When I was a kid I thought I fell in love
Worshiped the ground he walked on and the sky above
Giving everything I had was all I'd ever known
He was supposed to be my heart and my home
I'm not much older now but I often remember
The child that I had been; God how I hate her
I can't hurt anyone but I can inflict the pain on myself
And I guess I do that too often to be good for my health
The question that always comes up for me is "why"
The search for an answer continues as the years go by
I wish I could reach across time and destroy your life
Instead I sit here and watch red run down the knife

I like to play diplomat; it's hard to say no
Never the one who decides where we go
Affixed in place by the roots in the past
I hide behind everyone and choose to be last
So I also play victim more than I care to admit
Enough is enough, I've decided, that's it
I've wasted too much time on worry and fear
I think it's time to show the world that I'm here

Sitting here talking about myself
It all feels almost, well, silly
Like why would this person care?
I'm just talking about me
Sure these things happened
And maybe I feel odd once in a while
I never really thought it mattered
Just hid it all behind a smile
There are lots of people like me
(Or I guess; that's what I've heard)
I've always just wanted to be average
Disguise wrong feelings in written word
Even years after I still ask the question:
How much of it all is in my head?
I think I need this help, and it's working
Though it's so terrifying, I hide in bed

Bound securely, affixed professionally
I admit the bandages feel really nice
But they're in response to waking the past
I'm not sure I'm willing to pay this price
When I hesitate, I say I want to get better
Who doesn't want their broken leg to mend?
Somehow being honest is physically painful
I almost prefer when I had to pretend

i'm a victim, no, a demon
poisoned by my own hand
can't rest from the voices
and high are their demands
so i live in ups and downs
guided by the whispers
i know i do this to myself
but i can't always remember

It's a fist clenched around my heart
Waiting for the doctor to show
Alone in the gray monotonous room
Sitting here til they tell me it's closed
Home is welcome but empty
And I'm back the very next day
Passing the time and hoping maybe
Tomorrow I can be on my way

just keep trying
it's not enough
who cares if you're crying
this comes from love

I used to view my life like a bird in a cage
That you had the key, so I'd fly in a rage
Scream at you when things got rough
Bite when I never thought you did enough

When the bars broke and I was finally free
Distance and time gave me the chance to see
The vivid silks that served as your bonds
So pretty you missed the chains beyond

Mother and I used to discuss the fabric and style
Father and I would talk about patterns for a while
All you had was this and you gave it all to me
I wish you'd realize this wasn't who I wanted to be

A year underwater and I've been torn clear
Now an invisible wall lies between us, I fear

So I light a candle for the two of you instead
Hold the thought of you close when I go to bed
Press a hand to the window and feel the cold
Remember warmer days and then feel old

Before I go home, there are a few things I have to do
Like run a waterfall to a page instead of to you
Polish the mask I must wear without shame
Else without it, you'd never know my name

when the day begins i taste salt
dreams turned into nightmares
can't tell between reality and sleep
at this point it's hard to care

misery is my loyal companion but
there's worry it's all in my mind
to feel all this but chaotic and wrong
don't want to accept that maybe i'm fine

saying i'm okay doesn't help
cause and effect can't be traced
so many variables of what could be bad
my own self is hard to face

the girl in the mirror is me but not
i barely recognize details
what if this is all my fault
how did i become so frail

reflecting back, yesterday was all gray
like the three days before
when you fall, the trick is in getting back up
even when you don't know what for
when you wake, bruised, bleeding and feeling
the weight of every haunting thought
fight through them and emerge on the other side
don't surrender and let yourself be caught

there's a raging flame
contained to a wick in glass
the wax keeps it company
but it's melting too fast

i extinguish the fire
my hands start to burn
i don't mind this time
it's my turn

you carried me through the forest
i pulled you through the waves
we held each other when we fell
i thought we were both so brave

i don't know what i'm supposed to think
i feel like we've fallen out of sync
i wake up thrown into the past
i'm watching this slow motion crash

i love you, i know you love me too
"life is hell but it's better with you"
more than anything i want you to stay
we're not fireproof; you're burning away

somehow we've become so confused
i don't know anymore which words to use
being with you always felt so right
remember when we counted stars at night?

if i can act like i'm okay, am i?
everything i say can turn into a lie
of course i'm good, it's all fine
where do i have to draw the line
well if i'm really being honest:
(after all i made that promise)
i really want to get better but i'm so tired
i don't want to be awake but my mind's on fire

A childish accusation, "You promised"
Before fear's taught kids are bolder
Denied the right, who can I trust
And I can't say, now that I'm older

Growing up we all learn how to lie
Despite all our parents' trying
It's become my second nature, why?
I've found it's easier than fighting

When the world demands a lot of you
You learn to adjust or fall apart
Rarely is the desired answer true
Tangled in lies, where do I start

I know I can do better and I should
A refrain throughout our heads
Binding words, be a kid that's "good"
Follow through all that's been said

