I’m Failure!

She said that with a shining crystal tear in her eyes…

She broke my silence!

Shrinking in her bed, hiding her face, with a tear which killed my strength and toughness… I felt naked.. felt I have no power to make her safe!

Like a little child, eager to have that warm hug, that safe hug, that secure corner… and She broke my boundaries with world I don’t belong to….

Did she saw me how I see and feel her!

Did she felt how she had my back safe and my feelings secured!

Did she realized how stabilized our time and life together!

You didn’t fail me!

You didn’t hurt me!

You didn’t make me feel tired!

On the Opposite….

You did let me feel my humanity…my worthness…my existance…my signature…myself!

And after all that you are saying “I’m A Failure”

You can feel Sad..You can feel Pain…You can feel Disappointed …. You have the right to be Human!  And we will still experience Sad, Pain, Disappointment beside other things however we didn’t Quit… we didn’t Surrender… we still in the Arena that we created and will create and that we will keep creating together and with each other.

Be who you are and don’t be a shame of showing your uniqueness… your worthiness…showing how treasure you are for me…

With love..with admiration..with humble I tell you…you are Enough!

They told me to Let it go... And...
I Found that I have nothing there to let go...
Still searching for that song that to be sang!
Still looking for that life to be lived!
Still aiming to reach the beat that shows I'm alive!

I'm wondering If.... there are answers to those questions;

Are dues still not yet paid?
Are sins not yet repented?
Are wounds not yet healed?
Am I still having a human's heart?
Am I still holding that soul which will guide me?
Am I still pure?

I question in pain the blood running in those veins!
Questioning those purposes i found created and realized in my journey!
questioning with bitterness..with being lost in my space, my soul, mind mind...**** inside me!
**** towards a black whole!
knowing nothing if i'll be getting out of it or not!
knowing nothing except i saw the lonely air, lonely feelings, lonely self!
I questioned finally if i have Human Blood!

Words failed to present my story!
Stories couldn't define Who A I!
Expressions misled eyes!
Then Silence Appears to....
Bring light to words
Bring  meaning to chaos
Give  power to voice
Where silence becomes your Story!

I want to end the story of that guy who is good…who is nice..who is helpful!
I wan to stop the scene of that person who is with that cool smile..
I wan to start a  new story!
…… No More of those facades!
A story of a new version…
A story of upgraded version…
And not…
A version of a perfect one!
I am not seeking perfectionism…
I’m seeking my true self…
I’m seeking Me!
10-10-2018

In process of knowing who I am!
In process of recalling my memories!
I found an empty space!
A space I can’t remember!
A space I struggle to belong to!
A space I questioned my belongings in this world!
A space I realized I’m forgotten!

14-10-2018

I found those papers in my drawers!
Knowing my own words, would make it easy to feel their belonging to me!
Tried to paint the landscape I dreamt of…
Tried to place my hope of joy and peace in its corner…
I can’t find my true color…
I can’t find the details that speaks me…
I realized I have  a picture of my world painted by others colors…
I realized I don’t own that painting

23-10-2018

I saw it in me! I saw it in my silence! I saw it in my dream!
I saw every minute telling me to leave!
I have to leave! But where to? That I didn’t know!
Just walk away…walk and other things will fall into its places! Don’t be afraid!
Don’t be scared!
Don’t be skeptical!
Don’t wait for that thing to happen!
Don’t wait for that change, that you are longing for!
Don’t wait to be a stranger again!
It is just a label! You are a stranger even in your enoughness…
In your fullness…
In your wholebeing…
Just take that Leave…and be …
The Leave!

Grateful!
I’m grateful to those who are not grateful to me…
I’m grateful to my insanity for keeping me sane…
I’m grateful to my dark side of me, for letting me know where I can find the light…
I’m grateful to those silent, painful moment for letting me find the hope in those strange moments…
I’m grateful to undisclosed craziness in finding balance in unknown moments…

A day is marked under my name saying, “it is Your Birthday”?
And  
“I Forgot!”
I forgot to count!
I forgot to enjoy!
I forgot to have fun!
Papers are fading away! Withering like leaves in the air
I refrain myself from writing…
I refrain my words to go out of my throat!
I can’t stop what inside me!
I can’t stand still from knowing why!
I can’t understand my silence anymore!

