You knew exactly how I was feeling
and yet you still dragged me along
through the dirt and leafs that fall
you somehow expect me to forgive
and forget- I don't think you know
me, no.. you never did.

I guess it's too complicated for us to stay friends
after everything that's happened
I'm sorry that I can't take it back
you were my bestest friend and
now we don't even say hello or
associate with eachother in the
slightest amount of words or chatter.
and it's a shame because to you; *I mattered.

I am Soraka Flocka Flame,
I go hard in the paint:
I'll make the bad guys go away
because I've got heals for days
that's right- look the other way
you can't handle this type of pain
I can tell that you're afraid.
Don't worry though because
I make everyone feel like this
all of your skill shots are amiss
and I bet I'm making you reminisce
about old times where you were fly
like the other game you played last night
but right now, I'm bringing you down
your teammates are calling you a clown
you're starting to believe you'll get reported
for  **f e e d i n g

You've stood beside me,
and never let go of my hand.
Even when our feet were
slipping in the sand.

Surrounded by creatures, all around
we stand together
and embrace every sound,
I hope it'll stay this way forever.

When I die...
Will you visit me sometimes?
Wearing a nice suit,
Would you leave flowers by my name
and say a few words to get through a bad day?

I know, I haven't written in a while... Right now,
These 4 walls are the only ones who see me smile.
I don't want to share my pain anymore...
and I don't want to share my happiness either.
I find myself coming back here only during the
in between moments. To look back, to try and find
a piece of why I felt something before. Now it's just
all blurry.

The screen in my window is partially torn
one half is fully attatched while the other..
is caught in the wind that is slowly pulling
it along, waiting for it to let go and flow as
gracefully as the newly falling snow

But I am the other half, holding on for my
life because I'm afraid of heights that the
wind will lift me up to..

The glass that I am protecting is already
broken, so why shouldn't I let go?


                      Don't.


*N
     o
    w

  I
'
   m

        f
          a
            l
              l
          ­      i
              n
            g
          .
        .

Everything is connected,
I feel like a volcano that has been dormant
but want to release all of my tension.
I want to show you my emotions;

So you can see I'm not a doormat,
I just keep my feelings below the surface,
It's resulted in my body doing the same
Which is why I'm in constant pain.

My trauma has created tunnels of magma,
I can't tell where they end or begin
It's frightening and leaves me upset,
There's no one I can share this with.

I hope for one day to lay out my feelings,
Let everything flow;
Like tears, they'll roll out of me
Covering everyone I've allowed to see

Then will come the tricky thing,
to never bottle anything again.
I don't want to reap havoc on them,
I want to stay empty and peaceful

To know where I end and begin,
It would solve something, wouldn't it?
But I feel like a volcano.
Physically and within.

You don't know how it feels
to find out there's someone else
and not be able to do anything
to prevent the feelings that will
follow up and eventually take
that one special person that
makes everything okay away
from you..

Why do I fall out of love
after I've fallen in-
only to be heart broken
over and over again..?
Is this the end
because I don't want it to be
please tell me that I'm dreaming
..this is all just a  blurry  mess
and I won't be left behind again
if I'm left once more to wallow
I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle it.

I breathe it in from the end
Of this balloon that I'm holding
and blow it back in
I keep inhaling,
I'm finally doing it.
I'm getting out.
No more worries;
No more doubts
Because now my lungs are helium doused .

In this aquarium of life
we are all swimming along
I luckily have found
just where I belong;
...beside you.

In my aquarium dream
you're next to me
we're floating
together, with no worries.

We're happy.

I want to push you out of me
I don't want to need you the
way that I seem to.
But you've always been there
so it's kind of hard to do.
Honestly I just want the best
for you
So I'll disappear into the dark
I'm a wanderess already,
never sick of the rain that's
flooding me.

I'm trying so hard to just keep swimming,
but more often than not, the Orcas visit me.
I'm more so floating, similar to the Velella
I keep going until I can't take anymore,
then end up washed up with the shore.

