My mother calls out,
Carry me; I need you to take me home.
I'm only three years old
I can barely walk on my own
I shoulder her hands, bigger than my face
I slip and slide on the ice, afraid to fall
I can handle bruises and scrapes
But not if mommy falls too
Gritted baby teeth, frozen tears on cheeks
I rip off the fluffy pink coat, it's too hot
Is she helping at all?
The front door seems too far away
Just a little further, I'll be home soon
Then I can let go, maybe grow, and get up the courage to say
(someday)
I don't need you, like you needed me
I've walked a steep path and now I'm stronger
I will not carry you any longer

Christmas used to be
So much planning, for me
Piles of presents under the tree
Singing carols by the piano with glee
Excitement months too early
Now, as I come home for the day
Too tired to even consider to play
Happy just listening for the bells of the sleigh
We’ll light the fire, and beside it we’ll lay
Together tonight, despite hearts far away

The game is unbalanced
Everyone has a definition of “fair play”
We all try to fight for our own causes
Causing chaos and disarray
Who’s right? Who’s wrong?
Apparently it’s whoever out of all of us
Is the strong one
And the rest cry victim, feel outdone
No one likes to be ostracized, left outside
So let’s all write a disclaimer: we tried
Wear it across our foreheads as a banner
So no one asks and causes us to stammer
It’s you against the world, isn’t it?
Go ahead, scream like you mean it
You hope someone will hear and save you
But if you aren’t willing to make it happen
You’ll never fix this point of view
You’ll never be able to win

I don't know if anyone is out there
A greater being responsible for individual fates
I've wandered around the base of the cross
Bothered philosophers with debates
Read ancient words that gave hope to the past
But if anything exists, I'm not embarrassed
To say, "Thank you"
That I didn't wake up crying this morning
That instead I got up and decided to sing
That I have a skill in organizing lists
That I have a little brother I actually miss
That I have a kitten as cute as can be
That my boyfriend really loves me
That I have parents whom I believe mean well
Even though sometimes it's hard to tell
That we've all grown, so our relationships have too
It's been better than I myself could have construed
So I take a moment, before the sun awakes
To forget all the headaches and the heartbreaks
And be happy and grateful, instead
Excited to look onto the future ahead

I count one, two, three and I can't believe
We've made it this far; still such a dream
Somehow, you treat me like a queen
Look, my love, at what we've achieved:
Moments together we can treasure
Conversations I'll always remember
All of the love and all of the laughter
The closest I've been to "happily ever after"

I want to take my car at two a.m.
Drive to the lake 2.6 miles away
If I’m not alone, the shadows will hide them.
Under the frosted glass lamp of the moon
I rip my heart out at the seams and scream
Towards a horizon I cannot reach.
I traipse with unconscious purpose
On broken pebbles shifting underfoot
Collect the biggest, the prettiest, the best
And throw them
One by one, after the other
Relish the splash
Feel the weight of each rock leave my hand
Messy arcs into impartial waves
There goes the GPA I still want to recover
Years lost to overthinking when younger
I drain every tear I had wanted to show.
I can wander wherever the night takes me
If only I could learn to let go

They dance through my dreams
Golden rounds, silvery circles
Endlessly turning
Infinity untwisted
A memory, a potential
Promises unfinished
Ours did not match;
The first sign.

I don’t want time to cool off after getting mad
I want you to prove that you’re sorry
Stop asking what you can do to make it better
Don’t just sit there and repeat back to me
Offer me suggestions and do them anyway
Beg my forgiveness down on your knees
Spend the next eight hours overthinking
Get angry and expressive, ******* unfreeze
Fight back, take up a weapon and strike
God knows I’ve given you a million to date
Or deliver an overblown romantic gesture
It could be literally anything I’d appreciate
Hey, can you listen? It’s not that hard
Do I have to scream to be heard?
I don’t think I’m making an impact
You still stand there undeterred

My hair is black and yours is yellow
But they never call it that;
Blonde, or like spun gold
Stunning, precious, unattainable.
But you have it,
Like I’ll never have you.
My hair is black but my skin
Is yellow
They call it that
“Slant-eyed”, “foreign”, “unnatural”
At eighteen, I broke black locks with bleach
(I’ve always wanted to be blonde)
And it didn’t look natural at all
I will never be blonde, I will always be
Yellow.
They ask: What are you?
“American, like you”
But they roll their eyes
They tell me to forget my native language
And I don’t know how to tell them I already am
Black and yellow
I think of me then think of bees, and recall
Being stung in the first grade, and how
Ever since, I’m paralyzed at the thought
Of black, and yellow
Black and yellow
Save the bees! on shirts and posters
But no one is saving me.

