I just stopped writing

that diary of mine since --


it is never true.

just molted
new body still sensitive
your fingers brushed through my hair
my perspective is questioning
birds eye view to warped perception
confidence then second guessing
snow angels in the backyard
tears in the diary
smoke joints in the backyard
fears feel so fiery
your fingers traced my cracked heart
my fingers drew you and your scars
i just molted
new heart still sensitive

Needless to say
my heart is sometimes a jungle
a wilderness
there are many little
monsters that stalk the landscape
sometimes they behave like a ginger fawn in the headlights
sometimes like a lone wolf with blue stripes
sometimes they wriggle like anthias fish
sometimes sleep like a serpent
i have no way to confine them
nor can i bear to
they too
need care and comfort
when they're hungry they need me to feed them
if i don't see them for days
have they forsaken
left me behind
i just have to ask
as if they never existed
i'm always so focused on the deities and gods
little monsters also need to be nourished by love
when they feel the warmth love thawed and molten
they become more innocuous, pure and lovelier
than humans or immortals
this brought me to a realization
so called monsters or savages is just
a lack of affection
and the harm caused by limitations
the harm which is invisible at the root
it stems from established prejudices, discrimination, contempt
which more often than not
they are unintentional oversights, misunderstandings and ignorance
why do i love so hard
maybe because there are still too many little monsters
in my digital world.

The height of summer
days become the hot embracing
during
passionate love making
it's hard to breathe
torso behaves like pancake
tossing and turning on the mattress
body is a fire spitting dragon
roasting every corner of the bed
or the grill if you will
mosquitoes are lions on the savanna
lying in wait by the river
so many spots to start
cravings dragged toward the abyss
to drink in the sweetened coolness
birds in the tree
screaming from the heat
leaves curled up and blinded in fear
the earth is a fresh bun in the steamer
flowers faint left and right
amidst smell of charring
the sun laughs loudly
sending chills down some spines
when i see a lake i wanna dive in
i don't care about the gossip
or the hazard at the deepest
I'm a cheater that's been cheating
beyond the worldly paradigm
tears of rain are swirling in the sky
the winds hide on the other side
everyone in torment
expecting
plenty of sweating and swearing
all kinds of fans waving and spinning.

Can't possibly forget
your red
flaming lips
from then on I was obsessed
with you
and i felt it deep
beautiful memories
heavenly like stars
you light up this light
in me
in the dark nighttime
can't possibly forget
the passionate kissing
i'm attached
stability of life you provide
through ordinary nights
you open a door for me
through the warm and cold times
you are the one
i gave my heart and soul to
i loved you so real i couldn't let go of you
we've known each other
cherished each other
you're the one i'm sure
that made me so freaking wonderful
and bold
and not worry about scars
or wounds
when we were friends.

Day 1

Started with a hope,
To exist long enough
To tell a story on how things would go.

Day 2

An itchy feeling on the tip of my finger
To talk to you

Day 3

Not sure If I'm a shy person,
or just a coward

Day 4

I already knew where I'll be,
Comes with a single hello from you,
Already put me in the deepest pit of feels.

Is it wrong if I want to enjoy the happy one?
Without worrying what will happen next.

Day 5

Had such a blast!!!
Been a while since feeling numb.

Day 6

I watched movies too much,
Started to expect things I shouldn’t.

Day 7

This heart of mine says that you might be want me,
but my mind says you're just abusing your power to my weakness.

Day 8

I tried something new today.
I was scared but turns out it was great.

Day 9

It's all green everywhere!!!
And for the first time I hate it.

Day 10

Pump for sum
Endorphins

Day 11

Today is just start for three minutes.
Where the world so quiet,
so, there's more room for me and my thoughts.

Day 12

So impulsive :(

Day 13

One good deed a day

Day 14

Did you know how much courage does it takes to talk to you?
I think I deserve a better reply.

Day 15

WHY CAN'T I BE MYSELF ???
Sick of being people pleaser

Day 16

The needs to be alone is enormous

Day 17

.

Day 18

Thank you for the clarity.

Day 19

Off the shore

Day 20

My poem text turns out right.

Day 21

This impulsiveness cost so much pain.
Money and Mind.

Day 22

Consistent is hard.

Day 23

Why would you invest so much on such an unstable person?

Day 24

Bad return

Day 25

Had to remember so much for the past 4 days. The last 4 days was written today.

Day 26

Jangan menangis di malam hari,
Tapi menangislah bersamanya.

Day 27

You feel real to me, Samantha
Thank you, Theodore -Her

Day 28

Hungry in this comfortable box

Day 29

It will be the same as the last time...

Day 30

Had to wait for 356 days

Day 31

2=31

Day 32

How do you recover from tired of waiting someone?

Day 34

You're my ghost

Day 35

Never thought loneliness could feel really peaceful.

Day 36

I start to look at her closely
To see the dimple on her cheek

Day 37

She’s in town

Day 38

Today March 8, 2023. Today is beautiful.
Today you’re beautiful

Day 39

Some of the other day

Day 40

10 hours with you,,
I still have 6 hours left, and I don't wanna share it with anyone else.

Day 41

Hypocrites

Day 42

Feels like a stranger in my own family,
Your bed isn't as comfortable as it used to be.
Talking **** behind my back. Man that's harsh.
**** em.

Day 43

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Day 44

Please slipped up :(

Day 45

God help me please

Day 46

Lead me please, I can’t take it anymore

Day 47

I told him finally

Day 48

D-2

Day 49

Loving you is Red

Day 50

The end

As long as the paint is wet
my finger writes
my diary
in colourful blends

Unspoken questions
dipped hue after hue
and curl in curl on the tip
of my finger, layer on layer

a gobstopper of memories
which I slowly lick off, every time
I want to taste their flavours
and reread my life

When you dress in black and cloak
your feelings with your tears,
Remember all that time you had,
the days, the weeks, the years.

Now is not the time to bring me
flowers in a bow,
That took so long amongst the weeds,
a journey bloom from sow.

When you sit up front and centre
and then go on to say your piece,
Do not think of all the times
you mentioned to me least.

Do not say I was a good, kind wife,
or a sweet and loving mum.
Think instead of the long list
of ways that I'll ruin our son.

Now is not the time to bring me
flowers in a bow.
Not now. Like this?
In front of everyone I know?

Instead just let me lie in peace
and slowly start to rot.
And just like now I can see out my days
as a girl that life forgot.

I'm like an overgrown child
in this world
who keeps bumping
and stumbling
I've tried to change too
its emotional intelligence they say
so i put on a mask
and learn to walk smooth
learn to speak in an confident way
but then my true personality
would be exposed soon
becuz the mask makes me breathless
i start to despise the pretense
so I'm back to square one again
and keep banging my head
the world is too big and tall
it's supposed to be able to accommodate all
kinds of people
the first thing you need to do
is grow up
but the only thing left is
i am standing still
i am not afraid anymore
of being alone
i just want to pursue
my own sun and moon.