His eyes wander.
They don't meet mine.

Tension from a fight.

The air is drowning me.
My legs are too weak to run.

Is this the end of us? I thought.
Can we ever survive this?

Deep breath, trying to gain the strength to walk away.

Away from him, from us.

His hand reached for mine.
A sign of peace, the future, of us as one.

Our hands fit perfectly.

And finally our eyes met.
I saw a depth I haven't before.

I saw love.

I'm back where I started..
..his laughter, a voice I can't ignore.

My heart is pounding.

A feeling in my chest, impossible to deny.
I want him close.

Breathe. Focus.

.. and there he is..

With a smile he touches my neck.
A brief moment of closeness.

He looks into my eyes and I know.

The vibrations in the air shake the ground.

I want it to last, I want more..

But I need it to stop, we both do.

He is fire and I am water.

The seat next to mine is empty.

No one is singing the songs back to me.

No one is interrupting my calculated playlist with bad old songs.

The comments on my driving that used to bother me,
I now miss.

There are no shoe marks on the dashboard,
no trace of adventure.

The over excitement about the view that used to make me roll my eyes isn't there.

I miss these silly things that I took for granted.

In each others arms for hours.
Memorizing everything, cause this is the last time.
Air filled with grief.
So many tears.
Words of love.
Closer than ever, yet far.
This is our farewell.

So much laughter, anger and secrets are hidden in my walls.
From a time that is no more.

I can still hear them sometimes, like a tape playing.
Taking me back in time.

So much love, anxiety and tears engraved in my pillow.
From a time that is no more.

I can still feel it sometimes, when I'm in a confused moment thinking you're right beside me.

So many smiles, hugs and stolen kisses my mirror has witnessed.
From a time that is no more.

I can still picture it sometimes, but the face staring back at me is filled with pain.
Swollen, from the tears that won't stop falling.

Leech.

You're not welcome here anymore.

Time to find a new victim.

This one is drained.

Walking through the corridors, feeling the judgemental looks burning on my skin.

To them I'm a stereotype, a girl filled with tattoos, a skinhead jacket and a fake smile.

A threat maybe?

No I can't be?
I'm laughing all the time, so no one will notice.

If they only knew..

What's hiding inside me.
A broken sensitive heart.

A trumatized girl,
who only wants to be herself,
without people looking at her differently and constantly.

Do they see the victim-stamp tattooed on my forehead?
Do they know? Can they?

I lied.

I am afraid, like for real.

The empty promises from the past are haunting me.

Destroying this.

Biting my tounge, to not question.

A constant battle in my head.

The insecurities are there to remind me.

That no one ever stayed..

Four months today. Since he became mine.

4 months of peeling each others layers.

Layers of love, layers of conflicts.

Some almost fell off, some were a challenge to even budge.

We fell apart, only to collide once again.

The hard collision brought the toughest layers with it.

And here we are.

4 months later.

Honest, bare and exposed.

Closer than ever before.

No matter how hard our fears tried to stop us,

we can't fight destiny.

You're so shy and careful around me.

But by the way your eyes are filled with fire when you look at me,

it feels like you've already kissed me.

The first  shy conversation, afraid to make eye contact for too long.

The first coffee, staring down our mugs with a smile.

The first road trip with laughter and jokes in the car.

The first meal together, where we acted too polite.

The first horror series marathon, your hand almost touched mine.

You asked if I was scared, I said no even though I was.

The almost kiss in the car outside my house.
We both wanted it but too scared to make the move.

The first falling alseep with a smile on my face because of you.

His silence is consuming me.

Am I supposed to read between the lines?

I don't understand what they say.

Should I stay?

Does he want me to leave?

Do I fight?

Or should I wave the flag and just go?

Do I jump over the mines?

Or should I surrender?

We were each other's everything. We were gonna take on the world together, fight all battles side by side.
And now we are just strangers with some memories. Isn't it strange?

Your lips on my forehead, I close my eyes.

I can feel you smile while kissing me.

Your beard is tickling my skin like always.

Your hands search for mine.

