I remember my younger days
Were the ashes of fire grew higher
Crowds and streets with empty praise
If they practice truth in the mirror, they´re a liar

I remember the iron curtain
Blocking any ray of sun
When crazy mind´s were the only sane
and you could´t trust anyone

I remember childhood dreams
That died for each year that I grew
A time when ends justified the means
and what joy meant no one knew

I remember beliefs forced upon me
Until I was convinced they were my own
When being a alive was the same as being free
Feeling unsafe under the roof of my home

I remember the color red
On the ground and on the flag
I remember the tears I shed
When I lost the few good things I had

I remember being scared
To sell my soul by mistake
To become like the people I feared
and not realize until it was too late

I remember a foreign earth
Across borders, beyond the wall
Where no one decided what a life was worth
I remember waiting for the barricade to fall

I remember my younger days
Memories burned into my mind
I remember the crowds and streets of heavy praise
When the fog lifted in 1989



«Copyright Johanna Magdalena Husebye»

It´s been raining for seven days
I just want to see the sky
A piece of me is out of place
I watch the clouds as they cry

Nothing matters now
I am going insane
Our sacred vow
Has fallen with the rain

It´s been raining for seven days
I just want to block it out
Standing on the street in a daze
Wishing for a drought

Nothing matters now
Who am I without you
The sky has forgotten how
To paint itself blue

It´s been raining for seven days
I just want to drown in this sea
You have fallen from grace
Was she more beautiful than me?

You were like a breath of fresh air
Fluttering through my clothes
But you´d disappear
When I needed you the most
Suddenly so close touching my skin
But my heart would get so cold
When I let you in

You were like a breath of fresh air
Fluttering through my veins
But you´d disappear
and nothing good remains
Wandering through the street
Without you I couldn't breathe
I´d search for you stumbling uphill
But the world remained still

You were like a breath of fresh air
So powerful and strong
With you rippling through my hair
I felt like I belonged
You left me fragile and bare
When you faded and died down
You were a breath of despair
When I think about it now

I don't want to be afraid
I don't want to let you win
I heard about your cutting blade
and now fear is sinking in
I´ve been telling myself it's all in my mind
I don't need these walls to hide behind

I don't want to be afraid
Fear is your weapon of choice
I spoke aloud when I prayed
Just to believe my own voice
I´m saying God´s words until they become mine
Please do not fear I'm with you for all time

I don't want to be afraid
I'm not, I yell with the youth
But my heart would be betrayed
Because right now it´s not the truth
I´m afraid for my country, I´m afraid for my life
The peace I describe you cut through with your knife

I don't want to be afraid
I won´t show you that I am
These waves of terror that you've made
Won't break the will of man
Even afraid we march with lasting bravery
I have love inside that not even death can steal from me

I don't want to be afraid
and one of these days I won't
I see beauty every day
Even if you don´t
No matter what horrors or weapons you use
Trust me in the end you are going to lose

How much is a life worth?
When you stare down the barrel of a gun
Does it vary by place of birth?
Do you have to be loved by someone?

Maybe money decides
Or a great personality
How much is it worth your life?
Maybe wisdom is the key

Do you have to make a mark
Maybe discover something new?
To keep that beat in your heart
For your life to have more value?

Maybe if you are beautiful
Your life is worth much more
Or really funny, never dull
You´re more valuable for sure

Maybe if you're a parent
Or you have a product that sells
Maybe if you have years well spent
You're worth more than someone else

Maybe if you believe in something
Or give money to charity
Maybe if you're the son of a king
They'll let you go free

Maybe if you have honour and fame
Or many hopes and dreams
Death might miss its aim
And see how much your life means

How much is a life worth?
How many tears do you need?
For someone to miss your presence on earth
For a whole world to grieve

How will they know your someone?
and not just a name on a list
Someone's daughter, someone´s son
Someone who will be missed

It's been a long time
and now you're here
I´ve been picturing this in my head
Never thought you would appear
It's been a long time
But you still win
I´ve been picturing this in my head
Should've known you´d come creeping in

It's been a long time
Do you wanna talk?
You didn't want to back then
Couldn't face that you broke my heart
It's been a long time
Will you ask to stay?
You didn't want to back then
So why are you here today?

