How alive I feel.
There's only me.

Me,
watching the stars as the moonlight guides my way.
Everything is quiet, all I hear are my own footsteps.

I feel free,
no one knows where I am or where I'm going.
In the daylight I'm lost, but at night I'm home.

I'm absorbed by the dark,
but I know where to go,
I know who I am.

This is where I belong.
How alive I feel when I'm alone in the world.

So much laughter, anger and secrets are hidden in my walls.
From a time that is no more.

I can still hear them sometimes, like a tape playing.
Taking me back in time.

So much love, anxiety and tears engraved in my pillow.
From a time that is no more.

I can still feel it sometimes, when I'm in a confused moment thinking you're right beside me.

So many smiles, hugs and stolen kisses my mirror has witnessed.
From a time that is no more.

I can still picture it sometimes, but the face staring back at me is filled with pain.
Swollen, from the tears that won't stop falling.

Which mask should I wear today?
No one can handle seeing the bare, naked me,
so I created a closet filled with masks.
One for every mood expected of me.
So which one is it?
The happy, loving one?
The sad one?
The supporting one?
The angry one?

Please don't catch me off guard. I want to keep you.

As I looked at the ring you gave me last year I noticed all the marks and scratches on it.
From memories we had together, good and bad.
I know yours has them too.

I still remember the day you gave it to me and how happy I was then. But now it's  just a piece of silver.

I wore it with pride, now it was for the last time.
Sitting by the ocean and I didn't feel it anymore. I didn't feel connected to you.
It was just sad memories tied to that ring left.
I was sitting there, thinking, remembering, listening to our song one last time and then I threw it.

Into the water. Never to see it again.
Closure, a goodbye, to the one I once was, to you, to the ones we were back then.

I thought I was over you.

I've been through all the stages.

And yet here you are, still in my mind.

Another process.

Of accepting that I'll never get over you.

If you don't know how to give love to your child, don't be a mum.

If you don't know how to support your child emotionally, don't be a mum.

If you don't know how to show empathy, don't be a mum.

If you don't know how to point your child in the right direction, don't be a mum.

If you don't know how to be a mum, don't be a mum.

And he hurt her over and over again.

Instead of saying Sorry, he said I love you.

She fell for it everytime.

But after awhile those words lost meaning.

His actions didn't match the words.

She started to crave something else, an apology.

An apology she never got.

That's what finally made her leave.

To live loving someone who was never sorry for breaking her.

Walking away from you on this never ending crosswalk.

You're so far away from me now but I can feel your eyes burning,
watching me as I go.

I'm trying with all my might not to look back,
afraid I'd run back into your poisoning arms.

I keep walking,
with a heavy chest.

Knowing this is it.

With the sun on my face the shadows fall behind me.

And that's where you belong,
in the shadows of the past.

I did everything for you.

I even sacrificed myself.

It didn't mean anything to you.

Nothing was good enough.

You left. And you took me with you.

It all starts today. I'm now 27.
It's my new beginning, my new year.

The person who hurt me the most doesn't know the 27 year old me.
The person who ***** me doesn't know this version of me either.

It's like I've been cleansed. I can start again.
Better things are ahead.
I feel it in my bones.
I'm stronger than ever and
I have a new person in my life.

Life at 27 will be mine, and only mine.
I'm washing away the sadness from the past,
taking a deep breath and feel new life inside me.
I can't wait to explore the new me.

I'm a walking disaster.

Every now and then I find something great,
but as soon as I come close it turns into darkness.
It's my curse.

Always searching for the light.
But I can only watch it from afar.
Everytime I try to get close my darkness is killing the light.
I want to be there, in the middle of the light, but I can't.
So I stay far away, watching, dreaming, of another life.
Where I can be the light.

You. Stable, like a tree.

Me. Chaos, all over the place.

Can I set my roots with you?

Can you handle my turmoil?

Can I be the hurricane to your tree?

Will you still stand tall?

Or will you fall,
like I did?

The first  shy conversation, afraid to make eye contact for too long.

The first coffee, staring down our mugs with a smile.

The first road trip with laughter and jokes in the car.

The first meal together, where we acted too polite.

The first horror series marathon, your hand almost touched mine.

You asked if I was scared, I said no even though I was.

The almost kiss in the car outside my house.
We both wanted it but too scared to make the move.

The first falling alseep with a smile on my face because of you.

There's a storm inside of me.
One I can't control.
And suddenly there you were.
Are you the one I've been looking for?
Can you ride the storm with me?
The hope for love left me a long time ago.
So can I? Can we?

One step, deep breaths.
Two steps, body starts to shake.
Three steps, getting tense.
Four steps, legs are heavy.
Five steps, getting dizzy.
Six steps, can't feel my hands.
Seven steps, breath gets shorter.
Eight steps, pulse is rising.
Nine steps, I feel sick.
Ten steps, can't feel the ground.

Footsteps!
I feel someone coming up behind me.
The scent of a man.
Fear, panic, everything happens fast.
I can't breathe! I want to run but my legs won't work.
Losing touch with reality. I'm gonna faint, I'm gonna puke, someone help me..
A silent scream.
Memory loss.

I don't want you to leave,
but I don't want you to stay.

