I thought I was over you.

I've been through all the stages.

And yet here you are, still in my mind.

Another process.

Of accepting that I'll never get over you.

Your hands on my body, that I tried to push away..

Your lips on my skin, where I didn't want them..

My back against the wall, where I couldn't break free..

My hands trying to get you off me, when you wanted my clothes off..

My pleads of No, meant nothing.

My body shaking, wishing that I didn't exist..

Your weight on me, another suffocation..

The words no longer could leave my lips, my body wasn't mine anymore..

The running, crying in panic with no shoes is the last I remember..

I remember it like it was yesterday, wait..

it was.

I thought you were my friend..

It all starts today. I'm now 27.
It's my new beginning, my new year.

The person who hurt me the most doesn't know the 27 year old me.
The person who ***** me doesn't know this version of me either.

It's like I've been cleansed. I can start again.
Better things are ahead.
I feel it in my bones.
I'm stronger than ever and
I have a new person in my life.

Life at 27 will be mine, and only mine.
I'm washing away the sadness from the past,
taking a deep breath and feel new life inside me.
I can't wait to explore the new me.

A year I never thought I'd survive has passed.

I leave behind heartache, anxiety, loneliness and bad energy.

It's all washed off.

Now I look forward to fulfilling dreams, self-love and laughter.

Last year was about surviving.

This year is about living.

Today I celebrate me.

How alive I feel.
There's only me.

Me,
watching the stars as the moonlight guides my way.
Everything is quiet, all I hear are my own footsteps.

I feel free,
no one knows where I am or where I'm going.
In the daylight I'm lost, but at night I'm home.

I'm absorbed by the dark,
but I know where to go,
I know who I am.

This is where I belong.
How alive I feel when I'm alone in the world.

You saw me.

I felt so exposed in your eyes.

You laughed, I saw that cute dimple and I felt myself falling.

Deeper and deeper with every heartbeat.

Rain was pouring as we ran, drunk and happy after a night out.

We layed close, so close.

Time passed, and yet it didn't.

It was just us, falling in and out of sleep in each others arms.

I looked into your blue eyes and I knew.

This is it, this is what I want.

I want you.

Looking back, I miss it.
Life before you.

When not every song was about you.
The days I still believed in foolish love.

The times I thought I knew loneliness,
I thought I knew heartache.

I knew nothing before you...

I've wasted years, trying to numb the pain.

But in the end the same truth hits me.

I'll never feel that type of love again.

And honestly, I don't want to.

You took and I gave, oh I gave too much.

Loving you killed me.

With my archangel by my side I'm fulfilling my dreams.

She's whispering me towards the right direction.

I feel empowered next to her.

We have a lion's strength and courage.

I know I'll be exactly where I need to be.

I don't doubt her power for a second.

Are you there?

Do you feel better off without me?
If you could see me you'd know I'm not..

I wonder if maybe you miss me but your pride is stopping you?
If that's the case I forgive you.

I want you here with me..

I miss your lips on mine, I miss your smell.
Your contagious laugh.

Please call me to say it was just a nightmare,
can you do that for me?

Please, please baby.

Stay where you are.

I haven't seen her this happy in a long time.

Your mother to be.

She's been fighting for months and months.

Watching that stick for minutes that don't seem to end.

Crying her eyes out when that strip doesn't appear.

I''ve seen pieces of her die as she's lost others before you.

So I beg you baby.

Stay.

Don't lose a mother like her, no one could love you more.

I beg you, fight.

And stay.

I am changing.
I'm not greatful nor have I gained wisdom from what happened to me.
But I am tougher, my barrier is stronger.
I know who I am, and I'm no longer afraid.
No more ******* and lies.
I see through it all.
So take your best shot, I dare you.

Death's arms trying to pull me in,
A sweet whisper of a better life.

An encouraging push,
come join us.

Oh, how I long to.
On the verge of leaving it all behind.

Do I dare to let go?

Oh god how I wish it was you.

But my heart hurts, it's so tired.

Too stubborn to realize it's time to let it go.

To realize it was all lies and manipulation.

Too blind to accept that it was mind games.

The pain of the truth is too much.

So I still choose to live in a lie

I've been shot by a hundred bullets.
I've been kicked to the ground.
Left to bleed out.

But I've been in training.

I can hear your bullets from miles away.
Kick me and I'll kick harder.
Try to knock me down and I'll knock you out.