It's been a long time
I don't know your motive
You seem happy to see me
But there are things I'd rather not relive
It's been a long time
But you're just the same
You seem happy to see me
But I don't see why you came

It's been a long time
and now you're here
I´ve been picturing this in my head
But you made my conscience clear
It's been a long time
But I'm gonna have to decline
I´ve been picturing this in my head
and now it's your turn to be left behind

You ask me what a true poet is
Do you know what I think?
There´s more to a poet
Than their tears and their ink

There is hope on that paper
With dreams in each word
You love then you hate her
Some letters are blurred

There is passion, there´s comfort
A moment preserved in time
Piece of a heart, piece of a soul
Between every line
All of the thoughts that can´t be defined

There is confusion and tension
Happy and fearful days
Not just paper and pencil
But a whole life on that page

There´s sadness, there´s strength
You live and you die
A poet feels content
But then the ink starts to dry

You said that you loved me
Last january
We stood outside covered in snow
I remember feeling happy
All of february
When we went for long walks in the cold
The wind was so harsh
Until we entered march
and the sky slowly changed from white to gold
It was very painful
when you left in April
Off to see the world a new way
and I waited for you
Every second of May
Looking up and down the road all afternoon
and the joy in my heart
When you came in June
Slowly faded with every lie
I barely recognized you in July
You asked for time to adjust
I gave you all of august
It passed in a confused blur
In September I saw you with her
Sorrow took me over
All of October
Losing you while wanting to remember
Having flashbacks all of November
The cold came back, more falling snow
In December I decided to let you go
You said you loved me
Last January
and I´ll never forget it I swear
Now I know love is never forever
A lot can change in  a year

Blood is flowing through my veins
My dress is full of red wine stains
and I am feeling much in pain
Because I lost you

The world is spinning very fast
From the future to the past
I´m wishing the memories would last
Because I lost you

I hear music start to play
Please don't play that song today
It fills me with dismay
Because I lost you

Pieces all over the floors
Both from my heart and from yours
Tried but couldn't find the source
Because I lost you

Now I guess we'll never know
You held on and then let go
Tears are starting to flow
Because I lost you

Make this sadness go away
but it never will after today
You helped me find my way
and now I´ve lost you..

Remember the city we called our own
On the sidewalk next to millions feeling alone
Looking at the world like it was new
Remember the places we always went to
Learning about things we didn´t know
Walking in rain and snow with you

Years they pass so fast once you grow up
We've got time on our hands, but it's never enough
I made so many plans but I wish we could stop, and breathe
You're long gone now, but you used to mean so much to me

Remember the feeling of happiness
On the sidewalk walking away from anything less
Looking at the future like it was clear
Thinking that together we would make it there
But love is not easy, and life is not fair
The wind brushed the sidewalks until they were bare

Years they pass so fast once you grow up
We've got time on our hands, but it's never enough
I made so many plans but I wish we could stop, and breathe
You're long gone now, but you used to mean so much to me

Remember the city we never owned
But we knew each sidewalk and each memorial stone
Treading on the past that we would soon become
Looking at our reflection like we could be someone
Learning about life as we tried to live
Walking in rain and snow with so much to give

Years they pass so fast once you grow up
Our lives will not last, but we have done enough
One of the things we should have learned, was to breathe
You're long gone now, but you still mean so much to me

You are standing in the alley
Smoking a cigarette
You hear my voice but you can´t hear me
I smell the alcohol on your breath
Your arm is reaching for my waist
Your kiss has that bitter aftertaste
Your blurry vision slowly has me erased
I leave you feeling like life is going to waste

I don´t think you changed, I just think I closed my eyes
Holding on to hope as I watched the smoke rise
Just love isn't enough for me anymore
I can't be your freedom and your cure

You are standing in the alley
Smoking a cigarette
You can drown your sorrows, but I can't drown my feelings
You pour alcohol down your throat until it stings
You hear my voice but you can´t hear me say goodbye
You drank all the alcohol money could buy
Your blurry vision slowly has me erased
As I'm walking away from what you chose to embrace

I don´t think you changed, I just think I closed my eyes
and I know it was real cause you regretted all your lies
Just love isn't enough for me anymore
Your cigarette burns out and drops to the floor

I used to be able to tell you everything
I used to be able to be myself
Now I am struggling to let you in
Now I feel like we´re both someone else

This year has been like a rollercoaster ride
So many lows, so many highs
I've tried to put our differences aside
Just so I wouldn't have to say goodbye

You used to laugh at my jokes
You used to come when I needed you the most
I didn't see the fire through the smoke
You didn't notice I was just a ghost

This time I can´t read your mind
It's been ten seconds, but it seems like an age
It's like painting the rainbow colourblind
How did you end up on a different page?

