I dressed in long dresses,
pearl necklace around around my neck.
Applying bold lipstick
on my pursed lips.
Wearing high heels
on tiny feet.
Carrying a hand bag
like a diva,
pretending to be an adult.

But now that it is no more
pretend but my reality,
I wish it was easy as playing
dress up.

Once upon a time,
I dressed in fluffy frocks
and wore tiaras
believing I was a princess.

Now that I am older,
I find myself dressing in others skin
believing mine wasn't worthy
of being worn.

Why wipe my tears,
when you had to make me cry?

Why message,
when you never on planning to have a conversation?

Why get me attached,
when you had to leave?

Why do you come in peace,
when you are to leave me in pieces?

Why heal my heart,
when you had to break it?

Why fill my heart with happiness,
when you had to leave it will sorrows?

Why make me feel comfort,
when you had to leave me alone?

Why do you plant flowers,
if you were never going to water them?

Why did you build a home,
if you were never going to stay?

Why light up my world,
only to leave it dark?

Why do you come back,
just to leave once more?

Hiding emotionally,
physically avoiding,
and verbally masking by lies.

We pretend that we are alright,
turning it all invisible
In the eyes of one other,  
so that we don’t let the worry flow,
so that we don’t let the disappointment brew.
But it flows into the ears of others.

Leaning on their shoulders for comfort,
where comfortability now thrives.
We now look in the eyes
of one another
with body containing secrets,
pretending to be alright
and happy.

I guess,
that’s where the trust started to wither
and comfortability started to fade,
for we found comfort on others shoulders.

I fell for you like an autumn leaf,
but you never really admired me.
You just went all over me,
Crunch crunch crunch.

Now I am the flower of the spring,
and here you are.

But it’s too late
For the season has changed.
I am no longer falling,
but blooming

They aren't just poems,
but my vulnerabilities stripped
onto a page.
These words are the rhythmic song
of my heart,
the lyrics of my mind
These bare words
having an insight
beyond the skin.
To something more vulnerable and deep;
An entry to my mind

I feel like an unsolved rubiks cube;
higgledy-piggledy.
Indecisive and confused,
Chaotic and muddled,
Vague and hazy.

Tongue twisted is what I feel
When someone asks;
for I can not say
anything for sure .

I am lost in the galaxy,
wandering through the forests -
I don’t know what path to take
to reach the destination set for me.

Oblivious to what I want
or what to do,
everything feels
unsure and unsteady
“It’s just a phase” is all I say .

For one day I will know,
the floor will not be unsteady
and it will be clear.

For I hold on to the hope
that one day
the rubiks cube will be solved

Summer is coming,
the sun will glare,
heat will radiate,
flip flops will be out,
tans will be tattooed on bare skin,
sunglasses out to shade,
sp lotions to shield,
happiness beaming through the curved-wide smiles,
water will be splashed
and the sand will burn
like hot coals on the soles of the feet
for it will be  beach season once again.

Whispers echoing in a trusted ear,
spoken to another ear.
Echoing louder than once before,
exaggerated and twisted
for you find everyone knows
those whispers you called secrets.
As it spread like a chain,
to one trusted person of theirs
to the next
The identity of those whispers
are no longer secrets but rumors.

Your words are like chemotherapy;
a dose of truth,
a dose of advise,
a dose of pain and hurt.

Draining me,
breaking me
with the way
the words radiate
through my body.

But once my soul
resonates with those words,
blooming begins
and life starts to flourish
little by little.

Talking about others,
trying to invoke jealousy
in hearts of one another
To see if we still care.

You told me not to be “sensitive” 
So here I am trying to deflect,
but I end up absorbing the pain of your words,
the intricacies of this world,
pretending not to care about what is said 
and has happened.

I hold the tears in,
place a mask on my face,
and a lock on my lips
so that none would spill.

But now I feel numb
unaware of how I feel
and unable to cry.

Now, here you are
calling me emotionless.

I guess there was no in between;
either a heart of ocean
or a heart of stone.