Maybe years passed by you with no hope in the horizon!

Maybe hours wasted in things you didn't feel them!

Maybe breathes sneaked away without feeling where they went!

Then that unplanned minute happens when your eyes touch that person while he is in front of you projecting that peace that you were fighting for!

When your heart gives that beat, were you straying for ages to know you are alive!

Then...

That is the moment when you realise that you reached one of your Meaningful Beat in your life!

When you are blessed enough to someone

Being with you is a bless given by God!

Listening to your soul is a remedy for a tired soul!

Reading every single word from you like reciting a mantra of pure love among Angels!

A radical bond created beyond people terms and norms!

Silly...Funny...lightness...spontaneous...are the core of our moments!

Downs are met with faith...
Ups are felt with appreciation...

With all of that, a happy 1 paper anniversary, is not but a long life journey filled with amazing moments!

With that I face any moment even if it is painful, with joy and hope!

Thank you for the light you bring to us!

She asked me what is LOVE!

I thought of it and I couldn't fine better answer than this....

My Answer is Huda!

She is the Home of Peace, where the ugliness of the external world disappeared.

She is Unique in her kindness....where you feel do angels exit!

She is Devoted beyond the word meanings..... She sacrificed by all definitions and roles!

She is the Angel that if she get angry, she would show only love for you!

At the end...Love for me is HUDA!!

And I failed to find other definition than that!

And I'm happy i failed! She is worth to be failed for!

Fears find its voices before the sleeping Child inside me!!!

The faint voice of hope Still breathing heavily to let me feeL its presence....

The unseen but felt hope, touches my strayed soul to get me back to right path...

Peace was my theme!
Loneliness was my rule!
Mystery was unknown touch!

And still looking for answers, and tired of searching for logic of each question!

Mind is screaming for a sleep!
asleep that it won't think further of the unknown!
still That music is haunting that spirit inside me, begging me to play that craziest Chapter in my life that still to beplayed.....
That chapter that I didn't write with fear... ... with Measures...... with known Results......
And.......
AM I considering my options with "Chances"!

Scripts has been written and became rotten…
Words are abandoned and forgotten…
Papers are withered and paled away…
Feelings are faded and hugged by lost!

And

Trying to find meaning was not easy…
It ends up trying to find myself…
It is not in love only…
It is not in money only…
It is not in fame only….
It is not in anything if you are not in everything in this life!

Go all the way…..

Your quest won’t be the same always!

I hold the pen and close my eyes, makes my heart open his book in pain!
Listen to that melody calling for that melody, makes all lines shake in fear!
Space and every element surrounding that space lead to hold my trembled heart to fade in illusion!
Questioning my reasons....
Questioning the versions of me I became through my journey!
Questioning the purpose I have every now and then!
Questioning should I go further than this place I reached!
The sun hiding behind those shy clouds trying to keep the light of the new road from being seen!
What is behind that Road!...

In hope I start my day!
Holding “Hope” with my spirit trying to find meaning to what I’m doing!

Breathes are counted!
Sleeps are restless!
Words became homeless!
Pain became meaningless!

And

Death became the Theme!
Pale colors are painted!
Brain in comma!
Guts is drained!
Love is Running away!

First Hours of hope had counted down!!

I didn’t choose you for your color….
I didn’t choose you for your brain…
I didn’t choose you for your wealth…
I didn’t know…
I will meet you in such kind of path…
I will share my passion in this life
I will find myself with yours…
I don’t know…
What life is brining for us…
Where our feet are taking us…
How we will keep meeting…
What I know…
I’ve chosen a heart that talked with mine in a different language than others…
The blessings are in us and I am HAP (Hippo and Proud).

30-6-2017

Nonentity to Fulfilment!
Obscurity to Clarity
Aimless to purposefulness!
Hopelessness to Dreaming….

