Should I be worried about something?
I stood by the bed and everyone cried, I held his hand and felt nothing
Quite literally since my grandpa was dead
But also because there might be something wrong inside of my head
I observed the time and told the nurse who walked in the room
One week later he was in a tomb
More like a six foot box in a wall
Flowers and a name as a rememberance is all
We visit occasionally my parents and I
An empty flower vase greets us each time
I take one from Dorothy's box right next door
Her family doesn't visit her anymore
But her flowers are there everytime that we go
So I move them around, it's not like she knows
My mother cries and my father stands strong letting one or two tears hit the ground
But I stand there and read names of strangers all around
Leaving behind people like my parents who mourn and remember
And granddaughters like me who don't cry and whatever
My mom calls it being strong for the family and says I'm okay
I think she's in denial of my lack of display
But alas a tear fell in fourth grade
I recall, putting my cat down at such a young age
Made me realize that death is a gateway to nothing
But leaving behind family that struggles with living
So I just won't show it anymore I determined when we left the vet place
I walk right by death and I don't leave a trace
He could knock on my door and I'd take him by the hand
Show him the bed and where to stand
Just like I stood during my grandpa's last day
He can stare at me and wonder looking on
Is there something wrong with this human?
I find myself thinking that I know it all, but I still am left asking
Should I be worried about something? Is it okay to feel nothing?

I thought I deleted you
Actually that's not true
It's been 6 years now
That I've been messing with you
When will one of us get another
To take the place as a lover
Because we aren't in love
We just kiss each other

The smallest things
Make the biggest differences

I've always had a way with words
my tongue lets lies slide off
like ice cream drips onto the floor
causing distress
I notice it more
when I talk to my mother
her ignorance astounds me
like magic to a child
not understanding

You're in my dreams
And I skip through yours
It's the only place we exist

im not in the front of his mind
im with my best friend on a drive
we laugh and we cry

**** boys

There's notches in the wood above me
A light reflects off the window ahead of me
My speaker gets drowned out by the AC
I know I don't cross your mind when you're at that party

Is it wrong of me
To stare at my grandpa as he falls asleep
Eternally
And feel absolutely nothing
Except annoyance
At the reaction of my family
The messy tears that are rolling
I wonder why they cared so deeply
As if the world will end
With the exhalation of his last breathe
Knowing
That is not the case at all
The world will end
When we breathe our last
Individually
So I stare at my grandpa
Wondering if it is wrong of me
To feel better knowing
That it is not mine,
But his world ending

I can't let myself hurt you
I'm scared of more than friends
Whenever there's a good thing
It ends

Shut the door behind you
Lock it twice just in case
Pull out the futon mattress
Let your hands find their place
Stare at my green passion
Slide your hands up my thighs
Smile as your mouth finds mine
Flick your hair out of your eyes
Press your lips against my own
Tangle your tongue with my breathe
Take your time with me tonight
Enjoy it like you invite death

I want to write
But I don't know about what
Something about how they call me a ****
They think I sleep around and round
But my lifestyle isn't that profound
Is it right to shame me?
For exploring my sexuality?
I would say,
no
but they don't tend to hear that word

You are fading
People crowding over you
I refuse to let go of the memory
It's still there only vaguely
A wisp of your voice
your eyes
your hair
It's all barely there
I see a beautiful blonde and green mix
A voice hard to identify
But it's yours for sure
I need more
It is a desire
A mental wanting
It's all I can do
I need more of you

compulsive liar
like a faucet with water
on and off
oops
a lifetime later
didn't mean to leave on the water

drip




drip








drip

i do not feel
like everyone else
i watch tears fall
when i shed
none at all
for death or love
for good or bad
being angry or sad
i don't care
i understand
what i should be
f e e l i n g
i understand
that i should be
worried
or sad
or scared
but i am just
e x i s t i n g
and everyone around me
is depressed
i do not understand
why my brain is not sad
why my life is not too bad
and how i deserve to be
happy
while everyone else
is suffering
because they have the ability
to be
         feeeeling

Talking to you never gets easier
I fall back into fifteen
Every time your name is on my screen
The giddiness, the waiting
Waiting to see what you say
But now it's been almost ten years
What do I want to hear?
I'm not sure
Why do you tell me things aren't good with her?
At the absolutely worst timing
I have someone now
And you're not around
We're just talking

My most frequent lie
is my answer to the question
Are you alright?
I say,
I'm fine.
But I am thinking,
No!
I am losing my mind!
But you couldn't care less anyway.

