elizabeth r Mar 10
sometimes i feel alright. like maybe i never needed you, maybe your leaving was what needed to happen to me. but then i remember lying on your chest and feeling like everything was right in the world. your hands in mine and your lips on my forehead. if i listen closely, i can still hear your heart beating. that's what i miss the most, feeling like we were one. i ache to speak to you in the morning and have your laugh echo in my ears. you were my person, you were my family, the friend i called if the world was falling apart and i couldn't breathe. when you abandoned me, not only did a piece of my heart disappear, but you as my best friend went with you. a major part of my life is closed off from me now, and i have no access to it. i miss you with my entire being. my shattered heart is still in your hands, and you don't seem to have any plans on returning it to me.
Belle Mar 3
it's sick, it's fucking sick as fucking plague to wish someone succeeded at suicide but if that's how i'm feeling i can't control it you fucking made me this way
i hate you
"you don't know how happy it's made me that we're friends again."
we aren't
we aren't
we aren't friends
you think i want to be friend with you
because i'm nice and if i didn't say yes you would probably threaten to kill yourself or some shit and say what you always say.
"but you've been my reason for living."
just like when i didn't say yes you stuck your fingers into me and breathed heavily and i sat there frozen and with no emotion but i wanted to yell for help.
you ruined my recovery and continue to.
people ask why don't i tell you to go away.
i try but you keep coming back.
like the devil.
do you hear the things you say?
"i tried to kill myself."
"i tried to kill myself and I just wanted someone to talk to."
i said I'm not in the place to hear that right now.
"Fuck you Belle, all you ever do is rub it in my face."
You'll do it again.
i'm always the perpetrator.
i don't want to be friends.
stop talking to me.
i have nightmares of you strangling me and forcing me to do things with you, because this is what you once did.
asking someone to go away is never so simple when they're so obsessive.
i have had a ball and chain around both ankles for so long.
maybe i need a restraining order
elizabeth r Mar 2
i've wanted to be a mystery for as long as i can remember. my whole life, i ached for someone to wonder about me, to need to know more, to write pages of poetry about me, to feel love songs in their body when they saw me. i desired words of love and lust and wonder to describe me. i never understood what i was doing wrong, why i wasn't receiving bundles of pink, heart-shaped valentines full of adoration for me, why i couldn't seem to make anyone curious about who i was. i'd watch others only share small pieces of themselves to capture the hearts of random lovers, and i so wished to do the same. i know that, deep in my core, that's not who i am. my heart is tattooed on my sleeve, and every emotion that goes through my mind appears right across my face. i feel too much, there's no way around it. no one will ever wonder about a girl if you can easily see what she's feeling. i've tried to crush that part of myself, tried to drain my body of all the excess feelings. it refills though, like a river after a drought. the water always returns, most often in storms. the feelings rush into me and make it impossible to mute them. i've come to the conclusion that i will never be a person that a stranger on the bus sees from across the aisles and thinks about for the rest of the day. that those who want to be wanted rarely get that. that i will forever be the one who writes poetry about someone, and it will never be the other way around. it hurts, but i've realized now that no blurry, rushed words about a love for me will ever grace a page in a diary, even if that's the only thing i need.
elizabeth r Mar 1
i can't stop my mind from wandering to (you)
and the way life felt when your heart and mine (were) combined.
the car rides spent holding hands where (my) whole body fell in love with the sound of your voice singing along to the radio,
the mornings when you kissed me and suddenly everything was full of light and (sun),
the long afternoons made up of nothing (but) moments that appeared so perfect i truly believed i had to be in a poorly written rom-com where, somehow, everything ends up just as they are supposed to.

i can't stop my mind from wandering to those seemingly flawless days, days where (you) loved me and only me.
yet, with those thoughts also accompany a multitude of heartbreaking nights that forever replay in my head,
the night that you (left), the night that i couldn't breathe without you, the night i realized my life (and) yours were disconnected from this point forward,
the night i realized our love wasn't what i thought at all and my life (now) was completely changed.
the night (everything) fell to pieces and i had no one to help me put it back together.

