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ANH Sep 27
If a cloud must release its aggressions into rain than I should with mine.
Release some unfathomable emotion too heavy to bear into the abyss of life so that for a moment I can feel.
Just feel and nothing else.
Feel and do what I wish without all that painful noise that just keeps banging in my head.
For once I’d like to do what I must without having to drag my brain so it can meet my heart
So that I can finally dance that dance I’ve been wishing for.
Yet I never budge from needless distraction to needless distraction fogging the path and blinding my will.
And I just hurt and keep it in.
Just build all the hurt and self-inflicted shame and pain
and stow it away
While I continue on my half-assed existence.
No one knows when that sweet recipe poisons the heart until its too late.
So much turmoil cannot exist inside a soul no matter what.
And I begin to molt and malfunction trying to hold my broken self together amongst the storm in my heart.
It becomes so difficult to just be human when on the precipice of breaking down.
You can’t even find the strength to eat let alone smile.
It ***** your marrow and leaves you frail to touch.
One even goes the length of finding different cures to try to rid themselves of this ache doesn’t sustain any life it latches itself on.
Although it’s never quite enough to stop the pain completely.
Even with the perfect magic potion, made to adjust the chemicals in your head, it might not work completely.
One must take it in themselves to make a change as well and release all those fears collected by the years in open air
and continue to do just that.
Know that there’ll always be storms in the heart that will try to devastate your life.
Let the rain flow from your mind as I’ll try with mine.
And maybe then the sun will come out once again.
Aaron LaLux Sep 17
Okay okay alright, I give up, you win, I surrender,
I’m waiving the white flag, I’ve had enough, need to sit down,
I’m folding the cards in my hands, laying them on the table,
wiping the sweat off my forehead then throwing in the towel,
been running so long legs’re about to give out want to give up,
& I don’t know how but I’m totally open to figuring it out,

relinquishing resentments, adopting pups, & releasing doves,
reducing defenses, developing myself for receiving the love,
needing some hugs, making amends, making out, & making up,
ready to give it all up right now, cuddle up & do snuggle stuff,
just to be fully present for you directly, for us, stepping up,
& I know this ADHD makes it difficult to focus,
but babe you know I’m dedicated to making it work out,
yes my mind gets easily divided at times but love will overcome,
I’ll tame my mind it can be undivided when in your presence,
until my death which will likely come when least expected,
like so many other legends that have passed away suddenly,
probably in a plane crash or other similar event wreckage,

RIP Aaliyah, once gone can’t Try Again,
RIP JFK, probably our only real president,
RIP Otis Redding,
show some R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Try A Little Tenderness,
RIP Rocky Marciano,
KO’d after the plane dove on his 46th birthday,
RIP Buddy Holly, RIP Ritchie Valens,
both died on the same plane, so gone, so long La Bamba,

the Brightest Lights always cast the Darkest Shadows,
the brighter the light the darker the hues,
it’s the 4th of July we’re on a lake in Chile,
enjoying the company & enjoying the views,
post solar eclipse glory letting go of any lingering regrets,
though I do wish She were here,
they say heartbreak makes the best art,
but I don’t know if the effects are worth the burn I feel,

only here for a moment, so tell me why you came,
want to love liberated, but still inside my self built cage,
you possess priority in my life, your impression left indentions,
& I’m still trying to learn, how to show non ****** affection,
but it’s difficult when you’ve been abused,
it’s different when you’ve never felt love that was pure,
so I’m still working on it all or nothing, it’s up to you to choose,
if you’re willing to work with me until I’m cured I’m yours,

Okay okay alright, I give up, you win, I surrender,
I’m waiving the white flag, I’ve had enough, need to sit down,
I’m folding the cards in my hands, laying them on the table,
wiping the sweat off my forehead then throwing in the towel,
been running so long legs’re about to give out want to give up,
& I don’t know how but I’m totally open to figuring it out…

∆ LaLux ∆

poem #80 from THHT3: The Hollywood Hills Trilogy 3
available worldwide here:
serpentinium Aug 18
a girl nervously swinging
her legs, fingers drumming
on paint-stained tables, rocking
in a broken plastic chair, curling
her short brown hair around her
index finger as if it could somehow
anchor her to the classroom and not
the thousands of thoughts that cluttered
her mind.

a girl who slept through class,
unable to be roused by her
well-meaning teacher; a yawn
stuck perpetually in her throat,
head nodding to a lullaby
composed of multiplication
tables, laughter, stories spoken
aloud, rain that hit the
windows in stuttering staccatos.

a girl who never learned to
study, who couldn’t understand
how someone could open a
textbook and read it—how
someone could set out to do a
task and not feel like their mind
was a jungle of vines and pitfalls and
quicksand, full of venomous, life-draining,
beasts. “how do you tame them?” she asked,
only to be met with wolfish laughter.

