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Jun 3 · 157
Wishes are Lies
Angela Rose Jun 3
And then suddenly one day it hit me;

It didn’t matter how many pennies I tossed into the fountain
It didn’t matter how many times I caught the clock at 11:11
It didn’t matter how many shooting stars I found up in the sky
It didn’t matter how many lady bugs or butterflies landed on my cheeks
It didn’t matter if I found the stray eyelashes that fell out in my palm
And it for **** sure didn’t matter how many times I ended up with the bigger half of the wish bone in my possession

If you didn’t love me back, a wish couldn’t make it happen either
Angela Rose Apr 23
You are a series of red flashing fabrics and I am a Matador thrusting myself into you over and over and over again

I know it is nothing but pain and embarrassment and yet it’s so natural to me to proceed with these actions

You are a red flag I can spot from a mile away glistening your sequins in my face and I cannot stop but ram my face into yours

I know you bring me no satisfaction and I know I will never win against you in these battles and yet it’s so natural for me to hurt myself for you
Matador of heartbreak never stood a chance
Apr 21 · 344
Angela Rose Apr 21
Some lines aren’t meant to be crossed
I know that
I’ve always known that
But you’re a line I want to cross 100 times over and over again

Some lines aren’t even meant cross paths  
I know that
I learned that when I was very young
But you and I were never meant to be parallel lines, we were born to intersect
And I think that’s called fate.
Apr 19 · 258
Angela Rose Apr 19
I don't want to keep being your maybe
I don't want to keep being your hypothetical
I don't want to keep being your shadowed fantasy
I don't want to keep being your naughty little secret
I don't want to keep being your ***** on the back burner
I don't want to keep being your inferior alternative
I don't want to keep being plan B

I want to be the girl, the one, you know what I mean

The laugh that keeps you craving more and more
The smile that makes a day full of rain feel like a sunflower garden
The touch that makes the pains of yesterday feel non existent
The snicker that reminds you of play time as a 6 year old
The sarcasm that keeps you on your toes
The soft voice that makes you think about how good of a partner I would be
The drive that makes you want to be a better man, better future husband, future father

Instead, I am the token of *** that makes you hard
Instead, I am the moan that distracts you from your problems you pretend to ignore
Instead, I am the breath of fresh air that reminds you how suffocated you have felt for years
Instead, I am the burden that you can't seem to ignore
Instead, I am the voice in the back of your head telling you that you need to make a decision and you hate me for that

I don't want to fall for you. But I think it's five months too late for those emotions
Apr 17 · 462
I'm Sorry I Am So Mean
Angela Rose Apr 17
I hope she knows I am sorry
I hope she knows I don't mean the nasty things I have said behind her back
I mean, I'm sure she's great, I mean, I'm sure she's a delight
I mean, I didn't want to have this happen
I am mean

I hope she knows things will get better for her
I hope she knows I don't want her to be alone forever, but this one should be mine
I mean, I'm sure her smile is nice, I mean, I'm sure she has lots of things going for her
I mean, I didn't know I would feel like this
I am mean

I hope she knows I cry at night knowing what I have done
I hope she knows I know I am the worst kind of woman for being this person
I mean, I'm sure her voice is kind, I mean, I'm sure she makes people's day all the time
I mean, I didn't mean to hurt a happy home
I am so mean
I am sorry for what I feel
Angela Rose Apr 17
You know my secrets
I chose to give those to you

You know my pain
I chose to give that to you

You know all of my vulnerabilities
I chose to give them over to you

You have my heart
You took that from me

What else can I pass on to you before I become enough?
and maybe one day I will give up enough of me for you.
Angela Rose Apr 17
I didn't want to fall for you

****, I didn't even want to like you

Those days I was so busy being abused by someone else and these days I am so busy thinking about you constantly

So it's been 10 months since I set sight on your reserved smile and bright eyes and I have thought about it every day since

You didn't even know my little details but you watched me fall apart and bawl the day my dad died

I sat there on the cold tile floor and you had to take over things for me and I think several of the best parts of me died that day

But there are so many parts of me more alive than ever now and those okay parts yearn for you