I used to be able to tell you everything
I used to know you loved me more than words
Now I'm struggling to feel a thing
Still missing us really hurts

26. Februar 2018

Do you love me?
Do you love me on one condition?
Or one hundred?
Do you love me unconditionally?
Do you love me at all?

Winter was coming, cold, cold
His coat was full of bullettholes
The sky was transparent like ice
He pulled the trigger with madness in his eyes

The wind was blowing, wild, wild
Every warm body stayed inside
A freezing blizzard had begun
A blizzard of bullets from machine guns

Winter was coming, cold, cold
The house was full of bullettholes
She held his hand as he closed his eyes
Just another bullet, another life

The wind was blowing, wild, wild
The snow covered those who died
They pretended no one died in vain
Pulled the trigger to **** again

Winter was coming, cold, cold
Their hearts were full of bulletsholes
History repeated as no rules applied
Only hatred reached the other side

The wind was blowing, wild, wild
The shots echoing in the air outside
Why cant we ever comprehend
That nothing is solved with the blood of fallen men

He is a fallen soldier
With his uniform torn, and his heart or his sleeve
He looks twenty years older
With is wounds open, ready to bleed

It was not what he thought it would be
Not just justice and bravery
Now he's gone while he's talking to me
His mind keeps returning to imagines he can't unsee

I am sorry, cause I was no comfort
Even when I held you in my arms
Every morning there is so much effort
To wake up, and give the day a chance

It is not easy to save everyone
Though you believed once that you could
Now look at what you have become
Because you were honest and good

He is a fallen soldier
Who woke up while everyone else fell
He is twenty years older
Carrying them all while carrying himself

Please help pray for Paris. I feel so helpless and sad tonight. I wish it wasn´t real.

Paris

Friday night in Budapest
Music echoing in a bar
A man and woman well dressed
Walking towards their car

Friday night in Paris
Sirens echoing in the street
Chaos rapidly embowering bliss
Ground shaking under running feet

Friday night in Oslo
Laughter and good wine
Tall candlesticks standing aglow
Faces losing track of time

Friday night in Paris
Laughter twisting into cries
Searching for those you miss
As black smoke fills the skies

Friday night in Berlin
Together watching a football game
Hoping that your team will win
Cheering with a poster of their name

Friday night in Paris
Blood on the big green field
Lying on the ground alive you wish
That it simply isn't real

Friday night in London
Going out with a friend
Hearing the ringing of big ben
Thinking of how much to spend

Friday night in Paris
Crowds shattered by gunshots and hate
On your knees filled with anguish
You loved, but now it is too late

Friday night in Rome
Midnight walks under the sky
Couples together, walking home
Others turning to say goodbye

Friday night in Paris
Hate took away the morning
No words can fix this
Or dry the tears of the mourning

You promised to keep all your promises
and it's been a long time since you managed that
You promised to keep fighting for this
and it´s been a long since you took the words back

To hear you voice again was like a glimpse into the past
There's nothing here now that reminds me of you
and I think it´s alright now that we didn´t last
but I still don't like the thought of someone new

You talked about everything you had on your mind
Like you did when I loved you a lifetime ago
So familiar, so safe, yet so different this time
I´ve become a person that you no longer know

and I guess you stopped trying to spare my feelings
After all you let go, our lines no longer cross
I don´t want you anymore but it still stings
When you reach out like this so I remember the loss

There are are things now that I cannot say
It doesn't matter cause in the silence all of us hears
It was so strange to hear your voice today
To think I slept beside you for two years

I´m happy you called, that you haven´t forgotten
But the conversation still made me sad
I can hear in your voice that you're happy again
and she makes it less special the things that we had

You promised to keep all your promises
and it´s been a long time since you managed to
Maybe you shouldn´t promise her so you don´t go amiss
and I´ll try to be happy for you

Why is your heart so restless?
It beats hard beneath my fingers
Is this for the best?
In the air your question lingers
I should say yes
But I do not know
The words won´t leave my lips
While your heart keeps beating on
Underneath my fingertips

