Perhaps he wasn't an angel from the sky

Or a superhero with the ability to fly



...But instead just a boy who liked to get real high

Your smile gives hope
Becomes sunrise each morning
Just more beautiful

Child, enjoy now,
Fear not the pain and sorrow
Leave that to adults

Trees turning late September
Leaves nosediving the ground
I know I should be changing too
Think as evening comes around

Fighting my shifting demons
Dropped to shaking knees
Autumn's knife struck my heart
Chill spreading like disease

With eyes shut in cold apprehension
Underneath a waning moon
Dreams
Sunshine
Disappear and are replaced
By fear of Winter coming soon

Wrapped tight in blanket of desperation
Colors switch to dull from bright
The nights steadily grow longer
See less and less clinging daylight

Making pathetic attempts
Lift myself off the floor
To transform like the weather
Wishing to not be the same anymore

But heart remains frozen solid
The months continue on
Seek a metamorphosis
Still meet resistance each dawn

Temperatures decrease little by little
Doubts and insecurity rise
Avoid facing the bitter wind
Everything in nature dies

Animals go into complete hiding
Have to admit I relate
Sleeping in to escape the world
A way I also hibernate

I try climbing towards my goals
Instead like seasons dizzily Fall down
Stripped barer than naked jagged branches
Forced beneath icy feelings to drown

Frost covers each surface
Departs as morning wakes
Dew remains as evidence
Like shavings after erased mistakes

Not long until snow layers earth
Buries all white touches
I couldn't bury flaws as well
Bad habits caught in my clutches

I stand rigid as an anchor
Though it might sound strange
Time ages all surroundings
Somehow I don't change

I am done with heartfelt tears
Tired of hiding my pain
Self-pitying routine of mine
Driving me insane

Smiling at you will no longer hurt me
You won't make me cry
Not going to waste my time
Thinking about goodbye

I will not wish another day
One more chance with you
It's not going to help anything
Doesn't matter what I do

And step by step I see slow change
Sometimes you compliment me
The other day you ruffled my hair
So different from how we used to be

I refuse to whine because we are friends
That's more than nothing at all
Heart still missing the love disappeared
Yet too afraid to fall

I am alone
But not yet lonely
A little fearful of heartache
I don't need somebody new
Just need a little break

You swear you really mean it
I'm pretty sure you don't
Too often I have let you slide
Counting on the fact you won't

I've asked you to try my shoes on
You don't hear a word I say
Too busy ranting while you stomp
Storming the opposite way

I'll succeed with or without your help
Slowly dying with stubborn pride
Opinions don't control me anymore
Or cut me inside

I do not care if you revoke support
You'll be my Mama no matter what
Is it hard to accept me for who I am?
Hiding behind a door tightly shut

It is tiring attempting to make you proud
Sad thing to see you cry
I disappear for I can't bear your tears
Unable to handle the disappointment in your eyes

A long time ago was the reason you smiled
Old photograph serves as proof
Held me through the years
Held me down
Handed out name slurred with *****

Now we do not even sit down to eat dinner
On steps I lay my dreams
A broken home empty of potential
Collecting on dusty beams

Drinking from your water bottle
That's not what's actually inside
Wind tipping you off balance
Alone as guilt you hide

At grey clouds I shudder
Foundation of our fears
Still true to trust and time
Detached demeanor clears

Wish I had courage to call you out
Call your bluff
Admit I know
When you tell me to get out
You really mean "please do not go"

Smoking until struggles fade to black
Leave for awhile but always come back
To the dust collected in my nooks
Heard by crannies between books

I fear none of problems non-existent replies
The gaze from inanimate objects eyes
Control the balance of my silent possessions
They swirl in the wake of my useless expressions

I stand firm amidst the hum of talking nothingness
My hands like swords in my confessed stress
World is small
Yet this planet so large
My fight I falter as troubles barge

No orders conquer my will to go on
Am a survivor of each passing dawn
Home is battlefield in which I slumber
My skills adapt and grow in number