You hide the truth.
Everything you say to me
feels like glue.
I get stuck in it
and don't know what to do...
I always end up finding out the truth,
just not from you.

I wish that we could talk longer,
but I know you need your sleep.
I know you think you're boring
but I think your words are deep.

I love reading your stories
and often anticipate the next,
I fear mine aren't as entertaining
but you listen, nevertheless.

I think of you a lot
especially after our good nights,
My devilishly handsome husband,
you're the best part of my life.

When I get close to people,
I tend to overshare.
especially when I spot a shared interest.

You’re into cheesy memes?
I’ll flood your inbox with my favorites
You like scary things?
Even if I’m not always into them
I’ll find the ones I do like
thinking you’ll appreciate them too

But lately,
I’ve started to think...
maybe people don’t like this.
Because over time
they start to drift away.

It stings to be labeled a copycat
When all I've ever wanted is friendship
People close to me that I can be open with.

Maybe I'm meant to float alone
Like a golden jelly,
I should make my own pattern.

Because of you,*
my favorite shades of blue are now ugly.
Everything that you ever told me is now
some form of anxiety I don't want to hear
sometimes I wish you'd just disappear..

I'm curled up in this blanket
listening to the noises outside, it's raining.
I'm wishing your arms were around me
I want you here beside me.

The rain is hitting my window hard
kind of like what you do to my heart
thump, thump, bang, bang...
it's onomatopoeia all throughout day.

I want nothing more than for you to feel the same.

Why have you stopped writing
little nothings that hold such big
meanings?

I long to read your words and
hear your whimsical voice and
the sounds that escape your
mouth when you laugh.. Just
tell me what I need to say to
bring everything back..

I know right now you're surrounded
by the darkness; lost within your mind
and what's around you that makes you
want to (maybe)  cry?

I'm trying to be supportive and stick to
your side- I'm sorry that I'm at a loss
for words; and that I'm not sure why.

I'm supposed to know what to say, aren't I?

Angry tears are falling
when you ask me why
they worsen, and now
angry words are spoken.

Stop trying to control me
since when was I banned
from showing my emotions
even in private I can't recall.

But you of all people should know
that locking me away from the world
will not strengthen our bond,
it will worsen unwanted hatred.

I get ****** into expectations
I'm 25 but can't tell you what faith is.
I shut down when I think about saying no,
I guess I still care about what my family knows.

I'm 25 but 12 inside,
I don't know myself and tend to hide.
I have taxes, bills, a dog; my own life
But I'm still the girl who escapes online

I hate to hear their judgements; their insights
I try to connect through words
But say the wrong things,
and get lectured through sighs.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong,
I've tried and tried to find the cause,
I'm so frustrated, but go in circles
I keep looking for our bond.

What I really want is to disappear
Shut my eyes to the relief of tears.
To wake up as strums in the air,
To be a part of my own song.

I'm anxious,
You called and said you want to meet
A few hours away,
With her and me.

You know about the drama,
The way I feel about things
I'm sure she's said more
But which will you believe?

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror
while in tears, you're telling yourself repeatedly:
just hang on, one more day, hour, minute, second..
but you feel and look so helpless..?

I know we're never really apart; only far
from eachother.

But I can't wait to feel you in my arms.

A tear finds its way down my cheek
I smile and hide my face in a pilllow
It's been a somewhat long week
But now that it's coming to an end
And I know what's about to happen...
It's becoming so difficult for me to stay calm
Because my heart is turning to liquid.
Your voice simply melts it,
I can't begin to imagine how I'll react in person,
I'm nervous...
But I'm excited too.
There's no one else I'd rather be with than you.

I don't want to sleep without you anymore
too many times I've looked to my phone
in the middle of the night, longing for your
presence; I want to inhale your essence
let me hold you in my arms and explain
how often I picture us touching.
Lets close in the distance and
become one human; individual
no more waiting for us.
If you let me try again
I swear I won't mess up..
Just let me look over and
see the timer on my skype
slowly going up, telling me
that our call is still intact
I don't want to leave your
heart cracked..
Please tell me that you're
still there....

