don't know what I'm doing here,
came with high expectations
for my pretenses to fall through,
but the only one falling now is me;
I can't seem to understand,
how everyone else can do this so easily
live a life they never asked for,
as if they did and they're happy;
how could anyone be happy
in a world as cruel as ours,
where its cooler to not care
than to get angry and cry,
because there's nothing
that any of us can do to change it
what I'm saying is again,
I don't see a point to this bullshit
why fight, struggle, cry, and hurt
when the end game is the same;
dead and then forgotten, buried in the dirt
or burned and turned to ashes,
sitting pretty on a shelf or scattered to the wind
our bodies becoming nothing fast,
while our soul begins a new journey on its own
wherever that is, whatever it is
maybe I'm more ready than I thought
to taste that kind of freedom
i find that even when i sit down to read a book, before i begin, sometimes i’m hit with a wave of sadness, this heart-dropping feeling of loneliness, fear of the emotions i’m about to feel, the emptiness, the focus i’m putting on my own mind… allowing myself to face my own thoughts all alone as they run through my head… it’s a scary, weird feeling and i wish i didn’t feel like this... i need to stop being afraid of being left to myself, of being an individual. i need to find fulfillment in life, in things, in reading alone, in taking photos alone, in spending time alone, in going on a walk alone... in being alone. at the beginning of this year i wasn’t like this, i found happiness and made peace with myself when no one was around but it’s changed, because of /you/ it's changed, something’s shifted, and i want my old self back, i want it to shift back, can i reverse this? can i please take back my old self?...
what have you done to me???
All the stars in the sky couldn't outdo your shine...
sorry, that's a cliche line
so should i compare thee to a summer's day instead?
no, sorry, that's plagiarism;
i guess i'm not as good at this as i want to be,
but it seems every time i try to tell you how i feel
the words just escape me.
There's nothing original in my head,
so i resort to using poetry
that's been recycled instead. You do that to me, you know,
you take all these impressive thoughts, long words
revised from dictionaries during high school essays where
i should have been focusing on the question
but found myself
more interested by the way words with more letters
could have so little meaning; words with less letters
could store enough emotion to fill a blank void with
billions of burning lights - you could create a universe for somebody with
just four letters, but you could
simply make a small dent within the air by using nine.
l o v e
r e d u n d a n t
nine meaningless letters for a pointless word - even
the word itself acknowledges its lack of necessity.
It was upon pondering these thoughts, just now
as i write this silly little poem that's
lost its flow, lots its rhythm and rhyme just as i seem to
lose myself when i'm around you,
that i stumbled upon a discovery
and though this discovery held no comparison
to the miracle i uncovered in
discovering your existence, and the way your eyes shine warmly like lanterns
whenever you're happy (something which consequently brightens my
dark and broody spirits, lifting them out ever so slightly from the hell they reside in),
i found it to be an important discovery all the same.
See, words and letters and literary features,
they're all so... simple, and how better to communicate with another soul
than doing so simply, in language even toddlers can understand?
If a four letter word can be more meaningful
than a word containing nine letters, then maybe less
really is more.
I'm coming to my conclusion now, just-
bear with me, here. It takes a guy like me a lot of courage to admit to what he feels.
See, i was going to write about the way your smile shines
bright and beautiful like the sun, but i realised that would mean that i'd never stand a chance
because if ever i drew close enough for a kiss
you would burn me.
So here it is. Plain and simple.
I love you.
there is a plant in my room that,
with no rhyme or reason,
withers and droops and snaps
whatever the season.
at times when there is plenty of sun
enough for its buds to open
and leaves to unfurl
they remain closed tight
against the light
i do too.
there is a plant in my room that,
when oxygen is inhaled and
carbon dioxide absorbed,
it picks up its branches and tries
to let the warmth reach its skin,
to bring back its colour and bloom a little.
but the light does not warm any deeper
than a layer or two
and when the exchange is over and left
it droops again
i try too.
there is a plant in my room that
can sometimes forget its water
and its dirt that keeps it grounded.
though it knows that
its roots will shrivel,
and its petals will fall,
that the watering can will gather dust
and its tray will fill up stagnant
till the sheer weight of negligence
can tip over its pot and scatter its soil
i forget too.
there is a plant in my room that
knows one day the sun will stop streaming
and warmth won’t reach.
that no buds nor leaves will remain to hold tight.
that gaseous exchanges cease.
that layers will shed and bare branches.
that roots will disintegrate,
and that water will evaporate.
it knows one day it won’t find its way back
after tipping over one last time.
that its soil will find other
weeds to keep alive
and it will decompose.
and i will too,
for there is a plant in my room that
dies when i do
I'm sorry baby but you can do that for you so I don't have anything for me anymore and you have no worries I love it tho lol okay I'll text your mom if she wants you too but she is still a little too bad she said okay good night but she is so happy I got to see her tomorrow morning so she could have a great time she said thank goodness for you so I don't have anything else for me anymore lol okay so sorry to say I don't want to do that but I'm sorry for you so much but you have a great day and you will see it all together again.
So high I barely feel the alcohol
So high my teeth are grinding into each other, I can hear their gnawing bone through my skull...
So high I'm flexing in-&-out of 5 of cups/5 of swords feels
In-&-out of 9 of cups/ace of cups feels
I don't want to sleep
I'm not sure if I want to speak to anyone, yet the thought that everyone is dead to the world makes me slightly sad
I wish I had a body like an instagram model. I wish I had an unlimited supply of molly.
