And just like that
I am back to being everything that he wanted
Except for the fact
I am not with him
He does not get to see
This better version of me
Mature and clean
Because he had his chance
And didn't see
All of my potential
To get out of my dark space
And be in a happy place
With him
So I found
Someone without any doubts
About me
Who cares and loves
More than he ever does
And just like that
I am back to being loved
By someone thats not just mean

It's so complicated to explain
We went from love to fun to pain
And found new people to love
But yours didn't fit like a glove
Mine is going strong
But yours is going wrong
She doesn't want you anymore
You don't know what for
I feel bad, I really do
There's always been something different about you
I know you like the back of my hand
I lay in bed listening to your favorite band

Reminiscing

We thought we had it all together
But I found someone for the better
You remind me of all we used to do
Like making out in dressing rooms
God we were so young and naive
But still we don't know what we need
The comfort of talking, warm like a fire
I imaged more than this eight years prior

The shattered gray and foamy waves take over my field of green

I see everything you want in the reflection of me

I hear the electricity fade
The room is lit with the TVs black haze
My body in your arms is no game
But now I'm all you want to play

People don't really ever change
They stay the same
They have one home they go back too
One smell that brings them back when they close their eyes
There's always one lover they remember more than others
Always that one home cooked meal that they crave
One person they long to see after years apart
There's one gravestone they will fix the crooked flowers of
One old friend they wish they hadn't lost track of over time

There is always the same roots to one tree even if the branches fall off
People don't really ever change

I feel like I am never good enough.
or is it that everyone else expects too much?
I am not perfect.
I am flawed like they are,
and I accept that they are ignorant
of their rude and judgemental ways,
because I am assuming that deep down,
they might feel the same.

He grabs my leg and pulls it over him, his hair falls in my face
I wrap my arms around him, tightening our embrace
I cannot get enough of him, he knows my body like his own
With only his fingertips, he never fails to summon my moan
Then we relax, watch Netflix and get food
My parents may tell me Satan's bad, but today he did good

You keep lighting up my screen
But Im always leaving you on seen
I got games to play and things to do
I'm really not thinkin much bout you
I am busy, I got homies
You just ain't my one and only

you should send your love elsewhere
the person you love does not care

When you ask to be friends
I try and simply explain
That after tasting Bluefin tuna
How could I settle for a McDonald's fish fillet?

Your chin rested on my head
I could tell you closed your eyes
Maybe took in the scent of my shampoo

There are days I can't stop thinking about you

I had a talk with myself in the shower
It was a long overdue conversation
The suds of the shampoo blurred my vision
And they seemed to cloud my thoughts too
If he came back would you be strong?
Would you hold your hard-earned place?
Or would you break down like a house of cards?
Shattering your emotions like a China vase?
I would be the independent girl I am getting to know
The girl I see clearer in the mirror everyday
The one that would tell him to leave me alone and go his own way
He had his chance now I'm taken
By someone who loves me for everything
Who sees my flaws and embraces them
Not notices and demeans them
I am taken by myself.
A better long awaited self.
I turned the water off and stepped out,
Cleansed in more ways than one.

I sat unbuckled sipping my drink looking at him
Taking in his features as the street lights go dim

His floppy blonde hair and straight white teeth
I liked what I saw, but I want what's underneath

The thoughtful comment about having a good night
A random call because I'm crossing his mind

In reality it will be over soon because school will end
We will move away and on to a new more-than-friend

I'll get a job and he will chase a dream
The only time I'll see him is when I daydream

I'll call once in a while to hear his voice
Making time to hangout won't be my choice

He will be busy with new people and video games
I'll be distracted working learning my clients names

It hasn't yet ended, but I feel the shadow of fate above
I don't want to like him, let alone start to love

Yet, I know the latter will happen only from afar
When I'm old and famous I'll write of him in my memoir

Once my kids are asking me for stories about boys
I'll slip into memories and their voices will become white noise

Thinking back to the night I sat and stared at him
All while knowing I was drowning trying to swim

As I sat unbuckled sipping my drink
I wished I had sipped enough not to think

Dreams are draining
Thoughts venting out
Yesterday's memories are straining
in my clouded mind
to keep remaining
My opinions evaporating
tongue steaming
to catch the words slipping
out of my brain  
into oblivion

why do I
feel like there is nothing for me
never any happy days
or acceptance or praise
just the heavy burden of feeling imperfect
and failing to please a stranger
the stranger being society
and its impossible to reach standards

Nose below the water
Steam clouds my view
Before my eyes
my hands find you

I remember standing at the end of the bed
Feeling safe and sound
Not a noise in the house
You pulled me in to your arms
We stood there still but strong
How did everything go so wrong

There's no words to describe the feeling of you kissing my cheek
Kiss my mouth to get me started
Plant one on my cheek to be sweet
But you don't need to be sweet with me
It's all just routine

windows down
twenty over
rain pouring in
back seats are covered
world is ours
time to takeover
no more fear
happiness rediscovered

Our song comes on as you hit the gas
75 on the freeway
You're going too fast
But today you don't care
You shout the lyrics
And play with my wind tangled hair

I close my eyes
The years are filled with tears
From jokes to heartbreak
Missing you to wanting you gone
I thought you were the one
But you were a test run
Showed me what I should want
A hand to hold in pain
Eyes liking everything they see
Laughing with, but not at
Kisses on every inch of me
All of that
Is what I need
What you could not give me

You know. . .
I used to cry about you. . .
But, now I have the sudden urge to thank you.

Because if not for you, I wouldn't be curled up next to the hottest guy I've ever snuck over while my parents are out,

And I wouldn't be having the adrenaline pump through my veins while his hands mess about.

If not for you, I wouldn't be smiling from ear to ear because he mocks how badly you messed up letting me go,

And I wouldn't be in his arms while he swings me around promising to see me tomorrow.

So thank you for messing up so badly that it has allowed me to finally grasp how to live my life so happily

heart is pumping
you grab my waist
a tickle fight begins
and "just friends" end
as you tickle my lips
with your kisses