I wear pearls and over use glitter and I don't know a thing about makeup
My face tells you how I feel about you way before my mouth gets the chance to do so
I drink coffee exclusively at 5 in the afternoon, and by the time I am done with it it's a lot more like a cup of cream and sugar than coffee
My heart is big and full of love, but also full of rage and anger for the things I cannot control
I am five feet tall, but my attitude and my drive makes me feel like a giant
My drinking habits could make a grown man cringe and I could out-drink you in any competition
I say hello to every animal I see on the streets and I go so far as to try to pet them all even though they want nothing to do with me
My eyes and my hair are so dark that they are almost pitch black, but my mother swears I was born with baby blue eyes
I do not have any idea how to control my laughter in uncomfortable situations and I have no filter around small children
My demeanor gets sad and lonely every time it storms, and it's not like I was in some terrible rain innitiated accident, I just get scared sometimes
I stare at myself in every mirror I pass and my mother used to tell me I was such a narcissist
My love for everyone I have ever loved has never diminished or passed and somehow that makes me feel vulnerable and weak
I grew up in a city full of crime and gun shots and children with next to no education and I flourished despite that all
My mind knows how to organize words and sentences into exquisite works of art, but do not ask me how to do PEMDAS and do not ask me about photosynthesis
I know the lyrics to almost every song I have ever heard in my entire life and I can sing you any lullaby that makes you fall asleep
So, in conclusion my "About Me" is long and awkward and damaged and perfect in some kind of absurd and silly way

Sometimes I wonder if I was drunk and in a room full of all the men I have loved
Who would I run to?

Would it be the first love?
The one who held my hand like it carried the world inside of it?
The one who kissed me closely in a stairwell?
The one who had the heart I broke into pieces?

Would it be the one that got away?
The one who made me feel wild and free and secure?
The one who always put me on the back burner but I wouldn't give up?
The one who broke my heart into pieces?

Would it be the one that was my almost lover?
The one who wanted all of me but not at the cost of a real relationship?
The one who drove me insane and made me feel like I was the problem?
The one who was my best friend in the whole ******* world?

Would it be the first real adult relationship?
The one who had a real job and real goals?
The one who took me on priceless excursions and showered me with gifts?
The one who told me I was too much of a stupid liberal city girl to be with him?

Or, would it be the one I thought was the love of my life?
The one who I spent most of my late youth with?
The one who had the family I loved and the laugh that brought me to my knees?
The one who told me I was too stagnate and was not willing to watch me grow into something spectacular?

So sometimes I wonder who I would run to
Who would I want to let in to break me again?
I do not know which hand I would run to hold, but I know any of those hands would be a mistake

I want to write about the sunset, how the rays hit the ocean and it was so beautiful that I could almost shed a tear
But all that I can write about is how handsome you looked with your back to me as you stared at that same exact sunset
And all I can write about is how much I loved you at that exact moment and the sun could have fallen down and I probably would not have noticed

I want to write about how melancholy the rainstorms make me and how I get so lonely and depressed each and every time the sky cries
But all I can write about is how your eyes are the same exact color as the night sky right before a rain storm in the middle of July
And all I can write about is even when the sky was having a mental breakdown full of rain all I could think about was how content I was being wrapped in your embrace

I want to write about how genuinely happy and bright I feel once the Birds of Paradise start to bloom in the spring
But all I can write about is how they are the flower I could see from the porch swing at my mother's house where we talked about our future children
And all I can write about is how much I miss talking to you at four in the morning when the rest of the world was asleep, everyone except for us and those Birds of Paradise

I want to write about nature and beauty and the weather and happiness and I don't want to keep writing about you
But it's you.
It's never anyone or anything else, but you

I knew there was something wrong with her when I was 10
I found a magazine report about borderline personality disorder
I was reading in the school library and I started crying
I could never have put a word on what was different about my mother
But there it was, plain as day
The way she could stay in bed till 3 in the afternoon with the blinds closed
The way some days we would laugh as she asked me if I wanted to play hooky and skip out on school
We would go grab frappucinos at Starbucks and rummage through countless thrift store shelves
But some days, some days I would be screamed at until I cried
Some days I would lock myself in the bedroom until I needed to come out
Some days I would stay at school extra long and just put off going home altogether
Some days my brother and I were burdens
Some nights we would get to order pizzas and drink Coke and some nights we were told to find food for ourselves
Always with the paranoia and the headaches and the inability to do anything
Consistent with the anger and the depression
Consistent with the exhaustion and the impulsive natures
The pills never helped, the pills never made things better
Fourteen years later and things are no better, things are no easier
Things have made no progression
Fourteen years later and we don’t speak