I don't want to see your face,
but I can't stand a life without it.

I don't want you close,
but I want your smell.

I don't want you to touch me,
but all I want is for you to hold me tight.

I left my heart of glass in your hands,
trusting you would keep it safe.

You dropped it on purpose.

I'm now picking up the broken pieces,
cutting myself on some.

The best memories have the sharpest edges.

But I'll glue it back into one piece
with my bruised hands.

The cracks will only show how much I once loved.

Every day you're on my mind.
Cause you were one of a kind.

We found each other in the dark.
That day at the park.

But I want to forget.
Now you're just another regret.

It's all in the past.
We knew it wouldn't last.

Time flies,
as our love dies.

I thought the first night was gonna be the last.

Now I wish it was.

We could have left our hopes and dreams there and then.

Instead we had to see them shatter in front of our eyes.

I will see you again soon.
And my heart sinks when I think about it.
Cause I know it will be the last time I see you, and you don't know. That will be the day I'm leaving the thing we called us behind for good.
I can already feel how heavy my steps are gonna be when I walk away from you for the last time.
Never to look back or return.

I know you don't care, but I do.
And another piece of my heart is going to die that day.
I am going to leave all the broken pieces behind, they're gonna follow me like a trail on my way home.
But I'm gonna leave them there. Scattered on the road, to never pick up again.
They will fade as people walk all over them daily not knowing. And with time it will all be lost.
The pain, broken pieces and the bad memories. YOU.

I'm back home, on my mountain by the sea.
I close my eyes

I can hear the boat engines, the children laughing.
Water is splashing, the seagulls are screaming.

I feel the sun burning on my face,
and the wind cooling it off.

I open my eyes

I see all the tiny islands and the boats that looks like toys.
They're almost in a straignt line, heading for the horizon.

The sun hitting the water surface makes it look like a glittering sea.
It blinds me.
Everything does.
The beauty of my hometown.

I stand up and feel the salty wind grabbing my hair.
I breathe the fresh air,
I breathe the laughter, the peace, the ocean.
I am alive.

You in a prison cell they put you in.

Me in my mental prison, that you created.

Your freedom taken away by force.

Mine taken away from you.

It's been officially over for months but everytime we see each other it's like nothing's happened.

Last time I saw you you said you wanted to kiss me and I said I wouldn't mind..

I knew it was stupid, that I'd spend the day after crying.
I told you I wouldn't but I lied..
And I cried.
I know you're not my home anymore but as soon as your lips touch mine I feel home again.
I wanted to live in that lie, if only for one more night.
Everytime I tell myself it's the last time but my knees still get weak when I see you, and I give in.

I'm caught in the waves of suffocation, but I'll learn how to surf on them to catch the fresh air of freedom again.

Anxiety
The sound of lighting a cigarette
Inhale, a feeling of relief
Exhale, the thoughts of you.

With your hand in mine I told you how afraid I was, that some day in the future I'll be alone thinking back to this perfect day. You looked into my eyes with love and told me not to worry because that would never happen. We were always gonna be a couple, remembering this day together. And then you kissed me.

It's almost been a year since that day, and my fear came true. Here I am remembering by myself.
That perfect day in the park..
The songs you showed me, the smoke from your cigarette, the sun on our faces, the lake view, the talk about our future together, laying in the grass, watching the green leaves on the tree above us, you taught me about the colour changes in the leaves depending on the reflection from the sun, your head in my lap, how I touched every bit of your face trying to memorize exactly how it felt.
It was one of the happiest days of my life, I felt at peace and everything was perfect. I tried to **** it all in, tried to remember everything because I knew soon it'll only be a memory.

A memory from a life that I wanted to live forever. But my fear came true.

We were each other's everything. We were gonna take on the world together, fight all battles side by side.
And now we are just strangers with some memories. Isn't it strange?

I still dream about you almost every night.
Happy dreams, and I wake up missing you.
When those turn into nightmares,
when I wake up happy that it was only a dream,
that's when I know I'm over you.

I was like a puzzle to you. You scattered the pieces, removed some important ones for me to never find again. I could no longer put it back together the way it once was.
But don't worry, I'll find better pieces. I'll make a new original, a better, more beautiful one where no pieces can be lost again.

"You are a beautiful couple" they said. But beauty isn't everything.
"They way you look at each other.." But those looks faded.
"The way you laugh together". But those laughs turned into tears.
"The way you love each other". But that love turned into hate.
"That spark you two have". But that spark burned out and died.
The beauty we once had turned out to be an ugly truth in disguise.

Either you're the brightest star and I'm the one not shining as much, always living in the shadow of you. Or I'm the brighter one and you're so far away you're not even showing on the night sky.

Your hands on my body, that I tried to push away..

Your lips on my skin, where I didn't want them..

My back against the wall, where I couldn't break free..

My hands trying to get you off me, when you wanted my clothes off..

My pleads of No, meant nothing.

My body shaking, wishing that I didn't exist..

Your weight on me, another suffocation..

The words no longer could leave my lips, my body wasn't mine anymore..

The running, crying in panic with no shoes is the last I remember..

I remember it like it was yesterday, wait..

it was.

I thought you were my friend..

There's only ashes left from the fire you once started in me