There's nothing left to bleed.

Along with the spring sun the memories of my long lost love arises.

The memory fragments are getting pieced back together.

I see him in strangers on the street,
looking for him though I know he's not here..

I know it's stupid, the person I miss no longer exists.

The harsh reality turned my dreams into nightmares.

His lies and deceptions are now haunting me in my sleep.

There's no place left for him and I to be.

Waking up, memories fresh, aching heart.

Lips longing for the bottle, like so many nights before.

Anything to drown the hope of something that'll never be.

And the pain of a time that was..

I wanted you to be like me.

You wanted me to be you.

It worked for awhile.

But we found our way back..

To the ones we actually are.

That's when it crashed.

Our worlds collided.

It didn't match.

We grew apart again.

But for a brief moment, we were something.

We were glorious.

He sleeps so peacefully.

With my head on his chest I listen  to his heart beat.

My fingers running through his soft hair.

He seems so innocent and vulnerable.

I get so overwhelmed by emotions I can barely breathe.

This is what falling hard feels like.

The summer air still smells like you.
Gentle breezes touch my skin with memories of you.

Empty passenger seat,
I wonder how you are.

Your old workplace.
Red light.

Like clockwork you appear..

In the peryphery I see you laughing with a cigarette in your hand.
I hear the voice I used to love, and I smile.

You're the same, yet different.
Thinner than I remember, more handsome than I wished to..

Light turns green.

Nostalgic with an aching heart, I have to leave you behind.

Shadows from the sun cast reflections of us.

Open wide road.

Through an open window I breathe our memories.

I whisper to the gentle breeze, hoping you'll hear it.

"Dias de luta, dias de gloria."

I hear your voice from the corridor.

Your laughter triggers my grief, I get so weak.

The voice that once gave me butterflies now feels like a dagger in my chest.

I can no longer hide, time's up.

I have to face you.

I wasn't strong enough to look down and our eyes met.

I felt the space, the universe even, between us.

A cracked glass wall I can't punch through no matter how hard I'd try.

While facing reality the ground beneath me gets blurry.

I'll never get away from you.

The walls I have to build to survive having you around won't be crushable.

Loving you will be my loneliest downfall.

I've tried to drink you away.

It only made me miss you more..

I've tried to smoke you away.

It only made my lungs burn along with my heart.

No drugs can make me forget you.

The hope for the day you'd change your mind is fading..

Days of silence go by.

You will never be mine, will you?

The burning feeling in my stomach calms me.

I don't even mind.

You have been my friend for years.

Feeling myself starving makes me feel alive.

The crawling under my skin. Too familliar.

I'm in control of my destiny, or am I?

My body is disappering and I don't care.

Do I live or die? It's up to me.

My old friend. I haven't seen you in awhile.

All the years we've spent together, makes me feel close to you once again.

Do we go down together this time?

I don't care as long as you're with me.

You're the only one who never leaves.

With you by my side I'd do anything.

Even destroying myself in the process.

Where you wishing and hoping I was gonna show up?

Are you now disappointed when the door's closed and I'm not there?

Does the gym feel cold and boring?

Like it does for me when you're not there?

Does my absence affect you at all?

Will you text me? To check up on me?

To show me that I mean something to you too..?

Are you?

Everytime my phone light up I hope that it's you.

You, showing me that my presence makes you happier.

Please buzz..

It's 6 AM. I'm a wanderer.

Walking around my empty city.

Overwriting my patterns of memories.

The past is haunting me where I go.

Erasing my old tracks with new ones.

Year after year, with new memories connected to my feet.

You. Stable, like a tree.

Me. Chaos, all over the place.

Can I set my roots with you?

Can you handle my turmoil?

Can I be the hurricane to your tree?

Will you still stand tall?

Or will you fall,
like I did?

One lie can change a hundred truths,
and that lie leads to a hundred more.

A kingdom built with what appeared to be solid rocks, turned out to be just sand.

All blown away when the storm hit.

The storm you created, as an excuse to leave.

Sand running through my fingers, mixed with all the lies.

I'm staring at the big pile of sand that used to be our life.

I dug for weeks, for truth and reasons.

The truth hit harder than the lies.

With time I stopped digging, there's no point.

I already had the truth.

I said my farewells to you in that pile of toxic sand and I left.

To follow a new path, my path.

