My heart aches.
I don't know why.
My feelings seem fake,
and I feel numb inside.
It makes me fear what is to come next.
Those thoughts make me perplex,
and diversions can't keep them back.
I wish I could just fly,
but I know I can't,
for I will never flee ,
from the pain that's controlling me.
Eat touch has me addicted,
Each pill has a grasp on my mind,
Another sip of burning rum had my thirst for freedom; quenched.
The physical destruction that my addiction gave me,
Was as pleasing as the silence they brought to my troubled mind.
A ghost caress from a non lover,
Has already won me over and put me off the edge,
My body a canvass for abuse.
Medication that saves me but doesn’t fulfill all my needs,
So I take more than prescribed, allowing the overrunning to be silenced.
Too many glasses to count is just the right amount,
It sends a hum throughout my body,
And I find myself in a better fantasy than the last.
Each one of my addictions have become a part of me.
Everyone one knows me for them,
No one has ever seen my without them,
They brand me like a product.
Sex leaves me sore for days,
Mecation leaves me in a haze,
And Liquor blesses me with forgetting my pain.
My mind is unstable
I don't know, if I am capable
To withdraw the gruesome feeling
Developing inside me everyday
I try to divert, to give space for healing
But the negatives crosses my way
I remain silent most of the time
Unable to fight, as my anger takes to prime
Voices inside my head start their taunting
I hide my head under a pillow for it to stop
My own thoughts has started haunting
I felt I was on a huge cliff top
To what lays beneath the dark meadows
My own undigested cruel shadows
Cuffed up, smothering, while I struggle to get out
Even my voice stopped echoing my shout
I am completely consumed by my leverage thoughts
So many tangles, so many knots
I may never be able to free myself from myself
For I can not run away for what's unseen
Inside my physical head to oneself
But if you know what I mean,
then this place within yourself you've already seen...
Oh arrhythmia take lightly on me,
white blue rooms stare absently.
Flutter chest and weaken inside,
my heart has been untied.
Oh arrhythmia gently fall down,
down on me, on me, I die renown.
Come down on me and shatter,
strongest burst is weaker than the rest,
my breath is frayed, or tatter,
for my heart is weak within my chest.
I'm too much and not enough,
I'm nothing and I'm everything,
I sleep too little, wake too late,
And I dream too much, want too much, feel too much...
Or nothing at all.
I talk too much and I breathe too fast,
I can't take everything in as quickly as I should,
And I get attacked so fast,
It's like a fury , fresh, fierce.
I am scarred by the sinews that bind me
And I am scared of
My legs were shaking
as I inched my way towards the
cold tile floor
on a Friday afternoon
It climbed up my spine
Into my hands
as the water in the cup
Shook and spilled
onto the floor
I look at the new mess before me
then up at the one in the mirror
staring right back
as I realize
as of now
only one can be helped
Because the shakes came
and left just as quick
but the thoughts that clawed
took root within my mind for weeks
And after they grew comfortable
they invited the guest of honor to vacation
within the gaping hole of emptiness
that existed within my chest
Except when he was there it didn't
feel so empty
and even though i asked them to leave
they had grown too comfortable
with my discomfort
to give it all up
Nothing is stable
Because I'm use to instability
This ground is not fertile
So get use to infertility
I might be able
And not have the ability
Everyone one needs saving
But there isn't a savior
Through many of labors
We try to find loyalty
Which is funny because
We're all used to enemies
Nothing is labelled
Its all under the table
Nothing has flavor
But it still taste good to me
You want to love like you're dying
With no time to wait
And all hearts at stake
Die like you're living
Forget all the hearts you break
When I'm tired I seem to be the most calm
When I'm stressed I feel relaxed when I'm anxious I keep on waiting
For my paranoia to detach
I tend to want to get high
But I embrace the night
Like an introvert I'm in my mind like I wear its design and material things are measured in time and all the time I seem to whine
Just to be extra ordinary
Lord I'm wary
I wonder what's going to happen next weekend
I’m completely unstable.
I’m mentally unkind.
I’m physically unsafe.
I’m a demon in disguise.
Not who you believe.
Not you, or me.
Who am I but a sociopath.
What am I but a demon.
But a girl hidden in lies.
But a girl who toys.
But who am I but a lie.
Who am I but a sociopathic girl.
What but a dead body hiding a monster.
What better word than unstable?
What better to describe than unkind?