the order,
the routine,
the rules,
the reasons I want to skip class,
the reasons I do,
the reasons I get detentions,
the reasons I never show,
the schedule,
the lack of order,
the up,
the back down?
the back up then down again but across the school on top of it!
the swimming pool,
the ******* swimming pool,
the **** no I'm not swimming,
the I won't make it to math class.
the guidance office,
the guidance counselor,
the guidance counselor who says she hopes she's not taking up my time,
the period is my lunch,
the location i'm in,
the guidance office,
the problem,
the fact its every monday wednesday and friday,
the fact I may wanna eat,
the fact I wanna see my friends,
the fact you're taking my little social life away,
the bell rings,
the ring is the most joyful irritating noise I hear all day,
the fact I forgot about the freshman for a second,
the ring is the second irritating noise I hear all day.
the next class is science,
the fact your required appointment runs too long,
the fact your class is so far away,
the fact you have a minute rather than five to get there,
the fact you don't make it halfway before the bell rings,
the fact you start crying because you are late for class,
the fact your life is over,
the fact you duck into the bathroom,
the sticky doors are of no concern right now,
the bathroom stalls are all empty,
the middle one you claim and you sit,
the floor you sit, you cry, try to be silent,
the effort to breath, trying not to have a full on panic attack,
the things going on in your head,
the dread pours in,
the anxiety levels rushes in.
the thoughts poor in and spill even when its over flown,
the fact you call your mom,
the fact she gets you off the floor,
the fact she reminds you,
the fact you have to touch that sticky door,
the door you touched once before,
the hand you touch the door with you used to wipe tears with,
the sly way to open the door,
the silence you make,
the bent down head,
the quite,
the trying to act normal,
the nothings going on trip,
the way to the main office,
the fact you on the phone in the hallway,
the fact you made it to the office,
the fact the principal wants to see you,
the fact you start explaining what happened,
the schedule,
the wrongs,
the wrongs they caused,
the people they put in classes to embarrass you,
the abuse the teachers gave you,
the list rambled on and on,
the fact he yelled at you,
the fact he said you were not being respectful,
the fact this school never gave you respect,
the fact they took everything you had left,
the fact he continued to yell til the office ladys got up
the ladys got up,
the people flocked to the door,
the principal went silent,
the fact you still continued to cry,
the fact he acted as if nothing happened,
the fact he tried to say he was gonna fix it all,
the fact you both knew nothing was going to happen,
the fact you both were right,
the fact once you parted ways you were then greeted with a call down,
the fact someone sent you to the nurse,
the walk was the best part,
the pondering of what its for, allergies, medication information?
the arrival is shocking to you,
the nurse greets you and leads you,
the small room you cornered into,
the place where she asks to view you,
the places on your body like your arms,
the fact she implies other places could be searched
the next time
the fact you now know this will happen again,
the fact you having an anxiety attack,
the fact you wanted to say no,
the fact you know if you did,
the next act they'd do is send you to the hospital,
the scare tactics is not fair,
the fact you go home,
the fact you cry,
the fact you don't wanna go back to this place,
the fact they won't let you transfer,
the fact you have done all you could of done.
the fact that they still have the nerve to of ****** up your schedule.

my second most read poem.
recording over 1000 reads.
with 0 likes,
in 3 collections I added it too.

the title.
is the reason there are no likes,
and the fact someone can't like a poem about *******,

when I talk about how they had lost their respect,
compared to any girl out there,

makes me feel less and less confident about the fact,
someone acted on my body like that,

for someone to be not only ***** but then physically abused,
and trying to spread the news

to show you what it does to a girl,
how gross you feel to look at yourself when ur mom wants to hurl,

where u lie when people ask you about your burn,
because you feel the torture will come back.

where you let anyone grab them.
because your blessed with triple D cups,

and at least you feel like you're not worthless,
and  because I named it grab my *****,
I dont Care,
I got no likes,

Like a boy gave my body,
No respect,

I think thats as fair to say as what he did to me,
as it's as fair to know I have a little over 800 views on the poem below,
and 20 likes.
about trauma too.
I don't get how this all adds up,

I got poems written about the same exact thing,
with 2, 3, 4 likes, not even 400 views some barley 200!
all about being ***** and abused,
but how come this one,
had been ignored,
and overlooked,
a ******* name,

thats cowardly
like a ******,
like an abuser,
were not one person could give someone respect after it was all taken from them,
and they wrote about it.
I just..

