With little time in hand, I know nothing can be undone
This scares me, but extinguishes the fear away of unknown
Melancholy, my everyday anywhere companion
Hiding in shadows, as the sun comes.
The timing is perfect, enough but never enough
Feels are there still between the gaps but numb
I misplaced my heart on,strayed away from the game
Everything is lost, but still nothing has changed.
Room is darker than usual, moon remains hidden
The heartbeats are heard and sudden,
There is no excuse this time
Just few seconds left to create another rhyme.
End is coming nearer, the start is next to it
Life is too much yet incomplete
The journey unstable, I don't look around
Many realisations, lost and found.
The definition of being
Is dropping a pencil on the floor
And wanting to cry
Because of the pencil falling
But the irony
Of how you are able to pick up an inanimate object
To pick up yourself
Reading a book
Looking at the words
Not truly seeing them
Rereading the first page
Hoping to find the meaning
That your life
Seems to have lost
Dropping things for no reason
Because you're too numb
To feel your own fingers
But feel too much
To let go
And forgive yourself
Worshipping the hands of the clock
Like a savior
As if every passing minute will bring you to a better future
that every passing minute
Is a vice
That never seems to loosen its hold
On your consciousness
That one day
You will better understand yourself
Through words on a page
Than through your own mind
That you will no longer be a subconscious stranger
Occupying your own thoughts
The girl you wish to be.
I was abused as a child
Now as an adult
I crave for it
Like a pregnant woman craving pickles and peanut butter
I look for around every corner at 1 am
Short skirts, crop tops, 50F degree weather
I know houses that are unsafe for girls my age
Should I knock?
I look for it in the mouths of men
Men who were older than me
A reputation I wish I didn't have
But I do
I look for in the alcohol I drown my liver in
The boys liked to party with me
I was able to shoot whiskey and vodka
No need for fruity drink or wine coolers
I look for it in the rolled paper I puff in his garage at 4am
With red eyes and foggy head
The only time I actually felt safe
I look for it in the pills I've popped at parties
Honestly, I have no clue on pills I took
I didn't care then and don't care now
Wish I was still 15 and dumb
Why is abuse addictive?
I wanted to escape it
I escaped it
I am looking for it
I want it
I want the fear
Who am I without the Abuse?
Am I even a person without it?
Is that all I am good for?
To be used and abused.
Eat touch has me addicted,
Each pill has a grasp on my mind,
Another sip of burning rum had my thirst for freedom; quenched.
The physical destruction that my addiction gave me,
Was as pleasing as the silence they brought to my troubled mind.
A ghost caress from a non lover,
Has already won me over and put me off the edge,
My body a canvass for abuse.
Medication that saves me but doesn’t fulfill all my needs,
So I take more than prescribed, allowing the overrunning to be silenced.
Too many glasses to count is just the right amount,
It sends a hum throughout my body,
And I find myself in a better fantasy than the last.
Each one of my addictions have become a part of me.
Everyone one knows me for them,
No one has ever seen my without them,
They brand me like a product.
Sex leaves me sore for days,
Mecation leaves me in a haze,
And Liquor blesses me with forgetting my pain.
My mind is unstable
I don't know, if I am capable
To withdraw the gruesome feeling
Developing inside me everyday
I try to divert, to give space for healing
But the negatives crosses my way
I remain silent most of the time
Unable to fight, as my anger takes to prime
Voices inside my head start their taunting
I hide my head under a pillow for it to stop
My own thoughts has started haunting
I felt I was on a huge cliff top
To what lays beneath the dark meadows
My own undigested cruel shadows
Cuffed up, smothering, while I struggle to get out
Even my voice stopped echoing my shout
I am completely consumed by my leverage thoughts
So many tangles, so many knots
I may never be able to free myself from myself
For I can not run away for what's unseen
Inside my physical head to oneself
But if you know what I mean,
then this place within yourself you've already seen...
Oh arrhythmia take lightly on me,
white blue rooms stare absently.
Flutter chest and weaken inside,
my heart has been untied.
Oh arrhythmia gently fall down,
down on me, on me, I die renown.
Come down on me and shatter,
strongest burst is weaker than the rest,
my breath is frayed, or tatter,
for my heart is weak within my chest.
I'm too much and not enough,
I'm nothing and I'm everything,
I sleep too little, wake too late,
And I dream too much, want too much, feel too much...
Or nothing at all.
I talk too much and I breathe too fast,
I can't take everything in as quickly as I should,
And I get attacked so fast,
It's like a fury , fresh, fierce.
I am scarred by the sinews that bind me
And I am scared of
My legs were shaking
as I inched my way towards the
cold tile floor
on a Friday afternoon
It climbed up my spine
Into my hands
as the water in the cup
Shook and spilled
onto the floor
I look at the new mess before me
then up at the one in the mirror
staring right back
as I realize
as of now
only one can be helped
Because the shakes came
and left just as quick
but the thoughts that clawed
took root within my mind for weeks
And after they grew comfortable
they invited the guest of honor to vacation
within the gaping hole of emptiness
that existed within my chest
Except when he was there it didn't
feel so empty
and even though i asked them to leave
they had grown too comfortable
with my discomfort
to give it all up