{silly girl, you can’t tame something that
doesn’t exist.)

a girl who felt failure in her heart--
in the way it quivered like a hare
caught in a trap whenever grades were
given out, as if the number at the top
of the page was a sword to fall upon;
better to fail without trying, to settle the
point of the blade just below her sternum,
to choose a painless death then to risk
trying and experience an even greater
sense of failure—to become the
disappointment she feared was
her only birthright.

{silly girl, stupid girl, lazy girl, “stubborn as a bull” girl,
girl without manners, girl born impulsive,
girl in a cage, girl struck by lightning,
girl without a future, girl that became an animal.)

a girl with a Sisyphus-shaped
hole in her heart, pushing her
burdens up the infinitesimal
steps of academia, jealous of
the ease in which her classmates
walked up the stairs, their
burdens as light as a few notebooks.

a girl with answers, decades later,
still struggling, but unlearning
helplessness—stepping out of
her cage, one hesitant footstep
at a time, the beasts in her head
whining softly, circling her heels,
always a lunge away from sinking
their teeth into her flesh.

she regards them with pity, stroking
their soft fur, gazing into the coal-black
eyes of her greatest fears—and thanks
them one by one for the pain, for the
tears, for the loneliness, because while
they taught her many horrible things,
they also taught her that she could
as i wasn't diagnosed w/ adhd until last yr around the time i turned 22, i've had a long & complicated journey w/ academia. i may look academically successful on the outside, but it was at a terrible cost: my self esteem. in other words, it's never too late to get help & you'll be so happy that you did.
George Krokos Aug 13
This is a true story which might be distressing for some people
and hopefully may also be a kind of help or revelation for others.
It was like a cut or rift in the soul which seemed to be fuelled by anxiety and the sometimes innocent presence of others where the sufferer or victim would mostly come out second best or worse still, as with a sense of loss, going away with the feeling of anguish knowing that one had somehow absorbed sponge-like all the negative vibes and crap of those who were close by or there around regardless of who or what they were and then later on having to pay the price alone by taking it out on themselves with the almost near endless and uncontrollable self expunging torture of the bad habit.

A living daily hell of pain and self doubt, lacking that much needed acquired gift of self confidence and assurance that all would be well in the hope of the future where one could look back here on the current situation or malady like a bad dream and perhaps even laugh thinking how could that have been happening at all and the causes of it, if there were any, so that it could be reversed for one to make amends or at least be normal again and not have to go through this problem any more which in some ways very much resembled the taking on of someone else's curse where no matter what one did to get rid of the **** problem they were confronted with, it always kept coming back at them like some merciless relentless demon that wouldn't stop until it stopped.

Only then would there be peace or a semblance of it after coming to one's senses by sensing the extent of the damage caused by the feverish non-stop action of the bad habit which they didn't want or need to do; thinking or even saying to themselves with anger or utter frustration that this has to stop once and for all and then regretfully attempting to cover up or hide the all so obvious affected area that was the result of the distressful action which targeted that prominent part of the body indiscriminately and then having to get rid of all the evidence and now useless pieces which once covered and formed that well rounded part of their body wondering with stark curiosity if anyone else in the world had the same condition that didn't seem likely to go away. Or, even for that matter, if one could have a period of time, for it to heal long enough for them to make some recovery and be able to get on with their life, whatever that now meant or was; at least to live and prove to themselves that they were in control of it; and if all the so called powers that be would grant them some kind of reprieve from whatever the hell was causing the problem to continue without any clear purpose other than that of self abasement and an apparent denial of their own worth and potential which was their precious birthright which many people would call, say and affirm to be a God given existence and inheritance where no one had the right to take it away from anyone else regardless of whatever had happened in the dim past, being now more or less forgotten, not having any real or tangible reality other than that which one thought it may have in their mind and soul by a deep psychological wound like that of perhaps a post traumatic disorder where the original harm of whatever happened in the past still lingered in some way and had not been treated or healed.

Yet there were days, weeks and even months that would go by seemingly and  surprisingly relatively free of the problem but it would gradually once again find its way back to wreak more havoc and dismay on the already fragile life of the individual who had been suffering for most of their life with the unusual condition in a shroud of silence unseen except by those who were helpless to do anything about it only to ask questions of why and how was it going on, not really suspecting for one moment that they themselves were contributing to the ongoing pain and anguish of the person suffering with the above illness and were also somehow partly responsible for the cause both mentally and physically of the condition called or known in medical terms as “….............”, a form of ADHD, which was also known as the “Trickster” because whether one liked it or not and regardless of what one did to avoid doing the **** thing, it would sooner or later find its way back to plague those who were afflicted even though they knew that it was something they didn't want or need to have anything to do with at all.