You'd rather I be lonely,
In a bathtub,
With a book,

The problem with our love,
was when I only loved,

I want to skip,
Skip class,
Skip school,
Skip life...

Skip around like the inner child in me,
Screams out asking for,
Daily,
Nightly,

When ever things are bad,
Just,
Skipping around my issues,
Like people skipped around me,

I think about skipping out,
If all the bad things,

But what if I miss,
Something good,
Because I was too busy,
Skipping.

*****.
Abused.
Photographed in the ****.
or even,
had a sextual comment told too.

Doesn't label you,
anything less than how you see you.

So stop **** shaming your victimized chicks,
who didn't seem to like you from your un puberized ****,

No one asked for this ****,
so do not blame them for it,

I want to take breaths,
so peaceful,
a single feather,
will float up and down from my lips,
and silence will be as common as oxygen,
and you will only hear me inhale,
and exhale,

like it was when I took my first drag,
I took it,
as a loud world went quiet,
and all focus went on your hand,
you forgot about the simple things,
simple things that really where so uncontrolled,
you just forgot,

and with a clear head,
you take the most peaceful breaths,
as your smoke,
acts as a feather,
and floats,

sometimes when I'm alone I cry for no reason,
so i think of reasons,
like their needs to be a purpose to cry,

sometimes I dream about the times when I used to burn myself,
so I trace over my old scars,
like touching them will rip them apart once more,

sometimes I think about dying,
so I think of who I would want to care,
and I can't seem to think of anyone who matters enough,

We are the Failure, Cowards and Conditioned Leaders,
We face the future with warm courage and high hope.
We don't want to wake up and face the music,
as we keep sticking with old and precious values,
For we are the destroyer of homes,
homes for a future that we can't seem to get our hands on,
homes where living will be the expression of everything,
but like that is good and fair,
this shan't be that,
how we hope, future homes hold,
truth and love and security and faith will be realities,
but like all dreams,
we wake and see its not a reality,
We are the Failure, Cowards and Conditioned Leaders,
as we face the future with warm courage and high hope.
for nothing good will come from our race.

Maybe it was better this way,
Better to learn this today,

Rather then trying to **** up a hard truth,
In years older then my youth,

you took my life,
and made me sharpen my knife,

and I handed you it,
you stabbed me with it,
and wouldn't even toss me the first aid kit,

Satin white stained red,
from blood shed,

and I sat there and wilted away,
and you still took my body and played,

And maybe I owe you a thank you,
Because now I have a few clues,

I know what you did was ****,
But at lest you let me escape,

who else would of let me out of there *******?
even if it was without your doing...

so let me just make this loud and clear
Because I might even toast with my beer,

Yes you may have helped me learn something,
but I learned that you matter no more than a piece of string,

but you were that worthless ******* piece of string,
that was holding my world together at the seams,

**** it up,
**** it in,
hold it all inside,
up in your head,

learning how not a soul wants a thing to do,
with such a problem like you,
so stop crying about it,
if you must,

hold yourself tight,
even lie to yourself about it,
but never ever,
let it all come flowing out,

no one will be around to pick up the broken pieces,
that you shatter in,

so be like a mirror,
and reflect back at them,
there spitting self image
*as they **** it up.

every morning,
we wake,
expecting to see the sunrise,

every night,
we sleep,
after the sun sets,

The moons the only reflection,
In our deep brown eyes,
til the next day,
Where we wake expecting to see the sunrise again.

But what if the sun doesn't rise,
Then we'll wake to see the moons reflection,
Staring back at us,
Wondering why?

sometimes,
reading your ten words,
is just what I needed,

I watched her bleed tears,
watched the red stain her pale face like it wanted to tear away what was under her skin,
as if tears of blood were telling her you're thicker within.

but you see,
this girl she couldn't stop crying,
couldn't get it all out,
what has been done to her,
she can't even speak about.

you told her blood is thicker than water,
but she bleed the thickest red tears,
so large there like ink,
and will over write your name,

from her memory,
from her family,
from everything you have taken from her,

she won't need you gripping at her ankles,
always being the one to pull her down every time she in another fight,
no longer will will you make her feel like she's living a worthless life,

all the good memories have been bleed on,
red ink does not come out with an apology,
and it doesn't even lift the stain lightly,
when it's done to spite her,

and despite her inocents,
and despite her age,
and despite your gene pool relations,

if all the cards alligned in your favor,
you still better feel some shame.
for the way you acted on a little girl,

to touch her in places her father would never dare,
places where that same father your brother,
wouldn't dare to look at you again,

wouldn't talk to you again,
wouldn't let you near any ******* child gender aside,
again.

