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Realizing the mayhem sprinkled into my past
has left such a sour taste with me
it's put my emotions on blast;
finally seeing what happened to me.

I'm beginning to feel better
after having picked out the reminders,
but the child in me is bitter
and wants to see them covered in spiders.
They shouldn't have went there.
Aug 4 · 1.1k
Will you visit my grave?
When I die...
Will you visit me sometimes?
Wearing a nice suit,
Would you leave flowers by my name
and say a few words to get through a bad day?
Jul 21 · 427
You lie to me
You hide the truth.
Everything you say to me
feels like glue.
I get stuck in it
and don't know what to do...
I always end up finding out the truth,
just not from you.
You lie to me, intentionally or not, you hide the truth. It shocks me like a broken wire, it makes me feel like I'm on fire. I don't know how to be around you and not feel used up.
Jul 5 · 403
Binge Eating Disorder
I binged today. Normally I'd say, "it's okay."
but the truth is that it's not
I wish it weren't so hard to stop, but I have a disorder
One that many people just don't understand.

It's like I have a hole I can't fill inside of me
one that keeps telling me I need to eat more
"You're not full yet, eat this, eat that!" My stomach tricks me
Until it doesn't and I feel the consequences of my actions.

If only I could stop myself.
The people who think it's as easy as telling yourself no are wrong
I spend money on food that I think will help me,
try to create a new habit called "eating healthy."

My disorder just laughs at this.
Because it knows what I'll do the next time I'm feeling anything
I'll go order a McDonalds number 3 large,
or go to the grocery and fill up my cart.

I'll get home and eat it too quickly til I can't move anymore
Then cry and feel angry that I'm too afraid to throw it up.
This is why I distance myself during the holidays. All the food gets to me. Why'd I have to cancel my therapy?
Jun 26 · 426
I quit therapy, despite it helping me.
The place and time stopped being right.
I think she'd be so disappointed
I'm full of shame again tonight.
I wanted to keep going but I can't help myself here.
Jun 20 · 185
Run From Society
There's something I desire
more than other things.
I can't stop this craving;
this longing to be free.

Maybe in another life, place, or time
bigger than you and me,
I'd be running through a flower field,
or exploring new cities.

Honestly I just want to run,
run far, far, away..
I wish I didn't care what they all say,
I'm sick of all this ****.
The tricks, and the gimmicks
Why cant I run away from it all?

Is it the rules I was given?
Or maybe the trauma I can't fix?
The way I start and always stop
just to get stuck in the midst?

The flashbacks that don't stop
or the drugs I just throw up,
I'm too scared to take the hint and
start to think "maybe I'm just not meant for this."

Even though I know,
I want to run so far away from here
and stop caring what they say.
I'm sick of all this ****.
The lies they make me say.
Why can't I just listen to my soul?

I hear her yelling deep inside,
telling me I should just go!
She says I can leave any time,
to where, I might not know.

I just can't fathom what might happen,
when I'm all on my own.
I'm scared it won't be worth it,
but what might happen if I don't go?

I'm tangled up in a mess,
the mess of life versus dreams.
It's a ribbon I'm afraid to untie,
because of this it'll always haunt me.
Jun 2020 · 830
Star and Moon
I'll follow you through the galaxy
into black holes, around moons, through seas
but will you follow me to a new atmosphere?
It's a planet that's so far from here.

Am I exceptional enough to capture your attention
if I am will this feature last long enough
for us to be known as star and moon for life?
If you follow me, I'll follow you.
Sep 2019 · 981
When You're Homesick
When you're homesick,
you should go outside and close your eyes.
Then look up into the night,
see all the clouds in the same blue sky.

*It feels like home doesn't it?
It did, even for just a second.

Clouds are the same everywhere.
Aug 2019 · 921
It's not wrong
Laying in the grass
you look up into the sky,
it's a warm night between summer and fall.
The stars twinkle and you let yourself drift off.

You're dreaming.
You're floating up to the stars,
all of the things that make you who you are,
encompass you.