Healing eventually came gradually after that person's immediate family had passed away when living by themselves for a few years but still in the same house where all the action had been taking place previously over most of the years, though it even occurred elsewhere as well irrespective of where they would go but seemed to abate for a while at least when away from the rest of the family and other people, and it also seemed upon reflection that it came as a blessing or some kind of reprieve from beyond the grave because for one thing there was no one else around to thwart one's effort or self determination to stop and live a normal life without the intermittent and unwanted action of the self debasing bad habit when the person afflicted then began taking some Chinese nutritional supplement that they had originally bought for the well being of a relative who had passed away a few years before, of which packaged contents were found partly unused and stored away in an area on the kitchen bench.

Another factor which contributed to the healing of the deep psychological wound was the use of, it seems, various powerful brain hacking software in the form of binaural sounds that some entrepreneurs, pioneers of a new science of awareness, had discovered, developed and made available under different guises with their own creative genius or interpretation, which had to be listened to by using a set of headphones with eyes closed as in meditation and under specific instructions that the user was not to do anything else while listening at some convenient time of the day or night, and to drink some water before and after the session, whenever they could find the necessary time to undergo the building of new neural pathways between the right and left hemispheres of the brain which was emphasised as being the beneficial action taking place by listening to these sounds that were played together and along with other relaxing music to avoid the monotony of the repetitive nature of the binaural beats or sounds in the form of mainly: alpha, beta, theta, delta, and gamma wavelengths that represented the normal and deeper levels or layers of consciousness that were scientifically proven to exist by years of research monitoring those who were in fact either Buddhist monks or some other neo, pro or non-denominational class of meditation practitioners that had participated in a scientific research program.
Sometimes healing comes by itself when a person learns how to be their own best friend and works with nature rather than against it away from exposure to unnecessary or overwhelming negative influences and undergoes that discipline which facilitates the much sought after healing response in a conducive environment.
Written early in 2018. Based on actual first hand experience. If anyone would like to find out more information on anything mentioned above or is seeking help for a similar personal problem or perhaps is trying to help someone else just let me know with a comment or send me a PM.
ab Aug 10
the more you open
the can of worms
that is your vulnerability

the more i realize
how you see yourself
and how i see you

while you hold
firm in the face
of my tears and frustrations

you respond to yours
by withdrawing,
by retreating,
by ignoring texts and
holding your breath

i retreat as well.

communication terrifies me
i have always avoided it
until now

i am more scared of
what would happen
if i kept quiet.

i oh-so-often want
you to know

i can see you building
yourself back up
from rubble

pulling through life
is the hardest thing
you could do

and guess what,
you’re doing it.

your beauty radiates
from every smile,
every kiss,
every breath.

you’re the only one
who has told me i was beautiful
and i believed it.

when i listed my diagnoses
you joked about taking notes
but it wasn’t a joke

you took those notes

they sit, whirring behind your eyes,
reminding you that perhaps
our brains work in sync

“unspecified” we laughed,
something bad happened,
i just don’t get the nightmares.

i haven’t really told you
what that trauma was,

you’ve seen me shut down
because the idea of you
drinking that
was too much

i’ve lashed out at
unexpected intoxication

but the wheels spun faster
when i told you what we share,
when the anger bubbled up,
“how didn’t they know sooner?”

but in reality,

we function poorly

but together we balance -
i make plans so
we can be impulsive

you hold me closer
when i shiver at night
~you are beautiful in every aspect of the word
Keiri Aug 6
Social introverts and a shy extroverts.
Dyslectics grading better in spelling.
Deaf children who know more words.
People with anxiety better at selling.

Kids with ADHD who are more calm.
Autistics who can relate better.
Paralysed people able to feel their palm.
A blind person ready to read every letter.

Who could guess their equality.
Could you imagine, you can't tell 'em appart?
Who could even think of such a society.
Just look at this, humanity's piece of art!

Who could imagine I'm one of ''them''.
One alike you and the rest of this place.
For we all are a different kind of gem.
All shining in our own simple grace.

If there's a ''them'' and there's an ''us''.
But none can tell one from another.
Is there a ''them'' at all, thus.
Then why a ''them'', it's only a bother.
What is disabled these days. After studying the brain and the basics of psychology, all I've ever learned is that we know nothing. Why make a different if we're all the same. And why, when we're all so different, group people who are alike, because no one is a copy of another, yet no one is different at all.
Day Jun 27
brain's running on a train track
destination's outta wack
no station in sight
breaks off left and right
no telling
where my mind
will go
a quickly typed out poem about my adult struggle with ADHD
Risteard o'C Jun 12
I’m a ten digit
fidget; a cluster
****** mind.
a sand-hopping
hopper of the
trampoline kind.

I’m a bouncing-
bounce bouncer,
with cerebral jelly.
I’ll tap, tap, tap.
fidget finger, knee
or welly.

talk ten steps ahead,
talk five steps back.
roundy roundy garden
like a teddy-cadillac.

I’m a remote zapping addict;
buttonitis of the soul.
and finish your sentence…
I’m a pain in the whole!
... yeah... explain this one... where would I start? AD-what?
There was an H
Added to my disease

I liked it more
When it helped me see

There is value added
In quick thinking
Reclamation Project
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