if he knew the things you had done,
to his little girl,
he'd of knocked you one,

he'd of made you cry till you bleed.
but he would of made sure you wished you were dead,
before you ever really felt sorry.

but you ruined her,
and you think she should grow up about it,
move on about it,

and forgive you,
she kept silent,
every night she cried because of the things you would do,

and now when she crys,
she bleeds,
Thick tears to cover up the mess,

to try and fix all the monstrous distresses,
fixing her family to feel something right,
breaking limbs off the family tree,

as if they were yours,
and trying to live,
while everyone,

wants to fight,

there once was an englishman
and he treated me as well as the bee treat the flowers as they land,
and the englishman told me everyday,
how much he truly loved me,
how he loved me as if I was the only girl around,
how he told me I would be the sexiest girl in any town,
and the englishman told me he loved me,
and it took me quite a while to actually believe,

but, this englishman did other things for me,
when he'd talk I feel in love with his voice,
and his smartness,
and his jokes,
and his way to always throw into the conversation,
a million compliments,
and I could barely find the words to say thank you most times,
and I was shocked to hear all the lovely things he had said about me,
rather than the usually flaw countdown party I got daily,

and I hated myself,
that I could not say I love you back,
for a while I don't know why I didn't believe,
why I felt like it was too good to be true,
and how I wanted to grow up each second I spoke to him,
so I could move away to see him,

so, I truly loved this person,
and I kept thinking and waiting,
for when,
he'd stop,
loving me too,

I'm empty,
like a run down house.

I'm no longer sure,
of my whereabouts.

Where I am,
Why I'm here,

I wish for my company,
to disappear.

Now I'm faded and stale,
like an rusty old nail,

I wish to be social,
But I was always at someones disposal,

I wanted some space,
sometime to think and retrace,

to let go,
of the bad,

to try to stop,
being sad,

but the pain returns,
and the flooding thoughts burn,

Cast down,
destroyed,

no matter,
the length I avoid,

My thoughts run through my head,
and when I believe they have fled,

no matter how much I exceed,
my thoughts hurt me til I bleed,

I cannot,
escape,

the world handed me,
my fate.

I cant drown them they can swim and,
I cannot simply float here much longer, they pull me down under,
only barely leaving my lips ,
touching the air.

and the air above,
is trying to let me breath,
Let me live,
but I can’t,
they wont let me,
they know how to steal the air,
and its almost like,
trying not to drown,
by trying to breath,
even though you know,
you cant breath,
so whats left?
just death?

The pain givers live in me,
they have stolen my heart,
and made it there home,
but that was not enough to stop at,
they get worse and worse,
and spread to the head,
to your brain,
and then in that event,
they go into your blood,
and thought stream,

and The Pain Givers,
travel and travel,
though my body,
and the are in every inch of me now,
and the cause me to hurt myself,
in ways that could really hurt,
if I wasn’t under this spell,

Now I’m scared,
and crazy,
and I cant turn to anyone,
I get so mad in my head,
“the PAIN GIVERS HURT ME!”
I scream in my head,
so no one can hear,
as they make me,
sink this knife into my skin,
now I have to hide,
the damage they did,

Now I act crazy and I stay alone,
who would want to be my friend,
I don’t talk to people any more,
I leave myself alone,
with my pain giver,
all the old name calling,
and broken promises,
stolen hopes and dreams,
and you don’t even have a right,
to say anyone understands,

I have no time to run away,
Part because I’m lazy,
part because I don’t know where to go,
and this sickness outside me,
kills me within,
and you don’t want to see,
the tears I have cried,
I don’t wear make up anymore,
and I carry eye drops,
so I can fix my eyes,
before someone will know.

I was that 14 year old girl,
who was forced to tear down,
her Christmas lights,
and tie myself around the neck,
I wrote a note saying,
my pain givers are hurting me,
mommy are you proud,
look at your child,
but its not your all your fault it,
was also this world of an awful race, now with my hands shaking wild,
I stood up on the chair,
and look down and my feet
and smiled,

then I kicked the chair over,
and took my final breath,
and now I’m just hanging there,
dead and alone,
Saying to the angel,
thank you for answering my preyers,
And getting me out,
But the angel smiles back,
The same smile of my pain giver,
And even in death I still cry,
*** my death will not satisfy me.

