He made sure I knew just how lucky I was to have him
But he never hit me
He played games with my emotions repeatedly
But he never hit me
He made sure I didn’t leave the house in a skirt above the knees
But he never hit me
He knew the words to say to make me feel so small that I could not breathe
But he never hit me
He tossed me in and out, in and out, until my mind was in an out of control tizzy
But he never hit me
He messed around on the side late at night while I rested in our bed
But he never hit me
He made it clear that I wasn’t to go out at night with the girls
But he never hit me
He told me over and over again just how hard it would be to find anyone else to deal with me
But he never hit me
He fell asleep safe and sound as I laid in bed trying to catch my breath through tears
But he never hit me
He needed to have the password to every device, app and account
But he never hit me
He knew the power he held and used it over my head to weaken me
But he never hit me
He made jokes at my expense in front of friends and family and we all giggled together instead of cringed
But he never hit me
He assured me the women he texted were coworkers or colleagues but I could never know what they spoke of
But he never hit me
He made it clear that my interests and goals were not of pertinence
But he never hit me
He knew the exact words to say to take my entire day downhill
But he never hit me
He broke my heart over and over and over again until it was minuscule shreds
But he never hit me

I knew there was something wrong with her when I was 10
I found a magazine report about borderline personality disorder
I was reading in the school library and I started crying
I could never have put a word on what was different about my mother
But there it was, plain as day
The way she could stay in bed till 3 in the afternoon with the blinds closed
The way some days we would laugh as she asked me if I wanted to play hooky and skip out on school
We would go grab frappucinos at Starbucks and rummage through countless thrift store shelves
But some days, some days I would be screamed at until I cried
Some days I would lock myself in the bedroom until I needed to come out
Some days I would stay at school extra long and just put off going home altogether
Some days my brother and I were burdens
Some nights we would get to order pizzas and drink Coke and some nights we were told to find food for ourselves
Always with the paranoia and the headaches and the inability to do anything
Consistent with the anger and the depression
Consistent with the exhaustion and the impulsive natures
The pills never helped, the pills never made things better
Fourteen years later and things are no better, things are no easier
Things have made no progression
Fourteen years later and we don’t speak

I don't want to talk about the weather
I don't want to talk about how humid it was today, or how it rained some time last week
I want to talk about if you think the aliens are real
I want to talk about which type of flower reminds you of your mother
And I want to talk about what song from the last five years reminds you of summer
I want to talk about the pets you had growing up and their names and the marks on their coats
I want to talk about the first time you fell in love and what her smile looked like
Did she have crooked teeth?
Were her lips painted red the day you noticed you loved her?
I want to talk about what kind of toppings you like on your pizza
And I want to talk about how you like your coffee in the morning
Do you prefer more sugar, more cream?
Black coffee, or no coffee at all?
I want to talk about your stance on immigration laws or abortion or gun control
I want to talk about where you have most felt at home
Was it the basement at your mother's place, where you first got laid?
Or maybe it is the baseball field where you scored your first home run?
I want to talk about who you are when no one is looking, because that's when it counts the most
Do you always spare a dollar for the homeless man under the bridge at the intersection by work?
Do you hold the door open for old ladies with six bags in their arms and a coat full of cat hair?
I want to talk about everything and anything except the weather

I am going to continue to water you even when your thorns stab me
I am going to continue to assist your growth even though your thorns don't want me to touch you
You're going to be the most beautiful thing my garden has ever seen

Follow the rabbit he will take you to happiness
Do not be late, do not miss that date
You could get lost in a sea of confusion
You would be deceived by the ostensible outlook

You could go fetch seven little men
You could be the fairest of them all
Beware of the deep and everlasting sleep
You would be deceived by the apple's red color

Worry about the petals, they are falling so quickly
He will be stuck that forever if you cannot make him love you
Keep an eye on the rose, it is far too beautiful to let go
You will be deceived by the appearance of a beast

Stuck in a tower, do not ever look down
Grow out your hair past the tall brick walls
Spot a good man, make him rescue your heart
You would be deceived by the family relations

Cleaning the bathroom, making the bed
Sneak out to town, be invited to a dance
"Fairy Godmother, please just give me once chance"
You would be deceived by the loss of one shoe

So waiting, I am waiting for an answer to come
Looking for one man to be the one that I want
A fairy-tale ending is nothing I am after
For I would be deceived by the misinterpretations of the story

I am a hurricane
I am a force to be reckoned with
My love can cause tumultuous damage to cities
Tear down walls and rip the streets to shreds

I am a tornado
I am a force of nature to fear
My love can rip through towns in seconds
Tear up the ground from above and move a path of destruction

I am a tsunami
I am a force of change to not mess around with
My love can move oceans and nothing can stop it
Tear through the sandy shores and cause pain to whole villages