I walked from there to here!
In a journey that you walked also before we meet!
Walked slowly… in fear…with pain…hand in hand with despair…
Walked of the road… lost and in silence…
Angry from everything and everyone…
Angry of myself!
Walked in noises and my heart not around!
walked in….

and

I have faith in that we all fall and we all recover…

And

I saw Ego died in R1 and “All/we” reborn.

And

I felt dreams came true in life…

And

I sensed authenticity shining in those faces I love… shining in eyes without words!!!

And

That is the faith that keep us Unique!

I am A hippo!

I am HAP…. Hippo And Proud!

When the Name became part of A Life!

When every letter of your name represents a Mystery you are Living!



Then...



Write your Name with Letters can be seen by Souls...

Write your Letters with that Spirit of who will fight for you....

Make your Name be part of you!



Live your Name.... Live your Right!

Holding The Pen and closing my eyes, making my Heart opens his book in pain!

Listening to that Melody calling me loudly to hear the unsaid words, makes all lines shake in fear!

Space and every Element surrounding that space lead to hold my trembled Heart to Fade in Illusion!

Questioning my Reasons....

Questioning my Versions i went through and became....

Questioning the Purpose I have every Now and Then....

Questioning "Should I go Further than this Point that I reached?"...

The Sun is hiding behind those shy Clouds, trying to keep the Light of A Road from being Seen!

And I'm Questioning....

What is behind that Road?

When the Silence became the only Resort!
When no Places else to be visited!
When words are small enough not be be seen!
Then...
What Space is left is a space not to breath!
Being Lost won't be defined!
Then...
You start questioning your Silence!

Reading Those stories..
Reading Those Lines with Heart and Mind…
Feeling those immense emotions…
Led me to a question…. Do I have a story!

Although a thought came saying “No”

Another Question popped up… Do I Have to have one!

A feeling came saying “ Is it Mandatory?” Do you need to please anyone or anything?

Something came and talked to me: Is it an Ego? Is it the box of “I am nothing”?… Is it the Box of “I Need to be seen”?

I don’t know!

So…Let me tell you the “No Story” of me!

The Journey of No change!
The Journey of becoming aware of my dark sides!
The Journey of waiting for someone to tell me “You are doing something!!.

“Coaching has saved you”!! with a smile and sadness i received this statement, knowing it is true!

What a waste!

It is Journey of Angry soul! Angry Words, Angry Breaths that burn this history under my name!

In My silence I build, waiting for that erupt to free me from those chains of……

“It should be right”
“It Should be Catchy”
“It should  be perfect”

……And…

I still don’t know why?

It is  A Journey of falling in love with “Profiling”!!

When Identity became not welcomed and preferred anymore!

When I resent every minute of my life of knowing nothing except losing things including myself!

I broke my silence in silence
I broke my silence with a smile
I broke my silence through my eyes
Words feels shy
Voice feels voiceless
Meaning are humble
And
Still silence is prevailing
Like gazing at the water flowing in the stream...
when you hold your breath so you won't lose any moment!
When your heart is in peace of its kind
When your can't make logic of what is happening
When there is no formula that can be prescribed
When you keep you smile alive and let that child in you laugh inside you!
When your lungs are filled with hope and dream
Then
Stay in silence and be grateful
Stay in silence and don't ruin it with words
Stay in silence and feel the joy that you are alive within you!!!

Looking around and hearing stories

Looking at those eyes and bedazzled with the light of passion in them

In the Shadow I stand and watch those hearts go away!
And I asked

What makes me stand in their shadows
I realized that we are guardians with missions!!!
And....

My mission in the world to be the guardian of silence and the right words!

I'm the Guardian of Unspoken Emotions
And that is my tomorrow...
Share with me your Tomorrow!!!