You look me in the eyes
and say you wish
It didn´t have to be like this
I reply with a kiss
We never were good at goodbyes
We move apart with care
I can hear your heart from over here
We are no good
Not together or apart
Hopelessness in the air
of love so misunderstood
The beating of your heart
Echoes were you stood

Talk to me about history
The lawless and the just
Years that remained a mystery
Exposed by hate, power and lust

Show me all the written stories
Those full of dust, yet still true
The words of generations
That withered as they grew

I found them as I found myself
In pages much older than I
They put time upon a shelf
and left the wisdom there to die

Talk to me about history
The rise and fall of man
Life remains a mystery
That we still struggle to understand

Hold on to yourself
Nothing is as it seems
You simply can´t tell
What goes on behind the scenes

Hold on to someone
Who doesn't bring you down
and alone in front of everyone
Looking like a clown

I can't say I understand
No one really does
Let´s live in a dreamland
And break all the laws

Hold on to yourself
Don´t feel pressured to transform
You can't always tell
When your whole soul is gone

2. November 2017

I feel like I need you
Even if I got my way
I wanted to believe you
But I don't trust anything you say

I feel like I wrecked you
Even if you still can fly
My love couldn't protect you
From other birds in the sky

I feel like I long for you
Even if I wanted you gone
How can I still belong to you
Now that I know what you have done

I feel like I lost you
Even if I just loved the mask you wore
Is it because of you
That I don't feel valuable anymore

I feel like you jailed me
Even now that I'm finally free
My vision failed me
Because I didn't want to see

Why do you always do this?
Pull out last minute
Say your heart wasn't in it
How do we get through this?
When you won't walk beside me
When your eyes can´t find me

Tell me what to do because it's out of control
You go from a hurricane to nothing at all
If I overstepped then please let me know
And I´ll leave
If you want me to go

Why do you always make jokes?
When I´m bearing my soul
Like it's your limelight I stole
Why do you see fire when there´s no smoke?
Will you help me put it out?
Or will you keep running out?

Tell me what to do because I'm losing my mind
You tell me that you love me, but regret it each time
If I crossed the line, then please let me know
And I´ll leave
If you want me to go

I'm sorry you died last night
I´m sorry your family got the call
I'm sorry they stole your life
For no reason at all

I know you wanted to grow old
See every exotic place
They hit us hard and cold
We all thought that you were safe

There is a stream of candlelight
On the ground where you fell down
There is blue, red and white
For you all over town

Everyone's talking about you
You didn't know all of them
People walked down the avenue
Singing the national anthem

You were just here
Nothing of this makes sense
They´ve captured each tear
With a big camera lense

The headlines are bold
Everyone wants to know
If it's true what they're told
If hatred can reach this low

Soon your name will be known
And they'll put flowers down
Stand by the memorial stone
One year from now

You didn't deserve this
The bullets from these men
Now they´ll always miss
Since you are in heaven

Only days have past
It seems like a nightmare
We just lost you so fast
All we have now is prayer

The nation's plan how to react
They don't really know what to do
There´s nothing but hatred behind the attack
and nothing will bring back you

Minutes of silence, a red rose
For you and those left behind
New stories about heroes
That in times of terror were kind

How we will recover from this
No one can envision yet
But we will take back Paris
and we´ll never forget

I'm so sorry you died last night
I hope you see us here below
Our flowers and candles won´t make it alright
But I just thought that you should know

Iron and steel hugging the sky
Footsteps on the sidewalk all faded black
The train and cars are rushing by
With faces that are never coming back

The lights never die, the frost takes hold
Sitting on the corner of the block
Clutching my paper cup in the cold
The people always pass, but they never stop

Iron and steel hugging the sky
The rays of sun are so far above
Watching the pigeons as they try to fly
Sitting on the pavement waiting for love

The lights never die, I breathe in the air
Shadows of hope grants me some bread
They wonder how much longer I'll be sitting here
and I´m thinking maybe until I'm dead

Iron and steel hugging the sky
I'm just dealing with the hand I was dealt
Been long since I stopped asking myself why
Now I just worry about when the snow will melt

The lights never die, another coin in my cup
I smile as she disappears into the crowd
Thank you my dear, but it´s never enough
The shouts from the penniless are always too loud