He made sure I knew just how lucky I was to have him
But he never hit me
He played games with my emotions repeatedly
But he never hit me
He made sure I didn’t leave the house in a skirt above the knees
But he never hit me
He knew the words to say to make me feel so small that I could not breathe
But he never hit me
He tossed me in and out, in and out, until my mind was in an out of control tizzy
But he never hit me
He messed around on the side late at night while I rested in our bed
But he never hit me
He made it clear that I wasn’t to go out at night with the girls
But he never hit me
He told me over and over again just how hard it would be to find anyone else to deal with me
But he never hit me
He fell asleep safe and sound as I laid in bed trying to catch my breath through tears
But he never hit me
He needed to have the password to every device, app and account
But he never hit me
He knew the power he held and used it over my head to weaken me
But he never hit me
He made jokes at my expense in front of friends and family and we all giggled together instead of cringed
But he never hit me
He assured me the women he texted were coworkers or colleagues but I could never know what they spoke of
But he never hit me
He made it clear that my interests and goals were not of pertinence
But he never hit me
He knew the exact words to say to take my entire day downhill
But he never hit me
He broke my heart over and over and over again until it was minuscule shreds
But he never hit me

There have been days where I have woken up with nothing but pure excitement for the journey of my day
But there have been so many days where I cannot even fathom the idea of inching my way out of bed
There are nights where I look forward to gathering with friends and being out and enjoying the moonlight
But there have been so many nights where I cannot even dream of anything besides being alone with a bottle of whatever
Highs and lows
Depression knows no bounds
It doesn’t play favorites
It doesn’t come every day, but it is always there
Depression doesn’t know that it was my best friends birthday and I promised I’d make it to the club
Depression only knows it’s December 23rd and it’s time to listen to the same song for the 17th time in a row
Depression only knows that I haven’t eaten in 2 days and this bottle will demolish my sanity
Depression can only see that if I don’t have the mental capacity to acknowledge my problems, then maybe they don’t exist
It doesn’t come every day
But it’s always there

A young girl stands in front of the mirror
Her hands gripping on to her hip bones
And she still believes that she is too fat
She is holding her breath and ******* it all in
Her lips are pouting
Her eyes are wandering
Her face is flushed

She asks herself :
"Do they like me?"

                                                                                             Do you like you?

I want to fall asleep next to you like I used to when I was 15
You know when we would make the most of our time together because there was so little of it
The time when each and every time felt like the first time
I miss those times
I want to fall asleep next to you and feel your lips graze the tip of my nose
All I want is to become emotionally naked to you and tell you every feel from the past five years without you
Everything, all my pain, my joys, my memories, I want to fill you in on my life
And I want to know everything I missed about yours
Does Journey still make you smile and dance?
Do forehead kisses still melt your heart?
Is your mom still intolerable?
Are your dogs still obese and still crazy?
Do your brothers still remember me as a koala?
Do you still remember playing the guitar as I sang Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen for a talent show?
Do you remember our first kiss in a stairwell?
Do you remember how I was so angry at you I broke plates and cried for hours?
Do you remember how before we were together you were my best friend?
Do you remember how we were together on the couch when Michael Jackson died?
Do you remember how you wrote me a letter every single day the first summer we spent apart?
Do you remember when we experimented with chocolate syrup and whipped cream and it was so embarrassing to be so sticky and we just laughed?
Do you remember how you always would let me have the bubbled chips because they were my favorite?
Do you remember the time we walked home along the railroad tracks and I stayed behind to take photos of you being so handsome?
Do you remember running two miles in the pouring rain to bring me an umbrella?
Do you remember that first time we broke up and nothing felt right so we had to fix things?
Do you remember why we fell in love?
So many unanswered questions
I want to strip down for you
I don’t mean sexually
I want to strip down all my walls and release everything I meant to say to you now
Five years later and this still feels like a mistake
Five whole ******* years
I want to fall asleep next to you

I am so tired of pretending I don't dream about you
I am so done with telling people I don't miss you day by day
and I am so exhausted with imagining you gave a **** about any of this.

I said sorry over one hundred million times for being upset you hurt me
I kept being naive and letting you proceed to cause damage
Yet, you never said sorry for the damage, and you never apologized for the hurt
I learned to forgive you even though you never expressed the need or want to be forgiven
I learned to accept an apology that I never received and never ever will receive
There has got to be so much strength in that.

How many ways have I loved you?

I loved you at your darkest
I loved you at your most vulnerable
I loved you when you were wrong
I loved you even when I hated you
I loved you when you saw me break
I loved you when I could not even love myself
I loved you late at night
I loved you beneath the sheets
I loved you with the lights off
I loved you even more with the lights on
I loved you through a sea of confusion
I loved you through a conflicted heart
I loved you despite our differences
I loved you even as I hurt myself
I loved you although you never really loved me

So how many ways have I loved you?
Too many.

I am a huntress.
I sink my teeth into what is mine until I draw blood
My prey never comes easy

I am a huntress.
I lurk and linger around until I find what I crave
My prey is left scarred with teeth marks

I am a huntress.
I do not fear the darkness, in fact I strive in it
My prey will not see me coming

I am a huntress.
I protect what is mine and I will attack any predatory threat
My prey is mine and mine only

I am a huntress.
I hunt down hearts near and far and I keep them entrapped within me
My prey does not know how good he has it