neither.
her body froze over,
attempting to protect her.
it became a block of ice,
waiting for him to leave.
when he did,
she slowly, carefully
chipped at the ice.
some parts of her
are still frozen,
but she's walking
towards the sun.

with the others,
a tiny flame burned,
then went out.
she felt cold ashes,
which choked her spirit.

with him, and only him,
a flame consumed her,
and it continues to burn.
she feels a warm glow,
which frees her spirit.

they have my heart in a chokehold.
their rough hands mold it into shape
while I am in a deep, deep slumber.

my eyes are greeted by the sun.
the white-hot pain in my chest
knocks the wind out of me.

when silence is thick, I sculpt my heart
back into its lovely, imperfect shape,
and I let it lead the way forward.

she stood in front of the headstone,
the past whispering in her ears,
encouraging her to remember the unsaid.
her strained eyes rested for a second
as she heard footsteps quietly approaching.

she looked up at the last person she expected to see
his eyes were rimmed with pain, his face stained with tears
he took one look at her, and he crumpled to the floor.
she stared at his heart, which, for the first time,
was weakly beating on his sleeve.
dagger-like shards poked out
atop numerous bruises and scars.

she took him into her arms, closing her eyes,
caressing his heart with gentle fingers
after a while, she whispered, "you okay?" and he said,
"I saw you here for years, and I couldn't approach you.
You would leave, and I would visit this headstone
right after you, and the sins weighed me down.
I finally had the strength to approach you today.
You can leave me here - it's your choice."

she looked directly into his eyes, tears streaming down her face.
her voice broke as she said, "I'm not leaving you here.
You can release these sins and we can walk together.
You can heal your heart, and I will stand with you."
she felt his heart pounding, saw the doubt in his eyes.
she stood up and extended her hand towards him.
he placed his hand in hers and rose to meet her.
they quietly prayed in front of the gravestone,
then walked away, hands intertwined.

behind them, the spirit -
the inhabitant of the gravestone -
smiled and began her ascent,
surrounded by the purest,
whitest, all-encompassing light.

the glass dome felt safe
the outside world
couldn't get in.
she could see
that outside world.
she never wanted it
until she noticed
the first crack in the dome.
she sat and watched.
after seeing more cracks,
she touched the dome.
the touches increased in force
until everyone heard
her sharp elbows
pounding on the glass.
she grew stronger
until, finally,
she broke the dome.
she's free now.

it presses my shoulder blades,
ties my neck muscles into knots,
then settles deep within my chest.
the pain is the first sign
that my body is haunted.
it then puts my thoughts
on a hamster wheel.
they run in circles
without an escape.
this is the second sign.
but my heart takes control.
it voices my thoughts
so they can be seen and heard.
it stops spinning the wheel,
slowly comes out of my chest,
unties the knots in my neck
and lets go of my shoulder blades,
and my body does not feel its weight.

for a split second,
the TV screen turned red,
followed by a shrill beep.
it was a small glitch,
too small to be noticeable,
so the television stayed.

the longer she watched it,
the more often it turned red,
the longer the high-pitched beep.
but she could never predict
when the glitch would happen,
and she waited for it to be normal.

eventually, she adjusted
to a perpetually red screen
and an irritating, shrill hum
until her friend came in,
asking why the screen was red
and where the noise was coming from.

she brushed it off,
claiming it was a glitch.
the screen stayed that way,
and the hum persisted.
her eyes slowly became weary,
and her ears started ringing.

her friend took her away.
her eyes and ears got a break,
and she saw a different screen,
one of many colors, showing life
in its beautiful and tragic moments.
she heard vivid, rich, musical voices.

she went back to her television,
exhausted, trying in vain to fix it,
but it would not change,
no matter how hard she tried.
questions bloomed in her mind
until it suddenly dawned on her.

this was never a glitch.
it was a complete malfunction.
her heart and head were pounding
as she held an antenna to her chest.
it weighed her arms down,
but she threw it across the room.

it crashed into the television,
and the screen went black.
the hum stopped, and all was quiet
except for her loud breathing.
she wept as relief washed over her
and she lay down, content at last.

the bittersweet word left my lips
but it kept the other words at bay -
the ones I could never, ever say.
I dragged those deeply rooted words,
pulling them until they wouldn't budge.
I wrapped them in my voice and let them go
until thorny feelings seized my legs
and dug into my soft, tender flesh.
my fingers bled as I separated the thorns.
they shrank, withering into the soil.
and once they did, I whispered, "goodbye"
for the second time, and I was finally free.

I stare at the 15 year old girl
for the last time
her features match mine -
the only difference was her youth
they lowered her into the ground
I covered my eyes with my hands.

a few days later, I visited her grave
wondering if her spirit was nearby
etched onto her obsidian gravestone -
"here lies innocence in its purest form,
you will be greatly missed,
1999-2015"

all the words came pouring out -
all the words she didn't have then
that I found, that I have now.
I told her that she did nothing wrong,
that I love her, that I'm sorry this happened.
the tears flowed as fast as the words.

and that was when I saw it -
her spirit - dressed in white, smiling.
her weary eyes met mine as she spoke.
"my body left, but not my soul.
he didn't take my soul away,
and he never will. I'm always here."