I feel myself relaxing, like a drug is kicking in.

The past days fears and insecurities, gone.

No words needed.

We are meant to be, it's clear for the world to see.

No language could express the connection we have.

No matter how much we try to deny it,
it's obvious.

How much we love each other.

The song I used to know as ours is playing in the background.

The sun cast shadows on the floor.

In them I see our memories dancing.

Full of life and love.

I look at us and smile.

The sun disappear and so do we.

In the heartache I find comfort that we're still out there.

Still dancing happily, to the world we just can't be seen.

The butterflies of freedom are filling me.

I want to run, with the wind in my hair.

Towards the sun.

I feel light as a feather.

I can go anywhere, and do anything.

Wherever the sun will take me.

Inside this prison walls I see so much wasted time.

So many careless mistakes.

Destroyed lives.
I see them fighting, against time.

Some have lost hope,
wanderers in the corridors.

But some are fighting, for a change.

Their strenght gives me hope.

Locked in every night, they still see a future in freedom.

They have taught me the worth of it.

And for that, I'm thankful.

In a few hours I'll be standing face to face with him for the first time.

The boy with the dangerous brown eyes..

The boy who wants to be by my side although he knows I'm just scattered pieces.

There's something about him.

He's slowly melting my heart.

I can feel the butterflies frozen in ice starting to move again.

Such a wierd, scary feeling that I can't stop.

I feel myself giving in,
though I promised myself I wouldn't.

Oh what a dangerous boy..

The words of not being good enough.
Yet you can't leave me alone.
A game without rules.
So who's winning?
Who's winning when the both of us are losing?

My plan was to enter the new year without you in it.

To let midnight's fireworks be a mark of leaving 2018 and you behind.

I can't.

It's still you.

I'll take the risk of bringing you with me to next year.

As my grey area.

I'll leave our fate in the hands of 2019.

She is growing, but not the way you might think.

The face in the mirror looks different.

Peaceful.

Her smile is no longer forced, it has become a natural part of her.

Her laugh echoes with pure joy.

Spreading.

Her voice is calm and humble.

Soothing to others.

Her steps are light, like she's dancing down the streets.

Freedom.

She's standing tall, yet relaxed.

Protective.

Her whole body radiates safety and love.

Caring.

This is her growing.

Hitman.

One target, my heart.

First try. Bang. Perfect shot.

You walked away with your head held high.

I was left bleeding out on the ground.

...had to face the person that you have to act strong in front of, but makes you break inside?

The love you cant't let go of but doesn't care about you anymore?

The person who makes you cry yourself to sleep every night?

The person who once made you feel invinsible but now makes you doubt your whole existence?

The one who made you feel so safe but left you scared of facing the world alone?

The person who gave up on you more times than you can count but you still didn't give up?

The one who left you devastated, waiting for apology you never got?

The person who made you feel stupid for ever loving them, cause they just used you.

If you ever had to face this challenge, I'm proud of you.
It takes a lot of strenght and courage.
It breaks you, just to build you.

I left my heart of glass in your hands,
trusting you would keep it safe.

You dropped it on purpose.

I'm now picking up the broken pieces,
cutting myself on some.

The best memories have the sharpest edges.

But I'll glue it back into one piece
with my bruised hands.

The cracks will only show how much I once loved.

Can you read me enough to know?
I guess not.

I've worked too ******* this mask to let you..

This mask of strenght.

To you I'm strong, a role model even..

Truth is, I'm weak.
Behind closed doors I'm broken, too broken for life.

I need someone to save me.

Yet no one knows..

Still I hope,
for someone to see the real me.

I'm back home, on my mountain by the sea.
I close my eyes

I can hear the boat engines, the children laughing.
Water is splashing, the seagulls are screaming.

I feel the sun burning on my face,
and the wind cooling it off.

I open my eyes

I see all the tiny islands and the boats that looks like toys.
They're almost in a straignt line, heading for the horizon.

The sun hitting the water surface makes it look like a glittering sea.
It blinds me.
Everything does.
The beauty of my hometown.