Now I wish I had a car.
I'd drive 80mp into the middle-of-not-here
I'd listen to jointy, artful goth techno.
I'd continue to wonder if there is anything to patch up the hole inside-just right.
My head-space searching for things to sew in the fear or guilt.
Your peers think you're a fucking freak.
They think youre a toxic idiot.
They think youre homely and annoying.
You don't give a fuck what they think!
You know that if any of these people, that hardly know you-think any of that. It's exaggerated and unimportant.
Turn the volume up.
Nothing is real. Really.
Everything is a choice and decision.
You're deciding to be happy. Better than ok. Better than anything.
Thousands of days spent before. Rocking backnforth. In your bed. In the corner on the floor. The bathroom at work.
None of this terror is news. And none of it was ever enjoyable. So why the fuck do you entertain it?
You remember joy. Peace of mind.
You're in control.
I really like this song. Volume higher. Alone in the boondocks. I'm alone in the darkness. The only sign of life my heartbeat&breath.;
terror to rejection. Always glancing over your shoulder. To maintain perfection. So you don't get clipped. So no one else abandons or abuses you.
You keep your heart in plexiglass.
Cloud your eyes from the opportunity to be vulnerable.
But can you trust?
I pull away. To discern contrast. To discern how I really feel.
You still choose a plan B. You can't seem to release that.
You need to find your self love. Recover it. That which has been taken from you-before you had the chance to cultivate it.
I need the potion. So I never forget this cyclical pep talk.
I keep looking for that potion in booze, drugs. Positive reinforcement from others, outside of myself.
I'm so high. I need...
I'm fucking happy.
i wanted to say
but they got stuck
in my throat
so I choked them
back down like
vomit in your mouth
and I forgot them
just like that-
of better days
and better ways,
but we'll always
to waste, like today,
next year, maybe
where we're going,
where we've been
because the fish
aren't biting like
they used to
but the beer
is still going
and that's beauty
of late the word sources
has featured in an American President's
and on the subject of sources
he does like to ramble on and on
and on ....
who are the sources
the unnamed gang
what is the purpose in the sources
when will the sources
show the song sheet which they sang
where do these sources
all inconspicuously hang
why oh why are they sources
without any real twang
how can we believe sources
who've become estranged from
a reliable fang
She had a smile that lit up my heart and soul like a winter campfire,
no a bonfire, and rock and roll music playing constantly in the background, with the joy and sorrow in her huge heart,
that she flaunted with robust ease,
"Gorgeous", she said,
She was so gorgeous, and she called me that from across the apartment,
you are too, I thought but didn't want to say the same word so I just smiled, It's like we could spend a night together, a day together, a life even in those Betty Davis eyes, in hind sight, a life, intimate and quiet from another land near mine but not quite yet connected, or conquered,
but you did, and you quit smoking,
"I'll change for you", she said,
Movies and window peeping, it's okay they'd close the blinds if they wanted to keep you from looking, you did say, you said a lot of funny things I'll forever remember, I'll catch up with you later, if I make it, your not my wife I guess, I won't hold you back, stupid things to think, to say, in hindsight, more like a close sister,
"goodbye my very dear friend", and she would say it too,
A friend and companion, you were number one, teenage love,
partners in crime, should of stuck with you, I sometimes think, marching fast, arm in arm, way ahead of all those lazy stragglers with less direct motivation, swimming, bathroom makeover, frolicking in the night, fun, then the kiss, my very first kiss from a girlfriend, I liked it very much, short and brave and fast,
"Gross", she would not of said the same,
Sporty spice, travel the planet for hopes, and travel journey fun,
sports, and smarts,
"Fire in a running shoe", does you no justice,
Words, thick frame glasses on a little bird, but a very wise one, and eager and muchly shrewd, I wanted to stay, I don't know why I didn't kiss you on the mouth that day, to cautiously laid upon the cheek, sorry, you were the coolest,
"life as a poem, an article, a revolution", I just whispered it of you,
Oh how I wish to write you name now, for I fell for it before I even bought into you, not as quickly as I saw your frame in the distance though, my heart leaped, but you were a teacher, so busy I figured, still time for me though, mountain quests biking with a failed challenge to bunny over a log, it could have been done, you push, you challenge, we dove into conversation, eyes locked, I say we never dated but we did pursue it non the less,
"Spunky geeky gospel funk" I was up to it, still am,
Animated worlds, the gradual approach, a white girl from Africa, to know if you were an Africa-an African I didn't get that far, I knew it was possible when you touched my hand that night when we all went to the LOTR at the movies and you sat next to me, was that intentional, I think it might have been, so exotic yet familiar,
a real animation trooper, I wonder where you are now,
"Military legend of the big screen, a real tooner"
You all rock and roll and Rock, an old way you do, the real way,
I did love, I did care, and still hope for you girls, ladies, women, people.
I told her I'd write this in the shower
She was mentioned first
the order changes, you're all so cool plus,
there's no order,
just know you all could have been the number one for me,
if i weren't a crazy fool.
But a fool can become wise, so
"Here's to you!"
Maybe I'll catch ya later,
maybe I just did,
or maybe not.
I hope to someday,
anyways, until someday,
Bye for now,