I want to forget you exist some days, forget the common grounds we share and the bonds we have created

I can't I can't I can't

I don't want to fall in love with you
Apr 15 · 131
Angela Rose Apr 15
After all, shots of straight ***** taste better than the thought of you and her
I deserve to be more than sexualized
Apr 15 · 226
5 Lies and 1 Truth
Angela Rose Apr 15
I want to tell you that I do not crave you constantly and passionately
-but that would be a lie

I want to tell you that I never want to lay next to you and feel your breath at the nape of my neck
-but that would be a lie

I want to tell you how falling asleep next to you isn't something I think would be other-wordly
-but that would be a lie

I want to tell you I have never imagined us laughing in our underwear on the lanai smoking and passing around a bottle of wine
-but that would be a lie

I want to tell you I never have envisioned you and I holding hands on a bridge overlooking water and smiling
-but that would be a lie

I want you to know living a life with you at my side is still beyond my comprehension of this world and how I see you next to me for a long time
-and that would be the truth
Apr 8 · 249
Angela Rose Apr 8
And maybe home isn’t a brick house and a wrap around porch and a foundation built on a plot of land after all

Maybe home is two arms, and two bright eyes and and a mouth saying “I’m so proud of you. I know you’re trying”
Mar 10 · 205
The Other Girl
Angela Rose Mar 10
Maybe somewhere out there in an alternate universe you fell in love with me
Perhaps in this other universe I was the one, and the only one, not the other one
Alternatively, in this made up universe I was not a naive girl who wanted to believe you could give a **** about me

I wish I could step into this alternate reality and feel what it would be like to be loved by you
To be held by you
To be kissed by you
Simply to be noticed by you

I would give anything to waltz into the room and your eyes be drawn to me first
To be the first name you want to call when you have something important to say
To be the girl who holds up the posters rooting for you in any situation

Maybe one day I won't be the other girl.
Feb 10 · 130
Angela Rose Feb 10
I keep telling myself  "oh it's just a crush"

But I find myself doing anything for you
And I find myself falling asleep wishing you were here
And then I dream about you just holding my ******* hand
But the love songs I hear always make me think of your goofy smile
And the movies and the shows about romance make me think about us
And then I dream about you feeling the same way

But it's just a crush. And I just feel crushed.
Jan 15 · 238
harming myself
Angela Rose Jan 15
when he used to talk down to me and make me feel invisible i would dig my nails so deep into my hands that I bled

I forgot I did this, I tried over and over to repress that

I thought about doing it again today

It's been 9 years.
Jan 15 · 228
Angela Rose Jan 15
sometimes I hear a baby wailing in public and i wonder how and why adults never get to break down like that

and then I remember how i sobbed when i got the call that my dad died

and now i can't breathe again
Jan 8 · 218
Maybe: Angela
Angela Rose Jan 8
I hope you never feel alone knowing how I feel
I hope you never go to sleep feeling unwanted when I forget to say goodnight
I hope you smile when my name comes across the screen of your iPhone

But then again, of course you wouldn't feel alone, because I am not the one
And then again, you could never go to sleep feeling that way because she already said goodnight
And of course you are probably flipping your phone over on the table when it says "Maybe: Angela"
Jan 8 · 141
Finders Keepers
Angela Rose Jan 8
"You'll lose them the same way you got them"

I pray every night that isn't true.

How unfair to find something real that is so out of touch.

What a foul play tossed out to you and I to try to figure out.

I found you and I want you and I can't keep you

Thanks, Fate.
Jan 8 · 160
drip & weave
Angela Rose Jan 8
your words slide through my veins like honey
and they

their way straight into my heart
and they
    ­         a
             ­                 e

a scribbled track all the way to my mind
and I just can't ******* breathe when you talk to me
Jan 8 · 272
Angela Rose Jan 8
Now that I got it,

what am I going to do about it?

