woke up flustered in the middle of the night
with tears in my eyes, & you on my mind

i'm sorry i'm so ******* average

dark* skin
dark souls
dark colors
dark coffee
dark humor
dark clothes
dark romance
dark chocolate
dark literature

*i suppose i've always had an intimate relationship with the darkness

love is like water;
**it always finds a way

"she's a simple girl"
they say about me
judging me upon
my plain clothes,
and even plainer face

"she's a simple girl"
they say about me
judging me upon
my lack of words
regarding frivolous topics
hair, make-up,
who's dating who

"she's a simple girl"
they say about me
judging me upon
the fact that i'd rather stay in
with a book curled up in bed
as opposed to a wild night out
downing glasses of God knows what

but would they invest the effort
and just a little bit of their time
to try and understand
the complexities of my mind
the ideas
the perspectives,
the roads less traveled

would they ask me what i am passionate about
they would receive not a few words
but uncountable volumes full of my greatest dreams
and most sacred desires

ask me what i love and i will tell you
about how deeply i care for the concept of community
humanitarianism, how my biggest dream
is to bring people together

if they saw the thoughts which keep me up all night
how was i created? why was i created?
why me? why not?
my purpose and philosophy of life?
to be, or not to be?
who? what? where? why?

if only they tried to look beyond the surface
and dive in deep
they would realize that i am no shallow pond
but a raging deep ocean
full of emotion and thought
belief, and purpose.

i am a simple girl* when it comes to matters of materialism
i am a simple girl when it comes to speaking my mind
i am a simple girl when it comes to my lack of interest in manipulation, mind-games and gossip

i am a simple girl
until you stop judging me for what you see
&
*begin understanding me for who i am

when she stops writing about you,
it's time to sound the alarms

he can't tell
that she's been crying
while she promises him
she's "fine"
he can't tell
that she's slowly dying
when she tells him
"everything's alright"

you'll lose her
she's fading
this won't last long
you'll be left
empty handed
wondering
where you went wrong
by that time
it'll be
too late
she'll be
*gone.

i just want my innocence back
but once lost, it can never be found

i just want to go home
but that is no longer a place rather an unreachable person

i just miss my daddy
but he doesn't really care about me anymore

i just don't want to be a liar anymore
but no one can handle the truth

i'm just sick of breaking his heart
but i have a track record of shattering everything i touch

it just hurts knowing you're not around anymore
but there's not much more i can do after begging on my knees

i just don't know where I'm going from here
but i guess it doesn't matter anyway

i just feel really alone
but i'm surrounded by people who claim to love me

i just want him to hold me*
but he's miles away

that's all you're good at anyway

don't worry, my angel
daddy will be home soon

i know he's been a while
but don't let that waiver your smile
he truly loves you so
he’d never let you go
it doesn’t always show
but always know
that you are his definition of joy
his definition of pride
his definition of home
you have his ever-shining eyes
and his spirit of love is within you
use that to understand
that even though daddy loves you so
he can’t always hold your hand
he can't always be at home
but you’ll never be alone
i know you miss him
but look deep within
he's always in your heart
just close your eyes
and imagine his smiling face
sun-kissed and oh so lovely
picture being in his arms
and think of all his cheesy jokes
it'll help you get by
it hurts, it does
but baby girl,
always know
daddy will
return
because
no matter where in the world he lives
you* will always be his *home

i am a paradox
i am a contradiction
i am an oxymoron
i am a hypocrite

i am a walking talking
"yes, no, maybe"

black one day
white the other
lingering between the two
because I have no morals
and I speak of fake values

never choosen a side
never made a concrete decision
my grand words oppose
my petty actions
and yet, still overshadow them
i sugarcoat them
with lame excuses for excuses

my faults are the night sky
the twinkling stars are but airplanes
polluting the purity
mistaken for a force of beautiful nature
when it is indeed
destructing
the good
destructing
the holy
with its very existence

i leap
from one pond
to the other
politically correct
depending on the situation

i am the northman
claiming to belong to the south

i am the liar
i am the lie

neither here nor there
never here
never there
*never anywhere

they say i'll never find a home
if i spend my whole life on the road

why can't they see
*the road is home to me

you send me pictures
of the flowers you saw this morning
and told me you think of me
everytime you see something beautiful


what saddens me is not that you are so far away
rather, that we let a fire with the ability to burn down acres
die into a flame barely strong enough to light the way


*we have become limited to
photographs & greeting cards.