The blonde girl in my first class
Shares the same planner habits as me
Invited me to a party, my first
I watched a clock tick away
In tandem to music six blocks down
The girl, my “name twin”
In geology lab, playing with rocks
We traded phone numbers
She has her own group of friends
I sit by myself three rows up
The girl sitting across from me
Effortlessly thin, stark tattoos
We think and feel so similarly
She just made a friend, so
I only ask what they did for fun
A coworker, moving states away
I thought she was a cool Cali girl
Brunette ice princess
She hugged me on her last day
Now I smile at her 3AM Instagram selfies
At opportunities, I tried to jump
Misjudged the distance and fell instead
I scraped up my hands, leaving scars
I’ll remember you, years later
You who could have been a friend

Being far from home alters reality
You seem to dissolve away
We experience two nights and mornings
It’s hard to keep track of the days
I printed out a photo of you before I left
I don’t take it out often, I swear
It’s just so I’ll have something to hold onto
And I like to know it’s there

Feel free
Message me
Anything you need
I smile mechanically
You know better, see
I never take opportunities

You crowd me
You suffocate me
You dress me in chains of gold
You hold me
You kiss me
You surround me in proclamations bold
“I love you”
“I need you”
“You are all I have”
I can’t stand you
I hate you
But I’m your only salve

The blossom floats to the ground
It hits so violently all of hell shakes
Heaven gazes wordlessly from above,
Watching our actions, judging us.
One eye follows our every move,
Waiting for failure; maybe I'll never graduate
Let's wander past old brick buildings

You gave me silken scarves and solitude
To weave my own bindings
You gave me surpluses of satin
Bandages for skin you broke
You gave me Swarovski accessories
As if it excused your absences
You gave me smooth apologies
A salve to my twisted fingers

Gods, I’ve been forsaken!
I – formerly blessed by the sun –
Cry out to you, you who leave
My words unheard.
Once a daughter to kings, I wait
Inside an indiscernible prison
For the fall of my beloved city.
I predicted this, my people, but
I cannot blame you, my people
I spurned the sun, burned my fate
And now no one will heed me.
They tell me I am
beautiful, I am brilliant, I am
insane.
They tell me
To leave the future to kings.
I spoke to you, my people
The contents of the horse
I spoke to you, my people
When we shall catch our demise
With axe and fire, I rush,
Only to face the barrage of disbelief
I hear them laughing, my people
Those who will carve their place
Where you once stood
But you will not listen.

She sways in time
To the beat in her brain
Rejecting the irregular tempo of her heart
Blinking twice to clear the glare
She stumbles once, again, and again
Reaching for someone
Who isn't there.
She wants
To forget for the night, blur into the lights
Drowning herself to blissful heights

Hang a star on the ceiling, my love
To protect you during the daylight
Whenever the sky closes its eyes
It’s not perfect, I understand
But darling, nothing ever is
Hold onto what you can

Starts with a burst of pure light
Flares up and away like a laugh
Coalesce into one, a sphere perfectly rounded
Essence of one captured in crystal form
I watch mine flicker, a candle in an open window
Darker like the clouds hiding the sun
Pray to the world I’ll flare up again or
I’ll slowly be consumed by my sins

Skinny, papery, wrinkled, and pale
Running a rosary through her fingers
The air shimmers, balmy ocean waves that never cease
From the shaded marble step, I ask:
“Why do you suffer rituals out in the scorching sun?”
“My child, that’s how it’s always been done.”