It was my dream but
It wasn't mine to take
So I didn't know what
To do but stay awake
Waiting for it to go away

but it didn´t
it didn´t

If I closed my eyes I
Would draw up your shape
Holding on to hope that
Only a dream can make
Waiting for the trance to break

but it didn´t
it didn´t

I am falling asleep
I´m dreaming about you
You were never mine to keep
You always knew

But I didn´t
I didn´t

So don't let night set
Don't sing me a lullaby
Don't make me forget
That we said goodbye

Cause I didn´t
I didn´t

It´s alright to cry when you are haunted
Of days that you have yet to live
In a room feeling restless and unwanted
Not knowing how much more you can give

It´s alright to cry when you are heartbroken
I can barely keep my thoughts at bay
Can you please stop asking me how I´m coping?
So I can keep my smile in place throughout the day

It´s alright to cry when you are lonely
You pretend to love the faces in the crowd
You should walk over and say «please get to know me»
But for that kind of weakness you're too proud

It´s alright to cry when life fills you with sadness
And no one has the answers you want to hear
But there is a method to the madness
Just don´t give in to your fear

It´s alright to cry when you are haunted
By love and hate and life and loss
In the end you don´t remember where the road led
But the truth is, no one really does

3/5. November 2017

I used to love the night
The silence it brought
Now that silence has been filled by my thoughts
Thoughts of happiness, thoughts of dread
So I can´t fade into dreams in my own bed

I used to love the night
The dark glimmering sky
Now I envy the people who it passes by
Resting their eyes in a peace so deep
If only my mind would allow me to sleep

I used to love the night
I would hold up dawn
Now I lay awake when the curtains are drawn
Trying to forget the worries that burdens the day
Trying to scare the monsters away

I used to love the night
The silence it brought
Now that silence has been filled by my thoughts
Every lost love, every hope, every mistake
I told the night all my secrets while I laid there awake

You long for the sun, but you still dance in the rain
You boarded a bus headed for Maine
It´s been twenty years but you still look the same
Lonely, lost, long gone

You listen to strangers with the window rolled down
Then head for a hotel at the wrong side of town
Your eyes are empty, where's your mind at now?
Lonely, lost, long gone

You crash and burn, before you cry in the shower
You twist and turn, but still wake up every hour
I saw you walk along the highway picking wildflowers
Lonely, lost, long gone

You sang on the street corner, but didn´t earn a penny
I´d give one for your thoughts, but there are so many
I still care about you, but I know we would only be
Lonely, lost, long gone

20. april 2017

Tell me what you see
When you look into my eyes
Do you see who I could be?
Or do you realize
It´s difficult to dream
And make it come to life
Tell me what you see
When you look into my eyes

Tell me what you say
When you listen to the wind
For a moment everything's okay
But there's a terrible storm within
Do you sometimes try
To hold it in your hands
But it's like watching the ocean dry
or keeping the waves upon the sand

Tell me what you feel
When you search your fractured soul
Each memory so real
And impossible to control
Do you follow them
Trying to win the race
Then relive your life again
And see they fall like pieces into place

Tell me what you see
When you look into my eyes
Do you see who you could be?
Or just someone you despise?
Blue can be beautiful
And the young can be wise
The eyes are the window to the soul
And so this poem came to life

5. Desember 2017

Loss is like a river
You stand in it always
And feel it against your skin
Warm, cold and invisible
Rising and falling
But you can never hold it in your hands

There are millions of bars in this city
and I found you in one of them
Sitting next to a girl who was pretty
Drinking beer, trying to feel alive again

There are millions of broken hearts in this city
I found a piece of yours left on the stool
You walked out into the street all empty
In the shadows of people that´d never know you

There are millions of cried tears in this city
and I found some in your brown eyes
A mix of loneliness and self pity
Marking every sidewalk before sunrise

There are millions of lost souls in this city
and I found you for a little while
Back then I was naivé and pretty
For a minute we made each other smile

There are millions of bars in this city
and I found you in one of them
Sitting next to a girl who was pretty
Drinking beer, trying to feel alive again

It's so strange to be growing older
Somehow I thought I'd never see this day
I will miss things the way they were
Now that everyone's moving away

You left to escape, to grow, to learn
We won't be the same people when we return
Phone Calls and postcards from far away
About weather and work and not what you wanted to say

