I have awoken at an early hour, Early morning or earlier than I want, but the gathering has begun. It appears in clusters as they say, as the pain gently taps, almost an absent thought, but if not aware, taking over all focus or any thoughts beyond the pain. I see the dark on the other side of the blade as I look over the edge of the crevasse trying not to go too far into the depth of my pain. It has been many years with a dance of doctors, drugs, along with a little experimentation along the way. A form of self-imposed self-medication. Avoiding the dark on of that side is to avoid the doctor's opiates advise.
I'm in a class,
We sit in chairs.
The teacher talks,
They listen and stare.

And I'm unfocused.

My pen is scratching,
My mind is clear,
The class is there,
And I am here.

And I should focus.

Oh, shit.
It's quiet.
Have I been caught?
This is something that I should not
Be doing
But I can't help it,
I'm trying to get it,
But my mind is flying,
And I'm sick of trying and
My brain is crying for
More than I'm offered and
DAMN IT!

I just can't focus.
Schizophrenic, Autistic, ADHD,
Each a mind of their own,
Who says it's wrong?
Just a different perspective,

What right do we have to say
That it's not okay
When so many of us 'normal' brains
Have got it all wrong?
After all

It's how you look at the world
And that's how they look at it.
Beautiful minds, beautiful minds
With wonderful thoughts of all kinds

I wish I could see
A taste of the world they call theirs
I wish I could feel
Their hearts racing along with their thoughts
I wish they would share their world with me

So that they wouldn't have to face
That colourful world on their own

I wish they would let me in
Instead of locking it up all inside
I wish I could share life with them
Instead of dying with every stride

Beautiful minds, beautiful minds
But they don't know that, do they?
They've never felt the world
From this side of the mind

I need to escape
Into their world
Because I wouldn't want to face
Mine.
28.05.2018
Autistic spectrum 'disorder' is just a different perspective of the world, just like each one of us do. Or is it?
IamThatGirl May 21
welcome to a house of terror, 
we are a family of smiling wall starers, 
this is a happy life you know, 
and this happend just a couple of years ago, 

I used to wake up and get dressed, 
hide from all of the rest,
as I speed away to school, 
I only felt like the world was cruel, 

when I finally go there, 
I used to hide next to the toilet-chair, 
because I needed some seconds to beath, 
before I went out and joined the heat. 
pushed, teased, beaten, kicked, defeat, 
I stood my grounds my my heart fell down. 

I went home thinking my day would come around, 
but it never did, I was always hellbound, 
nasty words and beatings was my usual greetings, 
until I took that gun and POPPED, 
no, but I wish I wouldnt have stopped, 

because now I still live in fear,
and I always wounder if the end is near.
This is a day in my 13year old life or well every in almost my entire life
IamThatGirl May 21
we live in a world where money means more than your life,
you have to work hard to support your kids and your wife,
nobody cares that while your child was in labor,
your wife died and your kid came out as her equal,

we live in a word where grades mean more than your life,
you need to get straight A´s in a system where they won´t help you advance,
you suffer from depression, ADHD and some more,
you are not a brat or just bored,
but they don´t care that last night you slit your own wrists with a blade,
come back to school today - you need to improve this grade.

we live in a world where looks mean more than your life,
you have to be attractive to get anything in life,
they don´t care if you are anorexic, bulimic or if you have social anxiety,
all they care about is that your scars can only be portrayed in your personal diary,

we live in a world where were locked in a cage and told what to do,
they tell us who we are, how to act, and what to do,
they do not care about our personal struggles,
they could care less if you were on the very brink of committing suicide,
as long as you don´t disturb their plan its fine,
you will be forgotten, if they struggle with it you will be called selfish, for hitting rock bottom - with your face first.
because they don´t get, they can´t imagine that your struggles was way worse than theirs, a lack of compassion splits us from the rest,
don´t expect no help when you scream in distress.
this is really personal to me as I right now am struggeling to keep living
IamThatGirl May 10
When everyone's asleep
I admit my defeat

