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Renee Jun 18
the bathrooms need cleaned and we're out of milk
there's dust on every surface
two weeks' worth of laundry in a corner of the bedroom while
I sit in the basement playing games and watching a
tv show at the same time to shut off the feeling that


I should be doing better than this
executive dysfunciton
brandy Jun 11
i have so many individual thoughts
in my mind
to the point where
i don't need to zoom out
for it to look like
a black ink spill of nothingness
brandy Jun 10
i remember this one conversation
with such clarity it alarms me
in the dead of night
with a longing for ecstasy
seeping through his tone he asked me,
"could..you imagine....what..life...would be like...if we weren't..mentally ill?"
and with that question
my hanging heart
sunk even lower into its pit
due to jealousy and frustration
for my cursed blessing
and i was confused on how
for i had believed my heart already laid
at what i'd thought to be
rock bottom
well besides that,
he did provoke me
to question
is there is a chance
for my heart to find
its rightful place
in my body
yet again?
and maybe along with it
all of my chemical receptors,
and my neurological network of pathways
could all find their own
harmonious balance and natural sources
of dopamine, serotonin, and epinephrine
and have them work "flaw"lessly  
just, way they were originally created to
when the goddess of mental
crafted these things with such care
and gifted those beautifully painful things
to humankind
****
the unholy things i'd do to obtain
the goddess of neurotypicality's
scientific? spiritual? situational?
whatever the **** is in her elixir of secret
for mental peace and serenity
that few were blessed with unconditionally
to me it just sounds like magic
but back to him the only way i could reply
was with,
"i could only dream"
for i believe
in a lifetime of mine past
i may may have made a deal
with the devil of neurodiversity,
a fallen angel without malice,
who simply forgot
to grant me the knowledge  
of how i would be reborn
into a world
where its society
would be unfit for me and my kind of mind
and with that thought lingering i added,
"but yeah...it must be nice"
try. to start loving yourself unconditionally and in entirety my dear, it's the very least of what you deserve, when you inhabit a world that will rarely show love or understanding to your uniquely beautiful soul. your road will be long, you will trip many times, and you will gather as many scars mental, as you possess physical.
but if you keep sailing through your hardships, you will eventually find your own way to keep wind in your sails, at some point in time during your story. i will always be proud when i see you inch forward into the unknown, and i pray you stick around, through your many obstacles, for your many turning points ahead. as those turning points are always the best part to any story plot when you look back from the future. please try to remember that turning points only follow major and minor falls (however you see fit to call them) or when the weight built up from the many falls in your past, start to feel like they're all crushing you at once.
there is always rain before there is sunshine. i beg you to try to hold on trough the storms until the clouds shift and the wind calms so that you can dance in the sunlight again. i promise you, you will dance again.
i just can't tell you exactly when
   ~The Devil of Neurodiversity
they told me that i am deficient of attention,
but how can that be when i have memorized
every freckle dotted on your cheekbones and
every white-tipped scar mapped across your skin?
maybe it's because my mind can't make room for
anything else, because you are all i see when i close
my eyes and the first thing i see when i open them

they told me that my depression is in remission,
like a cancer that has spread throughout my body
only to go dormant, to lay quiet just beneath the
surface, waiting to try to drag us down yet again.
they told me that this was good news, i can be happy,
but all i could hear was the sound of the tide
always waiting for its turn to take me out to sea

they told me that i sit on the borderline of two states
of existence, subject to the shift between love and hate
and passion and wrath and infatuation and heartbreak,
always trying to ask you which person i should be.
like the flower i used to pluck the petals from
in my youth, constantly whispering to myself,
"i love you, i love you not, i love you, i love you not."

they told me that this means that i can get better now,
that putting names to the faces of the skeletons in my
closet will allow me to bury them in their rightful place,
that i can finally learn to ease my grip and let things go.
but it has taken almost two decades to find my way here,
to finally answer the question of what is wrong with me,
and the journey to get here was long, and i am tired.
may is mental health awareness month, for those that don't know.
i had my first therapy session at the age of 11, and i'm now 29.
i was finally diagnosed just a couple of weeks ago.
adhd, major depressive disorder (recurrent),
and possibly also borderline personality disorder.
it feels strange for someone to finally answer a question that
i've been asking for so long.
i'm not really sure where to go from here.
but i do know that i feel a sense of relief, and that it
feels like i can loosen my chokehold on life a little bit.
i don't wanna be the person who tells you that it gets better,
because i'm still working on how to get there myself,
but i do wanna suggest that you always hold onto hope that it can.
wishing you all the best.
may 4, 2021.
Juliana Apr 25
twenty students in
perfect little rows
worker bees in training

a crooked child
shakes his hand
a silent celebration

he knows the answer

it is not one
of math or science

he cannot tell you
who won the war
but he can tell you
what makes the world
beautiful

he can tell you
that knowledge is
about more than
just facts

that what’s interesting
isn’t always what’s
important

behind those
failing grades and
messy locker
is a child who longs
to learn
a child who is
smart
a child who
isn’t meant to be
just another
worker bee

some children
are meant for more
then the target
of a flower
Juliana Apr 25
my lips
are a doorjamb
blocking all
but a wail

my words succinct
yet you cannot
hear them
Juliana Apr 25
my attention is deficit
like a bird with no worms
to find

he teleports
to his next location
a jolt of electricity
popping
from one streetlamp
to the other

never soaring
he has no wings to flap
Jaxey Apr 8
"I feel nothing"
she said
as she lied down
on the cold empty road
not knowing which direction to go

"what's it like"
I asked her
over the phone
while stuck in traffic
just trying to get to work
Mom, Dad
Why can't you see the pain I'm in
I know I don't tell you anything
Or let you in to see
But you should know me

I know you don't believe in psychology
But still you should see
That my mental health is crumbling
You can't deny
That you aren't doing anything to save my life

You can't save me from anything
Not the undiagnosed ADHD
Not the undiagnosed Anorexia Nervosa
Not the undiagnosed Anxiety
I'm breaking but you aren't trying to save me

Not from the undiagnosed depression
Or the undiagnosed body dysmorphia
Or the anger issues you gave me
Why do you have to run from the truth
That psychology is true

You never tried to protect me from the ones who broke my heart
The the man who tried to touch me
When you where just a floor above me
You may believe its just a phase
But the broken has set in and its here to stay

If you would just open your eyes
To the truth
Then maybe
Just maybe
I'd let my walls down for you

But until you come to your senses
I'll wait here in  pain
For you to come and push it away
Hug me till you arms ache
And wipe the tears from my face

I know that one day
You will open your eyes
And I know that I'm a pain
But for right now my only complaint
Is that you let me go undiagnosed
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