I remember !
When logic finds no way to rational!
I remember!
When the beat of a heart is no longer part of a dictionary!
I want to fold all my papers
I want silence to accompany me in my cave!
I want to rest my breath in stillness!
And .....
I remember... with a note from Reality that Everything are running away!
I can sense the fear! The holding back of what is kept deep inside!
And....
I'm here in my dark room trying to bury my burns!!
Trying to write my last Epitaph

We born with big spirit within ourselves...
We grew up with a light faded away deep inside...Shy from us...Scared of what had been fed inside us...
We became at some point of time unknown to ourselves...
And...
We became a Heretics, when we start taking courses not known for other who used to know us!
For those who deluded our tissues with...
Blood not ours...
With Breathes not for us to breath...
With Tears not for us to be part of Cries...
We became lost in the space...
Lost in many paths...
Lost in Silence and even in Crowds...
And ....
Still have that Light, trying to find its way to the Universe...
Still Cleansing...
We Still Walk in Paths...
We Still Longing for Brightening the Dark inside us...
There are still Places inside us and outside there...
Those Places that would be nice to be Un-tagged with things that are not meant to be for US!!!...

Is it a Dream!
Is it a fantasy!
Is it a wish that can’t be fetched!
All my life, i’ve been watching life in silence!
                 And i asked….
Do I exist!
Is there a need to let my voice heard!
I saved lives!
I helped lost souls!
I broken hearts!
I touched the unreached Hope and whispered him
to shine in their eyes…
I am who I am!
If you see me silly… know that I am Human!
If you see me stupid…Know that I am Human!
If you see me sensitive…Know that I am Human!
I have my Dark side and that didn’t affect my love for you!
I have my Bright Side, and that didn’t hide you behind the light!
You always there, in front of me…shining in your darkness and brightness…
Do you have the same for me!
Talk to me, let me listen to you… Let me feel you!
I’m not better than you… I am like you…I am you.. You are me..
In a Journey we are together…
In a long-life walk we are together…
My Hand longing to hold your hand!
My Heart longing to feel your beats!

Are we falling apart …… Or

Are we reborn again!

What is your say!

"I'm not committed"!!!
Easy in saying... Deep in impact it leaves!
As a "Tribe" we raise... As a "Tribe" we Heal and Grow!
I don't belong anymore to "Tribe"!
Where do I belong then!
Where my soul will be straying around!
Where will be my home!
That is the quest!
Peace be upon you all!

No wonder how I hate my distance from her!
No wonder how I hate my sickness of being away from her!
No wonder how I hate the silence in my room, in my car, in my papers!
She is a hope with the simplicity living in her and with her!
She is the light that let me close my eyes in peace!
She is the gentle that i touch when I'm confused with my thought!
She is... The Gift!

A Brother…
A Friend…
A Reliable Corner in your life to reach whenever you ran for peace…
Above all, he is a light soul with that smile and soothing voice…
The space around him, let you close your eyes and let those Mantra spill over to cure…
Your Moments with him keep  you in the sacred circle of purity…
Although his tears are hard to fall, still you feel the warmth of his heart surrounding you with harmony…
He is presence in his silence….
He is the manifestation of truth…
He is one of the Tribe!!!!

Looking into your eyes!
Watching them checking on me with that passion!
Looking at them and feel the warmth of caring!
Let me know for sure  how "Love" fails against you to prove its glory!
You gave "Love hard time to cope with your caring!
You proved that there is much more than "Love" that needs to be between hearts...
Thanks for everything in you seen and unseen!

I am free!
A heavy Fear of being alone!
A fear of not find Love!
It is not anymore there inside!
I am Sad!
I am Alone!
I am Lost!
with all of that I am having a beauty!
A beauty that I am finding a meaning in falling....
The beauty in feeling the pain...
The Beauty in having those wounds to remind me that i am human!
I have Spoken all of my words with no tears and regrets...
I have spoken with pain and power...
I have spoken my lost for the eager to be Free!

She trusted me... She filled with her smile and laughters the world of silence and mystery...
I forgot who I am... I forgot my anger.. my pain..my loneliness..
I felt I am Alive... I felt I am the world Savier...
I am the mystery with beautiful eyes...
I am the castle with warmth...
I am the safe heart that hold you to your edge...
I am who you need!
I am looking for who is me!
I am Loa Ma!

