I love'd you,
with open hearts,
your love,
was* **stimulating.

I used to love this boy,
with ***** blonde hair,
and bright blue eyes,

I haven't spoken to him in years,
but he reached out,
and found me,

I used to love this boy,
So I was quick to message him back,
I agreed to meet him again,

He picked me up,
and was very grown up,
I felt unworthy,

I used to love this boy,
and he stopped loving me,
because I didn't call him back one day,

Since meeting up,
he has blown up my phone,
just like he had before,

I used to love this boy,
but he was controlling,
he made me feel unsafe,

I was trapped,
From all the emotions,
he took advantage of me.

I used to love this boy,
but I told him to *******,
I felt guilty,

but even though,
I was regretful,
I cannot love this boy,

I wake in a rusted copper red stained bed,
and focus my gaze though the window ahead,
to see the sun rise in a  crimson, flame, flush, shade of glow,
the view reflected in my eyes seem burnt, but cold and slow,
I see rose red flowers in the meadow,
and the shine of a rainbow,
the sea of dark pastels in a strawberry sky,
the cardinals fly,
and as I change my sight to the inside,
the fluttering spotted ladybug try to hide,
I get up and walk across the maroon hard wood floor,
until my feet finally reach the bathroom door,
and I reach a sad sight inside the white room,
the seen is diluted and blank to the view,
I raise my body in fists of hateful recklessness,
and crash my ****** fists into the mirror in elegance,
and helplessly the glass reflections fall to the floor,
and cuts me until my blood flows to the door,
the spotted ladybug hiding on the ground,
couldn't escape the fateful death as it drowned,
and I collapsed next to the bug,
and soaked my skin into the ****** rug.
and I waked to find a sea of vermilion,
acting like a chameleon,
as it laid in pools across my pale bare floors,
as something to large like a corps to ignore.
Vermilion red in my eyes,
Vermilion red stuck in my mind,
Vermilion red lives until I leave for the sky.

I always wanted a name like a color,
But then I felt bad,
Because what if the other colors got sad,
because if my name,
was to cause them pain,
I'd cry,
and wish to be wrapped,
and panted,
in a rainbows vein,
And be know as,
spectrum,
Color Spectrum.

I'll be an array,
of entities,
as light shines threw,
I will be more then the common,
and Physical Propensities,
because besides light waves,
the sea will go though me too,
and the mass and length of both,
Will not hold me down,
because I am color spectrum,
And with the rain and the sun,
I am one,
A prism.

Creating the suns rain,
into a bow of color across the sky,
red, orange, yellow, green,
fly,
blue and indigo,
will not just be colors,
to color up our sky,
and violet,
sweet violet,
will combine us,
make us one,
but we are bond,
a band,

bands of colors,
pretty to the eye,
we still hold so much more,
invisible to us,
but still with us,
because like the bands,
we are the same,
with feelings and emotions,
there,
but unseen,
until you look a little closer,
because we are a spectrum,
and that has more to do with our hearts, bodies, and minds,
then the names, looks, and colors,
we bare,

I hate getting calls and the voice mails that always follow,
like the rainbow after rain.

the only exception was,
to here your long gone voice,
again.

but there was no rainbows
to follow this storm.

To look at your reflection in the mirror,
Is not an accurate account of the beauty you hold,

To take the words of Hate people speak,
Is not an accurate account on how beautiful and kind you are.

To take the number on a scale and feel too large or too small,
Is not an accurate account on how to judge your beauty and hearts size,

To look at your arms and see nothing but your imperfections,
Is not an accurate account to show your strength in your beauty.

To look at yourself in the reelection of the widow,
And be happy with what you see,
And to relies nothing but your heart that matters,
Then you have an accurate account to show your,
Beauty,
Strength,
Intelligence,
Perfectness,
Big Heart,
Kindness,
Are all the things that make you beautiful,
And though we all may not be happy about somethings in our lives,
They only add to our beauty,
That shows farther then inside

bad designs have already been built.
on the verge of collapsing from all the guilt.
aged and longstanding no wonder we face the inevitably,
as what has been built will now dwindle away as ironically,
wilted petals will do the same,
disintegration of what we had is defamed,
a shattered frame never goes addressed,
with too many problems we just left,
but I guess maybe it was best.

we lost everything,
and still never learned anything.
we have nothing left to say.
just the rusted frame like our doorway,
we don't have to knock to be heard.
but watch your step so nobody gets burned.
because it hurts as memories flood in,
making you cry as tears scorch your skin,
you begin wondering what could of been.

and then you stop,
and drop into the doorway as you take the mats spot,
your the one fading into the wreckage,
sinking away fast before you can find a new direction.
Shattered and vanishing away,
but you never left the rusted doorway,
your looking to escape the battered zone,
you know your grown,
enough to handle the pain on your own.

The smell of you,
is like metal,
probably because you weld metal together,
as one would sew two fabrics together,
only your fabric is made of metal.
and ironically enough,
laying next to you,
the smell of you and all,
makes me wish,
to  be welded to your side,
but I am not made of metal,
and though you smell like it,
neither are you,
so I can only hope,
to keep lying like this,
for the longest while,

What have I done,
to make everyone hate me,
to allow others to treat me so bad,
this is something,
only hate,
would of caused,

What have I done,
to make you all hate me so much,
because only hate,
can cause,
this kind of pain,
to make someone hurt so much,

What have I done,
to hurt everyday here,
its killing me,
inside, I know I will die,
and never come back,
only if I stay here,

What have I done,
because I want to stop,
I want to live a little bit longer,
but the pain keeps going,
I am alone with these fears,

What have I done,
Because now everybody,
hates me,
their is no one to trust here,
no soul left inside,
like theirs no one left here to save me,

What have I done,
to make you not care,
if you don't care,
as it seems to be,
then just let me,
walk out and leave,

What have I done,
to find myself here,
I need to escape,
I don't want to die here,
the odds never fall,
in my fate,

Please just Tell me,
What have I done?
Tell me, Please!
What have I done?
I Promise to stop!
What have I done?