I stand up and feel the salty wind grabbing my hair.
I breathe the fresh air,
I breathe the laughter, the peace, the ocean.
I am alive.

I'm back at the place I've been scared of going to since last summer.

The day I felt so happy I didn't care if I died.

When I was watching the sea and the boats, and the sun was burning my face.

Everything still looks the same today.

Except I'm alone..

The rain is falling on my face.

I feel the drops on my face, soaking me,
but I don't mind.

The memories from last year feels fresh, like your presence is still here.

I can see it like a movie playing.

How you're sitting next to me drawing,
I hear your laughter and I'm watching you smile in peace.

We both felt like life was perfect, complete.

But that was then..

Now this place is all mine again, you'll never spend another day here with me .

The memory of you keeps fading.

It made me cry in silence..

My tears mixed with the rain as I'm slowly trying to let you go.

There's a storm inside of me.
One I can't control.
And suddenly there you were.
Are you the one I've been looking for?
Can you ride the storm with me?
The hope for love left me a long time ago.
So can I? Can we?

My goal for this summer.

I'll take my places back.

The places I showed him.

They were mine first and I'll make them mine again.

Create new memories without him.

With my friends, cause they'll remember with me.

I won't be afraid, I will take my places back.

Even if it hurts the first times, they'll be mine again.

Cause it's my goal this summer.

Every day you're on my mind.
Cause you were one of a kind.

We found each other in the dark.
That day at the park.

But I want to forget.
Now you're just another regret.

It's all in the past.
We knew it wouldn't last.

Time flies,
as our love dies.

I thought the first night was gonna be the last.

Now I wish it was.

We could have left our hopes and dreams there and then.

Instead we had to see them shatter in front of our eyes.

If only I saw this coming..
..maybe the feeling of getting my heart ripped out wouldn't hurt that much.

If only I saw it coming..
..maybe I wouldn't feel this betrayed.

If only I knew..
..I wouldn't have given into fake love.

If only I'd known..
..I would've walked away.

If only..

I wish I knew.

I think I'm finally letting you go.

Letting go of the inner conflict.

Knowing that a simple "Hey" will cause a fight.

You're here, but I have to shut you out.

To save myself.

To leave room for a new love.

I've told myself that it's you, but it'll never be.

I'm starting to accept that you're just a memory now.

What we had is gone.

No matter how I try to fight for you, it doesn't matter.

You no longer exist.

I'm holding on and letting go.

I wish I could fast forward time.

To where I wake up with the love of my life.

Nagging about who's time it is to check on the kids.

Making breakfast while dancing in the kitchen.

Running late to school cause one of our kids threw a tantrum.

Picking up pizza on a Tuesday, happy to see their excited faces.

Waiting for my man to come home, to hear about his day.

The quiet and peaceful air when our kids are asleep.

Then we can fall asleep in each others arms filled with love.

I'll have a smile on my face, knowing that I have the life I've always wanted.

The years of being constantly knocked down are forever gone.

No more heart on her sleeve and clenched fists.

The suffocated voice inside her has grown strong.

She speaks louder than ever, and no one dares to go against her.

The fear in her eyes is replaced by vengance.

A fierce, unpredictable rebel is born.

Heading for war.

She's now ready for anything and anyone.

The most beautiful, savage beast anyone has ever laid eyes on.

With fire in her eyes, purple lipstick and Dr. Martens she is now waiting.

To watch her enemies crumble beneath her feet.

And she breaks into that lethal smile of hers that only she possesses.

I still dream about you almost every night.
Happy dreams, and I wake up missing you.
When those turn into nightmares,
when I wake up happy that it was only a dream,
that's when I know I'm over you.

You made me love you.

Then you made me hate myself for it.

I'm working on getting over you, I swear.

It's just hard letting go of that connection.

Hoping that it can can be found with someone else.

If it can't , I will always have a place for you in my heart.

I don't want that though..

It hurts too much.

Just know that I'm trying.

I swear.

It feels like yesterday.

