Yet with the hype and madness about the Coronavirus
I open window and take a deep breath breath of icy Alaskan air

The glass wearing a frosty negligee
Leaving transparent area just large enough to get a small peek at the natural show of pale snowy scenery on the other side

Eerily quiet
There is a foreboding sensation about the vacant stadium
Lone songbird whistling simple serenades to a pre-apocalyptic invisible audience

Strange creatures stirring
Hiding them inside our skin
Bone and flesh prison

Some days feel my strength returning
Have hope I will be happy once more
But other days harder than ever
Heartache rippling through my core
Memories my bittersweet escape
Just wish things could be how they were before...

Don't understand why universe took you away
Bits of you seen in all surroundings in some sort of way
Anyone observing wouldn't notice something wrong
Crumbling under a surface that is strong
I attempt to hold head up high
Shrugging off wounding emotion
Repeating routine robotically
Earth's rotation slow-motion
I send deepest regrets with the wind to be lifted into the sky
Whispering words never said before
Worst of all:
"Goodbye"
Accepting absence as permanent obstruction
Leaves me teetering on edge of destruction
There are moments I wish ground would open up and swallow me whole
Touching not one drop of water yet I'm drowning in the depths of my soul
You always did best to protect me throughout the years
In return I have let you down
Victim of my greatest fears
It might not have been my responsibility to keep you safe and sound
I could have poured out some of those shots you would pound
It was my duty keeping your secrets locked up out of sight
Over and over again I told you no so you responded with a fight
Rather than be at odds I would give in to your spiteful remarks
You ultimately would win and I would fetch your bottle of Monarch
Now I'm haunted by those countless simple mistakes
Forced to bear weight of the fact I didn't have courage it takes
I want to rewind life so I could get another chance to show
That you mean much more to me than I dared to let you know
I'd rather be who's held in the reaper's embrace
Than stuck here tears running down my face

Not one single day passes without wishing you were here
Stare at your photograph trying to fight back each tear
Hard accepting arms can't ever again hold you near
At least memories I cherish most will never disappear

Life's about the suffering
Peace a destination
What is more important
Is what happens duration

Impossible to self-pardon sins
Plagued with doubt and fear
What if darkness creeping within
Sronger than the light inhabiting here?

Worrying is not worth the toll
I have to pay my dues
No one can walk path for me
Don't wear the same size shoes

Each break and bruise instruction
Finish line forever unknown
Happy endings fantasy
Majority synthetic like silicon

It has to shift before we surrender
To assimilation of society
In-between consciouslessness
And controlled compliancy

After Point A wandered astray
Point B hopeless cause
Meandering sheep in a deluded daze
Progression practically on pause

Creativity and cerebration rare
Killed in each as a child
Brainwashed being obedient
Different labeled 'wild'

Those in power yearn to program every step
Shaping image to fit their mold
Corrupt agenda is nothing new
Most don't realize they are trapped in their hold

I want to lead uprising
But I simply am too afraid
Remember when surroundings were calmer
Present for past I desperately long to trade

We had plenty of time to correct behavior
There is an existing disconnect
From planet earth and each other
Too immersed in screens for paths to intersect

A thousand unanswered questions
In silence reality is revealed
Up to us to find purpose in this dimension
Stumbling blindly through this battlefield

We are closer to cliff than we realize
Inching towards edge each day passing by
Shadows halting vision with uncertainty
Wings clipped so we are unable to fly

I did not think those words you said
Would make me feel this sad
Or that confirmation of what I already  knew
Could hurt my heart so bad

I guess I blinded myself
Out of fear for misery
It was easier saying I believed you
Than to stand ground and disagree

Plus putting you down for past mistakes
Would not help the situation
Degrading wouldn't decrease disappointment
Only increase aggravation

You do not need to hide the past
Heard you mumble words you will not repeat
"I'll never cheat and hurt you again"
I did not even miss a beat

I winced slightly though you did not see
Luckily we were joined by phone
It suffocated my grieving heart
I kept my hurt feelings unknown

It was hard keeping my voice even
Harder to focus on yours
I pondered ***** details
Many possibilities explored

I've been aware of your disloyalty
For some time now
Yet tore heart more than expected
Hearing it spoken aloud

Pretended not to notice
Told myself I did not care
Your friendship is too dear to me
To lose over an old affair

I think of all that we have been through
Indiscretions I chose to let slide
The lying, betrayal, and pointless games
Trying though hard to put the past aside

Leave your mistakes, and mine behind
Believing it is possible to change
No matter how I wish you to
Only my head has been rearranged

It was I who wanted to know the truth
It sounds different than I thought it would
Discovering getting what you wished for
Does not always feel that good.