I love you
That what Fills me with Faith
I love you
That what makes me stay optimistic
I love you
That what makes the war i live peace!
I love you
That What makes your words a lullaby!
I love you
That what makes things worth to fight for
I love you
That what makes life has a meaning
I won't give up on you, that what makes your love makes the life I'm living be with a bless filling my soul!!!

When Heaven's Door is opened!
                  The Face with that smile and those eyes receiving you!
When Heaven's Door is opened!
                  With those hands that soothe the tiredness!
                  With those eyes that let you feel the thrill in your limbs!
When Heaven's Door is opened!
                  With that warm hug that sends you to a world to close your  
                  eyes with peace inside your spirit!
When Heaven's Door is opened!
                   And it is the face of your love with the purest smile, tells                      
                   you...come into your place!
It is a Heaven of her made!
It is a Heaven where she asked me nothing except a smile... a gentle touch!
For me...She is my Heaven!

High Prices Paid!
Deep Pain Felt!
Confusion was the Theme of my life!
Loss was a result of every wound inside me!
I'm not perfect and i won't polish that!
I'm not angel and i won't pretend!
I'm not Living my Past!
                                       But.......
I am now who I am!
Tomorrow will be different than who I am now!
I will be in different versions.... But my Heart is the core of every version!
Don't judge my version, check My Heart and Connect!....Thanks

When the smile feels shy!
When eyes stray in reflection!
When silence is my world!
When face invites mystery!
When no words left to be written!
When the feelings are dazzled!
When a tear is taken!.....
                                Then......
You know you are in the other world!

What would I say about it!
It seems i have no definition!
Love might be.... Let Others Voice Emotions!
Love might be... Live On Vapidity Effluent!
Does it have a meaning?
Do I need to search for its meaning?
I do admit that I'm Lost
I'm losing faith...
A faith in my own feelings or what things are going inside me!
A faith in something called "Love"
This Label which has been given by others!
A faith that this thing so called "Love"  Does Exist!
They told me... I am searching for extraordinary woman!
And they didn't see the extraordinary inside me that I want to bring out!
I am willing to be rude, if i want clarity!
I am willing to be impolite, if i want answers!
I am willing to be no more nice, if I want to claim my rights!
I just want to my pain to rest and relax!
I want to own them and respect them!
I want to honor their service fro what i BECAME AND WHAT I WILL BECOME!
I want to take my hand away and not cover my mouth anymore!
I JUST wanted to be myself!
If you "Love", "Care" and "Dare".... Just Help me...If you felt me... Then Thank you

Who is she.....
she came from the unknown place to my world!
She came with a shy in her smile!
She sat in my corner, and took a piece of my soul with her!
From that moment I couldn't take her image from my mind!
I met her again! I met her with uncertain  hope I sat beside her and my soul left me to be around her!
Although she was behind my back, but her soul was in front of me!
What kind of beauty I'm looking for!
A kind of beauty that is only measured by kindness and tenderness!
Who is she!
She is who I can say......
My woman!

I see her face on those pages!
I touch those pages with my hand, feeling her soft skin!
I want her badly!
I want to hear her coughing!
I want to feel her breath around my face!
Eagerness burning me but not time!
I just want time to move away from me so I can see her tomorrow!!!!
I don't know what I would say, what I would do with her, what I would expect from her!
I know one thing.... I want her next to me!!!
What would people call that!!!
I love you...

I told the world, who she is!
I told them that she is the joy within me!
I saw the smile on their faces when I'm talking about her!
I saw the happiness tickling their lips while listening about my time with her!
I told them how worthy she is Over them!
And I tell her....
My time with you, won't be a mistake!
I stood there listening to her pain, and with a smile I'm telling her...I'm there!
I can feel her unspoken words, the unrevealed feelings in her eyes!
I can feel the smile when she look into my eyes!
She took me to another level of love!
A love that Makes me feel the child inside me revived!
She still doesn't know who she to me!
She is everything meaningful when things turn nonsense!
Do you still want to know who she is!
She is my angel!