Sky overcast, gray
Will the sun come out to play?
Let's dance in the rain

It’s driving by the shoreline after dark
Marveling at city lights across the way
It’s waking up early for college classes
And taking a nap together later that day
It’s being held in your arms at a concert
With tickets we convinced the other to buy
It’s sitting on the floor of my room
Unwilling to tell each other goodbye
I have a request to make of you, my love
I know I can’t change what will be
I hate to let you go, but I’ll be right here
Please keep coming back to me

I clasp your hand as I get to where you are
But I can’t seem to see your face
Like the sun, you’re blinding and
It hurts too much to look directly
So I hold onto you instead and smile
Brightly, hoping to match up to the sun

Dad, you’re a classic
I can predict a lot of your jokes
But I know to make me happy
You’d happily go broke
I’ve caused a lot of stress
And for that I’m truly sorry
Thank you for everything
Happy Father’s Day, Daddy!

I want to trust, I want to believe
But I can't shake the feeling that it makes me naive
I hate to be laughed at, I avoid the crowds
My self-deprecation is already too loud
Multiple times my heart's been broken
Yet I still hand it out to others like a token
Of how much I love them and how much I care
But they take it and break it, it doesn't seem fair
Each time it happens, it's a new hole in my heart
What do I do with these feelings that tear me apart
They tell me hiding from others is no way to live
But I'm just trying to protect what little I've left to give

Hush, little one, and get some rest
Don’t lie awake thinking you failed some test
Let me wipe away your tears, don’t be distressed
All who matter know you tried your best

I’m barely an adult but already I’ve felt jaded
Romantics of childhood had all but faded
I thought I loved, didn’t know how it looked
Your presence in my life was what it took
For me to - slowly - realize it’s not that hard
Only a few experiences had left me scarred
Underneath your care, my flaws disappear
Every day gets better with you right here
Somewhere along the way, I’d lost my heart
Yet now I want to sing again, and start
Writing stories that are too good to be true
But I’m still so terrified of losing you
If I could just let go, and trust that when I fall
You’ll catch me, and come running when I call
Then together, the world can call us naive
And I won’t even care, ‘cause now I believe

I love her more than anything, I think
Although right now I can’t really tell
I’ve been with her for what feels like forever
Down here in this never ending hell
I face a coin toss every day with her
Call heads or tails, happy or sad
Wait with bated breath as the coin soars
Curse as it lands “tails”, now she’s mad
I can’t live with fifty-fifty chances
Every second of every day of my life
But if I push her any further
I’m terrified she’ll seek comfort with a knife
It’s so frustrating to love someone
Who thinks the world is always against her
Who can’t seem to love herself
And no matter what I say, she’s insecure

Is this love? What am I doing here?
I can’t keep fighting her endless fear

I can fake a smile to the unconcerned
But feel myself break down when asked
I’m so angry I’m driving myself insane
I try to distract myself with lists of tasks
I watch life progress without me
Can’t seem to match the pace
No matter how my speed increases
There’s no way I’m winning this race
I’m treading water, head barely afloat
While I watch everyone else coast by
Why does nothing I do seem to matter
I’m losing my motivation to even try

Walk a tightrope as thin as a wire
Practice until your feet are on fire
Perform amazing feats, hear the applause
Smile and feel proud your life has a cause
Everyday I reach for the same thrill
Without it I just can’t feel fulfilled
If I’m not making people around me happy
Then what’s the point? My heart is empty

I’m not sure how to say this after 20+ years
But thank you for trying to remove all my fears
For arguing with me when you think I’m wrong
For supporting me through every silly song
We’ve often clashed but I wouldn’t have it any other way
And I mean it when I write “Happy Mother’s Day”

I forget that the sun shines every day
In a part of the world somewhere
I’ve lived in the gray for so ******* long
The nothingness is more than I can bear
It’s rained so much I wonder if I’m drowning
I can’t seem to climb out and save myself
Every breath takes more effort than I have
All I’m good for is gathering dust on a shelf
But when the skies clear and the day glows
I can blossom and flourish like a flower
I will be bright and beautiful
I can be my own power

It’s a fact that I love him to pieces
And I’ve fallen apart many times before
Every day I fear I’m going to lose him
It’s a terror that strikes me to the core
I feel like there’s no time to be upset
If something’s wrong I actively ignore it
For if I were to lose him tomorrow
God, well, honestly, I’d feel like ****
But all this anger has nowhere to go
And any irritation further fans the flames
I hate this, I never wanted to feel this way
All these thoughts make me feel ashamed