It looks like we're gonna see the sun rise again this morning I can't help but wonder if you noticed as well that we will see the colors within the sky swell. The last time I saw it I was reminded of The Lion King it's so interesting the way the little things can get to me I wanted to watch it rise for a longer amount of time than I really had in fact; it makes me kind of sad that I didn't. And now my sleeping schedule is all out of wack wow, Rebecca. Why'd you do that? I just couldn't help it, don't you want to see the ocean of colors in the sky as well? I can't stop myself from picturing diving into the sky, I never learnt how to swim but I trust I'd only cause splashing to emerge from the happiness that these colors fill me with- I'd like to believe they'd hold me. **I won't drown.

Picture an anti-social pessimist
who fears her own existence
should probably get a therapist
but that's just not in her element.
always has a Nemesis
She wants to be affectionate
but she feels unwanted;
desolate.

When I have no where left to go
I come back to this blog where I feel known.
I type for hours, and don't expect flowers
This page is comfortable, it fits my tone.

If you trace my journey from the start,
There's tears in many moments; a piece of my heart
Years may have passed, but in every part,
Words have been my solace, a work of art.

In this digital haven, where stories are sown,
I've found my refuge, a place to be shown.
Amongst kindred spirits, I've truly grown,
In pixels and text, my feelings flow

Who am I?
Someone tell me because I don't know, all I know is that I'm scared of myself and hurting. I don't like the way I'm turning. I hate myself and can feel the burning. I'm not infuriated I'm just sad. I'm a sad shell of a person who lost themself in someone else; something else. What did I ever really want? When did I change and why? Who am I? Someone tell me because I don't recognize who's looking back at me in the mirror. What I see is a whirlpool full of my deepest fears.

You're adorable in every way imaginable,
You've caught my eye and pulled me out-
From that blind, situation.
It's as if you intended to emancipate me-
From my fears.
You gave me a reason to not shed my tears.
It's almost like you can read my mind from-
The inside.
And it's so nice,
To feel like,
Someone understands,
My insights.

The moon is so big, let's go live on it.

I've been scratched and pinched and bruised
but none of those things came from you.

I take another sip of this drink that kills me
sit back in my chair and think about things
negative, positive, foolish and embarrasing
everything basically is flooding my mind.
I wonder why the Earth continues to spin
when my world is stuck in a never ending death wish
I turn on some music and try to forget about it.

I have value
It comes from within,
I know it's enough
I feel it under my skin.

It vibrates from me,
The power I hold
I'm special,
I'm something to behold.

I know I'm sensitive
It's something I used to hate
But now I'm embracing it,
There's a reason I'm this way.

So I stick to my routine,
I don't want to give up
I may fall down at times,
But I will not get stuck.

I'm a poet,
You don't know it
I stay up writing...
My experience
It's kind of morbid
Lots of things have happened...
You'd be furious,
If you knew
Every thing you've done to me
Has been published...
My blog's my news.
Every bad day,
Every good thing,
has its own place...
In my station, Online.
Since I was fourteen
I've been taunting, you.

Yeah, I'm seeing these bags underneath my eyes
but don't worry they aren't leaving me blind
I'm just so tired of the sleepless nights
because you're stuck on my mind
and I'm feeling frightened,
I wish you were near
but you're not here
you're anywhere

You're at an anywhere
that's so far away from me,
it's unclear.