They are put to test by life's curveballs
Believe in what is at the top of these walls
Waving freedom with my face in the mud
Death nobly boiling in my blood

As I try to improve presence bit by bit
Rings distant from where I sit
I continue forth hoping better is what tomorrow will be
No way to tell
I guess I'll have to wait and see

This is the end
Another year
Lying under the moon
Without you would be lost
Room colder than Neptune

It does not matter my location
Cough wracks lonely lungs
Roll over
Shut my tired eyes
Dawn forces mornings hum

Do you feel heavy weight like me?
As your emotions fall
I can sense the incoming year
The impressive looming wall

Where do you go when my presence is not there?
The absence of my gaze
Who's eyes get captured in a stare?
While you mouth the word "always"
What do you clutch when you're scared?
My hand too far away
Wonder how well you'll fare
On your own when skies turn grey
Does someone gently stroke your hair?
Are you genuinely okay?
Is it difficult to breathe air?
Body caught in a craze
When we are apart are you even aware?
That next to I no longer lay?
Am I nothing more than spare?
Part to use then throw away
For who do you pretend to care?
With constructed words you say
Many times you have said "I swear"
Unsaid it the very next day
Please answer the question "where?"
Where does your heart wander when it strays?

The eyes
Windows to the soul
When it's dark
Mind awakens
Always whole
In the night
The only spark

Darkness flows through life
Loved the sun and moon for light
Hug the night sky tight

Crowded bar
Drink held in hand
Music blaring loud
Pretty sure my soul is ******
After the second round

Shot of whiskey down throat
One more to follow
Sea of ***** keeping afloat
Weightless with each swallow

Dizzy head
Thick and light
Clouded
Pulsing
And hazy
Tiredness drags down my sight
Legs relaxed and lazy

Warmth spreads throughout torso
Fingertips begin to tingle
Euphoria inside my brain grows
My neurons and serotonin mingle

Air heavy
Sweat and motion
Humid heat clinging to my skin
Around me is a blurred commotion
Logic and sense wearing thin

Tummy performing cartwheels
Whole place unbalanced and dark
Stool wobbly underneath my heels
Bartender pouring from a fifth of Monarch

Saturday night in a tiny town
Where everything else is just too far
So you find yourself driving the same road down
To the local nothing-better-to-do bar

Only her scarce trust
She saves and is stingy with
Freely spending time

A thousand reasons I should go
I should leave you behind
Know it's unhealthy
The way
I am unable to get you out of my mind

Believe when I tell you
In moments I could disappear
Wouldn't see me anymore
If so but I'd still be near

We are soulmates I am positive
Am drawn to your energy
Love is what we share
Friends is what we'll always be

Regardless of what happens between us
Always want to be part of your life
Are meant to be together somehow
Even if not as husband and wife

We will be there for each other
As lovers or best friends
Til the entire universe implodes
Time itself meets it's end

You will always have a place in my bed
As well as a place in my heart
You'll always be my first choice
Even if you decide to depart

The cruel reality of life and love
Is sometimes it doesn't work
It is tragic but if you care too much
Often you'll end up getting hurt

Something creates chasms between us
Drugs
Family
Or maybe thoughts
So tired of getting my heart broken
Just attempting to connect the dots

Consumed by dumb insecurity
Troubling my true perception
Causing me to worry about
You
Your possible deception

My fear drives a wedge between
As a result I only accuse
Both want to wipe slates clean
Tried but what is the use?

To keep living like this is madness
Punishing our hearts with pain
Friends warn me to be careful
All think I'm insane

Some might label me stupid
Foolish and naive
Just because I tolerate your *******
Does not mean that I believe

Different excuse each time you call
Letting me know you've let me down
You disappoint me over and over
Love is the reason I stay around

This must be destiny

I hear echoes of warnings from my former self ricocheting in my head

This must be deserved for the plethora of ways I have hurt people

To mark me with pain I will remember and maybe be a better person

This must be fate
There was no other way out

I still hope things will improve but I think this suffering was intended and therefore my punishment must be served