__

*I can't give you my trust,
I can not get close to you,
I can not let you hold me even when I wish for you to,
I can not let you show me how you love me like others used too,

I struggle when I listen, or try to concentrate, to the things you say,
I struggle to communicate my feeling back to you in the same way,

I sometimes feel like I'm too demanding of you,
I don't know how to do the comedies of a give and take,
I feel like I sometimes only take, and leave a burden on top of you,
I constantly feel guilty for what I do to you, I feel guilty for the things I do,
I get to have you, but I am not worth someone like you,

I hope I don't hurt you too bad, on days when I am too sad,
I sometimes need to relax and detach. my dissociation won't last forever,
I know I am not perfect in this world that is so dull and grey, but I try,
I each day, have tried, I empathise more then not,

I am sorry more then not, like the fears I cry tears over,
I wish I could overcome them, I wish I could stop avoiding my past,
I wish I could forget all the bad, make memories that are good and will last,
I can't remember day to day tasks, and I can't remember anything un-sad,

I wish that when you told me things I could understand it better,
I wish I handled things better, learn to fix them on my own,
I wish I didn't depend on you for help, but I wouldn't if I could fix it myself.
I wish I stopped staying in bad places and leaving the good ones I find,

I want to not act so compulsive with these addictions that surround me,
I wish I could get rid of the overlaying grief that hangs over me,  
I wish I could move on from what has been taken from me,
I want to stop letting it exhaust me,

I am tired, but never sleep, and to sleep wouldn't help my tiredness,
I tried to sleep with you and lay down next to you wide awake,
I wish I could of been sleeping as peaceful as you,

I feel plagued by all my bad memories,
I want them to go away, because they only make it harder for you,
I know you don't love me, I know at least you shouldn't love me,
I worry that I worry you, and I don't want you to be worried about me,
I feel like you deserve more, and better, and should get it.
I want to protect you from the damage I can put upon you,
I feel the panic inside brews, and I can't rid myself from it,
I wish you would save yourself from me.

I get angry, and mad, and upset,
I do this rather then having an emotional shut down,
I hate that I lash out, I don't want to get mad at you,

I hate myself, I wish that I could love myself like I used to,
I take risks hoping that something better could happen, but it doesn't,

I feel alone,
I feel abandoned,
I feel rejected,
I feel helpless,
I feel trapped,

I know you left because you felt like this
I lost you, because of all these things,
I know what I did wrong

where am I?
this place is unknown,
where you and I can hold each other together,
but still alone,

where am I?
smiles fill this place,
I can't stop these curve like figures,
they are left permanently on my face.

where am I?
how am I to know
I feel nothing just a limbo,
like never too hot or too cold,

where am I?
why, I'm here, and so are you,
as if nothing else matters,
because I have finally gotten you,

where am I?
I am with you, today,
tomorrow, and maybe the rest of my life,
I think we should stay.

your mommy has gone to bed early,
that's what the doctor had said,
and he didn't feel the pain you felt the year after,
every time someone asked you where mommy was.

Kids can be mean, and kids sometimes miss their mommy,
can't you leave it at that,
You could if you knew where mommy went,
But we don't,

now all I have is a box full of her memories,
her photos, her jewelry, her smells that wish to never fade,
the last bottle of whiskey you saw her drink,
put next to the bottle of wine saved from her wedding day,

mommy went to bed early,
that's what the doctor said,
I asked him when she would get up,
he said she hurt to much to wake,

without another cup, a nurse chimed in,
I asked him, when she could come back to love me,
come back to hug me,
and he shrugged with no reply.

My mind may be weak,
but the words i've spoke,
have not gotten their rightful moments,
have been built just to get broken,
and that wasn't what I had chose,

For my words have spoken,
louder than your screams on froze over mountain tops highest peaks,
so loud they will make the snow lung and leap down,

My words have been stronger then body's covered in satin gowns,
But my words are like ghost towns making people white and corps like,
But unlike the pen and paper that is silent,
I can speak these tales of tyrants to beauty,
but I never complete this duty for my mouth feels like foreign tongues,

I try to speak from the heart inside my lungs but words,
and towards the end of my spiel,
I feel like what I said wasn't real,
or the appeal I was going for.

you shut a door on me and my thoughts,
like your my boss who doesn't have to listen to my words,
and discord all the things i've endured.

I've matured enough to know I can't be asking for a cure,
but maybe if you were able to listen to me,
and stop disagreeing to start with,
I'd feel like I wouldn't have to pitch my life story as real,
instead of its normal appeal of a called myth,
because with my ****** life I'd make up **** about what happened?

life is going to ****,
*but you don't give up,

It all started,
When you removed my top,
and that's when you made me less composed,

I though then that we were going to become parted,
But you just dropped,
and you made my body opposed,

This is when things got-started,
and my body frozen, and shocked,
because you went to a part of me I had left closed,