Then you wonder,
is it wrong?
To wish for a savior?
I'm here to tell you it isn't.

It's okay to want someone to save you.
To long for them...
to wish they'd rush into your life
and be there to catch you.

You're only so strong alone.
It's okay to sometimes,
just sometimes...
want someone to be the hero you're dreaming of.
May 2019 · 1.6k
Since you been gone
My heart fills up until it's pounding
I freeze and wonder where you are
or what you're doing...
Are we even in the same universe still
or are you out there floating?
A lot of my life has encompassed you somehow.
Whether I was just thinking of you during a sad time
or laughing while reminiscing...
I miss you and hold you in my memories.
Though, we'll probably never meet again
I hope time will untangle someday for me too
and we'll cross paths come what may.
I miss you.
May 2019 · 843
Around and around
Life is spinning around and around, things keep circling around and around, we all are moving like a whirlpool swooshing in our feelings until we thrash through enough to feel better.. but it just repeats and repeats.
Apr 2019 · 1.1k
Why am I tearing up
as I'm looking back at all this stuff?
I know I can't go back to these days,
so what's the point in feeling this way?

I dont remember the last time
I spoke to most of them,
So many of them are married now.
Of course I am happy for my past friends.

Sometimes it's just hard.
These people used to be the light in my life.
I'd run off the school bus to get inside,
just hoping they hadn't started a que yet.

I hoped so strongly back then
that they'd be waiting for me to get back.
Everything changed so fast.
Everything changes so fast...
I have not spellchecked this yet.
Dec 2018 · 1.2k
I hear his laugh
and the world stops spinning.
No one ever told me how good it felt
to just be happy.

To take a look at your life
and know what's happening.
Even if it's still the beginning
things can change so fast.

I never thought I'd move out
I always believed I'd be sad forever,
that I'd end up settling for someone
who always hurt me and made me cry.

Today I'm happy.
I can see my future unraveling.
I am in love with my best friend,
and I don't know what will happen tomorrow...

But I know it will be okay.
I'm finally in a place where I feel kind of comfortable. I'm not thinking about death everyday or feeling unevitably sad when I wake up. I feel like I will be okay and am hopeful.
Nov 2018 · 2.4k
Booboo and the Thunder
Thunder claps before the lightning strikes.
At least it did for me, and I learned
how a storm can be a beautiful thing.

The sprinkling rain
felt like kisses on my cheek.
Flutters came along after,
and swept me off my feet.

Everything felt better in the rain
that flooded past my ankles.
Even if it resulted in a sprain
it was still worthwhile.

The thunder was so vibrant,
I wanted it to last forever.
I thought it would have been nicer,
but the thunder was the tip of the iceberg.

After the thunder was over
I had no time to waste.
I tried dancing alone in the rain
and jumped from puddle to puddle.

It just wasn't the same.

When the lightning struck I was lost,
determined to make things work,
I stood tall on the perilous ground.
I would stay until things cleared out.

I refused to let this time be like all the rest!
I wanted to pass the test with flying colors
but I lost myself trying to impress others.
I was stuck in a downpour for what felt like forever.

I let the lightning strike me
but I made it out alive.
I'm smiling up at the sky, in the sunlight
that's peaking out at me.

A storm is a beautiful thing.
I'm so glad that I can call you my friend. We may not talk every day or every month, but, it makes me happy to see how you're doing. You created a great bundle of memories with me and I can't thank you enough for the lesson you helped me to learn. I'm so glad that you're happy and have made such a beautiful life for yourself. I'm proud that I can look back and know that you're a part of my story. Thank you.
Feb 2018 · 3.1k
Girl Number Five
I lost myself in you.

I tried my best to be the best, for you.

I felt a loneliness each day as I'd wait for you to say hi, until I met the ones that helped my eyes to not cry.

I slowly overcame that rope that so tightly kept me attached to my bed, to dwell in the sadness I felt. The sadness you helped to grow.

I realized that I didn't have to be the version of me that worked with you the most. I could be the best version of me for myself, and not anyone else.

