If the world was the size of a penny,
a dollar would be my thoughts.
A silver coin forged in fire from scolding that's always scaulding hot.
Like a spider who cannot spin web,
I'm given a ball of twine.
Equipped with confusion and creativity, I weave a stronger web-like mind.
Under vulnerable exposure
I am like a cheetah without spots.
Mixing ink from my fear and pain to paint myself in polka-dots.
My missing words hang in the air
like wood and winded chimes.
Missing points and memories just because they slip my mind.
If the world was the size of a penny
I'd have a penny for my thoughts.
I'd spend it on complete sentences,
some extra twine,
Looking for a shred of understanding.
I don't have a personality
I have a diagnosis.
I am not 'very- '
I'm 'hyper- '
I'm not 'bad at'
I'm 'exhibiting dysfunction'.
I'm not forgetful
it's time blindness
I'm not clever
I'm not active
I'm not shy
I have a cluster of conditions
balled up in my chest
instead of a heart.
I don't have a brain
I have a doctor's hand behind my eyes
navigating me through the world.
I'm empty without my suffering.
I hate myself for talking
I inevitably do
And I wonder if you’d been so mean
If you really knew
That I would cry for hours
Hate myself for days
Stare blankly into mirrors
Until my worn eyes glazed
That for years it would haunt me
I’d replay the words I said
Your disgusted look
Tattooed inside my head
That I’d lie awake at night
Clawing at my skin
Because I hated what I knew
Was lying deep within
And I wonder if you’d been so cruel
Had you truly known
What it’s like to live with autism
How it feels to sit alone
Disrupted.. my mind, let me think how it's done,
It's not that I'm not, unless I'm gone.
I know, yes I know.. and it slept once again,
This thought is so quirky, can't see nothing but pain.
It's muddy and sticky its all over this head,
A head that a long time ago has gone mad.
Im bouncing thru time and thru space and thru life,
They're trying to take off the blur, but it's never enough.
Those solid and smelly, oh people they are called,
Are trying to reach us, oh this game is so old.
For years, no. decades I'm swimming inside,
This poor little brain with this sick little mind.
Autism, suffering, life
Who would come lay their hand on me
in the thickness of my confusion;
The thickness of my Love.
Will you offer your Hand to me
in my fog
And when home is lost to me
Will you tell me where it is?
Will you salt the wound that needs to sting before
it begins to heal,
Will you salt my wounds for me?
O mystery; Who will you be?
Will you Taste me and spit me out,
for fear of keeping a lukewarm thing in your mouth,
Your mouth, Steady with change.
Will you know I too am steady with change,
Will you know I too am an eager student?
Will you keep me in your mouth,
the days I am not burning and delicious?
Will you forget me
Will you let go of my hand
And forget me in the fog
Smoothly is an utopian dream
and therein lies the troubles,
we are all set upon our paths,
all individual bouncing bubbles.
Each and every one of us
has our own journey to tread,
and the differences in our bodies
are matched by those in our head.
So accept the person you are,
into your being melt and immerse,
ignore smooth, embrace the rough,
revel in the beauty of being diverse.
© Pagan Paul (16/04/20)
written for www.diverseuk.org
Think of a time
when you had a friend
one negative thought
will make your friendship end
if you think your mind is negative
then think again,
all this bitterness inside
must come to an end.
Echoing voices inside your head
the words clogging up your ears
after all the books you read
you believe there are more words
that hasn't been said
if so, don't overthink it
don't drown yourself with dread.
Dream about achievement
never over relax
don't chase your dreams by sleeping.
Hope won't bring you low
you say it's pointless
believe me I know,
always stay positive for
god will shine a light on you
and make your confidence glow.
Imagine a day without stress
if everyday was a vacation,
you couldn't careless
picture your mindset again
it's not a torn up mess,
fiill your thoughts
with happiness and nevertheless.
Love from the work of God,
he taught you much
loving him wasn't so hard
but loving other people is
that why he made you smart
by managing your feelings
he has given you a clean heart.
Believe in God and yourself
God loves you as aspie
he gave you multiples of talents
of what he trained you to be.
Happy Autism Awareness Month!