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Miguel 5d
Replaying a riff four times perfectly
One missed fret and the entire day will end disastrously
Replaying moments of kindness and warmth
To overcome the feverish idea that I hold no heart

Every fourth step, threes end in murder
Maimed images constantly creep
This subconscious ludovico technique
These thoughts come and go in no particular order

A seat at the table and a serviette on my lap
What if I leapt out my chair and suddenly attacked?
What if I aimed the knife towards my hand?
I constantly question if that’s who I am

I will have a picnic with her today, all joy and cheer
When these intrusive thoughts will inexplicably get near
And terrorize my attitude as well as my image
Disassociating with a perplexed and horrified visage

I’m so incredibly tired of existing
A cruel and ironic fate
I’ve missed out on so many opportunities
All because of this miserable headspace
sushii Aug 29
It pushes everyone away.
It ruins all my relationships.

I died at the hands of my thoughts today.

He tells me that he loves me,
He tells me that it’s okay,
But they won’t let me believe it.

is love real?
is happiness real?
is anything real?
because at this rate, it might all just be fake.


in fact,

that’d be better, because then i wouldn’t have to feel this pain.
sushii Aug 26
chills.
shaking.
sweating.
insecure.
normal.
can’t stop thinking.
obsessive.
disorder.
compulsive.
no real problems.
doesn’t care
even though he says he does.
bite back tears.
smile but you can’t.
meaningless noise.
it’s all in your head.
want acceptance.
can’t get it.
all in your head.
can’t face monsters under your bed.
past wounds opening up.
bleed.
don’t like how they look at him.
don’t wanna sleep.
feel imperfect.
wish i was perfect.
small things get to me.
wish i had her body.
wonder if he’d like me more if—





what if—






what could—





why is—






how does—




they don’t—




does he—





i wonder—





not alone.
have someone.
not enough.
greedy whore.
hold internal grudges.
mind can’t get enough.
it feeds of corpses of past feelings.



swallows you up.
try not to cry.
smile and laugh.
talk and eat.





try to swallow it up,
but it eats you alive.
a parasite
destroying you from inside.
if you can acknowledge it’s root,
you will someday understand—



the key to happiness—



it’s right in your hand.







“but









why do i keep losing it, mother?”






“sometimes, you need to get the fog out of your mind.”




“how do i get the fog away?”





“face your problems,



even if it’s to your dismay.”





“but mother, i know this. it seems really easy. could you please stop with these riddles,
and help me find that key?”





“but honey all i’ve got to say is,






some kids have lost the key,




but try to find it on their own.





you are a weakling, as they say.




















stop crying about how hard it is
to live your easy day.”
sushii Aug 26
why do you push everyone away?
why do you hurt everyone?
why do you hurt me?
why do you care so much about what they think?





why can’t i break free?
Scarlett Aug 26
when I get stuck in my own thoughts
deeper and deeper into my own head
the compulsions become stronger
five times five times five
I repeat until it feels alright
until the iron vest on my chest loosens
until my hands bleed from overwashing
I'm finally clean
until I slip further
and further again
repeat
Dogslinwriter Aug 12
Me: This is a great morning. I better make the best of my day.
Paranoia: You're probably going to get hit by a truck while crossing the road today.
Me: I have a test tomorrow. I better prepare well for it.
Paranoia: You won't be able to give a test after getting hit by a truck.
Me: Wow, this breakfast looks delicious!
Paranoia: How long has it been kept open for? You took too long combing your hair and now it has bacteria all over it and as you eat it, all of them are going to have a big party in your stomach.
Me: (After somehow swallowing the food I go out.) Walking feels good. I should walk more often.
Just then I notice a man walking behind me.
Paranoia: This man is here to take you away. He'll kidnap you and murder you and no one will ever know what exactly happened to you. Now you're going to throw up after that stale breakfast.
Me: (I stop walking, The man walks ahead of me. Nothing happens, I take a deep breath.) I tell paranoia:  You should stop talking now, nothing you ever say happens. You just shout in my ears leading me nowhere.
Paranoia: Yeah, today is the day when that changes.
I walk into my class and the so-called classmates' bag falls down and she wasn't there so I pick it up and put it back in place.
Paranoia: What if something was stolen from her bag before and now that you picked it up she notices after coming back that something is missing and then other people tell her that you're the one to blame?
I get really angry now, "NOTHING LIKE THAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN. STOP MAKING ME NERVOUS. YOU GIVE ME ANXIETY."
Paranoia: Anxiety? You said anxiety is here? She is my best friend.
And then I notice my own best friend, she comes to me and hugs me.
We start talking. She tells me she was concerned about me when yesterday I stopped responding to her after I said I was feeling suicidal.
Paranoia: Nobody is that nice. What if someone is paying her to be your friend? Someone who wants all your dark secrets? What is she told someone that you're suicidal?
I repel from her saying, "I'll be back."
I go to the washroom and stare at the mirror trying not to cry.
Me: (to paranoia) Why don't you leave me alone? And I don't have any dark secrets!
Paranoia: I will leave you alone but then who'll caution you about the spy cameras someone installed here.
"I don't care!" I say.
On my way back I meet the guy I am dating.
Him: Hey, how about we meet this weekend. I have this place I want to show you.
Me: That sounds...
Paranoia: What if he is planning to ship you off somewhere in a box?
Me: ... good.
Him: Do you trust me?
Paranoia: Him asking that you trust him is a sign that you should not trust him.
Me: I'll catch up with you later.
Him: Are you okay?
Me: Yeah.
I force a smile and leave.
Paranoia: Maybe he is a con artist?