I can't tell him I would drop everything for him

That if I could make all of his pain go away in his whole life, I would do anything

That even if his happiness doesn't see me in the picture I want it for him

That he could stop talking to me for days and days and I would still be there at his beck and call when he decided to reach out

So I retract and I smile when he reaches out and I laugh when we chat and I shy away when we are together

But my heart yearns for his.
Dec 2019 · 182
You Never Notice
Angela Rose Dec 2019
I don’t want to write about you anymore
But then again, there’s nobody else who fascinates me like you do

I don’t want to dream about you anymore
But then you remind me of all the little details you remember about me and I can’t breathe

I don’t want to talk to my friends about you anymore
But then I see your sleeves rolled up and I can’t focus on doing the things I need to do today

I don’t want to imagine that our paths crossed at different times anymore
But then I see your eyes meet mine and I can’t imagine you going away without knowing how I feel

I don’t want to keep ranting about you incessantly
But then I see your shy grin and I just lose control of everything I thought I knew
Nov 2019 · 288
The Garden
Angela Rose Nov 2019
Most of the flowers in the garden of my mind are the dark kind

That does not mean my garden does not deserve to be watered
being aware of your mental illness is exhausting
Nov 2019 · 185
Maybe He's Just Nice
Angela Rose Nov 2019
Maybe he’s just nice

Maybe he talks to everyone in that way
Maybe he always shares eye contact for far too long with everyone he speaks to
Maybe he discusses these little details with anyone who will listen

Or maybe it’s just me

Maybe I have made myself too approachable and too friendly
Maybe I have been creating these scenarios in my head all along
Maybe I talk far too much and he is staring at me telling me to shut the **** up

Or maybe he’s just nice
or maybe not ?
Nov 2019 · 296
Timing Is A Bitch
Angela Rose Nov 2019
The timing is off

That is what I keep telling myself anyway
Maybe we met at the wrong time, wrong place, wrong life time?
Maybe if it was a few years earlier or a few years later things would work in a different manner

The timing is off
But the feelings are on.
Angela Rose Nov 2019
My neighbor said:

"Make sure she is on her side so that she doesn't choke on her tongue"
And I giggled. I laughed.
He didn't.
Oh, he wasn't kidding
So I turned her on her side

I was 11.

My mom overdosed on pills in the front lawn
I stood there in disbelief.
I called 911

"yes, hello, the address is 3435 Park Ave.....its.....its my mother.....she fell down the front steps and she is shaking, she's seizing, and she won't stop....she needs help....yes please, hurry."

And I wait and I wait and I wait and I am standing there.

My dad is approaching. He is walking home from the train stop.
He doesn't see sirens at first. He is walking. And I see him notice the sirens and he sprints to me. We don't hug. He know what is happening before I do and I have been there for 45 minutes.

They stay at the hospital for days. She is on suicide watch. But it's just an accident, she just mixed the wrong pills. She didn't want to die. But she did. She did. I know that now.

She wanted to leave me behind.
Nov 2019 · 238
Angela Rose Nov 2019
I am so tired of pretending I don't dream about you
I am so done with telling people I don't miss you day by day
and I am so exhausted with imagining you gave a **** about any of this.
Oct 2019 · 401
Angela Rose Oct 2019
It’s so weird because you’re someone else’s
You’re not mine
Not in the slightest
And I miss you so much

I want to make you laugh
I want to hear your laugh again
Oct 2019 · 409
Happy Birthday
Angela Rose Oct 2019
Hi Dad,
              I don’t know if you can read Facebook posts in heaven. I hope you can. Or can feel this on a spiritual level or something like that. It’s your birthday tomorrow. You are or would be 60. I’m not sure how it works once you’ve passed on. I love you. I know I didn’t say it enough. But I love you so much. And I miss you. Happy birthday. I want to call and leave a voicemail singing to you. Or you pick up and I sing to you. I hope you’re eating something awesome in heaven to celebrate. Like our favorite linguini with clam sauce, or some spicy wings or a juicy cheeseburger, perhaps some authentic Chicago Giordano’s deep dish pizza. I miss you a lot. I miss your dad jokes. I miss when I was little and you would comfort me. I miss when I was sick at school and you would come pick me up and we would walk somewhere and get really good snacks and Twix ice cream bars and go to the park because I wasn’t really sick....I just knew you were off and I wanted to spend time with you. I took everything for granted and I’m so sorry. Happy birthday. If you knew my father you know he was the funniest man in the whole room and his laugh, just like mine, was so contagious. His smile, it lit a place up. I hope you are proud of me. I am trying really hard to be better than I have been. I hope you visit me in my dreams. I hope you’re celebrating. I just hope you don’t feel pain. I love you. Happy birthday dad.