How we stood in our window, smoking cigarettes

Listening to our song, with the sun on our faces

Laughing, kissing

Talking about our future with hope in our eyes

Looking at each other with butterflies in our stomachs

Now those plans are gone, just like you

Our song is no longer our song

The sun is replaced with clouds

Our laughter is replaced with silence and tears

The butterflies are gone

All there's left are grief and the question why?

There we were.

Standing by the lake,
me with your jacket on my shoulders shaking from the cold.

Holding the rose you made out of a napkin in my hand.

You were laughing in embarrassment when you handed it to me.

And I knew in that moment.
You had me.

You put a spell on me.

You released the butterflies.

Twenty minutes pass.

We're still in each others arms.

My tears soaking your hoodie.

I hear you gasp for air.

I feel your tears on my skin.

This is it. Our final hug.

As soon as we let go it's over.

No turning back, to what once was..

Is that why we held on so long?

To prolong our ending?

I kissed you for the last time and let go.

For the last time I saw you leave my place.

The door closed, and our relationship with it.

Left are scattered memories and moments.

Our story's over, our time is frozen from now on.

No future, only flashbacks.

I want to tell you I like you, how my heart beats for you.

How it skips a beat everytime I see you.

But I won't.

Afraid I might lose you.

I know you like me too.

How you smile when you see me.

The hugs that are a little too long.

The connection we have is obvious.

Together we shine.

Yet we do nothing.

I'll keep loving you in secret.

Hoping one day we'll end up together.

Not knowing the future is what's keeping the dreams alive.

My innocence died with you.

That night in July last year.

The last time I believed in foolish love.

I knew from the moment I saw you..
That it was gonna hurt.

And it did.
It hurt more that I could ever imagine.

Loving you was hell, it was a thousand knives in the chest. Constantly.

How do I get them out?

I will see you again soon.
And my heart sinks when I think about it.
Cause I know it will be the last time I see you, and you don't know. That will be the day I'm leaving the thing we called us behind for good.
I can already feel how heavy my steps are gonna be when I walk away from you for the last time.
Never to look back or return.

I know you don't care, but I do.
And another piece of my heart is going to die that day.
I am going to leave all the broken pieces behind, they're gonna follow me like a trail on my way home.
But I'm gonna leave them there. Scattered on the road, to never pick up again.
They will fade as people walk all over them daily not knowing. And with time it will all be lost.
The pain, broken pieces and the bad memories. YOU.

Underlying tension in the air.

Is a breakup near or is it just fear?

You're starting to peel my layers, coming closer to the truth..

Can you handle it?

Can I?

I can feel the darkness inside me again.

Fighting so hard to stay in the light where I wanna be.

Even if I can't win this battle,

please don't leave me..

As I looked at the ring you gave me last year I noticed all the marks and scratches on it.
From memories we had together, good and bad.
I know yours has them too.

I still remember the day you gave it to me and how happy I was then. But now it's  just a piece of silver.

I wore it with pride, now it was for the last time.
Sitting by the ocean and I didn't feel it anymore. I didn't feel connected to you.
It was just sad memories tied to that ring left.
I was sitting there, thinking, remembering, listening to our song one last time and then I threw it.

Into the water. Never to see it again.
Closure, a goodbye, to the one I once was, to you, to the ones we were back then.

In the car somewhere between all the laughter and singing,
it happened.

Everything changed.

He went from being a face in the crowd to a one man show.

The spotlights are all on him.

From a known friend to a familiar stranger.

One who makes me so nervous I can't stand it.

I no longer see the same person, his appearance is different.

I can't pretend anymore.

It's still fun and games,
but this underlying tension..

The too long gazes, sweaty palms and shaky words.

Heart's beating out my chest by hearing his name.

Seeing him makes my legs weak.

Acting like nothing around him is a challenge.

Yet I long for the next time.

Scrolling through the contact list.
So many names, no one to call.
I'm shaking.
Is it fear or withdrawal?
I don't know the difference anymore.
I've tried to scream, yet no one heard.
Words can no longer describe this feeling.
Alive and free, an invisible prison.

Liquid poison and burning lungs.
Someone, save me from me.