I realized something.
Tenderness gets you nowhere in the face of apathy.
Apathy is ruling us.
It is ruling me in my heart and in its grotesque reflections.
I cower at it and forget myself and whimper and say all the wrong things.
Hateful things, as my heart is on fire.
There is an anger in me, a blood red rage and then there is calm, cool, unaffected apathy.
It does not rear its head like the bull of my anger, but sinks like a stone.
Makes cool my bones.
I would rather spit fire, I’d rather let it wreck my lungs.
I wish I could scream it out or fight it out or **** it out or maybe just forget it exists.
But it remains frozen ice throughout me that weighs me to the ground.
The magnet that pulls me down down down.
Maybe this is the doomed, inevitable thing I’m feeling, the fear that my apathy will never melt away.
That I’ll never see the brighter days.
The stars in me keep choosing the wrong things and i’m lost in a galaxy of apathy.
Tenderness would melt me.
A case for apathy-- maybe I would get some sleep.
cousin to a poem i wrote about a year ago this month, 'apathy'
when at my lowest
I think of a place
the beautiful plane of existence
that is being in your arms.
It's in a deafening pleasure,
where I escape
to the warm fields of love and embrace
the smile of diamonds
And chest of a queen.
the fear I choke on
from inevitable wars
the existential anxieties
of daily routines
everything I can manage
And everything that I can't
all disappear, as I study your face
if we could stay like this forever,
that would be all I need.
love letter to my partner.
the man at the gas station is a poet
he cannot afford the 10K it costs
to become known, published.
as human beings we are unraveling.
i woke up this morning bathed in
a tear spilled down my cheek.
as creatures of Earth we are unraveling.
my dear friend sits next to me
and i wish i could fossilize our time together
time keeps splitting open.
a cracked goede-- i am cracking,
Patti sings of ***** of jade dropping
the sky falling
i get her face tattooed on my bicep.
Permanence and the Great Unraveling
flirt and dance,
twirling and challenging one another.
eternal and momentary.
I am shade
Bones are cliffs
Blood is liquid cream clay
Flesh blooms on a fertile soil
In uncovered shadow
It shapes with mist, mud and naked trees
Dissolving in tenderness and movement
I crave tenderness of a cloud
I crave whiteness of a movement
I crave, I crave!
And bury that craving in softness
I drape around
tenderness in graceful,
black and white,
holding the soul
all I can try and
proffering the same feeling
I must have felt,
the purest and the most beautiful.
But do I get that feel
of the heart??
Must have seen and heard
Never have felt.
It's a mistake to love someone
Unless you like despair
Far wiser would you be to just
Pretend that you don't care
It's a mistake to need someone
With all your soul but then
It's a mistake I make I fear
Again and again and again
Hard to talk about things when you have nobody to talk to.
Hard to have a good day when there's nowhere to go and nothing to do.
Hard to feel love when you end up hurting or pushing away everyone who's ever cared about you.
Being trapped inside this compassionless life has been eating my soul.
I'm complacent and lazy and I feel so alone.
It's cold it's cold it's cold.
But I guess I can feel a little less alone knowing my bones have something in common with the weather.
Writing letters to everyone who's bed I've ever slept in saying thank you for the tenderness.
*** is just a vacation from the emptiness.
Having fun seems mythical from where I stand today.
It's an art being this much of a burden, no matter where I am, I'm in somebody's way/
Happiness is an art and I'm all out of paints
passion flower and agave bloom, wild saturated pretty and saccharine
i dip my tongue
cry into this fresh fruit
my heart racing
at the taste
of all the love they said
could not be true
for me but you see
im in the higher
than our star at noon
and lavender milk
sweet like our twilight moon
harvesting my soul;
i reap at dawn
seeds you sowed with me
and the electrifying
spoils of its fruit
I share under the stars
how else do i say thankyou
for working those
barren fields with me?
you marveling at the
acres of rich soil untended to
I'm lost in a gentle sun
our tan limbs
like vines entangled blissfully