Oct 2019 · 437
Pain Management
Angela Rose Oct 2019
I don't need to understand your problems as I hold your hand to help you through them

You don't need to understand my words to support me as I try to fight my demons and manage through them
Oct 2019 · 235
Angela Rose Oct 2019
You're not my type
Not in the slightest
But yet, there you are making me ever so nervous
And yet, here I am primping myself up for no reason

You're not my type
Not in the conventional ways
But yet, here you are saying my name and I blush
And yet, here I am writing about someone who doesn't notice me

You're an anomaly in my day to day functions and I am ready to explore
Oct 2019 · 180
Angela Rose Oct 2019
I am doing so much better without you by my side
And that breaks my heart.
Oct 2019 · 420
u & i
Angela Rose Oct 2019
we have never even touched hands
we just know each other
we laugh together
we share smiles, and glances for far too long

but i dream about the way ur breath would feel at the nape of my neck
and i think about how fast my heart would beat just sitting on the couch with u
and i even think of how ur kisses would feel like chapped lips but i smile
sometimes i imagine having real conversations with u...

about our pasts
about our goals
about our favorite songs
about our first kiss experience
about our number one desired meals
about our previous pets and current pets
about our views on if aliens exist
about our future with or without each other

but then i remember if any of those things happened i would fall in love with u

and then what would she do?
Oct 2019 · 311
You Thought I Was Pretty.
Angela Rose Oct 2019
I wanted you to like me so ******* badly
So I dressed up all pretty and I did my makeup way too dramatically
I just wanted you to just notice me
I wanted to make sure you s a w me

And then you did

Only sort of
You saw me as pretty, you saw me as attractive, as ******

But you never noticed me losing control
You never noticed me getting high and pretending everything was ok
You didn't see how I would take 6 shots of ***** back to back just to get through the night
You didn't notice as I would black out and pretend everything was alright
I was not happy
I was numb

But hey, at least you thought I was pretty.
Sep 2019 · 322
You Won't
Angela Rose Sep 2019
Maybe you will wake up one day and feel this way too
Maybe you won't
Maybe you will wake up one day and think about my smile first thing
Maybe you won't
Maybe you will wake up one day and all you will hear is my laugh on repeat
Maybe you won't
Maybe you will wake up one day and think about how you wish it was me
But you probably won't
Aug 2019 · 502
Angela Rose Aug 2019
I am in love with the memory of who you were
It is as simple and as heartbreaking as that
Aug 2019 · 245
I Love You, Dad
Angela Rose Aug 2019
If you still have the people you love most in your life today-
Hug them
Hug them tighter than you ever have
Call them and tell them you love them
Never ignore their calls
Pick up the phone and call them first
Make sure they know

They have to know
They have to know that when they're gone you won't be able to sleep knowing they've gone away
They have to know that all throughout the day you will cry when they have gone to sleep forever
They have to know your heart will be missing a piece when they leave
They have to know before they're gone

You have to tell them while you can
You have to tell them that they are special to you
You have to tell them that you will forever miss their voice and their laughter
You have to tell them you will miss never seeing their face on the caller ID

My God, please tell your loved ones you love them

I love you, Dad. I love you so much.
My dad died a few weeks ago, July 16th. I don't know if I will ever forgive myself for not calling enough or for being too busy to call back sometimes. I don't think I will ever forgive myself for always saying "I'll call tomorrow"
Jul 2019 · 558
A Haunting In My Heart
Angela Rose Jul 2019
Loving an addict is like living in a haunted house
It isn't always scary, but when it is, it is terrifying
It is shake you in your bones, haunt you to your core ~ terrifying

Little things lead up to the big scares
A bump in the night
(of *******)
A spilled elixer on the floor
(of straight *****)
A crushed up relic scattered along the floor tiles
(of Oxycontin pill bottles)