The neighborhood,
was quite good,
until the neighbors saw,

but I promise you it was just a humble fluke
that sadly my neighbors saw..
behind the hedges I had to puke,
and sadly the neighbors saw,

I hit their dog,
due to some fog,
and the neighbors saw,

and then our cat,
made a ****,
and sadly the neighbors saw,

and then my son,
****** their daughters tongue,
and sadly the neighbors saw,

and then are snake
ended up in there lake,
and sadly the neighbors saw,

and the one time our dog,
ate Mrs. Millers clog,
and sadly the neighbors saw,

and sometimes at night,
my husband and I fight,
and sadly the neighbors saw,

and my kid screams why,
and begins to cry,
and sadly the neighbors saw,

and our neighbors husband was on patrol,
and he saw me stole,
and sadly the neighbors saw,

one time I borrowed a book,
but instead I took.
and sadly the neighbors saw.

I began to sing,
and scared Mr. King,
and sadly the neighbors saw,

and I know I'm bad,
and a little mad,
and sadly the neighbors never saw,

that I was watching
and kind of stalking,
and sadly I saw...

Everyone thought she was better.
That the scars on her body,
would fade and that would be that,

They never for one second,
thought she would lose herself,
in the dark maze of depression,
once again,

They never believed,
that there would be fresh cuts,
littering her arms,

They never realised,
she would never,
get better,

That she’d always find herself,
in this spiraling vortex,
known as depression,

They thought she was better,
and so did she,
But oh how wrong they were,

Because you see,
Depression never really goes away.

It just lets you think that,
so you’re unprepared,
for when it strikes back,

why do I hurt myself?
Because no one should insult me,
about my imperfections,
But me.
So this is my way of giving them the third degree,
on my flesh.

Clocks spin round and round,
time goes on like the days,
as if  nothing gets better,
day by day,

Miss me
Missed me
Now you've got to kiss me.
If you kiss me mister,
I might tell my sister.

If I tell her,
she might tell my mother
and my mother,
she might tell my father

and my father,
he won't be too happy,
he'll have to come up from the city,
And then we both can't be happy,
so I wouldn't miss me,
if you get me, mister see?

Missed me,
miss me now,
If you kiss me,
you must think I'm pretty.

If you think so,
you must want to **** me.
If you **** me,
it must mean you love me.
If you love me,
you would never leave me

it's as simple as can be!
So Mister, now you've got to kiss me.
If you miss me, mister,
why do you keep leaving me?

if you trick me,
I will make you suffer,
and they'll get you,
mister,

put you in the slammer
and forget you,
then you'll miss me won't you,
miss me?

Missed me, missed me,
now you've got no chance to kiss me.
if you kissed me,
mister, take responsibility.

I'm fragile,
mister, just like any girl would be
so misunderstood
so treat me good,
so treat me delicately.

Missed...
now you've gone and done it,
hope you're happy in the county penitentiary
it serves you right for kissing little girls,

but I will visit,
if you miss me.
Say you miss me!

How's the food?
they "feed" you?

Do you miss me?
Will you kiss me,
through the window?

Will they ever let you go?
I miss you mister,
so....

My love for him,
Is greater then,
my love for myself,

He has wiped away tears,
Shed for the past year,
I name him tissue box boy,

Because of you can sit,
And here all my ****,
Your a used tissue,

But I love you,
But I can't *******,
Pull out your Kleenex now,

Because of a guy,
Who did things to me,
You let me cry,
on your shoulder,

Because you tell me he was,
Wrong and always will be,
And I sniffle more,

Because you hold me,
When I need it and it's a lot,
And I wet your shirt,

Because you don't care,
I may never *******,
And you may cry now too,

But you don't need that,
To love me,
And I stop crying for a minute,

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
And you just love me,
And hold me,

Because love isn't about,
Physicalness it's love,
And with that,
You reply your empty box,
For next time.
Tissue box boy.

Pick yourself up.
every single one of them may stare,
They may haunt you every single ******* night,
because you can't shake the glaring eyes,
there those that you can't escape.
But know,
You maybe on the bottom,
Feeding so much that you're fed up with this ****.
but,
you're not the one who's a bottom feeder.
Feeding off of others and their failures.

No.

You're better,
Better enough to try,
and you're gonna try to be your best.
and not give a **** about the rest.
and if you can't simply try.
you're going to end up like them.
and there not worth anything like you.

I hate myself,
I hate myself,

don't you **** ever think I loved myself,

no way in hell could I ever,
I'm ****** sure to never tell,

tell what you ask?

on how I came to hate myself,

on how I came to hate every last thing,
about,
myself.