Being trapped in a corner
Where everything stops
Comes crashing down in a torrent of voices.
Echoing the same self loathing
That you beat every day, and lose to every day.
Looking desperately for a way out
Ready to sell your soul to the wrong buyer
For a quick gratification
Or just a way out.
Cave in, but can’t save him.
Jerking in his sleep but it’s not working
It won’t stop. His head is unlocked
Because he left his keys out of the lockbox
Struggling to breathe.
It’s only been 3 minutes
And then everything stopped.
And he became numb again.
Still twitching. Still feeling it. But buried.
Ice over the water’s surface
i give them my executables and
ask them to reverse engineer me
to look into my code for reasons
reasons that i'm not just broken
not just slow
not just bad
if these letters
on this line
that i am programmed to worry
then it is not my fault
not my fault that
i have wasted years
years of my life in fear
it's just a bug
looping too many times
using too many clock cycles
my code may be broken, but
if it is broken
then i am not
maybe, just maybe
i am a good processor
given bad code.
not my fault.
no one could blame me.
it would mean
i do what i am told to
what i am told to do is
my programmers are lazy -
when i find
a function in my code
that never works
and they say
"that code is fine"
why does it never run?
something must be wrong with me after all
me, myself, the processor
i don't do what i am told
but no, no, no
i don't want that
i can't be broken, overheating, dusty
the code must be wrong
it must be
so i look again and again and again
i lose myself in my code
i click and click and click
2x more and 2x more and 2x more
COMT and DRD4 and ANKK1
rs53576 and rs7794745 and rs1858830
lower risk and normal risk and higher risk
of the same thing
in me at once
overwriting each other
there is no code to add risk objects
and no one knows
they make a group or a ring or a field
like dividing by zero.
but it's useless in the real world.
just like me.
i look for more code
for more functions
for more comments
more more more
give me more
take my rights
make me open source
as long as i can see me too.
602,000 lines are not enough
not when i run millions
stick your wires in my veins
take the code from my blood
i need to see it all
i need to know
that i am a good little processor
even if i am doomed to
run BASIC and
a million GOTO statements
and ugly ugly spaghetti code
i am still good.
I mourned my childhood; that daydreamin' boy of the past walking in the woods with friends.
Sweet child that knew no bounds.
This laughing kid with his head in the clouds.
Darn the dreams that flew away; given my chance, in that past I would stay.
A eulogy for the electric being I once was; no current was ever strong enough to hold forever.
Theres a disconnect right now from me and my relationships
But its just me
Its always just me
Its always just my head getting in the way of everything
I can’t be happy for too long before depression misses the stage
I can’t be calm for too long before anxiety decides to shine a light
And I can’t ever focus because adhd is just bouncing around
I’m incapable of thinking and feeling happiness
Because every time I do
I just shut it down
I’m so scared of new feelings and I’ve had depression my whole life
My depression has become my sleeping blanket
Its black and soft and darkens my world
But I keep it because my mother gave it to me when I was young
I used to be young
I used to see a future
But now all I see is a funeral for a girl who aged 20
Barely made it through university before deciding to take her life
Life is just so hard and stressful and I’m only 17
I’ve had depression my whole life and growing old just seems like a waste of time
Everything is a waste of time because even me breathing is a waste of breath
Everyone says that I shouldn’t deny the world of my greatness
But what if I lose the fake smile
What if I lose to ability to get out of bed
Because its 9pm right now and I already don’t wanna see the morning
I haven’t written in a month because my boyfriend is just always around
But now that its winter and he’s busy, I write again
I write about suicide
I write about depression
I write about anxiety
I write about adhd
But writing or talking or cuddling will never make it go away
My family will always be in the dark to how much I wanna die
My boyfriend will always push away the thought of me dying and avoid the topic because this actually scares him
My friends will always be worried when going to bed, that I’m not going to say ‘good morning’ the next day
I am just a burden
But I’m a burden who’s trying to stay alive but I think I’m failing
For fuck's sake.
How did we end up here again?
The soothing, annoying word flickers on my blue-back lit screen and I am thrust back to the tumultuous moment when once upon a time it yelled bipolar.
And here we go again.
My thoughts flick, flit, floss between teeth made for biting and real meat. They need plaque, collection, to grow and accumulate mass to progress. But there my flicking thoughts go, flossing.
I've always struggled focusing, but I just got excitable, got manic, and it would solve everything. Mania was my monster, my red bull, and now that its sated and off to Wonderland...
I'm left here, face to face, with a twitchy white rabbit wondering why I would ever think to use my pretty little head when its such a good projectile into the sky.
I had always wondered, in those whispering nights, when my hands couldn't stop moving and my head wouldn't shut up, if something was wrong. But it was silly, I had two already, full of worry then full of poles. Couldn't be another, could it?
Of course, a Grace of Wonderland always knows best, and here we are. Another bottle to drink to keep me sane.
I wonder if my fingers will thank the capsules when I might stop biting them? Or my toes? Is this why my toes always twitch and dance, why they stand center-stage in so many of my mild fantasies? After all these years, the divas that my lower digits have become may not appreciate losing their star titles.
I just want to be fine. I want to figure out how to move beyond all the strange misfires in my head. How did I survive so long without a notice? Inflates my ego to know I should have been caught by now.
Guess just like the White Rabbit, despite my widgets and worries, no one can stop me from running when I'm madly, absolutely, refusing to be late.
Graces only knows to fight with fire and fists. Tis the state of my Wonderland, and perhaps now things will only get better.
A school boy
Who can't stop
Moving and won't
Stop talking or saying
Stuff that's out of the topic
He will be a kind man who
Won't give up on his hopes
Or dreams he always has
He will often laugh and
Dance and moonwalk
Putting a smile on
But some will
Taunt him and
Cackle at his antics
Some will think he is
Mad, crazy or energetic
He will struggle through life
But he will climb mountains and
He will scream for millions to hear
......................He is smart....................
I wish I knew how to feel ten times bigger than myself
but I get so lost in the swarm that is me, that is inside of me
this being and entity that I am sometimes too out of touch with
and sometimes I can't separate myself from
I need to feel you, I need to feel that you feel me and I need to know that you see me
but I can't even see myself
can't even fix myself
I get so lost in the sadness that comes from constant failure and I lose touch with all the love that surrounds me
animals who loves me, the man who loves me
I want a man who tells me he needs his girl
you always need your girl
I love you so much
I love you so much for wanting me
I feel like you love me despite of who I am, how I am, who I am, how I am....
what separates my actions from who I am as a person, as a partner?
I may forget everything else, but I will never forget my love for you
I will never forget the pain that comes from just the thought of losing you
I want this to work, I want to work, I want to make this work
I can't' lose myself, but I myself am lost
I can't lose this, I can't lose you
what am I to do?
Where will we be in ten years time, will we love each other still or will our frustrations stopped our hearts from feeling the love despite what we are together?
I want you to love me for who I am, I need you to love me for who I am
not despite who I am...
I need to love me for who I am
not despite who I am