Okay okay alright, I give up, you win, I surrender,
I’m waiving the white flag, I’ve had enough, need to sit down,
I’m folding the cards in my hands, laying them on the table,
wiping the sweat off my forehead then throwing in the towel,
been running so long legs’re about to give out want to give up,
& I don’t know how but I’m totally open to figuring it out,

relinquishing resentments, adopting pups, & releasing doves,
reducing defenses, developing myself for receiving the love,
needing some hugs, making amends, making out, & making up,
ready to give it all up right now, cuddle up & do snuggle stuff,
just to be fully present for you directly, for us, stepping up,
& I know this ADHD makes it difficult to focus,
but babe you know I’m dedicated to making it work out,
yes my mind gets easily divided at times but love will overcome,
I’ll tame my mind it can be undivided when in your presence,
until my death which will likely come when least expected,
like so many other legends that have passed away suddenly,
probably in a plane crash or other similar event wreckage,

RIP Aaliyah, once gone can’t Try Again,
RIP JFK, probably our only real president,
RIP Otis Redding,
show some R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Try A Little Tenderness,
RIP Rocky Marciano,
KO’d after the plane dove on his 46th birthday,
RIP Buddy Holly, RIP Ritchie Valens,
both died on the same plane, so gone, so long La Bamba,

the Brightest Lights always cast the Darkest Shadows,
the brighter the light the darker the hues,
it’s the 4th of July we’re on a lake in Chile,
enjoying the company & enjoying the views,
post solar eclipse glory letting go of any lingering regrets,
though I do wish She were here,
they say heartbreak makes the best art,
but I don’t know if the effects are worth the burn I feel,

only here for a moment, so tell me why you came,
want to love liberated, but still inside my self built cage,
you possess priority in my life, your impression left indentions,
& I’m still trying to learn, how to show non ****** affection,
but it’s difficult when you’ve been abused,
it’s different when you’ve never felt love that was pure,
so I’m still working on it all or nothing, it’s up to you to choose,
if you’re willing to work with me until I’m cured I’m yours,

Okay okay alright, I give up, you win, I surrender,
I’m waiving the white flag, I’ve had enough, need to sit down,
I’m folding the cards in my hands, laying them on the table,
wiping the sweat off my forehead then throwing in the towel,
been running so long legs’re about to give out want to give up,
& I don’t know how but I’m totally open to figuring it out…

∆ LaLux ∆

poem #80 from THHT3: The Hollywood Hills Trilogy 3
available worldwide here:
www.amazon.com/dp/B07XJRBSKD

WARNING:
This is a true story which might be distressing for some people
and hopefully may also be a kind of help or revelation for others.
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It was like a cut or rift in the soul which seemed to be fuelled by anxiety and the sometimes innocent presence of others where the sufferer or victim would mostly come out second best or worse still, as with a sense of loss, going away with the feeling of anguish knowing that one had somehow absorbed sponge-like all the negative vibes and crap of those who were close by or there around regardless of who or what they were and then later on having to pay the price alone by taking it out on themselves with the almost near endless and uncontrollable self expunging torture of the bad habit.

A living daily hell of pain and self doubt, lacking that much needed acquired gift of self confidence and assurance that all would be well in the hope of the future where one could look back here on the current situation or malady like a bad dream and perhaps even laugh thinking how could that have been happening at all and the causes of it, if there were any, so that it could be reversed for one to make amends or at least be normal again and not have to go through this problem any more which in some ways very much resembled the taking on of someone else's curse where no matter what one did to get rid of the **** problem they were confronted with, it always kept coming back at them like some merciless relentless demon that wouldn't stop until it stopped.