you occupy the cracks
in this broken heart of mine

you're* pulling me into the future
he's pulling me into the past
i'm not sure how long
this tug of war will last

i'm tearing at the seams
nothing seems-
real anymore. i'm going numb
i can't stop thinking about your tongue-
in my mouth and all i want to do
is run away from everyone, from the few-
that love me the most.
i've become a ghost
my paper thin
skin
is ripping
i'm tripping-
on my mistakes and regrets
lying to myself saying it's for the best
i want to go home
i say while i'm sitting at home
i want to go home
i want to go home
i want to go home
this is excruciating
it's hard differentiating-
between those who use you
and those who love you tru-
ly
the weight on my chest makes it hard to breathe
your arms around me is all i need
to hold the pieces of me together
we should be together
we should be together forever
i need to go
i need to go
i need you to know
i can't take this anymore
i don't want to be a *****
i'm done
i want to run
i'm so scared
my skin's been bared
and i'm screaming
forgive me for breathing
forgive me for polluting your world
i'm so hurt
i miss you it hurts
my skin itches and burns
i wonder
i ponder
when i started falling
and when this hollowing-
pain begun in my empty heart
i want to go back to the start
i'm done with tearing my heart-
apart
i'm done with handing out bits of me
hoping they'll accept me for me
and then being met with
so much ****
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm so so sor-
ry. i'll go away now. i won't hurt you anymore.

i want to lie on my bed with you
listening to old records
with songs about love & throwing away your life
while your legs entangle mine
let’s numb our minds
and think about no further than today
i want to taste the magic on your lips
and feel the strength in your arms
let's just ****
& forget that we’re ****** up
big city kids from broken families
looking for love in all the wrong places
let’s just get wasted
& reclaim our place in the wastelands
exhale our pain
a purple haze
feed me the smoke
from your mouth
blow it into me
& i’ll blow you
i’ll pretend your electric eyes
are the solution to all my problems
and you can pretend
as if my mouth wrapped around you
is all you need in life
forget about the guts and the gore
forget about the half written suicide note
stuck to the backside of your bedside table
which you gave up writing because you realized
once you're gone, no one's going to give a ****
never have, never will
& the fact that last night, you cried yourself to sleep
because you knew your mother was two doors down, doing the exact same thing
we'll forget about the fact that we've got no path or direction
that we're going nowhere, and we're going nowhere fast
& that we're a mix of self-loathing and self-pity
we're sad kids
belonging to an even sadder generation
let's lose control
it's better than losing our minds
i'll pull your hair and cry out in pleasure
it's better than pulling my own and crying out in pain
i'd rather kiss your scars
than deal with my own
i'd rather let you bury your head in my chest
than admit that i'm itching to bury myself six feet under
i'd rather scream your name and beg you for more
than scream at the demons in my head & beg them to leave me alone
the drugs help
but you numb me better
pills are nice
but i'd rather have you in my mouth
i'm looking at the way you see right through me
and it makes me feel at home to be around someone as lost as i am
i see your broken nails and peeled skin
and i know we're cut from the same cloth
because that look in your sad eyes
is one my own know all too well
so let’s just listen to old records
with songs about regret & wasted time
& pretend as if we can’t relate to them
*not one little bit

saturday night dates
turn to tv dinners

you forget when the last time
he surprised you with roses was

you no longer wake up
to make him breakfast before work

he no longer calls you
in the middle of the day
unless, of course,
it's to remind you to pick up his laundry

dressing up
is limited to social gatherings
you're in your jammies when he gets home

*** becomes routine
it's no longer passionate, more like a tiresome duty

your **** lingerie is pushed to the back of the closet
& truthfully, he doesn't seem to care much

you'd rather be on the phone
than talking to each other

you don't crave him the way you did
he's no longer interested in the world inside your head

"how was work?" "fine"
"how are you?" "okay"

he tells you he loves you
but it doesn't mean much anymore

honestly speaking, its all become a bore
being with him just means more chores

i guess that's the thing about love
it wears out
*the magic can only last so long

sometimes false hope is better than no hope at all

you sleep with your hands between your thighs,
there's pain in your heart
&
**he's on your mind

they were just kids
begging for a taste
of the outside world
waiting for a hint of freedom
which could be used
just like a lighter
to set aflame the bonfire
they'd been building all year

when the heat set in
and days begun to get longer
the glimmer in their eyes shined brighter than ever
school ties were lost
& backpacks were filled with
anything but books

summer by the beach
under the stars
in each others arms
making memories
bound to last them
far more than a lifetime
leaving a mark
everywhere they went
so that once all this was over,
they'd continue to live on
with the legacy they left behind

lies & guys
kiss curls & girls
bars & cars
jubilation & intoxication

oh, they never thought it would end
and to be honest,
they didn't care
because nothing could compare
to the way the grass felt against their bare legs
or the way the sun burnt their rosy cheeks
they found all the needed within one another
whether it was arms to hold them
to keep them from falling apart
a smile to remind them
they were never alone
or lips
to help them remember
that there was more to life
than the nine to five routine

but as the cool winds begun coming ashore
taking back with them the summer love
the ecstasy was bound to start wearing off
back to black hair ties, black shoes & black hearts they went
back to the reality of it all
the summer spell broken
but reality could only keep them bound for oh, so long
because 9 months later
they'd be back
stronger
faster
brighter
smarter
with untethered souls
& shattered hearts
willing to throw it all away
for a night worth remembering



