mk 2d
planes breathe
and i find myself
sinking into the
lounge chairs in
waiting rooms
traveling has always
been more about
finding home than
coming home and
at the end of the day
i lay my remains
at the feet of a rootless
tree and flowers
sprout around me

this greek yoghurt parfait
was too expensive
and the bottled water
is probably contaminated
damn airports.
i've been on a plane twelve times in six months -
mk 6d
i thought you were the first; not the only. i thought being in love with you was how dating was supposed to work. i thought you felt this way about everyone you went on a date with. saying i love you a month into knowing each other, for me, was "normal". i thought love came and went with everyone with whom time was spent.

this wasn't the case.

i'm walking down the street with this new boy next to me and internally i'm groaning. he's rich as heck and sure he's not the best looking but he seems ok. he isn't boring but i'm so bored. he isn't annoying but i'm so annoyed. i don't want to be here, in a tesla in sunny california. i feel nothing for him and i don't want his lips on mine. his perfume smells good but i don't want him on my skin. i don't want him.

i don't want him.

he calls me in the middle of the night and asks if i want to go on an adventure. i love adventures. i love late nights under the stars when nothing is holding you back. i love being alive and feeling like life isn't over just yet. i tell him i'm tired. i go to bed. i sleep. i don't want to have an adventure with him because it feels forced and unnatural. i don't want to dance in the rain or smoke under the falling leaves. i don't want to hold his hand or talk to him about philosophy.

i don't love him.

i thought i'd fall in love with him or the other him or the one after him but heck, i'm not falling in love at all. these are just bodies with beautiful souls that do not connect to mine. perhaps i haven't given them the space to touch my heart, spirit, and mind. or perhaps me and you were a one-off. maybe you were the one for me. the one that got away. i could see myself marrying you. i always knew i could raise daughters, but with you, i could see myself raising a son.

where do i go from here?

when i think of home i think of you standing by the bed with your pajama pants on. i think of my curly hair and bare legs. i think of your oversized shirts and my pink tanktop. i think of the mundane things that felt like heaven. home is your new haircut. home is your old shoes. home is laying in your lap. home is you.
mk 7d
the movies always told me
that i'd have memories attached
to pieces of clothing
post-break-up i'd have to
go get a new wardrobe because
everything would smell too much
look too much
remind me too much
of you.

i find myself in the same
wardrobe, in the same clothes
because everything and nothing
reminds me of you
we spent such little time
wearing anything when we were
together because, like our relationship,
everything was always bare.

i find myself missing your skin
your smell, your touch,
your words, your fingertips
but my clothes do not carry
the weight-load of the memories
because i cannot remember
wearing anything except
you on top of me.
he feels so much like home it scares me
mk Mar 16
he was
5 foot 7
with the most beautiful eyes
downward slanting
and oak-wood brown
and his hands
his hands
soft and sculpted
they were so delicate
and safe
but there
was strength
in them
he was
slender and...
actually, he fit
into my jeans
and it was really
funny because
i knew he would
yeah, anyway
he had the best
hair like
the kind of hair
you'd want to
run your hands
through all
night and i could
never keep
my hands off of him
looks down
i've actually
been dreaming of
him and it was
a nightmare
where i was running
i run into his arms
and his
naked torso
was brown,
warm and
so strong
i rushed into
his embrace
and whispered
let me hold you
i'm getting off track
how to describe
this boy he
had strong arms
and he lifted me
off my feet
quite literally
his thighs were
like metal
and his shoulders
the weight of the
world and
he carried
he had this
little spot
in between
his fingers
that i always
had a little
thing for
his smile
oh fuck
grips stomach
i think i'm going
to throw up
of his laugh because
oh fuck
it was the most
and funny thing
you'd ever hear
he laughed like
the world wasn't
it boomed
and oh my fucking
god i can't breathe
clenches teeth
i can hear his laugh
when he
was happy and
so full of
confidence and
holding my
hand as
we walked
out of the
don't remind
me of
the taste
of his LIPS
what did he look like,
you ask?
he was...
sits down
things start going dark
i don't feel
so well
can you
the love of my life
mk Mar 15
no one
can ever
replace you.

and best friends.

fun and emotional
support you were

continents away
and a couple
men later i know

it's always
going to be
me and you.
2015 is gold; 2018 here we go
mk Mar 12
look up-
there's the ceiling
with its memories
of people passing
under and through
switching trains
exchanging hearts
if you close your eyes
you can hear the goodbyes
and the whistle of
the train as it puffs away
and beyond sight
there is so much beyond
sight and i'm running
up and down the stairs
here at grand central
station looking for
someone to hold my heart
maybe love was on the train
that just drove away
or maybe i'm just a little early
i check my watch
and the grandfather clock
i am not alone, i am with
a friend and so many strangers
and my friend looks at
me and says 'are you ready?'
i don't know if i am ready
i like being in a place of goodbyes
but she says to me that
goodbyes are only the start of
a hello and i guess she is right
but i can't help but think
if you were here with me
holding my hand
watching lovers part and
mothers cry
how wonderful it would be
to be the ones who have gained,
not lost-
watching others say goodbye
while we're just beginning
to say hello.
march 2018 has changed me forever.
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