Everything hurts.
My face scrunching up as the tears burst out of me
The lump in my throat that prevents me from speaking
The thoughts I'm forced to face now that feel never ending.

No one thinks the unbelievable will happen,
Until it simply does.
and the responses I have in the moment-
make me feel incredibly ****** up.

Shock is more numbing than the walk in freezer at work.
It's as if I were reading anything, not her actual words.  
I don't know who to blame,
or maybe I do- but that feels worse.

8 years since you moved on
It's still so hard to believe, you're gone
I want to know how you're doing,
I want to believe you're somehow around me

The child inside me, often bangs on my heart
She always thought someday we'd restart.
Fate is such a strange thing
I don't know what you were here to teach me, if anything

Maybe it was to hold onto love even, if it's scary
Or to fall into change, I should be more daring?
I could ponder for longer, but I'll leave it at that for now.
I'll never forget you Ossie.

running myself ragged
i won't stop until i grasp it
pondering won't solve anything
pigeoning at least brings me peace
even when i'm tired i'll keep going
don't worry anymore, jellyfish

I hear her new hit and my past hits me like a mack truck.
I'm always falling into these ruts,
looking, searching, almost begging for reasons
Universe? Soul? God? Trauma?
Who made me like this?
I'm sick of this problem
Remembrance, rain dance, tears, karma
You're so embarrassing
"Go cry where no one's watching"
He said that to me and I stayed around him-
*****.
I isolated so hard, I tried to be forgotten
but deep down I just want to feel understood
like any other person
I want love and care,
Hurt me, choke me, leave marks where no one sees but me.
Just say you love me after;
I won't care if it aches.
I've already been in pain, irritated or feeling worthless
I haven't cared while caring so much
I'm sick of this problem
I want to blossom but it seems I'm a bud

The number grows but
I still can't tell if I am whole.
Every day is nearly the same
until it's simply not.

Even family changes or moves on.
No one is safe in the long run,
Not the encountered stranger,
the acquaintance or friends...

Nobody knows when they'll meet their end,
and it scares me.
I don't like the YOLO philosophy,
but here I am again, pondering.

I'm trying to make sense of everything
I'm wondering what exactly I need...
What can help me be happy?
I wouldn't say I'm ashamed but my past is embarrassing?

I guess I'll continue and just keep going
I'll keep trying my best,
For as long as I can,
I'll try to get through this

Some people think I'm dramatic,
"She's gotta be fibbing-"
I'm not sure why people won't take me seriously
I'm always "too sensitive," never impressive

They wonder why I choose to hide,
Stay inside and never visit
Because they don't accept who I am.
They throw me in the family box for misfits.

I tell myself I want to die
Push myself harder until I fly
I'm going so fast,
Don't look up at who's next
to me, I'm too busy
I don't want to see or accommodate
the people I've always pleased
coworkers, family and strangers around me
I will stop smiling at them all
and unwind the ribbon around my
face and body, I'm done
I don't want to pretend anymore
I'm sick
Of not knowing who I am
Because each time I show myself
I get convinced I have to be someone else
For them to love me, to wanna call me,
to ask to see me
they have to need something
so I'm done
I'll keep whispering to myself how I wanna
Cut and run
Just push the button thay explodes it all
and melt into the floor
I hate it