I'm watching my life go up in flames
Coughing lungfuls of smoke
Can't see around the glow from the blaze
Try to breathe but choke

I'm careful not to get too close
Keep a safe enough distance away
Helpless as I watch my home
Descend into a state of disarray

I try to escape the inferno
But the doorway is blocked by fire
I have no choice but to burn along with it
A victim to consequences of my selfish desires

I've accepted cold reality
You truly are forever gone
Without your presence I feel empty
Hard to find the strength to go on

It was your name stuck behind my lips
Falling in love before I knew what it was
Head drowning in daydreams of us together
Around you always had a natural buzz

Every fluid intoxicating second
Soaked up like alcohol
Words; drops of wine so sweet
Love, anguish, pain; drank them all

Tears like condensation appeared
In corners of your eyes
Tumbling talking temporarily blurred
Color to your face did rise

Days passed, feelings grew stronger
Lack of communication had me scared
Space between too thick to break through
My mind still enraptured,unprepared

Until filled with different thoughts
Filled with images of someone else's face
I'll sabotage emotions as they form
A world of memories I will eventually replace

Spanking and biting
Tying me to the bedframe
You make pain pleasure

Cannot shake these feelings
Love in my heart is stronger than me
Your memory harasses day and night
Shackled to past, will I ever be free?
It is never too late to start over
Not too late for change, don't you see?
It is never too late to be the person
You always wished to be

VERSE ONE:
You know me truer than I know myself
Lately I've been turning into someone else
Thoughts I place upon a shelf
Hidden cause I won't ask for help
An honest woman most the time
Except when saying I am fine
I ask the universe why I'm alive
Born to live
Live to die
A fool
Will not try to deny
Already accepted I won't make it in life
Every moment you break me it hurts a little more
Worth it feeling butterflies in my core
Were once best friends but not anymore
After the pain I guess you got bored
Would bring flowers to your front door
It wouldn't make you feel the way you did before

HOOK:
To make something happen we had a chance
Just have to remember that homecoming dance
Believe it is special
Love we share
Can you sincerely say that deep down you don't still care?

VERSE TWO:
This worse than I ever feared
Fall of everything once held dear
This where the face that used to be near
Becomes distant memory
And unclear
Built by us when we first arrived here
The smiles
Secrets
And tears
As they tug heartstrings
Feelings flooding back
Standing on piles of perseverance I lack
Through mess it's difficult to make out what's real
Can't tell if infatuation or animosity I feel
Pinned against walls that close in and seal
Inside our souls so we don't heal
Meet shadows as we bend and kneel
Wonder from the floor why the world is so surreal
Your noose hanging from a beam of steel
Your death is a choice fate may steal

(HOOK)

I'm not pretty but that is what they say
Do not believe yet still I reply "okay"
I have cuts across my heart
Sorrow portrayed as a work of art
I'm always sleeping in late
Life lived in a foggy state
Dark circles rest on face
I've had plenty hours
In dreamland dancing barefoot picking flowers
Permanently bitter due to much neglect
Too far gone for innocence to ever ressurect
I'm too cynical to let anyone near
Not warm enough so people disappear
And I cannot fathom why anyone would stay
It's no surprise when good things slip away
I fake laughter to disuassade any concern
Joy is a blessing for which I desperately yearn
But in conversation I act like I am fine
Do very best not to reveal a single sign
I wear dark eyeliner to match my point of view  
Even black isn't quite enough to mimic the hue
Because insecurities constantly bring me down
Erasing smile then replacing with frown
I self isolate
I know deep inside
Loved ones would be better off if I died

I wonder where the hell I went wrong
Couldn't see till it was too late
Now I wander lost within walls of this labyrinth
A victim of inevitable fate

I was warned to be careful
But I threw caution aside
Desperate for peace of some sort
Problems eventually multiplied

Said it was only temporary
Till my resolve began to cave
And the ditch I had dug surely deepened
Until the hole became my grave