That was the moment I knew we didn't fit. It was all an illusion I had created in my head. So I wished you the best, and we said goodbye, and now to you I'll be remembered as "girl number five."

If girl number five could give you any kind of advice, she would tell you to get over all five of the girls you've had in your life before looking for number six. Maybe if you do that, six will be the one that fits with you.
I'm happy without you.
Jan 2018 · 1.4k
We Said Goodbye
You seem to be doing fine,
I'm glad to not be haunting your life.
Knowing you're okay makes me so glad,
we said goodbye.
a love, just like ours, wouldn't last.
Jan 2018 · 1.1k
Who am I?
Who am I?
Someone tell me because I don't know, all I know is that I'm scared of myself and hurting. I don't like the way I'm turning. I hate myself and can feel the burning. I'm not infuriated I'm just sad. I'm a sad shell of a person who lost themself in someone else; something else. What did I ever really want? When did I change and why? Who am I? Someone tell me because I don't recognize who's looking back at me in the mirror. What I see is a whirlpool full of my deepest fears.
Jan 2018 · 937
Pressure of a Melt Down
I can feel the pressure building
But I don't want to burst, I'm not ready.
I don't want to cry anymore,
so don't let me.
Just hold me,
tell me something, anything to help me
I don't want to shatter.
I'm so afraid of the backlash and chatter.
Don't walk away yet,
please don't go.
I'm so ******* tired of being alone.
That's all last year was,
and it's eaten at me enough.
I can feel the monsters teeth still,
gnawing into my heart.
It burns like nothing else.
I want to erase it all from the start.
Jan 2018 · 994
For so long I was blinded,
but now I see clearly.
You blamed me,
you can never be at fault.
Maybe twice you gave in
but the rest was barren.

In the beginning it was obvious,
I was struck with a new kind of substance.
but mixed in with the distance, lies and resistance.
It felt like for so long, I was inexistent.

I tried so hard,
but I was never your lifeguard.
I was just a distraction,
and I'm sure, soon enough you'll be on to the next one.
I hurt myself over and over in the process of trying to love you.
Jan 2018 · 1.3k
Locked Out
It's never fun,
banging on the heart of another  
trying to get in when the key just, never really fit.
How can you love someone correctly,
when you're so angry over another?
Jan 2018 · 1.4k
We Danced
We danced a convincing number,
but your steps were always out of order  
you played me a beautifully painful song,
leaving my ears bleeding all night long

I wanted to keep dancing with you,
I wanted to sing by your side  
I tried to move slower, faster too,  
I tried to sing in the right tune...

Little did I know,
when you were looking away,
You were staring at the one
who couldn't dance the right way

Her bad moves, spread to you, maybe unintentionally,
Then you hurt me, you crushed me, you pushed me away...

Now we're no longer dancing.
We'll never sing again,
and I'm all alone now,  
Smiling again.
It feels like my heart isn't heavy anymore, and now I'm free to be me and not what I thought you were longing for.
Jan 2018 · 709
It's All Over
it's all over
you told me the truth,
you said the words
that i think i always knew.
it's all over with you.
you never wanted me,
you wanted her.
it's all over.
Dec 2017 · 648
I want to hold on to you,
even if it burns me.
I want to be next to you,
despite how you've hurt me.
I hate not talking to you.
Dec 2017 · 551
Back and Forth Writing
When I try to write poetry these days,
I feel tone deaf with the words I choose in some ways.
"How should I word this,
If I say that will readers catch on,
will he catch on?"
It makes me want to stop.
Dec 2017 · 511
Some people say my sad brain deceives me, I wonder if it's true?
Dec 2017 · 864
I hate you
I didn't want to hate you,
but I'm trying to accept that I do.
There's no way we will fix this,
you're not the right personality type to.
Every time I hear you I feel so sad and angry. I just want you to go away.
Dec 2017 · 611
Dive Away
It's becoming so hard to express myself, especially here. It makes me want to crash into the ocean and disappear.
Dec 2017 · 429
Cold Together
I'd rather be cold with him, than be cold with someone else.
Dec 2017 · 454
Warm heart
You make me smile
by doing the smallest things.
You make me feel happy
when I'm becoming upset or angry.
You make me forget those things
that made me so upset.
I'm sorry I can't stop staring at you
but it's your fault my heart's not taking a rest.
I'm a child again.
Always stuck in the middle.
No one is looking to make sure
I won't fall and get caught in a riddle.