At times they were just plain words on paper
and at times they were expressive and powerful poetry.
At times it was paint spilled all over
and at times it was a masterpiece.
At times it was a stress
and at times it was a relief.

I guess
progress was never meant to be linear.
It was never meant to be all flow
without ebb.
It was never supposed to be all great and good,
but neither were these times supposed to have the power
to bring you down to give up,
because you feel it will never be good enough.

You were lying,
I was believing.
You were deceiving,
I was trusting.
You were pretending,
I was loving.
You were manipulating,
I was falling.

"How can no one see?" he said softly, almost as a whisper that made her brow rise in confusion. But there was a strange slight relief around the curviness of her lips and in those dark deep blue eyes that seemed to have lit up turning a shade lighter. She exhaled a sigh of relief as though she was glad someone was asking or even talking to her.
"How can no one hear the air carrying the whispers of your cries? How can no one see the merge between the depthful ocean and the mysterious galaxy in your eyes? Does no one feel the sadness leaking out of your pores? The way your smile is never complete, how your cheeks does not swallow your eyes no more. Does no one see your face and say You're a beautiful masterpiece made of all these broken pieces and I want to know more."

A vile of acid on your tongue.

You words are like toxins I inhale,
suffocating every breath I take,
injecting self doubt in my veins.
Muscles trembling with every pace,
landfiling my heart with every beat.

Blaming and calling
crazy and emotional
in response to your says,
leaving me to question
my own sanity everyday.

You felt like a insidious catalyst;
a cancerous wound,
a rabid havoc,
a malicious destruction
withering me in the subtlest of ways.

But here we are once again,
rekindling old flames
even when we know it's poisonous for us to stay.

Don't know if we're too weak to leave
or are too mindlessly lusting
for the poison to infiltrate our bloodstream
and corrupt us  to our cellular level.

Either way, it's a grosteque addiction
for the soul, mind and heart.

Time is slipping.
moments are fading,
deadlines are approaching
and emotions are changing.

Everything is
modifying,
dimming,
evolving
and reforming.

It's a tightening feeling in the chest
that catches my breath.
But then I exhale
letting it loose.

Life is moving forward,
days are coming close,
anxiety is getting worse
and I don't feel prepared.

But I have today,
I have this moment,
I can make something of this time.
Little by little,
day by day,
it will be alright.

There are days when negativity seeps in,
draining your energy
turning your mind into a battlefield
making your heartache
stealing your happiness with haste
breaking your self esteem
fading away your belief
festering your mood
and stamping out your light
to leave you parched-desecrated soul
with venomous whispers slithering from cell to cell
cracking and wounding your heart
leaving your mind toiling in negativity.

These are the days you hold onto words
to keep yourself together
and let go of words to express yourself.

You try embracing positivity,
focusing on yourself
and pursuing your passions.
You try to hold on to what
and who make you feel better.

Humans
of different ages
learning and experiencing
growing and evolving
through different stages

"Having gone through it once did not mean it did not hurt the second time. It is painful, raw and heart-wrenching. But I know I am going to get through it. I know I have to invest in myself, the people who I love and love me back and invest in the things that make me feel better so that my past would not hold me captive. I know if I was to work for the better, I would be much happier with my present and would not go back to rekindle with my past as I would have accepted the suffering is part of the path of finding my strength and a better self."

- excerpt from an open letter

Heartbreak and disappointment
dimmed by the laughter that escapes
and jokes that are made
letting me escape
the aching pain.

Forming a defence of
flowing endorphins  
preventing it from sinking deeper.
Although I am sure by night
I would be a weeper.

Which is alright,
pain and disappointments
are a part of life
there is no harm to feel,
to acknowledge to heal.

But one must not dwell
for it is a part of a
better plan that
awaits for ones fate.

I had to put boundaries
when it came to you
to avoid being myself completely,
because for you I was
too deep
too emotional
too attached.

I was either “too much”
or “too less” in your eyes.

It felt like I was confining
my ocean in your river.

An act of care,
a word of kindness,  
a shed of attention
and I am all ready
to flow love into your heart,
secrets into your ears,
letting you wander in
to my mind and heart
trusting you with all what I got.