When the walls surrounding me
Got to such a threatening height
That they shut out rays from the sun
I adjusted to life without light

But I long to give one final attempt
To climb out from depths of this abyss
Laughter ringing in memories past
Is an artifact I wistfully miss

Every day my smile fades more
Realizing one of my greatest fears
That the longer I loiter in this low place
The more likely it will forever disappear

No longer call you baby
Because we're not in a relationship
I promise you will never feel my arms again
My loyal hand to grip

You will nothing to get any more sleepless nights
Darkness attempts to pull me back
A task that cannot be achieved
Memories fade into the black

My mind finally in a right place
Still support your supposed goal
Through harsh decisions I see the pain
I won't give up hope for your broken soul

Please don't forget the impact I've made
We've shared so much life, and time together too,
I love you, at least the guy I thought you were
You'll always have a part of me, but I'll never have any of you.

Life is no charming fairytale
Even on easiest days
Most blessed person you know
Has demons to keep at bay
There's no such thing as perfect
Beauty eventually will all decay
The only hope we have is to hang on
Find happiness within the disarray

I know you do not need me
Act like you care
Inside I see you are broken
Pain so great can hardly bear

I give what relief I can
Need you to take it from my lips
Memory wraps me in a blanket of peace
Soft like your fingertips

Find myself discovering
In my thoughts signs I couldn't read
Truth I tried so hard to figure out
All along hidden in front of me

Be honest and joy will come to you
Able to accept flaws and mistakes
The sooner you will succeed if you do
Have to dig deep whatever it takes

I wonder if you've forgotten the facts
Showing who you really are
It comes naturally to you
Dishonesty is masked with charm

No chance of falling for your facade
Done that many times with you
You crossed a line, our trust broke
When I see you I see the pain you put me through

Do not think compliments and affection
Will magically vanquish the past
Are words all you think it takes to win?
Come on, you can work harder than that

Starting to see you're faceless
Shifting shape from head to toe
Will you stop deceiving all who gaze?
Are you satisfied living out a show?

The most beautiful lie I ever heard in my entire life

Can I keep hearing again and again?

Inside mind
Waiting in the very back
Teasing all day

Forgot place it originated from
Patiently rested there so long

Where am I with no trace of these words?

Now I am forcefully facing the truth

Calling friend in my time of need

Just crying out to deaf ears

No one listens

They take advantage of what I am missing

Pretty flowers have wilted and died

Butterflies in tummy flew off

Ripping the band-aid off as fast as I could

You strode into life without my permission

So I wonder why it hurts this much to watch you walk out of it

I've never felt whole as I did the moment you murmured those three perfect words

So scary thinking back how many emotions I experienced
You shared none of them

Me
And myself alone felt gravity pulling towards you faster than a magnet springs toward metal

Keeping tears as trophies to put up for show in your mental display case

Waiting for me to topple so you could catch me in your net
A specimen shown off
To use

Everything ruined with the shattering realization that when you said
"I love you"
Were merely lying

It all was a lie

**** is green
My eyes are red
I can't decide between
The refrigerator or bed

"A setback" is understating

World completely fallen to pieces
It has disintegrated entirely

Opportunity to make new one

Spectacular comeback?
OR
Extraordinary letdown?

Where there is mistletoe and twinkling lights
There are also memories of me and you
It kills me to know that I'll be spending
Christmas this year alone and blue

Life had not been so kind to me
Since harsh Winter decided to come around
Kicked me out of your life and then
Scattered our love over the ground

We do not talk very much anymore
Seems like you're happier now
Without my sour attitude
To hold back and keep you down

Everyone is critically whispering about
How long it is taking me to move on
I don't care because they don't know
The way it feels to be consumed by a presence long gone

Holiday cheer is in the air
Yet a scowl adorns my pale face
Too haunted by ghosts of the present and past
Too many memories time can't erase

To enjoy the decorated trees
Or the music falling on my ears
It seems like my disdain for Santa
Only strengthens through the years

Don't wish me a Merry Christmas
Because it's going to be anything but
The irony is too much for me to take
I'd rather you just keep your mouth shut

I don't want any presents or cards
My grinch-like heart is bitter to the core
The only thing I want for Christmas
Is to not love you anymore

Addicted to everything you are
Going crazy without you here
Think I'm starting to go through withdrawals
I would give anything to have you near

Sometimes hear voices in my head
Well, scratch the s, only one
Your voice, repeating things you've said
Scared that I'm coming undone

Talk to my reflection and say
The things I want to say to you
I never will, I'm too afraid
You don't feel the same way I do

I spend nights crying my brain to sleep
Because I own no hand to hold
Don't know how to stop the tears
I shake even though not cold

Can't focus on anything
Your face always on my mind
Keep thinking about what I would do
If I could jump back in time amd rewind.