I embraced her with all my strength,
happy tears streaming down my face.
she smiled for the first time in a while.
I whispered, "I'll be back, I promise."
I walked away from the cemetery,
a content smile on my face.

her teeth chattered
as the frigid wind
surrounded her.
he traced her wrists,
then held her hands.
her teeth fell silent
as his eyes met hers.
in that moment,
she knew he would stay
even during the winter.

after a long monsoon,
the sun dries the cloud's tears.

today, you may be a closed tulip. but as the minutes roll by, you will slowly blossom. the wind will kiss your petals, and the rain will startle you. the sun will warm you up, and the bees will seek you as a resting place. through it all, you will stretch your leaves toward the sky, and your seeds will sprout. you will brighten days, and you will continue the circle of life.

he wanted to see if we were on the same page.
meanwhile, I was reading a different book.
its past chapters made me wince in pain,
which lived - unhealed - within me.
as his fingers lightly caressed the pages,
he whispered, "acknowledge the pain,
then close the book. you can't live like this.
we can get through this and read the same page."
I turned to the past chapters, heart pounding in fear.
instead of wincing and hurrying to the end,
I read those pages, absorbed every word,
understood the story, acknowledged its lessons,
and released it to make room for a new story.
then - and only then - I closed the book.
I kept the lessons and sat next to him.
he showed me the book he was reading from,
and now we're finally reading from the same page.

whenever their words are sandpaper
that aggressively rubs her heart
and forms stinging cuts,
her hands always reach for
her soft, fluffy, warm blanket.
as it envelops her in its warmth,
her heart heals the cuts
and becomes soft again.

his heart flowed from his fingertips
as he stood in front of the choir.
when the applause started,
an angel only visible to her
crowned him with a halo.
her heart saw the purest,
whitest light as it ascended.
every cell in her body knew
one truth in that moment -
this was the start of her first love.

closing my eyes as the sunlight kissed the window
a blooming rose lightly caressing my face,
confessing his deep, passionate love,
wrapping his leaves around me,
protecting me with his mild, earthy scent,
loving me with softness and strength.

he peeled off the bandages on his heart,
and for the first time, I saw the cuts.
some shallow, some deep.
he told me the story of each cut,
running his hands over the wounds,
wincing at the sharp pain.
my eyes filled with tears -
seeing the person I love in pain
made my own heart ache.
yet I remained quiet, listened,
gave him space to share his story,
and let him know that I understood.
he trusts me, and I refuse to cut his heart.
I love him, and I'll never put him through that.

then...
was intangible
less than a spirit
its voice inaudible
color exited life.

now...
is truly tangible
a spirit with a bright aura
its voice so enticing and loud
that color is entering life again.

the clouds were crying
to release the weight
from their shoulders.
yet there was no storm,
no ominous claps or flashes.
the sky was the lightest blue -
content, tranquil, at peace.

is something I wish someone would have said when I was falling through the depths of hell and my spirit was being burned over and over again and my voice was eroding while they cast my pain aside and took my power away so they could feel comfortable. they forced me to stuff the feelings deep within my heart and look perfect for the pictures so they could feel comfortable. they kept pushing me more and more, even though every cell in my body was joining forces to keep me from falling apart, so they could be comfortable. my body and mind were wrung out and tattered, and I thought the only way out was to do it myself. i would have given anything for them to say "I'm worried about her" and actually DO something about it. but they wouldn't have been comfortable with that, would they?

ink flows out of my brain
through my blood vessels
to my soft fingertips.
my hands curl into fists
as I crumple a sheet of paper.
a corner lightly cuts my finger,
and the ink flows onto the page.

the lion tiptoes in circles around her.
her mind spins in opposite circles
while the voice in her head yells "run."
but her limbs freeze and lock into place.
she hides her breath deep in her lungs,
staring straight into the lion's eyes
hoping it won't feel the fear in the air.
each second crashes onto her shoulders,
until the lion slowly saunters away,
becoming a small shape in the distance.

the vibrant plants
and talkative animals
cleared a path for her.
she followed that path
for a while, then paused.
she sat at the bank of the river
watching the leaves go by.
she placed her fears,
doubts, and troubles
onto these leaves,
whispered "goodbye,"
and let them float away.

she yells from the bottom of a well,
thinking someone will hear her.
no one does, so she climbs.

as she's climbing, she hears a voice
that voice sends her tumbling
toward the bottom of the well.

she yells until she can't anymore
bursts into tears, curls up into a ball -
and desperately wants to be heard.

to read my past journal entries is
to walk on an intimately familiar path,
one in which I know the major landmarks,
the steep mountains, and the deep valleys.

even though I can walk on this path
with my eyes closed and get through,
I don't. I slow down on the way,
noticing flowers I didn't see before.

I pluck a leaf off every flower stem,
and keep it safely between my palms.
the leaves remind me of the flowers
that grew despite the harsh conditions.

whenever I wish for a new beginning,
I blow on a leaf and let it guide me.
I smile, exhale, and walk forward.
behind me, new flowers are blooming.