“If you want to talk about it, I am here for you. Just like old times or new times, I don’t know. But I am here for you.” Cancerous words he spilled onto the screen, for they just multiplied the happiness that now sparked within her. Brewing hope and burning her eyes with emotions that flowed her eyes, leaving her mind fuzzy with joy. They finally opened their hearts to one another; a raw, vulnerable, authentic conversation after years. It was a conversation where she was drowned in the most beautiful-devastating of ways. A conversation she never wanted to end for the words seemed infinite and emotions seemed everlasting. She held onto this moment as perfect as it was as her eyes slid go sleep.

My voice is not a font
My face is not pixelated
My life isn’t a snap
My emotions aren’t emoticons
My love isn’t a tap
My compliments aren’t comments
I am not down there,
but up here .

Him: She looked different, I hadn’t seen her face this bright in a really long time. In that moment she was the moon, the star, a luminous soul that stood before my eyes. She was like confetti, leaving sparkles where she stepped. It wasn’t like the happiness she plastered on her face or the smile that made dimples appear on the ends of her lips. This was different. I could feel the energy. 
Her cheeks swallowed her eyes whole and those hidden teeth behind her lips were exposed. It was just everything about her, how her voice was powerful and high-pitched just like a youngster. The way her pupils dilated and showed all her excitement. The way her soul radiated excitement and joy. It was everything about her, the way she moved, the way she spoke, the way she laughed. Happiness made her feel like she could do anything. Happiness was more than just beautiful on her. It was luminous and powerful.

Her: This happiness felt ineffable. It was more than just a star lighting up in the dark, it was more than the darkness fading away. It wasn’t the happiness that is supposed to be picture perfect or the commercially perfect of having pearly white teeth. It was the one that my soul roar and bursting away from the confinement. It was the happiness that made adrenaline rush through my veins and neurons spark every cell of mine. It was the happiness that made me not care about what others thought, whether I was too much or over-excited. I was happy, I was more than happy after a very long time. It didn’t matter to me. I felt fierce. I felt like a child. I felt everything beautiful and powerful. I didn’t want to lose it to others words or to anything in this world. I was going to protect it, guard it and hold on to it. I was going to shine and radiate.

Like the sun my mind sets,
like the moon my heart comes in power
;
the emotion filled tides
rising and crashing.
Like a waterfall my emotions flow,
like a volcano words escape.

Suppressed emotions unveiled

letting words with no logic escape
for the words are true,

the emotions are pure

allowing the ones around me
to hear my secrets as they divulge
,
catch a glimpse of vulnerability , raw and honesty

that are veiled by the morning light.

"I fear of having my turbulent waves crash down upon you. I fear of having my chaos entangle you in it’s mess. I fear my darkness enwrapping, engulfing and entrapping you in it’s depths. I fear of leaving you bewildered by the cryptic words that slip my tongue."

- excerpt from an open letter

“You know what hurts? The fact that you don’t want me the same way I want you. You don’t mind talking to me, but you don’t have the urge and want to talk to me anymore. You don’t mind having a conversation if I message, but you will never want to message. What hurts is that I can see it happening, subtly and gradually. I can see you losing interest in me. I can see those eyes wandering in search of someone else when once they were focused on me. I can feel the distance, I can see you fading.”

- Excerpt from an open letter

Alluring was her beauty;
sweet as the roses that intoxicated the air
and soft as the petals that caressed their skin.
But look deeper
to the roots
you’ll see the thistle she hides;
For if you get to close
you’ll see a different side.

She offers them a rose
and some quiet prose.

She was a sweet chaos
hiding behind a delicate rose.

Hopes and dreams
are soft and fragile
as the petals above.
Bathing and blossoming
in the radiating warmth,
love and happiness
of the sun.
But attached to these
fragrant petals
are thorny stems
the one needs to climb
to bathe and breathe
the intoxicating and enriching aura.

Easy it is to be caressed by
the soft-wine colored petals.
Easy it is to breath in the aura
of the fragrant roses.
But are you ready to come close
hold the razor sharp thorns;
enduring the pain of the thorny stems
are you ready to accept the roots
from which she grew.