And you try to pretend it isn't happening
And you tell everyone you can't see the ghosts
And you ignore the loud noises and the sudden screams in the night
After all, this is your home and he is your heart

And now your heart is haunted
Trigger Warning possibly.
Oct 2018 · 285
Feel Something
Angela Rose Oct 2018
You're a gift to my life
You're a rare sliver of light
You're a beacon of fresh air
And you could be the one to make me feel something
Sep 2018 · 3.0k
Chemical Burns
Angela Rose Sep 2018
Science is hard
Chemistry is harder

Chemistry is defined as the complex, emotional or psychological interaction between two people
Our chemistry is tangible
Our chemistry moves entire cities
Chemistry is so hard because you mix all these things together and they either blend and make something fantastic or they blow up in your face
They leave you with burn marks and scars to remind you just how badly you ****** it all up
And I think what we have here is a disaster ready to burn my face to blackness
I think what we have here is a scar ready to form and last forever

What we have here is a chemistry left to remind me I still wasn’t good enough
What we have here is a chemical reaction that the whole class can laugh at

So science is hard
Chemistry is so hard
But having good chemistry and bad timing, that’s just heartbreaking
Jul 2018 · 408
Loving Again
Angela Rose Jul 2018
I am starting to recognize myself again
You know, the me that you tried to suffocate
The real me
The woman that laughs out loud at ***** jokes
The woman that didn't want to bite her tongue in front of your judgemental family

I am starting to look in the mirror and like myself again
You know, the me that you always insinuated needed to lose weight
The woman who likes to cook things because they taste good, not simply because "Angela, the body needs only nutrients"
The woman that didn't  want to disintegrate into broken pieces for you

I am starting to remember what my voice sounds like standing up for myself
I am beginning to recall what the tv shows and movies I love sound like
I am finally starting to love myself again
Jul 2018 · 372
It’s Over
Angela Rose Jul 2018
Falling in and out of love with your best friend feels a lot like getting your heart broken twice

And that isn’t poetry
It’s just sad.
Jun 2018 · 503
Angela Rose Jun 2018
But you always want to tell me your secrets first
But you cannot forget the way my hand felt on your thigh when we got too drunk
But you call me at 2 AM to vent about work and how your boss was such a ***** again this week
But you want to lay in bed with me and do nothing together not even touch
But you know me better than I could know myself
But you send me pictures of dogs you see on the street because it makes me smile
But when you hear the love songs the only name that comes to mind is my own
But always, always something more.
Jun 2018 · 446
Angela Rose Jun 2018
How does the darkness feel?
Do you miss the light that was me?
You tried to eclipse me until I was almost taken in by your black hole of misery
Space must be so lonely without any stars
It must feel so scary to be alone with all those thoughts
I’m shining freely, I’ll light up a new galaxy for someone else
Apr 2018 · 609
You vs Me
Angela Rose Apr 2018
You were depressed so you decided to push away any woman who might love you and your idiosyncrasies after "she" left
I was depressed so I kept clinging on to every man who asked me what my favorite band was after "he" left

You were sad that she moved on so you secretly hated every woman who reminded you of her in the slightest
I was sad that he moved on so I not so secretly tried to make out with  every man who made me laugh

You met a woman who made you smile and made you hopeful and instead of running to her, you ran away
I met a man who made me laugh and made me question my goals and instead of making him love me, I scared him off

You turned your frustration into art
I turned my frustration into alcoholism

You made sure to keep me along for the ride on the thinnest piece of string you could weave together
(after all it feels good to know you have a backup plan)

I made sure to keep paying you the utmost attention and sending you the slightest reminders that I am still there
(after all it feels good to know maybe I could still have a chance)
Apr 2018 · 308
Angela Rose Apr 2018
I am still so in love with you that it burns a hole through my skin directly to my heart

So irrevocably still in love with you that it creates an effortless stream of mascara stained tears across my rosy cheeks each night