I wanted a doctorate,
one that specialized in him -
to know him so thoroughly
that the lines on his palms were
ones I could recite in my sleep
I was so close to getting it.

His voice caught my attention.
"What?" he asked kindly.
"Oh, nothing," I said nonchalantly
as I averted my eyes,
kept the blossoming love hidden.
I resolved to try another day.

life is a voyage across the sea.
you may end up in a storm.
you try to control your ship
when you hear the siren
taunting you with promises.

"you don't need to face this."
"there's an easy way out."
"you can give up."
"let the wind take you."
"what's the point of this?"

those promises are weightless.
you know the siren will lead you
into what seems like your paradise,
then throw you off the ship
and leave you to the sharks.

even as that voice tempts you,
listen to the hopeful voice inside you,
the one that reminds you of your power.
"it may be difficult right now,
but this storm won't last forever."

you can then adjust your sails,
tell your crew what you need,
and safely get through the storm's eye.
when you get through, the storm fades.
the sunshine warms you up, and you sail.

a person with a mind and soul
made of colorful, vivid ribbons
quietly walks through the world.
she expects to feel the warmth
of their smiles on her face.
their eyes softly crinkle
when they're with each other.
when they walk toward her,
they grimace - every single time.
their voices fade until
she can only hear the sound
of her loud breathing,
feel the chill in the air,
and blink the tears away.

The rose caressed my fingers.
"he loves me, he loves me not."
My eyes could only see red.
"he loves me, he loves me not."
Ready to peel the sweet bud -
"he loves me, he loves me not."

His gentle fingers grazed mine.
"I love you, I love you so."
His eyes were milk chocolates.
"I love you, I love you so."
The petals clung to the rose.
"I love you, I love you so."

her hands lost their balance.
an unnoticeable tremor
pumped through her fingers.
as she waited for him to arrive,
she wondered if the time apart
made him a foreign place.

when he finally arrived,
and important tales were shared,
and his smile lit up her heart,
her hands found their balance.
he felt like a home again,
even after all these years.

for the first time in my life, I'm not hiding.
I stand with my walls down and my heart open.
my legs are shaking, and my breathing is shallow.

he wraps his arms around me to keep me steady.
my head rests on his chest as he strokes my hair.
I close my eyes for a moment, finally able to rest.

I look at him carefully, and I see no armor.
his walls are down and his heart is open.
his legs are shaking, and his breathing is shallow.

we hold each other until our love grows roots.
then we let go, and our smiles illuminate the world.
he takes my hand in his, and we walk together.

we begin our reunion
with soft, sultry, glowing eyes.
then my fingers ignite his skin
until hungry, crackling fire
consumes our passionate souls.

our laughs tumbled around us
as our eyes crinkled in mirth.
and I froze the moment,
crystallizing it in my memory
as the words "god, I love you"
freely fell from my lips.
he caught the soft words
with his own: "I love you,"
and our lips danced in harmony.

my love for him
is intricately woven
into my body.
the loose ends are
tied in a perfect bow
on top of my heart.

she studies his soft features
with furrowed eyebrows,
catching every detail
in the palm of her hand.
the palm lines show their story.

when her heart flutters faster
than the wings of a hummingbird,
his steady heartbeat anchors her
to the solid ground underneath their feet.

their laughter drifts into the air.
her honey irises sparkle
every time his smile
warms up the room.
these moments with him
form sugar crystals.
the crystals are kept
close to her heart
as her love for him grows.

my love carries
the scent of vanilla perfume.
it drifts through me,
then dances with the wind
until it finally reaches him,
the man a thousand miles away,
and brings us closer together.

she waits for the days when their eyes will meet again. the days when his arms keep the rest of the world out in order to let her in. the days when his smile beckons her to drop the armor at his feet and present her raw, vulnerable self to him. the days when her eyes drink him in slowly and deliberately to savor the memory.

until then, her laughter rings out over hundreds of miles. his caring questions touch her heart just the same. his musings about random topics never fail to rivet her. her smile lingers long after their talks, and her love never dies.

my love for him
infused itself into  
the natural melody
of my voice.
I wonder if he noticed.

whenever she sees him,
the corners of her eyes
crinkle into intricate origami.
if anyone looks closely,
they'll see a soft glow
and maybe even folded hearts.
that's her love for him.

his words are stitched
into the fabric of her soul.
her smile is here to stay.

he helped me untangle
the knots in my mind
just by being there.

life, for her, was a masquerade ball.
her purse was full of colorful masks.
each mask was carefully crafted,
designed to impress everyone else.
she was always watchful
with one hand in her purse
so she could switch masks.

he walked into the ballroom,
slowly approaching her.
she took off her mask,
fumbling in her purse
for a different one.
he caressed her arm
and shook his head.

the breeze tickled her face 
for the first time during the ball.
he quietly gazed into her eyes,
smiled to calm her racing heart,
then pressed his lips to her cheek.
they danced for the rest of the ball,
and her masks were never seen again.