Oh what I would pay
For a flashback video of every happy day
Before it all went away

people drop like flies
if i find out the truth
is actually lies

If he held me again today
I'd collapse into his being
In anger and regret
And thankfulness
Otherwise there'd be no change
He was once all of my heart and mind
Not only occupying my thoughts
Fogging them
I did not think of me
I thought of us
A fragile concept
One of the past

If he held me again today
It would be the last

You consume my thoughts
You're across the globe, for you it's 8am
I know if I stay up until 3 you'll be awake then

But why why why
Do I do this to myself
I have a man that loves me more than anything on earth
Yet I just want to hear your words
Manipulate you to go from texting to calling
Because I know the things I need to say to get you falling
I want to slip back into the old routine
Of talking and talking for hours on end
You made me laugh like I've barely laughed since
I laugh with my man but it's different with you
You know me absolutely through and through
Meeting in adolescence giving us both an advantage
A sense of vulnerability that any new person just cannot seem to reach
Hurting us both as we know we cannot keep a hold
On the people who give us all of their love
Their life
Their future

But what are we doing
Talking just talking
We know what's off limits
Not tempted not lusting
Just missing the old and wondering
If you feel the same way about us too
Do you feel a sense of why why why
Scared to death of any other feeling
To see you in person would break me?
Would it break you? Or is that what we need?
A moment alone for clarity
To stare and take in what the years have done to us both
Pulled at our skin and our hair but
Not our eyes
Not our souls

We remain the same
Twisting through the air sensing every thought
Knowing every consideration
Time would slow down
We would be patient
Waiting to see who would speak
Would we need a translation? Do you still know everything I mean?
Are you still the same person?
How has time changed our twisting souls?
You're across the globe
Away from me
Away from you
But it feels like nothing new

Just temporary distance
In between a forever affair
New people will come and go and come and go
Yet you and I will stay twisting in air
But I'll marry the man I am with
You might be in attendance
Will it **** you? Will it hurt me?
Maybe eventually
It's a neverending question
How are you? How have you been?
I ask you about her you ask me about him
We stay on the shallow end of the pool
Neither really wants to look the fool
Asking for answers on the deep end

Why why why
Do we do this every year
I stare at my ceiling all night long
One more hour and you'll be awake
But I can't wait
But I have too
He is for me, not you
Anymore
God this is hard to believe
That our souls are so intertwined you live in my dreams
And I skip through yours

No need to ask we both know it's true
And I can tell it's been eating at you
You've been busy and I've been waiting
And all these empty words we keep saying
Leading up to what we really want to know
Why me? Why you?
When will the years pass fast enough that we forget our past
When will we move on and no longer look back
Probably never

How do we tell who we love
Oh sorry I still talk to you
But not like that I promise
There's nothing amiss
Maybe we're twin flames
Spinning around getting hotter
Burned with each other's names
Forever

Not something I wanted
Or planned for
Happened today
A boy
Was decent
No physical tension
Or ****** implications
The air was light
The conversation between
Just friends
Flowed like a breeze
I cancelled my next **** appointment
That desire came to an end
Because I realized
I just want another male friend

The battery is dying out
So I leave my phone in the other room
Voices fade to mumbles as I walk out
Just the kitchen floor creaking now
The door shuts after you slip out
Take the water glass from my hand
Lean against the fridge while it fills

We should stay here for a lil
They'll never notice or care
Just you, me, and the water we'll share

I lean my elbow on the cold counter
I dent his confidence with my stare
He breaks my heart with his tongue

Well baby then I'm leaving
A kiss on the cheek is no fun
I'll see you sometime later if you want

My eyes fall as he brushes past
Carelessly hands me the water glass
It splashes on my t-shirt
I watch the drops soak in quickly
They'll dry out eventually
I go back and join the crowd
A house party no longer as loud

My heart knew all along
But my brain was saying it was all wrong
When they say trust your gut they never say which one