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always anxious Dec 2018
I breathe in until I feel like my lungs might explode. I tighten my neck muscels and before I can think - My entire body is tense.

I'm trying to supress it. It has ruined so much but I will not let it ruin another moment...
I grind my teeth trying to supress it further, not realizing that grinding my teeth ... was a tic too.

Letting my mind slip for a second; I come to find that I have failed - once again
I flick my head, blink my eyes violently - turning the day into a stop motion movie - Once again I already know the plot.

Everything is moving in slowmotion around me - my body moving too fast to hold it in I fail - once again my body is dancing to a beat that is not mine.

I feel the pain in my neck. It is sore from giving into the neverending urge - once again it is strained from constant twitching and has been for god knows how long.

I try to ignore the pain and focus on supressing what's coming next, but being distracted by the pain I fail - once again I flick my head and exhale as fast as humanly possible. The exhale doesn't come alone - it never does. A pallette of sounds escape my mouth.

It was not me making those sounds, but the lungs affected by the pain are mine.
I feel the cycle starting over - once again.

It goes through me like a wave of energy.
I have been robbed of the control over my own body - once again.
The power to fight back has ... vanished.

I go to bed early but sleep late; battling this force with every shard of energy I could possibly have left - Once again leaving me exhausted enough to finally sleep, despite the constant twitching.

They say it's a chemical imbalance in my brain.
Too much dopamine is released.
As far as I'm concerned dopamine is a "Feel good hormone", so why does it make me so miserable?

I lay here thinking about when this cycle will end?
And when it finally does end, when will it restart? - Once again...
I suffer from tourettes syndrome. This poem is written about how it feels to have a tic attack
- an unknown length of time filled with constant tics. It can last anywhere from 2 minutes to 24 hours.
lovelywildflower Nov 2018
the day i learned that you could actually die from a broken heart
i was so confused because i have never felt that pain
how could someone be that sad?
i didn't understand until i met you
and i knew if i lost you
i would die from a broken heart
my heart would stop operating normally
my heart would have no reason to go on
i wouldn't want to go on
i would die
i would actually die
the muscles of my heart would ache
it wouldn't know how to keep working
it would forget how to keep beating
it would forget how to pump blood
i would die without you

I don't believe anything
I'm so tired of watching my back
For nothing

Or is it nothing?
What if it's something?
Do they see me as something?

Something to toy with
Something to talk about
Behind my back with

I love her i do
But i'm terrified too
That she's toying with me

Whenever i leave
Her arms and her sight
She tells them of our night

And they laugh
For i'm so foolish
To think anyone would love me

I love him i do
My brother i've trusted
For years since we climbed trees

But when i see him
Talk to people i've
Never met

And they laugh
His lips make my name
Did he ever think of me the same?

But i dont know
If it's all in my head
And i dont want to lose them

If i lose them
There's nobody left
I just wish i could be sure of if they were lying to me

Or if i was lying to me
God i hope
It's just me lying to me
Wish i could stop thinking that everyone i know is just watching me believe i matter to them and laughing at my stupidity.
alex Jul 2018
I am tethered to a tree
20 miles away.
I have 20 more miles of rope.
a brown rabbit in winter
contrasted against the snow.

there's a wolf waiting for me ahead.
if he has to
he will swallow the rope.

I'm tired all the time
but I cannot sleep.
he's watching me.
he judges,
but his stomach does not.

I do not know if I can walk 20 more miles.
what's in it for me?
the wolf has hunted all our lives.
born beside me like a twin,
we are identical at heart.

like symbiosis, codependent
though it's hard to say which is the parasite,
I know that it's always me.
melinoe immortal Jul 2018
Pseudocoma state.
Mind, you receive
according to the EEG,
but the body in their presence
cannot respond.

Altered state of consciousness,
stroke of feelings,
permanent paralysis  of thought.
Vertical eye movements,
now they mean the same.
No difference between answering
yes and no.

There is something last to blink to you about ignorant world.
Whether the blinking will be up or down
nothing equals nothing to the infinite
in the present tense.

For all, a passage from light to the darkness
from here to gone.
There is no immortality,
just an ECG monitor that will indicate
’You may proceed to the morgue’.

Place your hands  on your faces
and rip out your fake eyes with force.
Save the matching crocodile tears
for one of your own.

With or without them,
your frivolous existences
blind and hypocrites to the core.

I refuse!
Till the end, I will not.
You are locked-out of my world.
trf May 2018
your "friends" that we meet,
i forget their names,
my calloused palms are greased,
by their  squeezing hands

i remember one's a banker,
or he could have said a thief,
his ******* words were flanked,
by my disbelief

i was held hostage,
you were a smiling drone,
i remember when i lost ya,
to Stockholm Syndrome

their Heirloom Suffix changes,
on tuxedos and trust funds,
my rental wears just fine,
i'm not a "chosen" one

   sparing breath from gettin' angry,
   i excused myself for a smoke,
   these times they are a changin',
   what's gonna cease this joke

   shorting stocks on tuesday,
   while playing ball in hand,
   honey, how could you lose me,
   busted seams this man

I am not a banker,
I am not a saint,
I'm not to be trusted either,
And won't place the blame.
I am not a proxy,
I am an astronaut,
But this distant world you live on,
Might not be your fault.
Thomas Conlan Apr 2018
Her broken boy-blue begins to beat again.
Blood flows foolishly to a love that's long gone,
but as the dark night nears dawn,
beauty shines upon the beast.
Rhythm he remembers; proof he's not ceased.

As the feeling flushes through, he's back to loving you.
Your broken boy-blue breaks again, just like new.
J Apr 2018
You know your sh*t -
But somehow you doubt
Maybe a so-called “expert”
Has summoned you out..
Or perhaps you’re young
And still yet unproven
And to challenge the gods
Is where  your heart
Is moving.


The bedrock sands in your field
Are constantly shifting
The cats in your herd
Are forever drifting.

What I’ve learned...

No single **** is going to know all -
If they claim to - they are lying.
Each and all of us in our trades..
Just our best we’re trying.

You won’t always win
But I can promise you this:
It’s way better to stand up..
And remember - you got this!
I’m a definite victim of imposter syndrome yet I still press on and fight when I think I’m right. It is terrifying but truly the only way to really live.
Wicked Mar 2018
I twitch
I shout
Without thinking
I move
I make noise

I don’t have any control

I ****
I yelp
Without thinking
I flick
I whimper

I never had control

I jump
I yell
Without thinking
I twist
I scream

I’ll never have control
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