When I am at a place I don't want to be, my head swims through an ocean of thoughts, except it doesn't know how to swim so it jumps from one plank to another and... sometimes? sometimes it falls into the sea. Drowning. Shouting for help, unheard! Not able to breathe.

So I am sitting through the lecture now.
Paranoia: Maybe someone can read minds in this class? Maybe your thoughts are not your own after all.
I ignore it.
a few minutes later *
Paranoia: Maybe you're sweating too much? Maybe you're bothering the people around you? Maybe you're breathing heavy?
Soon the class ends.
I see puppies. I pet them. I go home.
Paranoia: Wash your hands, you petted street dogs.
I wash my hands.
Paranoia: Wash your hands again. The germs don't go away in one go.
I wash my hands again.
Paranoia: Wash them again just to be sure.
I wash my hands again.
It was a tiring day. I sit next to my mom.*
Me: Mom, I don't feel okay.
Mom: Did you eat properly today?
Paranoia: You ate a bad breakfast today.
Me: No I mean I don't feel alright. You know like days are passing and I am doing nothing.
Mom: I have deadlines to meet. I don't have time for this.
Me: Yeah, okay.
Paranoia: You're supposed to be alone forever. No one cares about you, not even your mom. You're going to die like this.
Me: Maybe I should not live?
Paranoia: Yeah but what if you try to kill yourself and then don't die and maybe break your bones or worse get paralyzed? And then you'll have to live with the consequences? Everyone would know you want to kill yourself.
Me: I think you've got a point there. I am going to sleep now. I hope the earth swallows me whole at night and I never wake up in the morning.
Paranoia: No you'll wake up. And we'll start the cycle all over again.
Paranoia: And by the way, I just wanted to remind you that everyone that you've ever known won't be affected by your death at all.

-Dogslinwriter
Mia Taljaard Jul 28
Too fast;
Too slow;
I have learned to live with an unstable heartbeat.
This is about many things. Not just emotional issues that has caused unsteadiness. But also mental illnesses and physical illnesses. An illness is seen as something that can cause an early death... to me I had to make peace that the illnesses eats away at my lifeline. And I live with that. I live with knowing that this can slowly kill me. Besides that I literally have an unstable heartbeat mostly because of physical illnesses and mental disorders.
Kellin Jun 27
I need something to fill this
void,
So I will beg for your
figure
And I will take to try and fill this empty
insatiable
inquietude
But still I am still greeted with empty hands
and
dejection
kk Jun 26
dig
dig to soothe the obsession.
become acquainted with the bumps
along your scalp,
grimace at the knolls and lumps
and curse the imperfection.
you know what you came here for.
to seek solace from the ache of a brain
by roaming just along its shell.
the pain is hell
but the peel makes it worthwhile.
finally you skim chemical pleasure
with chipped keratin,
physical meets mental
in one scrape of a mining nail.
here in a languid stupor you lay
languishing in a deal between pleasure
and decay.
fade away
while you dig at the earth of your body.
out of all the habits i could've had, scalp picking had to be one of them i guess. thanks to my anxiety for that one
Aaron Lee Jun 24
I love when I'm told to think of how my actions affect others.

I love when you ignore my depression.

I love when you ignore my OCD.

I love when you ignore my "Sociopathic Tendencies".

I love when you ignore my BPD.

I love it when you take your personal problems and make them mine.
I hate my life lmao.
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