i keep on thinking of words—
to unite, to collide;
but in everything that i do,
memories of you and i,
sweep me off of my feet—
with such delight.

So, I was tired, ( as you know :)
and decided to honour and surrender my tiredness  for as long as I write the poem, at list, ...

~~~
After surrendering:

Driving to pick up a client, - Hilda,

You know Hilda,
She is the wife of the ex Italian mafia driver,

- Hilda comes,
She is seeing me, - smiling happily
( last night in her email she was in lots of pain, I expected her to cry, ...)
- we drive,

She speaks, ... I drive and listen,
( my job is to listen and breathe)
How she applied for unemployment
and the difficulties, bureaucracy, and stress
of loosing her job because of Covid,

- I listen, ...  I am no longer tired, ...

I was happy to drive Hilda, ...

I guess your story dont really matter unless you beat a ****** case.
Unless you sell a lot of plates.
Unless you gang banging your set
With a gun and big chain.
Fell into this life young
but I’m im glad that I got out safe.
Came sacrifices from my body
But I still made it out that place.
Others weren’t so lucky
to live and see another day.
Some spent their time in prison
Came home and found another way.
Some do the same ****
Guess they learning the hard way.
If he’s was smart he’d take his family
And move far far away.
Man I live for the vision
But the time is just ticking.
I give this **** my all
and never planned on quitting.
Seen ****** blow up with one song
And I ain’t ego trippin.
It’s just been ten years of grinding
On this one big mission.
All the days through depression
Staring gaze at a weapon.
Spin the chamber put to my head
if it bang it’s a blessing.
Some say it’s weak
I say easy it’s if you tired of living.
Hard to fight back when your body has been wired to give in.
Needed god to pick me up
But I just kept on slipping.
Some just keep on smoking.
Some just keep on drinking.
I just keep on thinking
When will I be winning.

We all have goals we want to achieve
But we're not willing to put the work required
It may have to do with how we perceive
the road should be to reach our desires


When reality's different from expectation
The fire in you begins to decrease
It also goes down with your motivation
Then your strength to continue completely cease

What that means is your outlook just needs to change
Nothing good in life is never ever easy
When challenges come, don't think it's something strange
Because that's how life goes, things never go smoothly

Put God first and you surely will make it through
And along with that you need some discipline
If you're passionate, work harder to prove it's true
With time and consistency you'll certainly win

You can do it, so push yourself to the limit
It's with great dedication the legends did it
Focus on your goals and ignore the critics
Keep it up long enough you will surely make it

To all the goodbyes
I say goodnight
To everyone that dies
I hope it's bright

To everyone;
With a razor
Hand of pills
Tied rope
Dangling keys
Extreme height below
Finger over a light trigger
Electricity at hand
Open propane tank
Empty plate, with full glass

Stop, think about who you're leaving behind
I know my words aren't going to stop you, but just read
Did you bother to write and leave a note?
Is it worth it then?
Saying you're sorry, knowing you'll leave someone behind?
Stop. Think about why you're doing it
Do you have nobody?
Think about your opportunities that'll fly past
The chance of ever meeting someone?
Did you lose someone?
Think about if you'll actually see them again?
Being bullied?
Fight back, with whatever you have
Life shoved you down?
No, I'm not asking you to get up!
I'm telling you to get your *** into a nap
Think about all the possibilities that might not be
Think of all the opportunities and people in the future
Think of your legacy
Think of anything except the pain
Now balance the pain and everything else
Want to jump? Skyfall
Want to shoot? Paintball and games
Want to hang? Bungee
Want to overdose? Take 10% of it and party
Suffocate in propane gas, or blow up? Cook a nice meal, invite a friend or family. Surround yourself. No friends and family? Find a friend, build a family.
Want to speed wrong side of the road? Speed on the right side of the road and get carried with the wind, do it over again
Want to cut yourself? Cut off the pain and wrong influences
Electrocute yourself? Rather save electricity and watch a good movie with friends or family. Have none? Watch a movie alone, play a game online. Make friends, build a family
Want to starve yourself so you can get drunker and finally forget it all, when your liver gives in? Eat a lot more, blow off some steam at the gym and build a body that girls/guys would like, attract them and make new friends. Drink with friends.

I've tried many things, some of them didn't work out, or I couldn't stay awake longer. Create new dreams if the old ones died. Work hard for them. Achieve something
"At least leave a ******* legacy behind" is what my bestfriend, Steph used to say
"You can get out of this alive, but maybe a little ****** up, but anything damaged can be repaired" My bestfriend Josh used to say
"Life can carry you away without what you thought you needed" my bestfriend Divene used to say

Even more quotes from people I've lost in my life, so I ask you just think about it all
Still going through with it? Remember it's a one way ticket