I’m Failure!

She said that with a shining crystal tear in her eyes…

She broke my silence!

Shrinking in her bed, hiding her face, with a tear which killed my strength and toughness… I felt naked.. felt I have no power to make her safe!

Like a little child, eager to have that warm hug, that safe hug, that secure corner… and She broke my boundaries with world I don’t belong to….

Did she saw me how I see and feel her!

Did she felt how she had my back safe and my feelings secured!

Did she realized how stabilized our time and life together!

You didn’t fail me!

You didn’t hurt me!

You didn’t make me feel tired!

On the Opposite….

You did let me feel my humanity…my worthness…my existance…my signature…myself!

And after all that you are saying “I’m A Failure”

You can feel Sad..You can feel Pain…You can feel Disappointed …. You have the right to be Human!  And we will still experience Sad, Pain, Disappointment beside other things however we didn’t Quit… we didn’t Surrender… we still in the Arena that we created and will create and that we will keep creating together and with each other.

Be who you are and don’t be a shame of showing your uniqueness… your worthiness…showing how treasure you are for me…

With love..with admiration..with humble I tell you…you are Enough!

They told me to Let it go... And...
I Found that I have nothing there to let go...
Still searching for that song that to be sang!
Still looking for that life to be lived!
Still aiming to reach the beat that shows I'm alive!

I'm wondering If.... there are answers to those questions;

Are dues still not yet paid?
Are sins not yet repented?
Are wounds not yet healed?
Am I still having a human's heart?
Am I still holding that soul which will guide me?
Am I still pure?

I question in pain the blood running in those veins!
Questioning those purposes i found created and realized in my journey!
questioning with bitterness..with being lost in my space, my soul, mind mind...**** inside me!
**** towards a black whole!
knowing nothing if i'll be getting out of it or not!
knowing nothing except i saw the lonely air, lonely feelings, lonely self!
I questioned finally if i have Human Blood!

Words failed to present my story!
Stories couldn't define Who A I!
Expressions misled eyes!
Then Silence Appears to....
Bring light to words
Bring  meaning to chaos
Give  power to voice
Where silence becomes your Story!

I want to end the story of that guy who is good…who is nice..who is helpful!
I wan to stop the scene of that person who is with that cool smile..
I wan to start a  new story!
…… No More of those facades!
A story of a new version…
A story of upgraded version…
And not…
A version of a perfect one!
I am not seeking perfectionism…
I’m seeking my true self…
I’m seeking Me!
10-10-2018

In process of knowing who I am!
In process of recalling my memories!
I found an empty space!
A space I can’t remember!
A space I struggle to belong to!
A space I questioned my belongings in this world!
A space I realized I’m forgotten!

14-10-2018

I found those papers in my drawers!
Knowing my own words, would make it easy to feel their belonging to me!
Tried to paint the landscape I dreamt of…
Tried to place my hope of joy and peace in its corner…
I can’t find my true color…
I can’t find the details that speaks me…
I realized I have  a picture of my world painted by others colors…
I realized I don’t own that painting

23-10-2018