this was never technically our song but i only hear you when i listen to it smoking in the dark
i found places to kiss and you found a way to let me
i want to be mad at you for letting me
this is the first time i have let myself listen to this song since... well, since i realized that you didn't have a song for us and i did
it sounds a little sadder than it's supposed to and i know that's my fault i let my heart bleed into it too much
i want someone to hold me but for the first time in two years, i don't want it to be you i think that's progress but i'm sitting here with my earbuds in wanting to be held while you stay up with her on the phone, later than you ever did with me
i hold myself and let it be enough i make this my song instead of ours and let it be enough
time change, we're different, but my mind still says redundant things. can i not think? will you love this part of me? my lover is, the day i can't forget.
**** i love that song. i'm ****** you ruined it. but more ****** that i let you. (i used the word 'let' a lot. don't psychoanalyze it too much)
you did nothing for me and yet i'm still here immortalizing you why can't i give it up? i held on to loving you for so long but now i'm just holding on to hating you
let me let go
all the poems i wrote you were exaggerations to make up for the love you never gave me i can admit that now
sure, the 'i love you's were on your lips but your kisses tasted like, '*******'s
you never listened to me you never listened to the songs i asked you to you never set up your ******* voicemail
you broke up with me over text. while i was with my family. in utah. having panic attacks every day. telling you about them. see above: you never listened to me.
i'm sick. sick of you. sick of this. you're over it. my mind is over it. why isn't my heart?
i'm done coming up with metaphors for you for how much you took and never gave i'm done making excuses for you, and taking the blame and i'm not going to do the 'just friends' thing with you if you're going to tell our friends to cut me off and smile at me like nothing happened smile like two years took nothing from you
and i guess they didn't
i don't want to even hate you, that's too much of my energy to give to you. I CAN'T BELIEVE I LET YOU **** ON ME FOR TWO YEARS. i must literally be psychotic. someone ******* hospitalize me omffg.
i can't look at anyone with purple hair without seeing you even though you dyed it silver just before you.... before we.... yeah it *****, but i'd rather see you in people that aren't you than not see the you that you aren't when i look at your face
that makes no sense
i keep confusing the you that you showed me with the you that i made up and i still don't know which one loved me
but i know it is 'loved' past tense
i'm pretty sure it was past tense even before you sent me that text oh god, that text
i didn't know a heart could shatter so slowly and yet completely all at once; like an ice cube that cracks as soon as it hits the water but takes hours to fully melt
i hear you in all the songs we used to listen to together and these days, that's most songs i play even though i finally mustered up the will to delete the playlist i made for you
it was just a part of the melting
so i guess i'm writing love poems and breakup poems at the same time. god, if i had a therapist this would be a fun conversation xD
i miss the **** out of u, blue eyes. but also idk if i can see u rn cuz i wouldn't be able to not kiss ur face. or i would. and idk what is worse atm.
you didn't blow up my world. you didn't. losing you didn't feel like the apocalypse and there's no way i'm crying over you. two years of holding your calloused hands in mine wasn't the highlight of my life. seeing your hair fade from deep rich shades of purple to a light airy lavender never made my heart stop. i can't even remember how many times i had to remind myself that you were even mine. because you wouldn't do it for me.
i learned how much you love to hold on. your knuckles are white. your room is full to bursting with little useless things and i never once wondered why you don't throw them away. you don't know me better than i know myself. i can't pick you out from a crowd and right now i don't want to. the fact that you broke up with me over text doesn't bother me anymore. or at least that's the story i'm going with this time. i already forgot the exact words you said.
you didn't blow up my world, you tilted it on it's axis. the day i lost you was the day the world kept going on without me instead of ending like it was supposed to. i can't cry over you because i can't even breathe. years with you have shown me that my life is all highlighted. you make even my broken childhood feel like a dream. the ever shifting color of your hair never stopped my heart because it could only go faster and faster to keep pace with your laugh as i twisted it around my fingers. you never reminded me in words, you did it with your sure steady gaze as you walked me all the way to the end of your driveway when i had to go.
you love holding on to broken things because you're worried that no one else will love them. that's why you held on to me. and you will never know me like i know me because you always believed me to be better than i am. you made me see the light in myself even after i called myself a black hole. i see you in every place we used to share and i don't ever want to pick you from a crowd because i'm scared i'll run to you. i don't remember what you said when you let me go because i'm still holding on. my knuckles are white too.
and i'm so sorry that i don't hate you
i'll always love you blue eyes. and i'll never delete these poems cuz i'm a ******* *******. have fun without me and stop showing up in my dreams <3
(yeah this is a parody of 'a really, really ****** love letter' and i have no regrets)
the knives that slit the dandelions from your fingers cut into my sleep and burn the insides of my eyelids black i know it isn't the same hurt, but that hurts more all i wanted was to paint your fingertips gold but they bleed red rose petals in my nightmares and wake me too late
the memories draping over your face like a bridal veil don't hide your tears from me please let me take them from your head your past has an ugly face full of broken promises that made a little girl grow old too fast don't keep your pain in your pockets in place of your dandelions
i know this is why i learned how to sew at the time i thought it was so i could quilt my thoughts together in a way that made sense but seeing your bleeding fingers in my dreams made me realize that my needle wasn't for the fabric i bought it was for skin and bone and bleeding hearts that mean more to me than gold
i'll fight your demons with my fists as long as you promise to wear the flower crown i made you <3