Only her scarce trust
She saves and is stingy with
Freely spending time

A thousand reasons I should go
I should leave you behind
Know it's unhealthy
The way
I am unable to get you out of my mind

Believe when I tell you
In moments I could disappear
Wouldn't see me anymore
If so but I'd still be near

We are soulmates I am positive
Am drawn to your energy
Love is what we share
Friends is what we'll always be

Regardless of what happens between us
Always want to be part of your life
Are meant to be together somehow
Even if not as husband and wife

We will be there for each other
As lovers or best friends
Til the entire universe implodes
Time itself meets it's end

You will always have a place in my bed
As well as a place in my heart
You'll always be my first choice
Even if you decide to depart

The cruel reality of life and love
Is sometimes it doesn't work
It is tragic but if you care too much
Often you'll end up getting hurt

Something creates chasms between us
Drugs
Family
Or maybe thoughts
So tired of getting my heart broken
Just attempting to connect the dots

Consumed by dumb insecurity
Troubling my true perception
Causing me to worry about
You
Your possible deception

My fear drives a wedge between
As a result I only accuse
Both want to wipe slates clean
Tried but what is the use?

To keep living like this is madness
Punishing our hearts with pain
Friends warn me to be careful
All think I'm insane

Some might label me stupid
Foolish and naive
Just because I tolerate your *******
Does not mean that I believe

Different excuse each time you call
Letting me know you've let me down
You disappoint me over and over
Love is the reason I stay around

This must be destiny

I hear echoes of warnings from my former self ricocheting in my head

This must be deserved for the plethora of ways I have hurt people

To mark me with pain I will remember and maybe be a better person

This must be fate
There was no other way out

I still hope things will improve but I think this suffering was intended and therefore my punishment must be served

Always will I love you
Always will I care
Always will I need your touch
Always will I be there
Always will I listen
Always will I be your friend
Always will I crave your kiss
Always I will until the end
Always will I hold you close
Always I will til the last of our days
Always will I be yours forever
Because you have my heart...
Always

I'm starting to question
What is family?
What does that word really mean?
Thought I knew the definition
Contradicting what evidence I've seen

As kids are told that our parents have the answers
Zero reason to believe otherwise
We trust, obey, and rely on them
They nurture us with lies

Like "We do not have a favorite child"
"We love you and your brother the same"
You'd rank two different colors equally
As long as sharing a similar name?

The words, stories, and advice passed along
From elders through the years
Vague clique anecdotes
To pacify our fears

But we cannot be anything we want
We aren't perfect just the way we are
Wish my mother had warned me
Some goals are just too far

We try hard to make them proud
Opinions matter so much
You grow up and realize
Flawed they are so you lose touch

Honor mother and father
Commandment known to all
Guess the Bible's author never shared his
With pills or a bottle of alcohol

Blood thicker than water?
Sayings a joke to me
Thinner than sheets of paper
About the same transparency

Family above everything
I dont think that's fair
Sick of putting people first
When they don't seem to care

Relatives are supposed to lend a hand
Express unjudgmental support
Every time I need help from them
Always somehow come up short

Hastily taking others sides
No matter what arguments about
Assuming I must be totally wrong
They refuse to hear me out

Unconditional love I will always have
That doesn't equal unconditional respect
Don't extend the same courtesy to me
What do they expect?

I have friends treat me better
Than own relatives
Who don't hold over my head
Favors or gifts she/he gives

My parents jealous of my boyfriend
They refuse to understand
I always put him first
Against them take stand

Maybe because he strives every day
Does all he can just to see me smile
Isn't perfect
But when it counts,
He will go the extra mile

They do not care about my happiness
In fact
The last thing on their list
Just want to control me
Push away but they persist

My brother thinks he is superior
Lecturing how I should live the right way
Disagree with a few of his own life choices
The difference is I don't say

I will always be there for them when I can
Even though they aren't always there for me
Mom and Dad sure set great examples
Examples of what NOT to be

Family is a meaningless word
I learned that long ago
Just because someone created your life
Does not mean to them your life you owe