the two sides of my heartbreak are constantly fighting for which will reign supreme in my head,
and all i want (is) to move on from this, to remove every piece of you, both bad and good, from my mind.
but each time i seem to try and rid my thoughts about you,
everything suddenly feels immensely empty and (dark).
part of me doesn't want to let you go out of fear that,
without you, there won't be anything to hold on to.
elizabeth r Feb 28
i used to picture my future with you,
but i can't imagine that at all anymore.
once upon a time,
a life with you in a tiny apartment filled with old, faded books and blankets scented with cinnamon was a dream that never left my mind.
even after you ripped my heart to shreds,
i still believed you and i were meant to be.
now, when i think about times to come,
i see myself living independently, living a strong, fulflling life without you.

and maybe it's a sign of growth that i no longer want a life with you.
i've changed more in these past agonizing months
than i ever thought was possible.
it seems that i have come to the conclusion that you weren't the right person for me, but that idea pains me to the core.

i'm trying to forgive you, in hopes that the misery will subside afterwards.
sometimes i do.
other times, forgiveness looks like the tallest mountain i've faced, and all i have to climb it is my own two feet.
forgiveness is something i will do for myself, to let my feelings for you disintegrate.
i'm constantly evolving, as are my opinions about you, and the only thing i need anymore is to find forgiveness within my body.
i don't want to rush my healing, but, god, it hurts.

i keep telling myself,
when it’s time to forgive, i’ll forgive.
when it's time to forgive, i'll forgive.

i guess it's just hard to trust my own feelings to follow the right path and let you go,
considering that it was my feelings themselves that led me to you from the start.
elizabeth r Feb 24
you never liked that one word could take me from light to dark,
a flick of a switch.
you never liked my constant questions,
my curiosity made your eyes twitch and your fingers reach for mine in hopes that i would be silent.
you never liked how i loved you,
my heart was too full of you, too much for you.
my emotions were always over the top,
you never liked that either.

i learned to mute these key parts of myself,
to only bring out the pieces you loved.
i became adjusted to feeling unwanted,
but a glimmer of hope remained in my mind that
maybe, one day, you would want all of me.
hell, at least i could try to be wanted by you.
i could try and be enough for you.
if i just put one foot in front of another, you would eventually want me, all of my flaws included.
if i could just keep going and going.

if i could just keep working to make you want me.

i wasn't myself with you- that i know for sure.
but i would've spent every moment being someone i'm not,
if it meant i could stay with you for even one more second.

i'm beginning to realize that we were flawed from the start.
elizabeth r Feb 23
you always hated classical music. in the mornings when i would play the piano, you would smile for a few seconds and move your mind away from the soft sound of it. i eventually stopped showing you the music that made me feel so alive, because you didn't seem to care. instead, my days were spent listening to your music, even though i hated it, out of hope that it would make you happy. out of hope that i would make you happy. maybe that's my flaw- i was constantly trying to add light to your days. you never concerned yourself with my happiness, never dedicated nights to making plans that might bring me joy. never tried to love music you hated to bring sun to my life. you're gone now, but i hope that, one day, when you're driving to work, claire de lune will play on the radio, and you'll think of me. the way it lit me up inside like nothing else, the way you ignored my inner radiance, the way you treated my well-being like it was something unworthy of your time, the way your selfish actions brought an end to us. i'm slowly learning that my taste in music is just as valid as yours. my feelings are forever just as valid as yours. i hope, when you hear the quiet strength of the music, a wave of regret washes over your body, and you realize that there is beauty in me you will never know again.
elizabeth r Feb 19
i handed you a gun,
so you could prove your trust to me.
but, instead,
you shot me straight through
and left me with a bloody, aching scar of you.
elizabeth r Feb 18
you said you were good,
a month after our end.
i'm unsure if you meant it
or if you were just trying to get in my head.
i want you to be better
to learn something from this.
but i also want you to miss me,
to ache for my love,
the way i ache for yours.

maybe i'm too weak,
maybe my body is overly full of
warm black tea tinged with sugar
and fuzzy, naive hopes for the world.
maybe my heart is so soft
that i cannot heal at the same rate as you.

your actions and abandonment
broke my gentle bones.
the injuries i sustained are patched up
with multi-colored bandaids.
you left me with gaping wounds,
all while i was trying to help you fix your own bruises.

you said you were good,
a month after our end.
it worsened my pain,
but i doubt you care.
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