It's so strange to feel that distance
Our old  forgotten moments are following me around
When I finally move on I guess I´ll miss them
They are proof of something I don´t have now

I left to be free, to dream, to thrive
To find the meaning in being alive
Never answered your postcards, never picked up the phone
To become someone else than the girl you left all alone

It's so strange to see the world changing
More and more for every passing hour
You cared, but I could never become your everything
So I had the heartache, and you had all the power

You left to run, to fly, to be understood
You said she got you better than I could
But history like ours rarely dies
You never meant it when you said goodbye

It's so strange to be growing older
At least it is easier to forgive and forget
But I still think about us when I see you with her
You moved back into the street where we first met

I left to thrive, to grow old, to grow up
Now I guess friendship has to be enough
It hurt but deep down I'm glad you came back to stay
Now that everyone's moving away

Never say hi
Never say hallo
Don´t you remember
Don´t you know
That we threw stones
and built a wall
So thick I can't hear you anymore

Never say hi
Never say hallo
Watch how much despair can grow
It´s covering the wall that we made
I never forgave
That I must confess
But now our world is soundless

Never say hi
Never say hallo
I won't say it back
I heard my heart break
After you said goodbye
and I heard nothing after that

I thought I lost you the other day
I dreamt I was standing by your grave
But you were only a few blocks away
But I lost you nevertheless

I thought I saw you the other day
But it was a stranger wearing your coat
The one I gave you on your birthday in May
But I lost you nevertheless

I thought I called you the other day
But I couldn't go through with it
Even if I missed you I know you´d say
I lost you nevertheless

I thought I got over you the other day
Got this feeling of relief in my chest
But even with the heartache at bay
I lost you nevertheless

I thought I lost you the other day
and you were saying it was for the best
But you were only a few blocks away
But I lost you nevertheless

You held my hand, you explained
and I felt nothing
You told me we were whole again
and I felt nothing

That day I walked home feeling broken
Now your back like no hurt was ever spoken
and I feel nothing
When you left I couldn't bear to let it sink in
You gave up all that the two of us had been
and I felt nothing

You held my hand so I would stay
and I felt nothing
I´ve been waiting forever for this day
and I feel nothing

Now I know what it feels like to be left behind
Now I'm the one clinging to a moment lost in time
Now I'm the one mourning what´s no longer mine
Now I know what if feels like

Now I know what it feels like to be left in the dark
Now I'm the one trying to put together my betrayed heart
Now I'm the one waiting for my life to start
Now I know what it feels like

Now I know what it feels like to be despised
Now I'm the one struggling to redeem my pride
Now I'm the one declared a fool to think you were on my side
Now I know what it feels like

Now I know what it feels like to be left behind
Now I'm the one who didn´t see their hatred when I was kind
Now I'm the one who lost their dreams and changed my mind
Because now I know what it feels like

You got what you asked for
You and I don´t talk anymore
I graced you with my abscence
While they laughed at my expense

I don't know why love ends
I can't answer their questions
I'm waiting for this hurt to ease
I just want my feelings in peace

Time goes by, rumours fly
Soon we'll be old news
You catch my eye, you pass me by
It was nice to know you

You got what you asked for
You fell in love and you found a cure
You were never the same again
You still owe me compassion

I don't want to know what they say
Nothing like gossip to fill a rainy day
You always liked your friends cold
I bet you say it´s all my fault

Time goes by, rumours fly
Soon we'll be old news
You catch my eye, you pass me by
It was nice to know you

You told me to flee as you shot at the enemy
The bullets echoed in your mind
My eyes were wide but only you could see
Fresh blood that had already faded in time

You knew well who the wicked were
So you never took your medicine
There was no need for a doctor
Only some bruises and cuts on your skin

Screaming in a voice that wasn't yous
Running over no man's land
Your screams echo within suburban walls
You don't trust my outstretched hand

A summer's day in our peaceful town
Your face bear´s the lines of blazing heat
You hear an explosion, you pull me down
As a truck slowly passes down the street

You still have the same touch when you hold me
Muttering what those hands have done
Pictures and flashes take over reality
Until there´s just sand, dust, loss and your gun

You are one of the lucky ones
But you didn´t come back the same
Sweating years and guilt until morning comes
Hearing your friends calling out your name