Only then would there be peace or a semblance of it after coming to one's senses by sensing the extent of the damage caused by the feverish non-stop action of the bad habit which they didn't want or need to do; thinking or even saying to themselves with anger or utter frustration that this has to stop once and for all and then regretfully attempting to cover up or hide the all so obvious affected area that was the result of the distressful action which targeted that prominent part of the body indiscriminately and then having to get rid of all the evidence and now useless pieces which once covered and formed that well rounded part of their body wondering with stark curiosity if anyone else in the world had the same condition that didn't seem likely to go away. Or, even for that matter, if one could have a period of time, for it to heal long enough for them to make some recovery and be able to get on with their life, whatever that now meant or was; at least to live and prove to themselves that they were in control of it; and if all the so called powers that be would grant them some kind of reprieve from whatever the hell was causing the problem to continue without any clear purpose other than that of self abasement and an apparent denial of their own worth and potential which was their precious birthright which many people would call, say and affirm to be a God given existence and inheritance where no one had the right to take it away from anyone else regardless of whatever had happened in the dim past, being now more or less forgotten, not having any real or tangible reality other than that which one thought it may have in their mind and soul by a deep psychological wound like that of perhaps a post traumatic disorder where the original harm of whatever happened in the past still lingered in some way and had not been treated or healed.

Yet there were days, weeks and even months that would go by seemingly and  surprisingly relatively free of the problem but it would gradually once again find its way back to wreak more havoc and dismay on the already fragile life of the individual who had been suffering for most of their life with the unusual condition in a shroud of silence unseen except by those who were helpless to do anything about it only to ask questions of why and how was it going on, not really suspecting for one moment that they themselves were contributing to the ongoing pain and anguish of the person suffering with the above illness and were also somehow partly responsible for the cause both mentally and physically of the condition called or known in medical terms as “….............”, a form of ADHD, which was also known as the “Trickster” because whether one liked it or not and regardless of what one did to avoid doing the **** thing, it would sooner or later find its way back to plague those who were afflicted even though they knew that it was something they didn't want or need to have anything to do with at all.

Healing eventually came gradually after that person's immediate family had passed away when living by themselves for a few years but still in the same house where all the action had been taking place previously over most of the years, though it even occurred elsewhere as well irrespective of where they would go but seemed to abate for a while at least when away from the rest of the family and other people, and it also seemed upon reflection that it came as a blessing or some kind of reprieve from beyond the grave because for one thing there was no one else around to thwart one's effort or self determination to stop and live a normal life without the intermittent and unwanted action of the self debasing bad habit when the person afflicted then began taking some Chinese nutritional supplement that they had originally bought for the well being of a relative who had passed away a few years before, of which packaged contents were found partly unused and stored away in an area on the kitchen bench.

Another factor which contributed to the healing of the deep psychological wound was the use of, it seems, various powerful brain hacking software in the form of binaural sounds that some entrepreneurs, pioneers of a new science of awareness, had discovered, developed and made available under different guises with their own creative genius or interpretation, which had to be listened to by using a set of headphones with eyes closed as in meditation and under specific instructions that the user was not to do anything else while listening at some convenient time of the day or night, and to drink some water before and after the session, whenever they could find the necessary time to undergo the building of new neural pathways between the right and left hemispheres of the brain which was emphasised as being the beneficial action taking place by listening to these sounds that were played together and along with other relaxing music to avoid the monotony of the repetitive nature of the binaural beats or sounds in the form of mainly: alpha, beta, theta, delta, and gamma wavelengths that represented the normal and deeper levels or layers of consciousness that were scientifically proven to exist by years of research monitoring those who were in fact either Buddhist monks or some other neo, pro or non-denominational class of meditation practitioners that had participated in a scientific research program.
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Sometimes healing comes by itself when a person learns how to be their own best friend and works with nature rather than against it away from exposure to unnecessary or overwhelming negative influences and undergoes that discipline which facilitates the much sought after healing response in a conducive environment.
________

brain's running on a train track
destination's outta wack
no station in sight
breaks off left and right
no telling
where my mind
will go

There was an H
Added to my disease

I liked it more
When it helped me see

There is value added
In quick thinking