And there's no ******* way to turn that into poetry
Apr 2018 · 434
Little Keepsakes
Angela Rose Apr 2018
Maybe I kept all the photographs because the people smiling in them are always so much happier than I am
Perhaps I kept a box with all the letters because the writings in the notes are always so much more sincere than the hate I spew at you now
And I certainly know I kept a memory of all the most intimate moments so I could play them back on repeat when I am feeling ever so lonely

So yeah, maybe we keep close all our tiny keepsakes to remind ourselves of the people we still have the capacity to become once again.
Angela Rose Apr 2018
You're supposed to feel happy for your old lovers when they find someone new
But that feeling is so foreign to me
So I pretend, so I lie, so I cover up anger and jealousy with "Oh wow how wonderful for the both of you"

But I would be lying if I said I didn't wish them perpetual misery
I would be lying if I said I didn't wish them both mediocre *** where nobody finishes
I would be lying if I said I didn't wish for their oven to break halfway through making a Thanksgiving turkey and not to notice until it's too late
I would be lying if I said I didn't hope they both get called into work every Friday night on "date night"
I would be lying if I said I didn't wish for every drink they have on the rocks to taste like straight water
I would be lying if I said that I didn't hope their internet cuts out every single time they try to Netflix & chill
I would be lying if I said I didn't dream it rains every time they plan a wondrous beach afternoon

I would be lying if I said I didn't care
And so I fake smile every time he tells me how beautiful her smile is, and how happy she makes his days, and how her voice is like an angel's

Oh wow, how wonderful for the both of you.
Angela Rose Apr 2018
Do not fall in love with girls like me

I will stray away and become a recluse and forget your name
But you, you will still feel the poison coursing through your bones that was injected the first time I kissed you
You will still taste the bitterness of my name on the tip of your tongue for years to come
You will still feel the sting of my embrace and my finger tips grazing your thigh long after I have run off
You will hear that one song and remember the haunting melody of my voice whispering to you during our late nights

Girls like me do not start with the intention of being this way
Girls like me dream about love and romance and living together in holy matrimony
But girls like me are full of fear and abandonment issues
"Leave before you get left" plays like an alarm in my mind over and over

Do not fall in love with girls like me, unless you are a *******
Feb 2018 · 437
An Understatement
Angela Rose Feb 2018
He said I was so beautiful
I said beautiful was an incredibly lazy, unappealing and shallow way to describe the soul that inhabits my body

That soul is full of yearning for tomorrow
She is constantly hunting for the next adventure and looking for it in places nobody else looks
Her mind is full of words and lyrics and melodies
Her heart is so overflowing with love and compassion and kindness for even the smallest of creatures
She can smile in a corner to herself thinking of jokes from weeks ago, and that smile still lights up a room
She sometimes laughs out loud at her own hilarity and everyone in the room is caught up in the contagion that is her giggle
Her whole demeanor rests on the sole fact that she wakes up and does better than she did yesterday

So sure, beauty is a sweet word
But beautiful sure is a lousy way to capture my soul's presence.
Feb 2018 · 306
Do You Like You?
Angela Rose Feb 2018
A young girl stands in front of the mirror
Her hands gripping on to her hip bones
And she still believes that she is too fat
She is holding her breath and ******* it all in
Her lips are pouting
Her eyes are wandering
Her face is flushed

She asks herself :
"Do they like me?"

                                                                                             Do you like you?
Feb 2018 · 372
In A Nutshell
Angela Rose Feb 2018
You see, I am so likable
My laugh is contagious and my smile infectious
The things I do and the way I am are intriguing to a stranger
My idiosyncrasies have a way of captivating people like no other

You see, everybody loves me
But there is nobody in love with me
Jan 2018 · 469
Afternoon Daydreaming
Angela Rose Jan 2018
We don't really talk a lot anymore
No more than a "hey" every few months
But I just caught myself day dreaming of you for 5 minutes straight
I just thought about one of the nights where we were staying up late, drinking Bud Lights and watching The Office
I stepped in the kitchen while you were in the bathroom and you saw me when you came out and wrapped yourself around me just to hold me
I just day dreamed about that for 5 minutes straight
Just that
Just your innocent embrace
Just you holding me in the kitchen because you missed my touch
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