Like the delicate rose
She disclosed all her sins
to the ones who got close.

She gave away the petals of love,
leaving the thorny stems behind.

She is chaos and beauty entwined
hiding and blending
behind the delicate roses;
thorns are her guard
for no one can take away
the veil that conceals her.

“Did you witness her rise from the cold, wet earth? Did you watch as her petals unfold? Did you see the way the dew drops glistened like diamonds on her red-blood petals? Did you hear the whispers of her mind, heart and soul diffusing and infusing in fragrance carried around?"

“He is the ocean in my life while I am a single drop in his. He is the sun in my sky while I am the breeze that goes by unnoticed. He is the moon that guides me at night, while I am nothing but the darkness in his life. Excitement pulsates when he texts, but not a pulse more when I text. For I am just like the other girls he talks to; just one of them when he is the only one for me. Happiness rushes through my veins and nerves feel a gentle tickle in his presence. I feel everything deeply; pain and happiness when it comes to him, while he feels nothing. Sacrificing, asking, encouraging, adjusting and compromising when it’s never the same. He never runs when I slip away, but I stay when he walks away. I feel like I am chasing him; on a constant run for him to care. But he doesn’t care about me, as much as I care about him; and that hurts deeply than I ever thought it would.”

- excerpt from an open letter

"Darling, if there’s one thing I learnt this year it is to never get attached to someone unless they feel the same towards you. Never lean on someone who wouldn’t do the same. Never care too much about someone who doesn’t care about you. Never give too much of your mind, time and heart to someone who wouldn’t give you back. Because the truth is one sided expectation can mentally and emotionally destroy you."

Once upon a time
I was sweet, soft and bright
Now I am dry, hard and dark
When did I stop looking at the sky,
chasing the warm sensuality
and start slouching to the ground.

Hue and texture are no longer the same,
my thorns have been magnified
with the petals of my love
crumbled and withered away.
I am no longer the same.

Like the rose was our love,
watered with the best of selves,
soaked in the light of our presence;
flourishing and blooming.
But now memories are crumbling
and our love is withering and fading.
A dead rose is the only remainder
from a life of beauty and admiration.
Now we love in the shadows
and stolen whispers
of the weak and brittle petals

Her laugh is infectious
and her words are precious
for they draw a constellation line
from one heart to another.

Her heart beat resonates with mine
creating a beautiful orchestra together.

Her touch sends an electrical impulse
down my spine;
an electrical connection,
connecting us forever.

She is the one who’s heart holds mine,
ear who guards all my secret
and presence my comfortability finds a way to.

She is the moon to my dark sky
and the ocean my heart yearns for.

She is all what I want and all I need.

There is something wrong
about the place, I belong.
Ever since you came along
everything has changed
but has it really changed?
or have I just changed?

The friends with whom I ranged
through their thickets are estranged.
They are the same
but their masks seem to be coming off.
Was it all fake and just a part of a game?

Now I am afraid to relapse to when I was seventeen,
the time I had no ear to tell my thoughts to,
for they would leave, judge, not understand and rumor me away.

All alone and bottled up;
I had only a paper to listen to me.
My innocence and guilt is withering
no one's heart is there to grasp
no one's hand is there to to hold.
Many may offer, but it no longer seems real no more.
Trust has been dissolved by the words that held no meaning.

My emotions are no longer the same.
My love is no longer pure.
My attachments are no longer etched to hearts no more.

The year is coming to an end
and everyone is leaving,
Even the ones I thought would never leave.
Although, they are still there physically
none seem to be left in my heart anymore

You may have changed everything,
the way I see people closest to me
But if I held on to you,
and let go of everyone around me;
the day you leave,
will leave me with no one by my side.

So I'll let everyone stay physically,
even when they've deserted me in internally.
I am going to try grasp myself,
The ever-changing soul within me
For I myself should be enough to keep on going.

Everything happens for a reason,
one of the important lesson I learnt with the change in season
and people.