You've pulled all of their eyes to you.
No one can invite others over.
You've made it so no one can do
the things they were planning to
before you decided to stay with us.
Dec 2017 · 363
frustrating me
words are one thing,
actions are another,
ignoring me
will just hurt me.
Dec 2017 · 678
You Keep me Warm (10w)
Thinking and dreaming
of our future together
warms my heart.
I’m always on your side.
I think you’re amazing,
the things you do
the way you say things,
how entertained you become
when you’re fighting cassowaries.
You make me want to be better,
you teach me things, even through letters.
I’m so proud to be the person next to you.
Nov 2017 · 621
I try to come down
when's he's not around, or sleeping.
I tried telling you once
and you said to just keep bleeding.

You don't understand or want to know
about how my wounds have deepened
I feel like I'm in the middle of a crowded street, screaming.
You wouldn't know about that feeling.

How I've wanted to jump off, into the deep end.
You lack the care that I so desperately want.
It often feels like you're just throwing out taunts.
Why do things have to be this way?
I have lost so many interests in the last two years, and have become much more depressed than I thought I could ever be. I want to run so far from here that you won't be able to hear me scream or cry. You make me always, want to hide.
Nov 2017 · 386
No one cares that you’re hurting.
They don’t understand how it’s controlling.
Nov 2017 · 536
I want out of here.
Let me out,
let me disappear.
I want to turn inside out and melt,
sink into water and ripple out.
I want to go home.
Nov 2017 · 360
It’s burning up around me,
every time you glance at me I try to hide.
Because I know what you’re thinking inside.
Nov 2017 · 399
There’s never any pausing with you.
You’re always asking me to do more things for you.
what am i supposed to say
when it feels like i should say nothing?
should i just stay quiet and miserable,
or say things that could bring on a horrible battle...
i think i’d rather crawl back into my bed.
Every time you look at me,
I just want to scream.
So I get a pack of crackers
and move to the next room,
the one that smells like dust and old things.
Every time I see you glancing over your ***** shoulder
I get chills up my spine
and just want to cry.
Nov 2017 · 475
I'm not as excited as I should be anymore,
it's more a sense of dread that I'm feeling.
Nov 2017 · 339
Easy to Replace
As I close my eyes I realize once more,
I’m not as important as they are.
I can always be replaced.
Nov 2017 · 369
I end up stopping again with an empty and long sigh.
Nov 2017 · 497
I rub the tears out from my eyes,
and remind myself not to cry.
But it doesn’t help at all.
Nov 2017 · 431
The truth?
I’ll treat you like an acquaintance
until I won’t have to know you anymore.
I just can’t get myself to trust you again.
Nov 2017 · 516
Please be patient with me,
I know, sometimes I get angry
over rather stupid things.
Usually because I want your time,
your affection...
I know in the end,
we're not disconnected.
Oct 2017 · 594
The car slows down
and in the moment
so does the sound,
all I can hear is my heart.

The car stops and so do I,
as I start to cry
I let everything out
that was being held inside.
Oct 2017 · 1.1k
Always Safe
I once wrote about one sad Jellyfish,
that disappeared trying to find her place,
looking back now I wonder how
she swam so far away,
when she was always safe.
I will never disappear again. Not from you.
Oct 2017 · 651
i just want to know that someone is here listening,
paying attention to me, making me feel like someone
wants to be there when it feels like no one else is.
not feeling important to anyone right now.
Oct 2017 · 410
Some days I want to be completely alone,
on others I’m crying for friends I don’t have.
Sometimes I want to go out and have fun,
other times I feel like a troll came
and super glued me to my bed over night.
It’s so exhausting, being scared and tired all the time.
Sometimes I wish I’d sink into soil and become compost for snails.
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