I am a natural disaster
I am a force to be reckoned with

I wear pearls and over use glitter and I don't know a thing about makeup
My face tells you how I feel about you way before my mouth gets the chance to do so
I drink coffee exclusively at 5 in the afternoon, and by the time I am done with it it's a lot more like a cup of cream and sugar than coffee
My heart is big and full of love, but also full of rage and anger for the things I cannot control
I am five feet tall, but my attitude and my drive makes me feel like a giant
My drinking habits could make a grown man cringe and I could out-drink you in any competition
I say hello to every animal I see on the streets and I go so far as to try to pet them all even though they want nothing to do with me
My eyes and my hair are so dark that they are almost pitch black, but my mother swears I was born with baby blue eyes
I do not have any idea how to control my laughter in uncomfortable situations and I have no filter around small children
My demeanor gets sad and lonely every time it storms, and it's not like I was in some terrible rain innitiated accident, I just get scared sometimes
I stare at myself in every mirror I pass and my mother used to tell me I was such a narcissist
My love for everyone I have ever loved has never diminished or passed and somehow that makes me feel vulnerable and weak
I grew up in a city full of crime and gun shots and children with next to no education and I flourished despite that all
My mind knows how to organize words and sentences into exquisite works of art, but do not ask me how to do PEMDAS and do not ask me about photosynthesis
I know the lyrics to almost every song I have ever heard in my entire life and I can sing you any lullaby that makes you fall asleep
So, in conclusion my "About Me" is long and awkward and damaged and perfect in some kind of absurd and silly way

I am a huntress.
I sink my teeth into what is mine until I draw blood
My prey never comes easy

I am a huntress.
I lurk and linger around until I find what I crave
My prey is left scarred with teeth marks

I am a huntress.
I do not fear the darkness, in fact I strive in it
My prey will not see me coming

I am a huntress.
I protect what is mine and I will attack any predatory threat
My prey is mine and mine only

I am a huntress.
I hunt down hearts near and far and I keep them entrapped within me
My prey does not know how good he has it

On the night on the beach you laughed so hard that you snorted
I knew then that was a laugh I could listen to for my whole life
On the night on the beach you kissed me so hard that I stumbled
I knew then that was a kiss I could get used to feeling for eternity
On the night on the beach you cried ever so softly that I could barely even notice
I knew then that was a type of emotion that I could not get from many men
On the night on the beach you told me you loved me so much you couldn't move on
I knew then that was the level of  love that I couldn't pass up on twice

On a separate night on the beach you held my hand so tightly that I knew something was off
I knew then that was the kind of grip that said "I need you too much that is causing us emotional distress"
On that night at the beach you mentioned that you would die without me
I knew then that was a kind of feeling that compelled me to feel so suffocated
On the night on my bedroom floor you cried so severely that I could not even look at you
I knew then that I was not the type of woman you should be with for the rest of your life
On the night you left you looked at me with a passion so desperate and pleading
And I knew then that I could never look at you again in my whole entire life

How many ways have I loved you?

I loved you at your darkest
I loved you at your most vulnerable
I loved you when you were wrong
I loved you even when I hated you
I loved you when you saw me break
I loved you when I could not even love myself
I loved you late at night
I loved you beneath the sheets
I loved you with the lights off
I loved you even more with the lights on
I loved you through a sea of confusion
I loved you through a conflicted heart
I loved you despite our differences
I loved you even as I hurt myself
I loved you although you never really loved me

So how many ways have I loved you?
Too many.

When you tell me that you love me
Do you really mean you love that I am so reckless and lacking of compassion

When you tell me that you love me
Is it really you saying that you love how long I let you keep your hands wrapped around my throat when we are tossing around in my sheets at 3 AM

When you tell me that you love me
Do you really mean you love that I am so cold and so bitter and so devoid of feeling for anyone other than my own, selfish self?

When you tell me that you love me
Is it really you lying and saying you love me just because you know I could never love you back?

You're supposed to feel happy for your old lovers when they find someone new
But that feeling is so foreign to me
So I pretend, so I lie, so I cover up anger and jealousy with "Oh wow how wonderful for the both of you"

But I would be lying if I said I didn't wish them perpetual misery
I would be lying if I said I didn't wish them both mediocre *** where nobody finishes
I would be lying if I said I didn't wish for their oven to break halfway through making a Thanksgiving turkey and not to notice until it's too late
I would be lying if I said I didn't hope they both get called into work every Friday night on "date night"
I would be lying if I said I didn't wish for every drink they have on the rocks to taste like straight water
I would be lying if I said that I didn't hope their internet cuts out every single time they try to Netflix & chill
I would be lying if I said I didn't dream it rains every time they plan a wondrous beach afternoon

I would be lying if I said I didn't care
And so I fake smile every time he tells me how beautiful her smile is, and how happy she makes his days, and how her voice is like an angel's

Oh wow, how wonderful for the both of you.