I know they love me as I love them
It's difficult to see
The messed up **** they do
Is because they care for me

But the word "family" lost meaning
The older (and wiser) I became
Now only really matters
When referring to last name

Celebrate small wins
That which are overlooked
Things causing grins
Stuff in places you may not have looked

Traveled many roads
Every direction I walk
Leads back to your arms

I never truly understood before
Meaning of the word "bittersweet"
Until this moment our fingers
Cautiously extend to meet

The rush of longing fills body
Mix of nostalgia and despair
Electric passion flowing through me
Almost more than I can bear

The teardrops wet my expressionless face
I am thankful the sky is dark
You tentatively fiddle with the radio
Unaware I'm falling apart

I am trying so hard to be grateful
Each second I spend with you
The whole time our skin is touching
Wondering if you're grateful too

My eyes glisten and betray dismay
You finally notice something is wrong
Crack a joke to make me laugh a little
The happiness only lasts so long

One look at you
My hopes soar
In sinking waves of blue drown
Scolding stupid emotions for flying
I know our love will come crashing down

Yet despite desperate restraints
Expectations climb against will
So fond of you it makes me sick
Too infatuated I feel ill

The air coats clothes with loneliness
Lungs with empty residue
Stardust permeates sore limbs
Brightening everything we do

So curl up halfway on your lap
Savoring temporary bliss
The agonizing thoughts lurking in my brain
Are not so easy to dismiss

The ecstasy blooming in my center
Is why I remain here
Why does all the good between us
Have to be tainted by pain or fear?

The sizzling sensations are sweet
Presence infects my core with glitter
It's the inevitable hurt when you break me in two
Rendering me jaded and bitter

Now I realize how wonderful
Yet awful that word can be
Learned it is impossible
Spelling bittersweet without "we"

Sometimes need loving
Step outside your comfort zone
Some fresh air and breathe

Last day of 2019

To fill-up on pre-twenties thrills and dump old regrets before the etch-a-sketch of your life is shaken clear once more

What might be last chances to indulge the whims of the former version of yourself

And what might be impossible this year will become an accomplishable goal with the flipping of the calender

Have been counting down this moment for the last 24 hours and finally midnight is here

The moment felt your lips on mine again
Footsteps on my heart
Wings filled not only my stomach
Fluttered through each part

Even being apart for months
Still run back to your embrace
Beginning to wonder if we truly love
Or just love the chase

I have given all I had before
Won't do the same thing twice
Took until there was nothing left
Inside my heart but butterflies and ice

**** violent urges
Heaven's gate in your smile
Hook with fleeting surges of warmth
Through frozen veins for miles

No one able to light up my body like you
The way winding happiness spreads throughout
Like wildfire with one single touch
Burning hesitation in my core along with doubt

I do not know why I let you back into my life
Into every tissue and cell
Thought that I was free from your control
Rooted too deeply to completely expel

And the things I used to love
No longer light inner fire
Search and search but never find
Missing lost desire

They say "it is the little things"
That I know is true
Of all the little things
Best by far is you

The little things done for me
Each and every tiring day
The moments that stick with me
Take my breath away

Awakening to morning kisses
Start my a.m. right
Smile on your handsome face
In my direct sight

Writing cute sweet poems
Impress on holidays
One example of how you won me
With your charming ways

Buying fragrant flowers in February
This year a sparkly touch
Added a little something extra
Red roses weren't enough

Those "Goodmorning beautiful" texts sent
Distance kept us apart
Shirt smelling like you to keep by my side
You could only be close to my heart

How we joke with eachother
Nightly call me the meanest names
Insults are merely teasing
Others plain don't understand our games

This morning danced around to a rap song
Wearing a smile and underwear
Made me Eggo waffles for breakfast
Thank you babe for showing you care

I guess I owe a multitude
Of little moments like that
The kind small tokens of love
You work to complete each act

So I must try with all my might
A simple girl to prove
That I love you though you outnumber me
In little things but will you help me improve?