The fear of losing you is gone now
These days I carry fear of a different kind
That I´ll come towards you and somehow
You'll see my face and won't know it's mine

Inside you there is a wild storm
Were anguish and sadness grow
Suddenly you're back in your uniform
Surrounded by young faces you'll never know

I love you, no matter who you are
Forgive me for not removing your pain
When you enter a tank, I enter a car
Without warning your ghosts are back again

You're walking on the soil you fought for
Hearing people's voices condemn
In your mind you're still at war
Even if you did it all for them

You know it's been raining, it´s been raining for ages
We have been stuck here while the world has been going places
You know we've been failing, we've been failing a century
We have been stuck here while the world has been free

We talked about it away from the storm
Away from the raindrops so we could keep each other warm
You´ve been wanting to leave, but now you won´t go
Don't ask me to stay now that I can only say no

For hours into the night I listened to your voice
In the peace and silence we felt like there was a choice
You´ve been wanting something more, I hear it in your tone
Don't ask me for it when it's something I do not own

You know it's been raining, it´s been raining for ages
We have been stuck here to dry tears of our faces
I will walk with you outside and down the road until its end
Soaked to the skin under the open sky, I don't think I´ll be warm again

I waited for rocks to fall
I waited for sorrow to pour
Down on us like it could end the drought
Picked up a rock real slow
Waited for another blow
Until the world would blackout

I waited for the rocks to sting
Like I knew this day was coming
Chasing us because we were elated
Picked up the words I had spilled
The next moment silence filled
We both hung our heads and waited

I waited for rocks to fall
I waited for sorrow to pour
Down on us like it could fill the gaps
Every bleeding painful cleft
Until I had no love for you left
Until this moment would elapse

I waited for sound to breakthrough
I looked at all the rocks we threw
Chasing away each other in fear
All the gray rocks and gravel
As a symbol of our lost battle
The only trace that you were here

You jumped into the water under the bridge
People watched you fall through the air
I've been haunted by the image
Because I was also there
Holding on the the railing until my knuckles turned white
Screaming your name into the night

You jumped into the water under the bridge
No one understood why
I've been haunted by the image
I've been haunted by you and I
Wasn't what we had enough to make it through
You had nothing to live for, while I was living for you

You jumped into the water under the bridge
The highest one in our town
I've been haunted by the image
Replaying over and over your body falling down
I wish I could have grabbed your hand and held you back
I lost you to the water, cold and black

You jumped into the water under the bridge
One decision can change a life
I've been haunted by the image
Your decision took you up into the skies
I walked past that place today and wished you were here
but you jumped into the water under the bridge
and I watched you fall through the air

The bus rolled over gray highway
As rain fell from the gray sky
I remembered that it was wednesday
as I watched lights pass by

Strangers sitting in silence
Going home this gray afternoon
Blank faces masked by pretence
Listening to the bus´es familiar tune

An old lady staring straight ahead
A proud and polished display
Was in mourning because her husband was dead
and her children had all moved away

A young man by the door
Reading a paper calm and at ease
Felt like he wasn't loved anymore
and could not find meaning or peace

A young lady with a child on her lap
Was smiling down at his innocent face
She was running from her violent chap
To start over in a safer place

Behind me two young boys sat
Whispering rumors untrue
They didn't have a bed or a flat
and were afraid someone at school knew

The busdriver made another turn
Thinking about his spouse
Depths were higher than the money he earned
and he feared they'd lose their house

A man in a suit that was new and attractive
With a briefcase by his side
Had just found out he didn't have long to live
and preparing to say goodbye

Some strangers left on the next stop
and new worn souls sat down
We passed the bank and the grocery shop
and soon we were in my part of town

The bus rolled over gray highway
As rain fell from the gray sky
I remembered that it was wednesday
as I watched people pass by

After our conversation
I was left unsettled, like the pages of my life and been torn out
I left the celebration
As the sky lit up like gold, walking home my usual route

I know the party lasted until late afternoon
and when you are drunk you don't notice much
Empty bottles among colourful, frail balloons
and my glass of wine in the corner untouched

After our conversation
I was left uneasy, like I'd been walking in circles on a straight road
I left the celebration
As the sun woke the city, walking home to the music's echo

I know the party lasted until late afternoon
and when you are drunk you talk too much
Empty words strung in a truthful, painful tune
and my glass of wine in the corner untouched