Now all my moments are calling her!
She is in Silence for now!
She is in Validation... Am I  dream or illusion!
She is afraid if closing her eyes!
The Confusion is squeezing her soul!
Shall I let him go!
Shall I let my goals!
Shall I keep him!
Shall I be in "Love"!
What is my.....Call!

I'm the Giver!
I'm the Safer!
I'm the Secret Keeper!
I'm the Peace Maker!
And she stood there...turning her eyes away from me...
And she Stood there...away from her car and her body refuses to leave...
And she stood there...covering her body with her gentle hands in shyness...
She...Asked.... "Can I ask you for something!"!!
With A smile...With a trembling Heart...With I said "I will give that Hug" that I hold it back hours ago!!...
Throwing herself into my arms, and hiding her face out of shyness...
She threw herself, saying in silence "I want to feel safe!"!...
She threw herself, clinging strongly to my chest as if she is saying..." Don't Disappear!"...
She.....didn't know before she asked...
                                All her prayers were answered!!!!

Let me be selfish!
Let me be snobbish!
Let my ego shouts out!
Let my whole being be free from those silly norms!
Destiny might have other plans than what I hope!
Maybe I'm not part of your dreams or world!
Maybe I'm not in anyone's agenda!
Maybe I'm bringing Confusion!
Maybe my Shadow and the Dark Side still there and has its agenda!
                                    If I say "I Love You".....
Am I violating your Values... Your Freedom... Your World!
                                    If I say "I Love You".....
Am I breaking the norms of universe or peoples' or Community's Rules!

I am only voicing what is crying inside me!
I am only voicing the instinct that created by God!
As I am one of his Sons!!!!

Do I still need to care about those Norms anymore!

Don't know what to keep away from you, since everything became about you!
Don't know how to isolate myself from your world!
Is it love! Maybe
Is it infatuation! Maybe
Is it a dream! Maybe
Is it a hope! Can be
Is it an ambition! Could be
And what I'm sure of.....that....
It is manifestation of all those things and much more!
It is something can't the brain summarize it with logic!
It is just a pure love!

I pulled myself strongly from keep thinking of her!
I dragged the thought from reaching my brain to give that note that i missed her badly!
I locked my crying papers inside that drawer, so they won't be engraved happily on those lines talking how she is in every corner of my day!
I sent all those feelings and thought to the land of Doubt, to confuse them from being true about their existence!
I've victimized all my belonging, so I won't let her know how do i see her in my world!
I've concealed my vibes throughout the day, to let the mind take cover my heart!
                                                      But!!!....­.I failed!!!!
I failed not to tell myself, I am in love with her!
I failed not to write for her!
I failed not to free my memories from her!
                                                     And.... I am Still...
                                                        ­   Failing!

What i'm holding back myself from saying to her?
The Heart eagerly beating my chest urging me to tell her!
The Mind is spontaneously stepping back happily to let the Heart say its word.....
The Soul gracefully holding the space for Heart to live the Joy of that Feeling...
                                        What to Say!
It is a question that burns me like the child's excitement!

                                        What to Say!
It is a wish to let her feel how she is coloring my life!

                                        What to Say!
It is a longing to let her know the warmth that she brings to my soul!

                                        What to Say!
                                        I love you!

What hope I'm holding onto my silence!
My words are calling me to release their own spirit from my hope!
My eyes can't see other thing than something labeled "love"!
My breathes are looking for that smile that meant for me!
My heart beats calling her face in the dark night to spark like star in the sky!
My pulses... here with her face remembering those eyes with unspoken words!
My thoughts.... here with her silence calling the world of spirit to tell me your secrets!
My longing.... here with her unseen worries, asking angels to hold her heart gently...

"I miss  you a lot at this Moment"...She said that and hided behind the "Good Night", like a little child!
I gazed with a paralyzed happiness!
I gazed and my fingers on keyboard trying....
                                               to type my kiss in words!
                                               to type my hug in letters!
                                               to type my caring in a touch!
Your "This Moment" is a world for me!
A World that keeps smiles alive!
A World that revives hope!
A World of your...Warmth!