I never thought we would end up like this..
Tangled in each other under the sheets
As the morning rays peek out
And spill through our window
I never thought I'd feel so cold without you
When did I start missing you?
When did the thoughts of you start invading my head?
When did you carve your name into my heart?
When did 'I hate you' turn into.. well, this?
I built my walls so high
I was sure you'd turn and leave
When did you even tear them down?
Love was a fantasy I never believed.
Sitting on our roofs
With the universe in the palm of our hands
Rolling down the windows
And belting out song lyrics to our favorite bands
And even sitting here I'm thinking of you
With a smile plastered on my face.
I never wanted to date again
Let alone be "that couple"...
But I guess that's what we are
This is what we're meant to be
And when we're together
When the day comes I get tired of dreaming about a stranger, maybe by then I can finally let go of my love and free myself from the love that consumed me.
Maybe by then, I can finally look at you without shedding any tears. And maybe I'll just laugh at the things I wrote about you; even this.
But right now, I can’t let you go―not today, not tomorrow or in the next few years―but someday, I will. And when that day comes and I remember you, maybe I’ll realize that I am far too young and naive now to know something about love, and that I only got swayed by the smaller traps of life. Just like how I found myself getting trapped by the love I have for you.
Someday, I will...
On my way to college, the lighthouse, the shore
The pretty cute buildings, I don't see them no more
In a beautiful town, my mind is absent
The flowers tell summer, such a sweet scent
Singing along to the waves' melodies
And hoping to see you, oh baby, please
I step on the stairs to the great entrance door
Looking out for you in the open hall floor
I enter the classroom, turning my head
Catching your eyes, not sure where you're at
My dreams they are mortal, I am forced to awaken
I can't believe it but my seat, it is taken
Who is that girl that is taking my place?
Smiling at you with her make-up bitch face
The story of us, it was about to be told
Until you decided to end it so cold
I'm just getting started my love
They said I'd forget you soon
Not to take it so seriously
But I can't live like that
I wanted to think of forever
I wasn't practicing how to love
I thought you deserved my best
I guess it's not good enough
I'm the one that got away
It's gonna come alive
You'll remember I knew
I knew how to love you
Because that's all I wanted to know
I don't want to make mistakes
I tried to figure you out
That's where I went wrong this time
Putting pieces together before they break
Now you want to say you're sorry
Somehow I'm more important than ever
Telling you it's ok so you can move on
And give a clean heart to someone new
I'm the one that got away
It's gonna haunt you
You'll wake up thinking of me
And how I was the right kind of fool
The right kind to fall in love with you
But I'll love again
Yes I'll love again
In spite of you
In spite of you
I've lost you more times then I've
lost my keys
And for years I've prayed to that saint
You know, the one who finds things that are misplaced
Can you tell by my expression
I stashed away all the maps and clues
And lately I can sleep at night
It feels strange to cherish a vacant conscious
As the day lays to rest and dusk settles upon the sky, I lay motionless in bed. Shadows crawl over the walls and seep into the corners of the room. The open window lets the last of the natural light the sun has to offer filter into the room. As young birds sing their evening songs, the room gradually becomes a deep shade of blue. In the shadow of the day and in the limelight of night, my self-destructive thoughts from the day are slowly quelled.
The deep blue hues of the room allow new thoughts to resurface in my head. However, these thoughts were not so bad to think about. The dark atmosphere but calming demeanor of the space reminded me all too much of him.
Memories began to resurface of the first time I met him. A few years older than I, he was eighteen and I was fifteen. He was going off to college while I would be entering sophomore year. And god, I know. Trust me, I knew it wasn’t a good situation already.
He first caught my eye from afar. He was talking to my brother and I couldn’t even see all of his face. And I don’t know why, but he took my breath away. I remember that my first thought of him was that he was short. No more than two inches taller than me, and I thought it was the most adorable thing. I remember that my mood was rather dull on this particular day, but just seeing him had changed my attitude. To this day, two years later, I still don’t know what to call it. I don’t want to say that it was love at first sight, because that seems a little extreme.
But I walked closer to him, too scared to actually walk up and introduce myself. I remember tripping over my feet a little, which he apparently heard because he turned and looked straight into my eyes for a split second.
And god, oh my god. Just from looking into his sea foam eyes for that second, I could tell that he had a thousand stories to tell but had no one that was willing to listen. His bright blue eyes, even I could tell they were a little dull. I knew they could be brighter. He was a quiet soul, looking for something in his life that could hold more meaning. He was surrounded by family and friends, yet it looked like he had never felt more alone.
At the time, I could decipher the code of thought in his eyes. But yet, my overly nervous, fifteen-year-old self, was far too scared to ever talk to him. I came close, once, when he and my brother stood near me and my brother asked me something. I could have joined the conversation, but I didn’t. I answered my brother and walked away. And to this day, I will never regret a decision that I have made more than that one. I knew from the moment that I left that place that I made a big mistake. It felt like I had just lost something that I treasured deeply.
The thing was though, I only knew his name. I wouldn’t learn more about him until later, when I would realize that, wow, he is truly someone special. However, after I left that place, I put every thought I had about him into the back of my mind. I knew that it wouldn’t happen anyways.
For two years, he has been in the back of my mind and he has never left. It has been two years since I’ve seen or spoken to him. Yet, I’m still learning new things about him from my brother. And honestly, the happiest moments in my life right now are when I learn something new about him. Because that is enough. Learning anything about him makes me impossibly happy, and that's all I need right now.
It's all that I have of him, however. A few pieces of information about his life and what he likes. But, honestly, I'm still happy with just that.