After our conversation
I was left confused, like I'd forgotten every face and every day
I left the celebration
With a heart that was bruised, and I could hear the sirens not too far away

We need to talk about today
she said, standing in the doorway
Staring straight ahead
and I sat on my chair with the heaviest heart
None of us knew where to start

There was a sunrise like no other I'm told
We stayed inside away from the cold
Coffee and words and wrinkled sheets
Until she sat up with tears on her cheek
and the sun got too hard to uphold

It got cloudy fast as secrets were strewn
and we fought silence and sound all afternoon
Wishes and hopes and broken oaths
All gone so we were barely able to stay afloat
we had lost the sun and waited for the moon

We need to talk about today
I said, standing in the room unsure
Staring straight at her
and she came towards me with the heaviest heart
None of us knew where to start

I saw him the day before he died
With his cane and ragged jacket
In a trance of memories a soul hides
Moments he has yet to forget

Wrinkled hands shaking mine
Touched by years of work and strain
Made old by passing time
But his youth´s eyes still remain

Tales from time and places
I´ll always be too young to understand
Tales of known and long gone faces
Living on in the heart of an old man

I walk a stride behind him in his footprints
Even his steps so much greater than I
I answer his questions, revealing glimts
Of a world that has passed him by

He tells me of lost regret buried in the past
and love that left the earth and him behind
A love that lasted so long, but was gone so fast
Love he still sees even now that he is blind

In his voice there is no sign of fear
Despite his weak body, his faith is ever strong
His smile is still real, his conscience clear
Despite believing he won't be missed for long

I saw him the day before he died
How death has undone so many
I stood alone on his lifelong street teary eyed
The loss of him took my words, so today I don't have any

You're not a man of many words
But I heard your tears through these paper thin walls
I could have asked you where you were
I could have called your name, but you don't answer anymore

I embrace the loneliness for warmth
This cold winter has been so long
Maybe the cold has frozen my heartstrings
I could have called your name, but I can´t feel anything

You´re not a man of many words
But I felt your love through my heart´s paper thin walls
You have been stumbling backwards
I could have called your name, but It'd just echo in the halls

I embrace the rejection for warmth
This cold winter has been so long
I thought you were the only one who wouldn't let me go
I could have called your name, but the sound melts away in the snow

I'm too old now to die young
But not old enough to get rid of my self doubt
I have many years on my record
But if I got arrested, would you still bail me out?

I'm too old now to die young
Too young to have these tragic thoughts
I have many years on my record
But I'm getting tired of walking around with a heavy heart

I'm too old now to die young
But not old enough to think that every tear's been shed
I have many years on my record
I wish I didn't feel like all those years were wasted

I'm too old now to die young
But not old enough to get rid of my self doubt
I have many years on my record
But if I got arrested, would you still bail me out?

You were always someone I could trust
The missing pieces didn't matter much
After everything you put me through
I almost forgot who I was before I met you

Your lies were sweet like summer flowers
and I would listen to them for hours
My gut told me I was wrong
But if I left I didn't leave for long

I told myself that I needed your heart
Even if it kept me in the dark
Better than being alone I thought
But maybe not.. maybe not

You misused the trust I had given
and walked around like you had been forgiven
You were selfish and I was selfless
I deserve better than this

I realized who you made me
and I don't want to be that person anymore
So I´m giving back everything you gave me
I´m leaving your ghost on the floor

Your tears ran down like summer rain
This time my warm embrace never came
You were never were someone I could trust
Those missing pieces separated us

I blame you for my unhappiness
And you blame me for everything else
I´ve been living with a hole in my chest
and a head ringing with all the warning bells

Once you let go everyone thinks you didn´t try
They call me a monster for breaking up a home
But calling that house a home would have been a lie
I tried to wait until the children were grown

I once knew what it felt like to love you
Or we wouldn't be in this situation now
If those moments are possible to get back to
Would you please show me how

The foundation is wrecked and I´m on bare ground
People I trusted turned their backs on me
On different sides, but I miss having you to hold around
It hurts to be with you and it hurts to be free

I have been carrying this around for so long
You act like I'm someone you've never known
So desperately I´ve told myself I was wrong
But we have been so lonely even when we're not alone

I blame you for my unhappiness
And you blame me for letting go
I told the children this was for the best
Even if right now it's too early to know