I yearn to feel your touch again
My heart broken and scarred
Everything hurts, morning air stings
Sobriety has never been so hard

Live life step by step
Taking care to smell roses
Passed along the way

Ghosts in my heart won't leave
Play with feelings then hide
Drive me crazy with unseen tricks
Patience a trait hard to find

Sanity dwindling swiftly down
Falling into an abyss of madness
A vision created with perfection in mind
Deciphered into instructions for false happiness

Remain alive, blueprints collapsing
Dark shadows in my peripheral appear
Asphalt scented with burning regret
Heated by sun, cooled by tears

Left foot in the entryway
Other on the shaking ground
Walk through the threshold
Eyes closed, waiting to be found

As if I am an item worth searching for
Know there's no one looking for me
Pain, sadness, damaged self-esteem
All anyone ever sees

It is 1AM and I'm falling apart
Sheets really constrict and choke
A night lasts an eternity
Swimming in regret and soaked

Now that I have begun to heal
I do not want to remember
The heartache you made me feel
Those cold days in December

Tonight I am destined to fail
Mind will take me back
The concrete wall surrounding
My fragile heart will crack

Memories will trickle out,
One moment after the other
I will try to make them go away
They're too strong to smother

I have hidden them for far too long
In your quiet presence they awaken
Reminding me that I cannot have
Back pieces you have taken

All this time I have avoided
Mention of your name
Because I will not allow myself
To fall again into your game

Every once in awhile
I forget that you are a liar
It slips my distracted mind how dangerous
It is to play with burning fire

Hear a maybe in my head
Feel a little flicker of what we had
I reminisce about how it once was
Before our relationship went bad

I should know better
I see through your disguise
A master of illusion
You have one billion alibis

So tell me that you have changed
You're sorry you didn't stay
But do not expect me to believe
You're as different as you say

I could not handle all the hurt
Although you bring laughter
Because I finally realize with you
There is no such thing as "happily-ever-after"

Choked back sobs this morning
Told you how I felt
How happy I sensed we could be
You could not feel my words melt

Speeding down my mouth, fragile sounds
Through the phone, nowhere to go
Regret hanging over the shallow line
Vivid memories draped in voices known

Keeping calm yet magnetized
Love immense but difficult to hold
Perfect coincedences forced together
We clicked, now disaster unfolds

An easy connect-the-dots picture
Even in our most trying parts
Direct and to-the-point with problems
So vague and uncertain when it came to our hearts

Unyielding respect given freely to you
My mind is still treated with none
Seems the universe decided
You were the more deserving one

At least that is what it looks like
Life plays clear favorites, unaware
Reasons behind actions hard to explain
No such thing as "just", "right", or "fair"

Love enjoys teaching lessons
Family and friends used as tools
Whether we choose to lose or gain
Is how to tell who among us are fools

All these painful mistakes I ponder
Have shown how beautiful Earth is
Intoxicated, only have oxygen collected
Found a breathless high in natural hits

Do you comprehend what I am saying?
Pushing away with lies
Easily hurt by careless deceit
Stop torturing with your eyes

Stop using me like a pawn
Done getting my heart broken
I trusted you and you watched me drown
Let me fall into your stormy ocean

After the doomsday
Our relationship
Wasn't much left

My heart turned into a barren wasteland
No signs of life

Zero survivors

All feelings that used to flood my body had fallen victim to the slow disease poisoning my flesh called heartbreak

There was a deadly epidemic
No emotion was spared
Widespread and timely demise
From the word "goodbye"

Now living through each day is torture

Within a huge desert landscape I roam
To find a way to repopulate my soul with happiness again

The apocalypse ended up being a real *****

Afraid to get hopes up too high
In case you are not feeling the same
Know we are practically strangers
I can't help but smile when I think of your name