if i took my life,
the clouds would continue to form,
and the earth would still spin like it always has.
every day,
millions of children would take millions of buses to millions of schools,
and no one would know my name or my story.
no one would care enough to try to learn it.

if i took my life,
they'd light a candle or two in memory,
but only for a day.
girls with fake tears would claim they cared about me.
i had never talked to them before.
still, they'd lie.

if i took my life,
every flower would continue to grow,
every tree would still stand tall.
every child would look up into their mother's eyes, just the same as always.
the world wouldn't change because of another death, another loss.
and i'd be happier.

happier than i am now, at least.
i've had a rough couple days.
Kit Feb 28
You take me apart with every touch
These walls of reserve crumble like sand with each caress, with every breath

I beg you take me, unravel me
I reach out for you
As I disintegrate, but touch nothing but empty hands.
Andrew Ewen Feb 28
I've experienced OCD, anxiety and depression.
I've been in the depths of despair.
There have been times where I'm always afraid something terrible will happen.
There have been many nights where I've doubted I will wake up in the morning.
Days where I constantly do routine after routine, making me feel mentally exhausted.
Wondering if my life will always be like this, if I'll always be worrying for the rest of my life.
The best way to describe it, is I was in constant fear.
If you want to enjoy your life, face your fears and stand up to them.
Blake Feb 23
There is absolutely no way that works.
“Cheer up.”
“It’s all in your head.”
“Just drink more water!”
“Meditation helps me when I’m sad.”
Stop it. Just stop it. Nothing is as simple as that.
See, when you’re like me, nothing is simple. Can you guess why? That’s right! Depression, anxiety, stress, sensory overloads, exhaustion, insomnia - and meditation, you say?
Tell someone with lung cancer, “Oh, it’s all in your lungs. Just stop having cancer!” Can’t do that, can you? It’s not right, it doesn’t work that way. Maybe if you stopped treating disorders like emotions, and more like physical illnesses, you wouldn’t deserve a punch in the nose every second of every day of your life.
Death isn’t as simple as 1-2-3, and neither is life. Stop trying to sum it up in a sentence or two. The chemicals IN MY BRAIN tell me to feel, to hurt, to die. Don’t you think I’ve tried to solve it on my own? To get help? Therapy boosts my anxiety to the roof. Medication makes me impulsive and angry. But I still do it anyway, because, hey, it’s not gonna fix itself.
Oh, go on, continue to joke about it. Tell me you want to end it all because your mom yelled at you for not doing the dishes. Maybe I could take a whole buncha’ pills, I told myself, on January 2nd. Perhaps I should get a lighter, a knife, or chemicals, I told myself, on January 16th. Maybe drowning wouldn’t be so bad, I told myself, on February 20th. I even tried it.
Tell me you have OCD because you like your room clean, or your notes organized. OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER is about repeating thoughts and actions. Obsessive-compulsive people are usually messier than neurotypicals. The handwriting, the organization - it’s not present.
Stop. Shut up. You can’t say anything about this unless you have the papers.
idk Feb 19
I stopped writing.
Not because I fell out of love with it...
My emotions just seemed to disappear.

I started a new medication.
The doctor said it would help my panic disorder, and it did.
I took that pill, like my mother talks to God (every morning).

When I went back to the doctor she said we had to up the dosage because apparently having 2 panic attacks a week still isn't okay.
I told her that when I woke up this morning I got out of bed without crying, but she didn't consider that as much of a victory as I did.

When I was put on a higher dosage, my emotions shut down.
After a few weeks I stopped crying, my OCD got better, my panic attacks were gone, and I could even go into the student union of my college campus without my heart trying to win a race against my thoughts.

I could breathe.

But, I also stopped having fun.
I felt like a stranger in my own body.
My emotions found the exit on the plane and jumped, never to be found again.

Since when did being able to breathe require me to feel like this?
Amy Feb 16
I feel trapped.
My hands shake as I wash them over and over
The freezing water drips from my fingers
I have to be clean

I flinch away.
My friend backs off, her eyes wide
I don't like the contact, it scares me
I must not get touched by germs

I'm tired and awake.
The stars outside my window are bright
I can't sleep because of them
I need darkness

I'm terrified.
I've been told I hoard things
Apparently, I need to get rid of my things
I can't lose anything

I want everything to end.
But I can't do anything
I want to end myself but I can't
I don't know what to do

Obsessive. Compulsive. Disorder.
I need help.
I had to do a drama performance at school about OCD and I had to research about it. I guess I wrote a poem as well *shrugs*
Akira Feb 14
When I was thirteen,
I was anxious about my obsessive rituals,
Didn't expect that it was Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
And once you have it, it will never leave you.
Even at night, when I go to bed.
My mind drowns in waves of questions.
Have I washed my hands?
Are these plates clean enough?
Did I close the door?
Have I drank enough water?
It was hard for me,
The repetitions,
The struggle of everything turning into endless cycles          

When I was fourteen, I said,
"Mom? I'm having these kind of rituals."
I said, "Mom? Am I getting better?"
Well, mom thinks it's normal. But it's not.      
Well, I feel something bad and I feel that the world was against me, that the rituals were indeed sempiternal.

When I was fifteen,
My Obsessive Compulsive Disorder had completely risen up to another level.
I feel anxious, I feel bad, I feel that I am slowly sinking into an ocean filled with unspoken mysteries.
And every time, I try not to listen to those voices, those voices seem unable for me to conquer, those voices become higher than my power.

So when I turned sixteen,
I wished the life of a genuinely normal teen.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is like a spell, a lifetime spell.
A spell that covers me, that controls me,
a spell with dirty hands that touch my soul.
And yet people think I'm crazy, I'm insane, that I'm hopeless, but the truth is I need help. I need people to stop the judgements and please understand my condition.
Em Quinn Feb 13
there are...
cruel fireworks,
booming behind my back.
you seem to think that makes you better.
i think that's not right.
mistakes are made sometimes,
it comes with life.
just as a wave in the sea lasts only a few moments,
a regretful choice only takes toll as long as you let it.
so why?
i've said my apologies,
i've tried to keep moving forward.
your feet stick to conflict as if it is tar,
and your words crash in an ear that is deaf to the noise.
recently i recieved a hearing aid,
composed of a cold depression.
it looks for those words and now,
i cannot ignore them.
i'm sorry, and i'll say it a million times.
but despite this new hearing aid,
i haven't heard...
this is a not-so-indirect poem about the seniors at my school, who seem to think i'm the enemy.
Andrew Ewen Feb 11
OCD is a part of my life that I thought was over and done.
Turns out it is a battle that is not easily won.
There will be ups and downs, it will be a war.
Things may never be the way, they quite were before.
I am determined though to keep it under control; this is a battle I'm sure I can win.
I just need to suppress it, this evil within.
Andrew Ewen Feb 7
If you could look into the mind of an OCD sufferer, what would you see?
You would see bravery and fear fighting it out.
One side of the mind trying to reason with the other.
If you tell us to get on with it, it's because you don't see the amount of strength and determination that it takes to overcome a mental illness.
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