When everyone celebrates 
My depression elevates 

Because while everyone is dreaming on
I stand frozen and watch my dreams burn on

And while everybody gather with family and friends
I stand lonesome and watch my world burn again
If I don't go out of bed again nothing bad can happen
IamThatGirl May 8
Depression is like a wall you have to climb to succeed,
depression is a rock pulling you down the stream,
depression allows all insecurities to take over,
depression holds you back from everything you love,
in the end only making it worse,
it feels like there is no where out,
just a blade on your wrist and pills in your mouth,
but Im not ready to give up allthough I have tried,
what Im ready for is making this depression -
die
Just a little description of how depression feels to me at this exact moment. I wont be going to school today either because every time I try to even think less do leave my dorm I break into a million pices and cry endlessly and I don’t like having panic attacks because the feeling of passing out is still new to me. ugh.
IamThatGirl May 4
My life would be so much better, if you just dropped dead,
because staring into your eyes makes me see red,
for all that you have done,
and all the hurt that you have caused,
you would think the beating would be the worst,
but its always the words that hit the hardest,
and its not like I had a helping father,

living in a middle class house,
driving in a middle class car,
my mother sat the bar,
and she raised it up too far,

so everything was to look perfect,
I was supposed to smile,
I was supposed to make it worth it,
I was supposed to be perfect,

so what happens next,
Its not like I passed all her test,
I passed none,
i was to much and she was too strong,

I still feel her beatings on my face,
but that´s not what ended me up in this place,
because her words hit the hardest,
she said she regretted the adoption,
and with every second the words always hit harder,

because I tried my very best to be perfect,
but with insomnia, ADHD, Asperger and more,
it was like glass shattered beneath my feet with each step,
and all I ever wanted was to be like the rest.
Haleigh Apr 30
Polite
Typical
Smiley
Daughter

Pointlessly
Trusting
School
District

Professor
Turns-blind-eye
Struggling
Drastically

Packets
Turn-to
Stacks
Deficient

Panic Attacks
Turn-to
Self
Destruction

Pulling
Teeth
Sick
Design

Plan­­s
To
Stop
Discussing

Peace
To-her
Silence
Disturbs

People
Talked
She
Distracted

Passed
The
Snacks-to
Dinners

Pulled
The
Same
Dimensions

Pre-K
Then
Smaller
Didn't

Pause
Third-Grade
So
Dead

Parents
Though
She
Drowned

Piled
Thoughts
Suffocated-her
Dexterity

Patient
There
Suffering
Depression

Problems
To-many-to
Score
Dispute

Progress
That
Shockingly
Developed

Potentially
Taken-away-the
Suffering
Dramatically

Poor
Tiny
Sweet
Doll

Par­­t
Traumatized
Sleep
Deprived

Phobic
though
Sixth grade
Doesn't

Play
Though
Six-Years-of
Death

Until... The little girl, learned she had,
Post
Traumatic
Stress
Disorder
and, school treating her badly is only one of her three traumatizing events.
IamThatGirl Apr 26
just breath, in and out
surround yourself with peace all around,
but when time stops and the instincts kick in,
that is when the horror story begins,
first I get cold and I feel so old,
then I get numb and feel like i´m suddenly dumb,
my mind turns to a cloud and all the sounds are so loud,
I start to shake violently like an earthquake,
remember to breath everyone always tells me,
but its hard when you loose all control,
and people telling you what to to gets so old,
panic setting in and there is really no words to describe the
stress i´m in.
either I ill finally calm down or I will collapse lifeless to the ground,
and what was the cause of all this horror?
I don´t know but I will wake up and go on like there is no tomorrow.
Im trying to gt in contact with the cause of my extream anxiety. And Im trying to word the feelings out to get a greater knowledge and hopefully work with it i therapy and make it a little better. My challenge to my next meeting is to be able to sit still in a chair without distracting myself for 20 seconds at the 20 second mark is usually when I start to hyperventilate. Wish me luck
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