My master is fear, I've learned my lesson
Lying seems to be an act that's kind
We tend to try to have good intentions
"How are you today?" "I'm doing fine."

i'm back here again, **** it
incarcerated by silk and steel
i've made it livable to an extent
and the exterior is covered still
i have my own space, just mine
decorated with black and grays
sometimes i can see the light
and i try to hide away for days
cocooned inside here i cower
can't go out, i'm too terrified
i ignore the knocks on the door
there's persistent voices outside
"the key is in there with you
move around and explore
you alone can set yourself free
use your matches to find the door"
strike, watch a blossoming flame
it flickers, shadows shift around
the glow encourages another call
now extinguished, i don't make a sound
loneliness and fear is all I know
heavy chains hold me from the lock
those voices again, encouraging me
we're here for you always, let's talk

Mom and Dad, I really have to thank you
After all, I did learn a lot over the years
Like how nothing you told me was true
And that you caused all of my fears

Sticks and stones may break my bones
But words should never hurt me
I wasn't hit, nothing was thrown
You just made me feel like I was crazy

Do you know what you did was wrong?
Your expectations, consequences, all flawed
I try to channel my resentment into song
But you miss the point and just applaud

i fell in love with her smile
her laugh and childlike wonder
but now it's always raining
with lightning flashes and thunder

i want to shatter her bedroom mirror
the reflection that always lies
whispers of not good enough
while she sits there and cries

i hold her back from drowning
to play the hero i go under
it's cold and dark down here
but i'm scared to return without her

she casts long shadows, not light
but i can see her trying to hold on
i love her more than anything
don't tell me she's already gone

I feel the world drag me down
Then it sends me flying
I cycle between the highs and lows
And can't fall asleep without crying

Sometimes I am fire
Other times my mind is dark gray
Hope is a match I can't hold onto
I'm begging the light to stay

light is beautiful but it tricks you
there's nothing to hold onto

there were no broken dishes
and i could still sing
but if i could use one of my three wishes,
i'd change everything.

turn off the lights
climb into bed
pull over the blankets
rest your head

close your eyes
quiet your mind
relax and sleep
leave worries behind

i'll be there soon
watching the starlight
but until then
my love, goodnight

I can't remember exactly what you look like
But the memories of what you did remain
The scars you gave me may have faded
But I still remember the pain

I can't give words to clear the chaos
Facts from emotions are hard to define
I live in fear that you'll be in my life again
You're out of sight but not out of mind

People tell me that time heals most anything
So give it time, they insist, and it'll be okay
I've been waiting but it's been nearly three years
I just want all these thoughts to go away

You're my gold-crowned prince
My knight in shining armor
My hero and savior
Guide and companion.
Storybook romances come alive
With you.

She ran from them, but they were relentless.
She tried to escape.

She tried to evade them, attack after attack. Still they overwhelmed her, betraying sanctuaries.
Her chest constricted.
She tried to appease them, offering after offering. Still they plagued her, negating the euphoria.
Her lungs ached.
She tried to stop them, parley after parley. Still they terrorized her, tormenting with whispers.
Her mind caved.
She tried to drown them, night after night. Still they pursued her, shaking off the burning fluid.
Her head pounded.
She tried to harm them, day after day. Still they haunted her, disregarding the blood that flowed.
Her wrists stung.
She tried to expel them, time after time. Still they clung to her, refusing to surrender their hold.
Her throat burned.
She tried to poison them, when nothing else worked. Still they survived, oblivious to damage.
Her body weakened.
Succumbing to the darkness, she tried a final resort.
She tried to eradicate them, using chains of rope. Still they remained, seeking the ****.
Her breaths ceased.

Her demons died with her.

A little kindness that goes a long way
A smile to light everyone’s day
Warmth of love to make you whole
Content of heart to quell the soul
Loss of death, not loss of life
The end of everlasting strife
Time to heal and mend the hurt
Erase the pain of cuts and burns
Strength to lend those falling down
A hand to lift you from the ground
Gratefulness for all you own
Appreciation distinctly shown
The world would vast improve, you’ll see
If all these little things came to be.

Daisy he desired, and of Daisy he thought
His eyes only for her, and to hold her he sought
Riches and Daisy, perfection, together
He wanted it all, flawlessly, forever
Longtime dreamer, believer, hopeful and true
Desperate for an illusion, with absolutely no clue
That his flowering dreams were wilting away
To become nothing but memories that hold little sway
Over what his life has become from before
And the dream he had once envisioned, they tore
To pieces that lay, shattered and broken
Shards of a past come future, only tokens
Of Nick Carraway's memoir writ after two years
No mourners at the funeral, goodbye without tears.
His lasting imprint, whether worst or best
Tells us that hopeless dreamers can never rest
For the elusive green light that stretches far
We go faster, faster, towards that fixed star
Boats against the current, waves beating high
Despite it all we trudge forward, and always we try.