*[ a tribute to summer ]

when we talk
you always ask
"how are you?"
before you ask me
"what's up?"
& to me,
**that makes all the difference

you are both
the art
& the artist
every move you make
is painted in color

you are both
the poem
& the poet
you speak
in ballads

inspired & inspirational
motivated & motivational

you have purpose
you have drive
you're not scared
you strive

that fire in your soul
the spark in your eyes
enough to set the world ablaze
a mind bound by no limits
a body willing to test new parameters

untethered
never going to surrender

philosophy makes up your very being
your words deserve to be written in volumes
you are
inches away from touching the stars
i suspect you were made of stardust
invaluable, irreplaceable, shining in the night sky

you belong to a different era
& you're not afraid to speak the ancient language
you are from both the future and the past
at the same time
inside you are both fireworks and candlelights
you are a greek statue in a museum
you are a sultan in the ottoman empire

you are both the soldier
and the war
all at once

you
are
a
wonder
& never will I
be able to fathom
the fact that
you
are
*mine

I.
if you'd never told me you loved me
i wouldn't be lying awake at 3:03am wishing you were besides me
i wouldn't see lovers together & burn flames of envy
the pangs of missing you wouldn't cause me to skip meals
i wouldn't spend all my time wanting to hurry back home & so that i could talk to you
i wouldn't worry all the time about how you were doing without me
my body would not crave your touch
my heart would not slowly fade away
my mind would not constantly be haunted by the memories of us
if you'd never told me you loved me


II.
if you'd never told me you loved me
i would be lying awake at 3:03am wondering how i could get you to love me despite all my numerous flaws
i would see lovers together & my frail heart would crash & burn knowing we'd never be together
i would skip meals over meals, filling my stomach with the "what ifs"
i would spend all my time wanting to talk to you, even though you weren't mine
i would worry all the time about how you were doing without me when i was fading away without you
my body would crave your touch
my heart would slowly fade away
my mind would constantly be haunted by the the thought of me & you never becoming an "us"
if you'd never told me you loved me


III.
if you'd never told me you loved me
i wouldn't have been able to stay up till 3:03am and later giggling on the phone with you hoping my laughter wouldn't wake the whole house
i wouldn't see lovers together & know that i had my very own back at home
i wouldn't be skipping meals just because of the butterlies in my stomach everytime i'd think of you
i wouldn't be able to spend all my time talking to you, being with you, making memories with you
i wouldn't be able to pick up the phone & call you whenever i worried about you
my body wouldn't have been able to feel your touch
my heart would never have felt so much pure love
my mind would never be able to keep itself occupied in the wondrous memories of us
if you'd never told me you loved me


-
*if you'd never told me you loved me,
i would still die loving you.
there is good & bad in everything,
but to die not knowing you felt the same way
well, that would be death of the worst kind

i guess what i'm trying to say is,
thank you for telling me you love me

ten** was the number of minutes you were on stage the day i first saw you & realized I'd be missing out on life if i never got a chance to know the mind behind the words you spoke

nine was the number of times i lied to my friends telling them i wasn't falling for you when every inch of me craved you in a way i never had craved anyone or anything before

eight was the number of times i almost told you i loved you that night when we spoke about life & how easy it was to lose your way while growing up, but i held my tongue thinking you would never feel the same way

seven was the number of times i saw you at school & so badly wanted to reach out and hold your hand, when i knew i couldn't

six was the class we hid in the first time you kissed me & it was as if my whole world had changed in the blink of an eye. the rebirth of love, hope & purpose in my life.

five was the time early morning when i finally collapsed after talking to you on the phone since the night before despite having school the next day

four was the date when you came so close to getting suspended from school because you just had to come see me for a couple of minutes. willing to risk anything for that time together.

three was the number of times you stayed up all night while i cried, reassuring me until I was all out of tears & fears.

two is the number of people who understand how difficult it is for us not to see each other every single day. me & you. no one else will ever be able to comprehend what it is like to live without you.

one is the number of people who my heart belongs to. just one. you. eternally.

zero is the number of times I've regretted falling hard & fast for you.