now.

I would never had said yes.

I can see the ghost of myself, laughing happily,
through the mirror of regret.

Here I am, destroyed. Devastated. Lost.

I wish I knew what I signed up for.

The worst year of my life.

If only I knew..

My goal for this summer.

I'll take my places back.

The places I showed him.

They were mine first and I'll make them mine again.

Create new memories without him.

With my friends, cause they'll remember with me.

I won't be afraid, I will take my places back.

Even if it hurts the first times, they'll be mine again.

Cause it's my goal this summer.

I don't want you in my head anymore.

It's over, nothing left to say.

I guess a year of sorrow and neglect changed me.

I can't remember a day without anxiety anymore.

I see people laughing and I can't remember what it's like.

To laugh with your whole body and soul.

Meeting you destroyed my life, to the point where I can't even see it as a wisdom.

I know who I am but i don't feel it.
I am disconnected from myself.

Anything to escape the pain.

I don't know how much longer I can take.

I thought writing about you would set me free, but it didn't.

And you weren't worth it, you weren't worth any of it.

I tried to help you find yourself but I lost me.

Can I ever find myself again or is that battle lost too?

I can still feel your lips on me.

From a time when i thought they were mine.

But i don't think they ever were.

I can still feel you.

From a time when i thought you were mine.

But i don't think you ever were.

My innocence died with you.

That night in July last year.

The last time I believed in foolish love.

I knew from the moment I saw you..
That it was gonna hurt.

And it did.
It hurt more that I could ever imagine.

Loving you was hell, it was a thousand knives in the chest. Constantly.

How do I get them out?

I've imagined our farewell so many times,
hugs and sweet words of an impossible love.

I really thought I knew when I was going to see you for the last time,
I even planned it.

How I would walk out that door to never look back.
With my head held high, the feeling of relief, freedom.

Little did I know that it already happened, and I missed my que.

Instead of my moment of glory I walked out in anger, with my last words still saved.

The big moment I've been waiting for..

Gone.

It was nothing like I imagined.

No doves flied off the ground, no cheering crowd, the skies didn't clear for me.
Nothing.

It was a night drowning in alcohol and emptiness, it was our song.
It was grief.

That's what it was.

But i was the one writing the final chapter about us. I gave us closure.

Now it's time to close the book, to put it on the shelf of memories.

And yet again he reminded her why she chose a life without him.

Deceived once again.

Lies stuck on repeat.

The thing is, she doesn't fall for it anymore.

He can feel himself getting powerless as she grows stronger.

Her tears are replaced by rage and he's desperate for her attention.

She has the power to destroy his life, anytime she can strike.

But knowing that she can is enough, life will take care of him.

She'll get over him, move on to someone better.

They both know it, that's what makes her smile and him regretting.

This time he'll be left broken and alone,

while she's happy with someone who deserves her.

That's her revenge.

...had to face the person that you have to act strong in front of, but makes you break inside?

The love you cant't let go of but doesn't care about you anymore?

The person who makes you cry yourself to sleep every night?

The person who once made you feel invinsible but now makes you doubt your whole existence?

The one who made you feel so safe but left you scared of facing the world alone?

The person who gave up on you more times than you can count but you still didn't give up?

The one who left you devastated, waiting for apology you never got?

The person who made you feel stupid for ever loving them, cause they just used you.

If you ever had to face this challenge, I'm proud of you.
It takes a lot of strenght and courage.
It breaks you, just to build you.

The things we do to be loved.

Choosing to live drowning in lies rather than standing alone.

Empty promises of a dream life that seems too good to be true.

But the hope that it might actually happen is stronger than facing reality.

Because it can happen... right?

Love fools the brain so easily.

It's no challenge tricking someone in love.

Like puppets we follow every lead, believing everything that's fed to us.

Just to get to that wonderful life, living happily every after.

A time that will never come.

The leader is now bored.

Suddenly reality hits like a brick.

It's like waking up from a coma.

Only to realize all that's left is an empty shell of who we used to be.

Leech.

You're not welcome here anymore.

Time to find a new victim.

This one is drained.

The years of being constantly knocked down are forever gone.

No more heart on her sleeve and clenched fists.

The suffocated voice inside her has grown strong.

She speaks louder than ever, and no one dares to go against her.

The fear in her eyes is replaced by vengance.

A fierce, unpredictable rebel is born.

Heading for war.

She's now ready for anything and anyone.

The most beautiful, savage beast anyone has ever laid eyes on.

With fire in her eyes, purple lipstick and Dr. Martens she is now waiting.

To watch her enemies crumble beneath her feet.

And she breaks into that lethal smile of hers that only she possesses.

Hitman.

One target, my heart.

First try. Bang. Perfect shot.

You walked away with your head held high.

I was left bleeding out on the ground.

You're so shy and careful around me.

But by the way your eyes are filled with fire when you look at me,

it feels like you've already kissed me.

They say home is where the heart is.

But where is my heart?
I can't remember where I left it.

Retracing my steps, constantly searching.

I need to find my heart.

I want to feel home again.

Everytime I saw a shooting star I used to make a wish.

None of my wishes came true,
my dearest wishes..

I no longer believe in shooting stars,
they've failed me too many times.

Maybe there's another way to make them come true?
The answer is within me, and I will find it.

Stuck on a train heading for destruction.

I missed all the stops, I can't get off.

My feet won't move.

The crash is closing in.

I accept my fate, my endi..

Not knowing the future is what's keeping the dreams alive.