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When I die...
Will you visit me sometimes?
Wearing a nice suit,
Would you leave flowers by my name
and say a few words to get through a bad day?
You hide the truth.
Everything you say to me
feels like glue.
I get stuck in it
and don't know what to do...
I always end up finding out the truth,
just not from you.
You lie to me, intentionally or not, you hide the truth. It shocks me like a broken wire, it makes me feel like I'm on fire. I don't know how to be around you and not feel used up.
I binged today. Normally I'd say, "it's okay."
but the truth is that it's not
I wish it weren't so hard to stop, but I have a disorder
One that many people just don't understand.

It's like I have a hole I can't fill inside of me
one that keeps telling me I need to eat more
"You're not full yet, eat this, eat that!" My stomach tricks me
Until it doesn't and I feel the consequences of my actions.

If only I could stop myself.
The people who think it's as easy as telling yourself no are wrong
I spend money on food that I think will help me,
try to create a new habit called "eating healthy."

My disorder just laughs at this.
Because it knows what I'll do the next time I'm feeling anything
I'll go order a McDonalds number 3 large,
or go to the grocery and fill up my cart.

I'll get home and eat it too quickly til I can't move anymore
Then cry and feel angry that I'm too afraid to throw it up.
This is why I distance myself during the holidays. All the food gets to me. Why'd I have to cancel my therapy?
I quit therapy, despite it helping me.
The place and time stopped being right.
I think she'd be so disappointed
I'm full of shame again tonight.
I wanted to keep going but I can't help myself here.
There's something I desire
more than other things.
I can't stop this craving;
this longing to be free.

Maybe in another life, place, or time
bigger than you and me,
I'd be running through a flower field,
or exploring new cities.

Honestly I just want to run,
run far, far, away..
I wish I didn't care what they all say,
I'm sick of all this ****.
The tricks, and the gimmicks
Why cant I run away from it all?

Is it the rules I was given?
Or maybe the trauma I can't fix?
The way I start and always stop
just to get stuck in the midst?

The flashbacks that don't stop
or the drugs I just throw up,
I'm too scared to take the hint and
start to think "maybe I'm just not meant for this."

Even though I know,
I want to run so far away from here
and stop caring what they say.
I'm sick of all this ****.
The lies they make me say.
Why can't I just listen to my soul?

I hear her yelling deep inside,
telling me I should just go!
She says I can leave any time,
to where, I might not know.

I just can't fathom what might happen,
when I'm all on my own.
I'm scared it won't be worth it,
but what might happen if I don't go?

I'm tangled up in a mess,
the mess of life versus dreams.
It's a ribbon I'm afraid to untie,
because of this it'll always haunt me.
I'll follow you through the galaxy
into black holes, around moons, through seas
but will you follow me to a new atmosphere?
It's a planet that's so far from here.

Am I exceptional enough to capture your attention
if I am will this feature last long enough
for us to be known as star and moon for life?
If you follow me, I'll follow you.
When you're homesick,
you should go outside and close your eyes.
Then look up into the night,
see all the clouds in the same blue sky.

*It feels like home doesn't it?
It did, even for just a second.

Clouds are the same everywhere.
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