Some moments hurt, scar and engrave
an important lesson.
Protecting you from future treason
Making you deal with it even better.
Some moments exhilarate happiness and positivity
Fueling you with love and treasuring the memories.

Some people come as blessings
Building homes in our hearts;
Helping us sail turbulent waves;
Acting as starlights in our dark sky.
While some leave us lessons
Vacating their homes in our hearts.

Twist is some, come back
and some only stay a flashback.
Some are are sent for exile
and some come back to reconcile.
People come and go.
Some drawing a smile on our face;
creating a beautiful and positive impact.
But leave for certain reasons,
To those people I am thankful,
to have had my paths cross with them.
And grateful to the ones who’s chaos and storms,
I survived and bloomed from.
Not forgetting about the ones who stayed
even when some left,
Appreciating them for still standing by my side till the very end.

I learnt everything is temporary; moments, feelings and people. I learnt everything happens for a reason. I learnt there is power in my losses and power in my wins. I learnt how everything is in a pair of two, memories and lessons; love and pain. I learnt it’s about letting yourself feel the pain and to express it. It’s about finding the ones who are worth suffering for. I learnt the value of kindness, softness and vulnerability and how the world tries to **** you of it. This year was of hurting bad but, living good as well. It was another year of making friends out of strangers and strangers out of friends. This year taught me so much about caring and standing up for myself. About forgiving, healing and growing from it. So here’s to another year of focusing on warm energy and surrounding myself with people who compliment it. Here’s to the inhalation of the point I’ve reached and soaking in it’s happiness. Here’s to new opportunities, new experiences and a new year.

Here’s to the ones who opened my mind to various other world that existed. Here’s to the ones who’s deep conversation enriched my mind, soul and heart. Here’s to the ones who kept me sane. Here’s to the ones who did constant grammar checks. Here’s to the ones who accepted my insanity, weirdness and quirkiness and stayed. Here’s to the ones that offered their ear to listen and hand to hold. Here’s to the ones who loved me the days I didn’t love myself. Here’s to the ones who believed in me the days I didn’t believe in myself. Here’s to the ones who would check up on me, just to see how am I doing. Here’s to the ones who sparkled my day with their random acts of kindness. Here’s to the ones who made me laugh a ton at their lamest of jokes. Here’s to the ones who built houses in my heart and kept it warm. Here’s to the ones who made my dark days bearable and this year extra special by being themselves.

2017 -
The year that broke some more illusions
The year that invited some more people
But also drove away some people.

A year of juxtaposition and contradiction
A year of memories and lessons
like any other year; just different.

2018 -
The clock strikes 12 and you enter
as the person who changed over the 365 days
and embrace the ride of highs to memories
and lows to lessons in the coming 365 days.
But you know it is just a change in number
even though it feels like an end to something
heart breaking and soul shaking
and the beginning of something different and beautiful.

“I wanted to hold on to someone. But even my inner circle seemed far away. Some seemed to not care about what I had to say. My life seemed unstable just like the chemicals in my brain. I just wanted someone to care, to actually truly care about me. Maybe they did, but I couldn’t see it. Maybe they were there offering their support but I was too deaf to hear it. Too blinded and deafened by my own pain and loneliness. I feel I have nothing to hold on to. Nothing. No purpose. No motive. No one. And when there is nothing, you find there no purpose to breathe.”

“It hurt. It hurt even more because you were close to me. It hurt because I cared about what you thought and said. You mattered to me, and that created a soft spot for you. But you left me. You betrayed me. You lied with the empty words. And you pushed me every time I came close with an act of care.
Now you say I am cold and emotionally distant. But that’s what I had to do to avoid being crippled by the emotional and mental wounds and scars, for I had enough. I am not a fool anymore; I know how this goes. Because every time I open up, all it does is hurt. So now every time you hurt me, the less I cry. Every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry. And every time you walk out, the less I love you. Because every time it happens, the less you matter to me. So I am not going to let you close to me, even though you mean the most to me and I mean the most to you; in case you leave me in the dirt. Because the truth is baby, I am just protecting my innocence, heart, mind and soul now.”