I didn't ask to be born.
Did I give you permission to have me?
I'm just not cut out for this, really...
I think about suicide constantly
Everyday I question my sanity
Am I okay? Stop starring at me!
You're only worsening my anxiety
They saw me crying.
I don't want them to think that I'm attention-seeking
Because I'm not:
I just have a lot of ****** up thoughts.
One day I'm calm and the next I feel forgot-
Ten: they told me when I grew up I'd be that number
Not someone who's chubby and refuses to go to slumber, part-ies
They were just never for me
But don't get me wrong I tried to participate
Just no one ever really included me unless it was a one-on-one standing
I get it, I'm a fill in.
That's always been my role
Someone who's just there
For when others couldn't be.
That's me.
The girl I'll hit up tomorrow because my other friend is busy
On a new note I'm about to be 18
My parents could kick me
out or disown me
Send me on my way
As if they never had known me
I'll eventually be on my own
That's the point of this right?
To witness someone's life and
Then toss them aside but say
That you'll be there until the end of time?
Right?
Wrong
I always feel that way when
I'm singing this song
Titled: strife
It makes me not want to go on
But it remains
Always in my veins
It tells me to stay
On the worst of days
It triggers me hard
I just want to go away
Just let me already
Why must I stay steady
Can't you tell I'm not sturdy
And just want to yell
At everybody
I'm in tears already
As I pull the cord on this bag
Helium fills my lungs
I no longer feel sad
I laugh continuously
As I'm  being poisoned
I'm mad; crazy
I forgot to write a note
Don't hate me
You all knew me in the past
For a time being
You had your chances with me
There was no right or wrong
I was just always singing a different song
So don't feel bad for my no longer going on
I was never meant to be here
Please. Stay strong.

My heart is sinking as I step into the Chukchi Sea.
Off from Alaska's beach into this water, which is -40 degrees.
I'm freezing inside of a blanket, weaved from a fabric called sadness.
If this is your way of leaving me behind,
I'll allow the waves to swallow me.
As you're watching, I continue sinking. It's as if you've gone blind.
The person I remember, wouldn't have stood there watching.
Which leads me to believe you don't truly care, is that it?

You're so ******* perfect
in every way I can imagine
I just want to feel you beside
my empty self.

I want to help you see that
there could never be anyone
else who could possibly
complete me

the shaken when in public-
full of unwanted angst and
hatred-
too afraid to step out the door
and live-
girl that just wants to take that
step with you..

She somehow finds love and
comfort inside of that silly
smile that appears on a face
that just so happens to be yours

she wants to tell you that she
plans to stay put, beside you.
she doesn't want anybody else.
Because she is completed,
finally not tangled in sadness daily
let me tell you, she was glad to throw
that paper away..

*It's thanks to a tall boy who has a
laugh that makes her heart flutter
in a way she didn't know it could.

I wish I'd stop freaking out.

How dare you.
How, DARE, you.
Try to talk to me...
as if you don't remember anything.

I trusted you back then
when I needed a friend,
you were nothing of the sort!
You were the opposite.

I try my best, I try really hard
to leave grudges in my past...
but I have a dreaded feeling
that this grudge for you, may last.

Pretending to be there for me,
patting my back so comfortingly.
When really all you were doing
was luring me in.

Down to last second.
Before I was faint,
I swear I remember
the smile on your face.

I can't stand it.
How easily you decided my fate.
How do ******* live with yourself?
You make me feel things I can't bare to say.

Trying to navigate these bumpy waves,
While maintaining my gaze with my goals.
It's more difficult than the past me could've ever known.

There's a long dotted line that swerves along my map.
I've marked each stop for when I'll take naps,
but I'm still struggling with unexpected crashes.

A wave flips my boat and and it feels like a million minutes go by
Before I patch things up and things feel okay inside.

It feels like a tear in my map,
the map that lines my heart.
How do you recover when someone from your crew falls overboard?

What if something embarrassing happens during my journey and I can't press restart?
These are the kinds of questions I stay up all night asking the stars.

Tears slip over my smile.
My eyes are stinging,
But I am happy.
I have him.
At least for a while.
This enthralling boy.
He catches my eye,
I want to talk to him,
All the time.
He is humorous,
But also serious at times.
He is so different from me.
It's somehow a great thing.
Everyday there is something new.
He's someone I want to fall into.
Embrace me, won't you?
..Engaging boy.