I am afraid right now.
I have gotten attached.
I have latched onto him,
And I don't know if he has latched onto me.
Scientifically,
When people do these things,
The women are known to develop romantic connections faster.
Which means he might not feel anything for me,
Than my physicality.
I am afraid he will leave me right after this,
Even though he witnessed a breakdown,
Where I went back in time,
Because someone left me.
Will he hold onto me
Like I hold onto him?
I guess we will see,
But hopefully.
I want to belong to him,
Even if I can't come to love myself.

It’s you and this time
That I revisit the most
Captured past in glass

I had to put boundaries
when it came to you
to avoid being myself completely,
because for you I was
too deep
too emotional
too attached.

I was either “too much”
or “too less” in your eyes.

It felt like I was confining
my ocean in your river.

This thing I must do
It is something new
I’m not pleased with it
Honestly, it makes me spit
But I must do what’s best
I must take this test
To be away from what I want most
To be torn from my dose
Of your attention and care
Oh, how is this fair?
My brain must come first
Such is this curse
The fight to think clearly
I want it so dearly
You’ve fogged my sight
Caused such delight
I’ve grown too attached
I must get unlatched
I will miss you so
But I must grow
Stronger for us
No need to fuss
It is only for a short while

It’s like having a twin, who’s existence makes other people uncomfortable
Like before I was born, only I was in the ultrasound
And no one was prepared for her when she followed me into the world
It’s like having a shadow that does not just stretch out behind me
But instead she has attached herself to my back,
It’s like she has hooked her fingers over the edges of my ribcage
Her head is resting on the start of my spine
Her heels are digging into my thighs
People ask why I let her hang around
As if I have a choice
It’s like everyone is waiting for me to admit that I want her
It’s like they are all expecting me to secretly bend so she can climb on
I don’t
They think I like it when I want to laugh but hers is what they hear
I don’t.
They think I choose the days when she is with me, telling me the words to say
I don’t.
They think that when I wake up, she is something I put on
Like a favourite t-shirt or a sad song
She’s not
She is with me when I wake up
She is with me when I sleep
She is with me when I take my clothes off
She is like a second skin that I can’t shed

Don’t ask me to leave her behind
Because it is not my decision
I cannot control her hold on me
It is her who is pulling the strings

It’s like having a side of me that no one wants to know
As if they don’t already know her
She is me when I can’t help being down
She is me when I can hardly whisper a sound
She is me when I laugh the hardest
She is me when I am missed
She is me no matter your belief
And maybe one day she will walk away
But until then,
She is me.

Throw me to the side
Cancel everything we had planned
Don't talk to me for days
Never say you love me.
But here I am
Still attached to you
Still loving you
When you haven't been here for me
For years it seems
Cancel me.

I always hear the old saying
“cut off the limb.”
Unfortunately,
my heart convinced my mind
to allow the infection to evolve
and grow into a whole new limb
that became a toxic person.