The one no one's ever walked before me.

I follow my truth on my unknown journey,
I know it'll lead me to my destiny.

I keep walking, to a bright future.

For me.

Game over.

A few months ago,
he said that even though we're over we'll always belong together.

That it'd never be over between us..

I felt comfort in that sadness somehow.

Knowing that he'd always be there.

Hoping that one day we'd find our way back.
Cause it was meant to be, right?

But I could feel it in my whole body last time.

I won't hear from him again.

He let me go..

The memory of his smile is fading, I can't remember his voice anymore.

I never thought it would end like this.

Someone I used to stay up all night laughing with. Gone.

He gave up on me so many times but this time it was final.

I mean nothing. And yet he means everything.

This heartache is slowly killing me.

I can't do it anymore, I want to give up.

All I can think about is you with her, are you with her?
That beautiful girl you've found..

Do you kiss her the way you kissed me?
Like the world was about to end..

Is she kissing your neck, inhaling your smell?
Just like I did..

Are you touching her the way you touched me?
Like your hands would catch fire if you didn't..

Do you have that spark in your eyes once again?
The one that made me fall for you so hard..

Are you promising her the future?
Like you did with me..

Are you building a kingdom?
The one we were supposed to..

I heard your voice, and i heard home.

We speak the same language, a language no one else would understand.

Raised on the same streets, in different cities.

We just look at each other and smile.

In our chaotic world we've found peace.

Knowing we are home.

We were in our own world yet surrounded by others laughing and talking at the pub.

But they weren't there. We could only see each other.

His deadly combination of green eyes and a playful smile started something in me.

Laughing in each others arms led to that first kiss we both had been longing for.

It was magic and chemistry, it was butterflies and freedom.

Even now, a hundred kisses later it isn't enough.

It'll never be enough.

It feels like I've found the missing piece in my life.

Like the one I've been searching for is found.

In his shirt that smells like him I watch the sky.

I daydream about how this love story will play out.

Knowing that he's falling too, I'm sure it will be beautiful.

Blinded by disease I lost sight of you.

Your words spoken by the voice of my demon.

I felt your love, though the intentions got twisted.

Your touch, familiar yet foreign.

I'm losing it again, reality.

My mind, a place of dark whispers.

Anxiety
The sound of lighting a cigarette
Inhale, a feeling of relief
Exhale, the thoughts of you.

Up on the hill we were watching the city beneath  us.

A city in constant movement, completely unaware of our existence.

We felt like the world was ours to take.

Oh, the plans we made for the city of lights..

That night we promised each other forever.

Wearing your way too big hoodie I gently kissed your forehead.

Hoping the night would never end.

For once the sky was clear, I saw a shooting star and made a wish.

That our forever was real.

With you laying in my arms watching the stars,
talking about how we waved at ourselves from a parallell universe I thought it was.

But sometimes love isn't enough.

His texts are shorter.

The replies are few.

Clinical.

I'm now waiting restlessly.

That's new..

The distance feels longer than ever.

No sign of him.

As the minutes pass by my heart sinks.

Is there someone else?

Dimples, creations of joy and laugher.

My wrinkles tell stories of childish fun and games.

A forced smile, a see-through facade.

My cold eyes tell a different story.

Repaint my colours, I beg you.

I was like a rainbow of fresh paint.

Still wet from the brush.

Dancing on rainbow colours.

It's so much darker now.

The paint has dried.

I am afraid.

My inner demons are taking control like never before.

I feel how the darkness makes me rot from inside.

The stench from my walking corpse.

I am so afraid.

I feel how they're winning the last battle.

The person I was is dying, beyond saving.

There's no turning back, I'm a living dead.

Stuck on a train heading for destruction.

I missed all the stops, I can't get off.

My feet won't move.

The crash is closing in.

I accept my fate, my endi..

Walking away from you on this never ending crosswalk.

You're so far away from me now but I can feel your eyes burning,
watching me as I go.

I'm trying with all my might not to look back,
afraid I'd run back into your poisoning arms.

I keep walking,
with a heavy chest.

Knowing this is it.

With the sun on my face the shadows fall behind me.

And that's where you belong,
in the shadows of the past.

I'm a walking disaster.

Every now and then I find something great,
but as soon as I come close it turns into darkness.
It's my curse.