A slow burning fuse
Watch the spark move up the rope
I could interrupt any time I wish
Or maybe I'm just flattering myself in hopes
That I won't lose control
That in this I have a choice
So many thoughts and emotions
But I can't seem to find my voice

When you’re on top of the world
The high is unlike anything that exists
But the fall is a long, long way down
A motivation for those above to persist
Word of warning to those still climbing
Hold your desires close and don’t let go
All of us fall eventually, inevitably, but
Distance is so much worse when it’s slow

You sit or you stand there, not moving
While I’m shaking with the effort to stay
You laugh when I try to tell you something
Already you know what I’m trying to say
It’s selfish, I’m being entirely unfair
But I want to cause an effect
I live for you, all I own I share
And I resent it sometimes when I reflect
I spiral over events I forget within hours
Throw words like tangible objects at you
Forget that you’ve brought me flowers
Forget how you smile at “Love you too”s
I move everything in your direction
Where you are is where I want to be
My thought process needs a bit of correction
I know even when you’re far, you still love me

My love, I see you walk in rays of light
Crowned in gold, a wondrous sight
You hold me close and my heart takes flight

My moods shift like today's weather
The sun tries to shine between the clouds
When bright, it's beautiful and I feel better
If I do anything, I can feel proud
When the day goes on and gray takes over
My outlook grows darker again
I have to remind myself it won't last forever
Eventually the storm will reach its end

I’m holding a beautiful kitten
I’ve wanted her for countless years
Multiple times I’ve already been bitten
Keep telling myself it’s just her fears
I put food and water out for her
A reminder she’s the one I choose
Whenever I can, I stroke her fur
So she knows, this fight? She won’t lose
We’ll only be together a short while
Every day I offer the best of my smiles
Communication feels only one way
I hope I’ll get through to her someday

I know two siblings; I'm closer to one
The younger is more forgiving
You can't have your cake and eat it too
So I chose the older; seems more loving
She comes by at least three times a day
Sometimes stays for hours or more
I love and admire her, she gives me control
Myself I despise down to the core
People tell me she's not one to call friend
But I thrive on every time she checks in
She urges me to surrender at every turn
I'm fighting a battle I don't want to win

to live without hate in your heart
with nothing inside to tear you apart
to speak thoughts aloud, not bound by fear
not wishing all the time you'd just disappear

I wanted to sit down, write you a love letter
But how does one word colors and melodies
Your beautiful smile makes every day better
I treasure every single shared memory
We've been through so many ups and downs
Over years we laugh and talk and argue
But when all has been said and done
You know I really love you

"Valentine" means worthy, strong, and powerful
I mean every word written above
I'll never deserve you but I hope you'll be mine
From my heart to yours, my love

Take my hand and hold me up
I need you by my side
I made you, dear, so by default
There's nothing you can hide

I had a dream about a memory
So vivid I recall conversations
My subconscious made up a story
And turned it into nightmarish creations
Mimicked the past, I got lost for too long
Paralyzed, I'm no longer strong

Count down the clock to the new year
Four, three, two, one, it's finally here
Kiss your loved ones to celebrate at midnight
A toast, raise your glass to new heights
Write down your resolutions to remember
Believe in yourself, this year will be better

I pick these fights, with flint and force
To try to spark a fire
Fight me, tell me, I want to hear it
Scream back and tell me I'm a liar
Instead you sit there calmly
Absorbing every blow
Can't you say just how you feel?
God, I've never felt so low

Life goes on, scars fade
They can't hurt me now
They're out of my reach
And that's worse, somehow

all i see ahead
is shattered glass
dense gray fog
ice cold stares
scars upon scars
colorless sights
empty sidewalks
forever and always

Scream and shout, kick the ground, fall apart crying
I hate the world, it isn't fair, hold my heart from breaking
My life stretches way too far into a fog I can't see through
No one's fault you don't understand but you don't have a clue
Stop thinking stop thinking my mind keeps on racing
Not words it's all emotions like I just can't stop feeling
Endless accusations left unformed drive me insane
I'll be alright but this moment now all I think about is pain

I tear myself apart
Only to have to pick up the pieces
Wipe off the blood
Then flatten out creases
Straighten up, smile, who noticed anyway
Hope it's enough to last another few days