Always searching for the light.
But I can only watch it from afar.
Everytime I try to get close my darkness is killing the light.
I want to be there, in the middle of the light, but I can't.
So I stay far away, watching, dreaming, of another life.
Where I can be the light.

An emotionally orphan.

Thrown away like garbage.

Like our blood ties are cut off.

By the scissors of regret.

The journey to freedom has been so long.

I thank the figher in me for digging me out of the hole that tried to swollow me.

To be honest I thought I'd be dead by summer.

But here I am.

Standing tall, still covered in mud.

Letting go of my love is horrifying.

The pain is so deeply rooted.

But it's time to break free.

I choose to jump of that cliff of sorrow, not knowing what's down there.

Picking my words carefully on the field of eggshells.

Knowing that if I told you the truth you'd leave.

Like so many times before..

My struggles are seperating us.

Leaving me walking on the ground cracking with every step.

A faked laugh is worth your smile.

A proud hug that I cannot live up to.

With a heavy heart I know I've failed you..

I've searched so long, for that phenomenon called Happiness.

So busy looking I didn't realize it was right under my nose.

Happiness is buying a stuffed dinosaur for your best friend's newborn.

It is getting to smell the scent of your favourite lip balm you thought you'd lost.

Happiness is knowing that you'll soon get a tight hug from the person you love.

Happiness is knowing that tonight you get to cuddle in your pajama after a hard workout.

Happiness is getting a text that makes you laugh so hard you cry.

Even burning your dinner so you have to start again.
Because you know you have more, that is happiness.

Happiness is singing and dancing along to corny songs thinking about the person who makes your heart flutter.

It's all about the little things, the things that make you tick.

That is the definition of happiness.

It took me so long to open my eyes, to see real happiness.

I'm glad I finally did.

With time the distance grew.

Prepared myself for weeks.

Like ripping of a band-aid, it had to be done.

Every breath, every hit on that button felt like a stab to my heart.

I heard your laugh, saw your smile in my head for one last time.

I close my eyes and remember.

I need you to be gone.

Fully and completely.

Keeping you means losing me.

For the last time..

..Delete.

Seatbelt on.

The world is in front of me.

With the windows down I feel the brief summer air.

The roads are clear.

I turn up my favourite song and I sing.

I sing it until my throat gets sore.

Road and sunset, that's all I see.

I love every minute of it.

So free.

Along with the sun I drive, destination unknown.

Just to be, just to feel the life in me.

If this isn't freedom, what is?

When I look into his eyes I see the eyes of the devil staring back at me.

But they're not his.
Just a reflection of the past.

I went from dirt to a queen.

Can I be a queen covered in mud?

Beach dress soaked from the rain.

Jumping in puddles with flip-flops while we run to the highest peak.

The high waves, the horizon and the brazilian rain.

I felt like one with the world.

The heavy rain cleansed my body from the salty ocean water.

I wish I could stand there forever,
to just watch the powerful nature work it's magic.

So soaked it felt like my whole body was made of water,
I started to shiver from the cold.

We kept running along the filthy streets.

Splashing ***** water at each other like children.

Lips blue from the cold,
yet I felt a strong fire burning inside me,
more intense than I've ever felt.

All I could think about was how beautiful life is,
it's all about moments like these.

So full of life I knew I'd always treasure the memories from this day.

My bed feels empty, but I don't want you in it.
The sheets smell clean, your scent is gone.

Our food is tasteless, but you couldn't change that.

You can't change anything anymore.

I'm desperate to hear your voice in our song,
but no familiar voice sings back to me.

The apartment's filled with echoes of you.

The echoes are killing me, you're gone..
..yet this is what I wished for..

..So why do I feel like you're missing?

Soft songs playing from inside and I think about him.

How safe I feel in his strong arms.

How his hands feel playing with my hair.

I think about that night, up high on a climbing frame.

Like in a movie he went to the other side, just to hold me and protect me.

I noticed then and there that the way he looks at me feels like home.

I wonder how we've missed each other before.

Our paths have crossed but we didn't notice each other.

Maybe I wasn't ready for someone like him?

Someone who doesn't feel like butterflies and chaos,
someone who feels like a loving home.

Am I as good as her?

Or will I never beat her?

How much do I matter?

I can't help myself..

When he looks at me does he think of her?

Wishing she was the one in his arms?

It's a dangerous game I'm playing.

Comparing myself to someone in his story.